Topic ID: 21823
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 3:13 am Post subject: A hole in your heart |
 |
|
If it happend tonight,
would you go?
Would you start a fight?
Your body feels broken apart,
a stolen soul,
a hole in your heart.
If your head is in the clouds,
where are you looking....
now?
If your feet are on the ground...
Don't ask how,
but don't look down.
If your voice is gone....
you can't say anything now.
Can't shout it out.
If you are my only one,
is my life over?
Is my life done? |
_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead
Last edited by October Girl on Mon Nov 12, 2007 4:37 am; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Gemma Firestorm
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 80
Joined: 03 Nov 2007
Posts: 25
Reviews: 6
Country: coughing
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 7:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I like this, this is pretty. It's awesome! Great job!
-Gemma |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kim
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2007
Posts: 338
Reviews: 317
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 10:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
this is very good, it was easy to read and flowed. the emotion was put out there.
great job.
kim |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 1:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
The rhymes made me think of this more as song lyrics than a poem; like they're something to be spoken or sung rather than read.
| Quote: |
Your body feels broken apart,
a stolen soul,
a hole in your heart. |
^ I do so like this idea very much! I wish you'd concentrated on this for the whole poem rather than make a passing reference! 
That's another thing that made me think of song lyrics; the ideas are more general than specific and focused, as is the word choice. As to the generality, it's a tad cliche, not being able to live without the other person; and there's been no expansion on it to breathe into it new life. I'd suggest picking one of the many ideas here and running with it.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions ^_^
-Amelia |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| So should I leave this here, or move to lyrics? |
_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8729
Reviews: 2140
Country: USA
2148 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 2:01 am Post subject: Re: A hole in your heart |
|
|
I guess if you want to, I can move it. 
Anyway! I liked the other poem better, partly because this seems a little unconnected, as if the stanzas don't belong with each other. We can't really see what's happening to the narrator, or see what the narrator is seeing, and that's a bit of the problem. Show us what is going on more and then we can react better to the poem and be more emotionally involved. 
And rate your poetry, darn it! *prods* |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
CrisCaraway
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Sep 2008
Posts: 155
Reviews: 15
Country: under a rock in Tanzania
684 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey,
I really liked this, it was different, in a good way. I was a bit confused as to what it was about but I did really like it. |
_________________
Little amuses the simple |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: :P |
|
|
| I liked it, it was simple and said a lot to me - keep it up! i want to read more! |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with leja. This poem would be a great part of a song.
I thought everything flowed quite nicely. Just don't forget to capitalize the first letter in each stanza!
Well done!
- Summerless |
_________________
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
|
| Back to top |
|
lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really liked the poem. If you want to move it to lyrics, but then make it longer.
Your poem teaches moral as well. Thats what I like about poems. I didnt exact fined any grammer mestakes. |
_________________
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
