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The Elephant Boy {seven}
The Elephant Boy {seven}

by Kylan in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 4, 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:24 pm    Post subject: 2.7 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Gimico's T Reply with quote

Thomas had agreed to help William pick up Mr. Bucklin’s very expensive “Travel Set” at Gimico’s Travel, which he had been told was a place where travel arrangements could be made and the only spot in Ireland where you could “preview” your travel destination. He had never been there before but William seemed to know the route the same way as if he were heading home, memorized.

“Here we are Thomas, Gimico’s Travel!”

They had stopped in front of what appeared to be a very old Victorian Mansion, except when they entered into its white halls each room on the left and right sides of the Mansion seemed to contain a different travel location. Thomas had never seen anything like it before. As William led him to the reception counter conveniently located at the end of the hallway he glanced into a room and instantly felt the temperature drop by thirty degrees.

“Come on Thomas, you wouldn’t want to get lost in here, trust me…”

“What!?” Thomas replied smiling. “Don’t tell me you’ve gotten yourself lost in that room before.”

“Okay, then I won’t.” They both continued walking briskly until at last they neared the reception counter. So far he had seen a room filled with ice, one with sand and another, which he thought, looked like it contained a valley.

As William took out the receipt for the Travel Set Mr. Bucklin paid for, Thomas couldn’t help but notice the strangeness of the receptionist. He was dressed in a black suit and had a very smashing tie bearing the image of a Garden Gnome chasing a fairy. Slightly pressed on his chest was a tag that said Edward Ross.

“Okay William, Emma will be right down with your father’s parcel, EMMA! And I do believe we’ve never met is that a correct assumption?” Mr. Ross turned to face Thomas.

“Yes sir, never.” “But he is attending Bagintons Academy is he not?” William was now the one being interviewed refreshingly for Thomas.

“Why yes he his, Thomas will make a fine student if I may say so myself and he is already picking up on our ways.” Mr. Ross gazed again towards Thomas, who was now getting very nervous as he noticed one of the rooms inches towards his left had a fire roaring inside it.

“Why don’t you come by our place tomorrow, I can pick you up from the Bucklin’s and before we head to my home we can all stop by Pawn’s Shop. William you’re more than welcome to come and feel free to bring Charlie, I know how much he enjoys our Spaghetti with the Albanian shredded cheese and he’s always quite fond of the apple cider that follows the meal!” William coolly answered,

“ I’ll be sure to pass the message along to Charlie and my folks however, I myself must decline. I have a rather nasty meeting tomorrow with the Ministry of Athlone considering Falice Woodsworth, it seems they have suspected me of assisting him during the killing of Sam Ackland, and while I assure you I had no part in it and that I hate Falice, I’ll be pleading my case before the jury tomorrow.”

At that moment a girl around Thomas’s age came walking down the staircase that paralleled the reception counter.

“Here it is father, the green one, yes?” “Very good Emma! First parcel identified!” Thomas was tilting his head back and forth from Mr. Ross to Emma, his eyes would occasionally catch a glint from brown eyes and her brown hair seemed to be simple in its hairstyle. She was clutching a Fashion Magazine in her other hand and by the looks of the cover, she too had tried the “Witch’s Weekly.” William on the other hand was very much calm and dignified, paying very little attention to what was going on and he was frequently tapping his watch, which was most irksome at times that Thomas tried to follow the conversation. Mr. Ross had gone further behind the counter and Thomas had to seize this opportunity to change the spot where he was standing on as his shoes were now covered with soot.

“Mr. Ross?” Mr. Ross turned around, “yes Thomas?” Thomas pointed towards the room to his left whose doors were now on fire. “I really don’t think that’s normal.” He quickly stepped to his right as Mr. Ross jumped over the counter, brought out his wand and told everybody to step back. “Flumen iam!” A mini river started pouring out of his wand tip and covered the flames. As Mr. Ross directed his wand towards the door a voice yelled at them from the entrance.

“Mr. Ross! What is going on?” With a quick gesture water was no longer coming his wand Mr. Ross placed it back in his back pocket. A short, bald man in green leather shoes wearing a black jacket with a collar came patrolling through the hallway. The expression on Mr. Ross’s face had turned from fear to anxiousness. “Gimico, you missed the fire in room nineteen.”

“Not all of it,” and with a gruff he ousted the remaining flames. “Urgent matter Mr. Ross I need to talk to you right now, and it involves these three people right here.” As he said that he began pointing to each of them. Mr. Ross defiantly stood his ground.

“If it involves these children right here surely they have the right to hear it, don’t you think so Gimico?” Thomas noticed how Gimico was hesitant in responding.

“It’s okay, really Mr. Ross, it doesn’t matter if I hear it.” “Wait a second Thomas!” William was now curious to what was happening. “I think you definitely have a right to know what’s being said about you or me, for that matter.” Regardless of the fact that William was fifteen, he stood at least a quarter higher than Gimico. As William leaned in anxious to get a response out of Gimico, it was quite obvious that Gimico himself had noticed this size difference.

“Fine! It's a message from the Ministry of Athlone, they want the boy and his “friends” to be taken immediately to their headquarters. By means of force if necessary.”

He immediately pointed to William after saying this. Mr. Ross was outraged.

“How can that be, he hasn’t done anything wrong from what he’s told me and Emma and Thomas don’t even attend Bagintons yet!” Gimico interrupted forcibly.

“The Ministry of Athlone has the consent of the Head Ministry of Ireland to bring this lad in, and his friends, by any means necessary. They will use force Edward. That’s why I came straight to you after I heard this message. They aren’t messing around, they mean everyone this kid knows….” Thomas was tired of falling behind as he grappled to understand the logic he was hearing.

“William, if you are supposed to go tomorrow why do they suddenly want you now?”

Gimico interrupted once again. “That’s what I said after I checked the meeting schedule but it seems Falice is no longer within the Academy and is freely moving around Ireland. He escaped yesterday; they are still struggling to find out how as the staff was supposed to be monitoring him.” Mr. Ross struck his moustache, “funny indeed.”



Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:14 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd love to give this a proper critique, but the solid block paragraphs are giving me a headache.

So, a quick grammar lesson for you!

When you have dialogue, you always make it into its own paragraph. An example:

-Narrative here- Johnny looked around.

"Where's the cat?" he asked. Nancy shrugged.

"I dunno."

See that? It makes things loads easier on the eyes. So if you would be so kind as to fix that in your piece here, I'll come back and give this a proper critique. Sound fair? Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

He had never been there before but William seemed to know the route the same way as if he were heading home, memorized. [This is awkward. Maybe '...but William seemed to have the route memorized.']

They had stopped in front of what appeared to be a very old Victorian Mansion, except when they entered into it’s its white halls each room on the left and right sides of the Mansion seemed to contain a different travel location.

As William led him to the to the reception counter, conveniently located at the end of the hallway, he glanced into a room and instantly felt the temperature drop by thirty degrees.

“What!?” Thomas replied smiling. [Use either the comma or the exclamation mark. Not both.]

He was dressed in a black suit and had a very smashing tie bearing the image of a Garden Gnome chasing a fairy.

“Okay William, Emma will be right down with your father’s parcel, EMMA! [Don't use full caps.] And I do believe we’ve never met is that a correct assumption?” Mr. Ross turned to face Thomas.

William was now the one being interviewed refreshingly.

“Why yes he his, Thomas will make I a fine student if I may say so my self myself and he is already picking up on our ways.” Mr. Ross gazed again towards Thomas, who was now very getting very nervous as he noticed one of the rooms inches towards his left had a fire roaring inside it.

“ I’ll [No speech between speech marks and I'll.] be sure to pass the message along to Charlie and my folks however, I myself must decline.

I have a rather nasty meeting tomorrow with the Ministry of Athlone considering Falice Woodsworth, it seems they have suspected me of assisting him during the killing of Sam Ackland, and while I assure you I had no parting in it and that I hate Mr. Woodsworth, I’ll be pleading my case before the jury tomorrow.”

At that moment a girl around Thomas’s age came walking from down the staircase that slightly paralleled the reception counter.

With a quick gesture water was no longer coming his wand. Mr. Ross placed it back in his back pocket. A short, bald man in green leather shoes wearing a black jacket with a collar came patrolling through the hallway.

“Not all of it,” and with a gruff he ousted [I don't think that's a word.][color] the remaining flames.

William was now curious on [color=red]as to
what was happening.

“Fine! It's a message from the Ministry of Athlone, they want the boy and his “friends” to be taken immediately to their headquarters.

“How can that be, he hasn’t done anything wrong from what he’s told me and Emma and Thomas don’t even attend Bagintons yet!”

Thomas was tired of falling behind as he grappled to understand the logic he was hearing.

______________
Again, you have some nice descriptions but you need to work on your grammar and wording. Also, you seem to skip huge gaps of time in between chapters which makes it confusing for the reader. I think you need to show William and Thomas actually getting to know each other first. Some good characterization though and I like the concept of the rooms with different places.

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