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Faerie Girl
Faerie Girl

by Kaylyn in Art & Photography
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This thread was created on November 1, 2007
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Night Time Descending

Topic ID: 21691
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Maybe   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 2:37 am    Post subject: Night Time Descending Reply with quote

Ok, this was the same assignment PrincessLeia23 got: It was so scary...

Considering we're in the same class, more or less, we get the same assignments. Our topic was to write a short story type thing using that was your base/prompt. Then, on Halloween, we passed them around and voted on whose was best. Mine won, yay! And...i think PrincessLeia won in her class. So...here's mine. Enjoy!

A wave of fear crashed over me. My heartbeat quickened, my breathing came in rapid and shallow gasps. I ran through the woods, adrenaline pumping through my veins, pushing me on. My fear-dilated eyes searched the black woods frantically; the darkness having already engulfed the trees and were now threatening to consume me, too, in it’s everlasting darkness that could not be pierced by even the holiest of lights.

And yet, as fast as I ran, the figure pursuing me still gained.

A mere shadow against the quickly changing backdrop that set the stage for our dramatic performance. But this was not a show set to dazzle, stun, and stupefy the audience. No, this was only for the two actors who starred in it to behold.

The figure suddenly melted into the darkness, lost in the shadows of the trees, invisible to my eyes. I dared not stop, no matter how utterly exhausted I was. Although I could not see the figure, I knew it was still there, still following, still watching. Still waiting, waiting to catch me off guard and…

I slowly began to lose speed and despite my efforts to make my legs go faster, I was unable to quicken any. Instead, I slowed more rapidly, which alarmed me. Finally, I could endure the burning pain in my chest, sides, and legs no longer and was forced to stop.

I bent down, never taking my eyes from the trees, and picked up a dead, moss-covered branch as my last defense. Much good it would do me. An owl hooted overhead, making me jump. I heard the flap of its wings as it flew off in search of food, and I envied it fiercely in its easy escape, of which I had none.

Dark oak trees, some ancient with thick trunks and great flowing branches, surrounded me on all sides. I turned in a slow circle, staring out into the woods, trying to dissect the darkness. Nothing stirred besides the leaves on the trees. No light could be seen besides the dim glow of the crescent moon hanging in the starless black sky. No sound could be heard besides my own deep breathing and the rustling of the leaves blown around by the slight breeze. I began to relax.

A mistake.

I never heard him approach. I never saw his silhouette against the dark trees. But there he was; his gleaming red eyes and twisted, demented smile that told only too much. I never saw him until it was too late. A chilling presence that left a feeling of hopelessness, loneliness, and death spread over me like a blanket that gave no warmth. A light breath, as faint as a dying autumn breeze, touched the back of my neck.

“Look behind you.”


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Note: Gone from 11/23-11/30(ish).


Last edited by Maybe on Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:31 am; edited 1 time in total
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Azila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 4:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's very good!
You do a lot of showing rather than telling, which is a very positive thing. It might just be me, but I kind of started drifting in the first paragraph and, even though it got a LOT more intriguing as it went on, the first paragraph should hook the reader. I think a good way to fix it would be to break up that really long sentence?

Quote:
I ran through those [the] woods, adrenaline pumping through my veins, pushing me on. My fear-dilated eyes searched the black woods frantically; the darkness having already engulfed the trees and were now threatening to consume me, too, in it’s everlasting darkness that could not be pierced by even the holiest of lights.

First sentence: I think that because you haven't described the woods yet, it would be better to say "the".
Second sentence: The bold words are the ones that I changed. And do break that sentence up a bit. I can't suggest anything because I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say, so you'll have to work on that by yourself. Wink

Quote:
A mere shadow against the quickly changing backdrop that set the stage for our dramatic performance.

This isn't a grammatically complete sentence. What (or who) is the shadow? It is the thing that's chasing you? You need to specify... nice simile, though Laughing

Quote:
Still waiting, waiting to catch me off guard and…

Yeah, I'm not a fan of using ellipses (...) in literature, especially at the end of a paragraph.

Quote:
Instead, I slowed more rapidly, which alarmed me.

You're doing a bit of telling here. Why don't you showus that you're alarmed rather than just telling it? Wink

Quote:
I heard the flap of its wings as it flew off in search of food. Suddenly [and] I envied it fiercely in its easy escape, of which I had none.

That period being underlined means that I think you should delete it. --Oh, and try not to use "suddenly" at the beginning of a sentence unless you absolutely have to. Wink
-----------

Other than those little things, very nice! For the most part it was grammatically and spellingly (i don't think that's a word, but oh well) sound--not to mention a thoroughly enjoyable and creepy story!

The only major thing is fixing the first paragraph, which should be easy to do.

Keep up the good work!

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Suspenseful! Smile I thought you did very well with this and I can understand why you won first place in the contest.

However, I agree with Azlla and think you should have a more exciting hook. You need to grab the reader and pull them in. Not just slowly bring them to the climax. If you do that, they loose interest.

Hope I could help!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have a talent with building up suspense. I liked that. You have some nice descriptions and derail, also. I didn't notice any errors, so yet another plus.

Good work. Keep writing.

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