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Another Chance short story
Another Chance      short story

by Aurora in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 31, 2007
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Mercenary Wings 24
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sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:15 am    Post subject: Mercenary Wings 24 Reply with quote

Message from The Kool One:

Quote:
Lots of action and excitement here...finally!

Sorry to say this, oh faithful and wonderful critiquers (kitty and greeny) but this will be the last M-W post for a while. I'm in the NaNoWriMo, and I don't think I'll have time to write this. So the story is on hold for November. After November is over, I'll post a synopsis of the story so far and then continue posting.

In the meantime, hope you enjoy chapter 24, and thanks again for critiquing all of my chapters so far. I love you all!

~Mademoiselle Koool Cool

P.S. Hopefully I'll be posting parts of my November novel on here as well...I'd like it if you checked them out every once in a while!

Chapter 24

The cold,‭ ‬early-morning sun shed dim light and little warmth across the faces of the soldiers as they stood‭ ‬in silent,‭ ‬grim rows.‭ ‬The encampment was completely gone,‭ ‬leaving only the king's large crimson tent standing.‭ ‬This tent was surrounded by twenty guards,‭ ‬and within slumbered the king,‭ ‬his snores cutting through the still air and making the soldiers yearn even more for their tents that had stood so recently in orderly rows.‭

Dominic stepped out of his tent,‭ ‬trying to ignore the king's loud snores and concentrating‭ ‬instead on the rows of troops awaiting his command.‭ ‬He gestured to the six magicians who stood rubbing their hands and blowing on their fingers,‭ ‬trying to get warmed up.‭

"You'll soon be plenty warm,‭ ‬my friends.‭ ‬Can we have an invisible fire protection as we go through the forest‭? ‬Perhaps it will help us escape the notice of the forest spirit.‭"

The magicians leapt gladly to action,‭ ‬beginning to cast the necessary spells.‭ ‬The soldiers still stood at attention,‭ ‬watching Dominic as he strode to the front of the rows of troops.‭ ‬Dominic swallowed heavily as he saw them staring at him.‭ ‬He didn't know exactly what to tell them‭…‬so he decided not to any sort of inspirational speech.

‭"‬Let's march‭! ‬Be ready for orders to retreat‭!" ‬His voice rang out over the clearing.‭ ‬The six magicians spread out around them,‭ ‬the air rippling in an invisible ring around the army,‭ ‬the warmth coming from the strange air the only clue that something was different.‭ ‬Dominic nodded to the magician who was next to him at the front of the troops,‭ ‬and began to march.‭ ‬He heard the loud sounds of many feet marching behind him.‭

Despite the beauty of the red rays of the sun shooting through the leaves and casting mottled shadows on the soft greenery,‭ ‬Dominic couldn't pay attention to the surroundings.‭ ‬He kept thinking about what he was doing‭ ‬-‭ ‬attacking unsuspecting people for the sake of a king who was quite possibly insane‭…‬what was so honorable about that‭?

‭The troops silently marched through the forest, their trained feet making a uniformly soft whispering in the undergrowth, protected on all sides by invisible fire. Dominic, at the front, was the first to spot the castle - beautiful in dawn's early light, the gentle green swell of the meadow running down to where the light surrounded the uppermost towers of the castle in a soft glow. Dominic stopped, breath caught in his lungs at the sight, comparing it with the Nameless King's large, squat castle that lay at the edge of a swamp.

‭"Sir! Will you give the order to attack?" Dominic blinked and looked around at a captain who stood, shifting nervously from foot to foot.

‭"Yes. Let's get it over with, shall we?" Dominic said bitterly. "Have your men ready for retreat as soon as I give the signal." Dominic turned to the magician next to him, who was still sweating and straining in concentration, trying to keep up the fire barrier.

‭"On my signal, let go the fire signal and make preparations for battle magic. Send one or two fireballs into the middle of their army, and then retreat. We're not here to win."

‭The magician nodded and relayed the message to his fellow magicians, who readied themselves to release the fire barrier. Dominic turned to the waiting army. Drawing his sword, he held it loosely at his side and shrugged at the soldiers.

‭"As our king commands," he said quietly.

‭"As our king commands!" the army roared in return.

‭Dominic, slightly surprised at the enthusiasm of the response but encouraged nonetheless, turned forward, raisin the sword slightly. The rising sun just touched the tip of it, sending a beam of light up until it flashed in the sun. A figure standing on the top tower of the castle looked around, saw Dominic's flashing sword, and ran out of sight, shouting something the King's Guard could not quite hear.

‭"So this is how it will begin," he said, shaking his head. "As our king commands."

‭He raised his arm and nodded at the magicians. The magicians all snapped their fingers in unison, and as the air around them cleared of the fire barrier, Dominic began to run, feeling the cool, dewy grass crunch underneath his feet as he raised his sword to a fighting position. The cool air brushing his face was soothing, and he had just time to close his eyes and enjoy the sensation before he had arrived at the bottom of the hill. His troops were close behind him, and as soon as he stopped running they spread out, surrounding the castle, their heavy booted feet crushing all the grass around the moat. The archers fell to the rear and readied their bows, the short-sword's men kneeling in front of them, weapons drawn and faces grim.

‭Dominic nodded to one of the captains, who gave the signal to the archers. The archers began firing, up and over the wall, the arrows humming like a swarm of black, deadly bees. Soon there were cries and shouts from the other side of the wall. Dominic smiled grimly. The enemy was preparing to meet them in battle. He beckoned one magician towards him.

‭"Yes, sir?" asked the magician breathlessly, watching more flights of arrows humming on their devastating path over the walls.

‭"Throw some sort of ladder up so some of my men can get across the moat and up the walls. It doesn't have to be too big, just enough so my soldiers could climb it single file."

‭The magician nodded, frowning, then began to mutter under his breath. In a moment he flung his hands towards the walls of the castle and watched in delight as a sturdy, narrow wooden ladder flowered into being. It ran across the moat, then twisted upwards until it reached the top of the wall, just out of sight so the men behind those high walls couldn't see it.

‭"When I give the signal, come to the wall and help our soldiers get back out," said Dominic. He turned to a nearby captain. "Order a squadron of your men up over that wall. I want them to stay close to the wall and be ready to retreat. I'm going up first, tell them to follow."

‭Dominic ran forward to the ladder, nimbly running across the horizontal part, leaping from rung to rung. When he reached the part that curved upwards he stuck his sword in his belt and dropped to all fours, climbing higher and higher until he had almost reached the top. Looking down, he waited until several soldiers were behind him on the ladder, then drew out his sword. Gripping the ladder firmly with one hand, he vaulted over the top of the wall and dropped down to the rampart. Directly in front of him, frozen with terror, was a young woman still in her sleeping garments. Dominic sighed, decided to ignore her, and ran inward, hearing the thumping of feet behind him that told him the soldiers were following. Holding his sword ready, he rounded one corner of the ramparts and came face to face with a group of enemy soldiers trying to get their gear into some semblance of order.

‭Dominic waited until they all had at least a sword belt buckled on, then ran forwards, one smashing blow disabling the first soldier he came to. The rest of them were apparently well-trained and were ready to fight in an instant. Dominic slashed left and right, the confusion of the battle overwhelming almost as much as it had the first time he'd fought. At one point he almost killed one of his own soldiers, pulling back just in time.

‭Then, suddenly, the fight was over and Dominic blinked, straightening, and looked around. All of the enemies were either wounded or dead, and several of his men were dead as well. Shaking his head, Dominic looked up and saw a huge group of soldiers running towards him.

‭"Fall back!" he said quickly to the soldiers who were with him. They all ducked as another volley of arrows came from the other side of the wall, then Dominic lead the soldiers back towards the ladder.

‭"Retreat!" Dominic bellowed over the side of the wall, his voice echoing into the forest. More enemies were pouring out of their barracks and onto the ramparts, and some of the enemy archers were preparing their bows. Dominic hurried his men back over the wall, ducking several arrows sent their way, then scurried over himself, running across the moat as fast as he could. He nodded at the magician, who made a pulling gesture at the ladder. The ladder disappeared and Dominic pulled the magician close, trying to speak above the cries and sounds of battle.

‭"You magicians put up the fire barrier again. We're retreating!"

‭The magician ran back to where his fellows were preparing fireballs and relayed the message. They all spread out around the army.

‭Dominic stood alert, sword at the ready, ducking the stray arrows that landed his way. His men were slowly congregating, the captains relaying the order to retreat. As soon as they had gathered, the whole army could go back to the camp.

‭Dominic was just about to turn and lead the army to safety when he heard a loud cry and the sound of a cracking bone behind him. He looked back just in time to see one of his soldiers fall to the ground, a brown, smoky hand still wrapped around his throat.

‭"Ye gods, the forest spirit is here. Damn," said Dominic. He watched helplessly as two more brown hands sprung up, twisting groups of soldiers together, knocking their heads and breaking limbs.

‭"Hurry, the fire barrier!" shouted Dominic to the magicians. The air around him shimmered with invisible fire and Dominic stumbled away from the sudden heat. The smoky brown substance that had been causing so much havoc quickly shrank and disappeared into the ground. Dominic gave the soldiers only a moment to regroup before he began to run up the hill.

‭Glancing behind him only once, Dominic saw the bodies of his soldiers littering the field. Some of the wounded they had been able to bring with them, but the mortally wounded they had to leave on the field. Dominic could only hope that King Raztik gave them honorable burial.

‭Dominic turned forward again and concentrated on running, one foot in front of the other, his legs feeling as if they had hundred-weights attached to them. Honor. That's what all of this was for. A hundred men killed and more wounded, for Dominic's honor. Dominic spat to the side, watching as his saliva landed on the head of a fat white mushroom. He imagined that the mushroom was the Nameless King, and smiled in satisfaction.

‭***

‭Raztik strode down the corridor towards his chambers, face dark and furious. That morning's attack had been short, but had left a large amount of damage. Sixty-two of his men killed, and more wounded in the brief space of fifteen minutes. Such a worthless battle for the Nameless King. Raztik stopped and turned into the stone doorway of his chamber, walking past his bed and out onto the balcony. He gripped the edge of the railing in fury, teeth grinding. Raztik knew the Nameless King. He knew that this was just a statement, to say that the war had officially begun. Wives and daughters were mourning now, for the Nameless King's little message.

‭"Raztik?" A light, timid voice reached Raztik through his dark thoughts and he turned, forcing his hands to release their tight grip on the balcony railing.

‭Facing him was his young cousin, Sarah, who was still in her sleeping garments. "Raztik?" she said again, her large brown eyes looking deep into Raztik's own eyes.

‭"Sarah, I am so sorry this had to happen on your visit to me here," said Raztik. "I am afraid you won't be able to return home today."

‭"No, I suspect not," said Sarah quietly. "Is there an established infirmary yet?"

‭"Yes," said Raztik gently. "In the underground apartment of the castle next to the dungeons."

‭"I will go help care for the wounded, then," she said gently. "Please, don't worry about me at all. I will be out of the way so you can plan your counterattack."

‭Sarah left quietly and Raztik turned back, the last word she had spoken resounding in his mind.

‭"Counterattack...yes. A retaliation. Same technique, same form - go in, kill a few soldiers, and retreat," Raztik mused aloud to himself.

‭"Raztik! Are you planning what I think you're planning?" Mariamne's sharp voice made Raztik jump and he turned to see a little pool of dark brown substance sitting at his elbow.

‭"Mariamne - I suppose you were here?" Raztik asked, gesturing out over the field of battle.

‭"Yes, and I'm sorry, Raztik. But a counterattack is not the wise way to go!" Mariamne said urgently. "You must send a message to the Nameless King, set a day for an assigned battle so that it will be fair - no surprise attacks."

‭"What? I cannot bargain with a man who has no honor," said Raztik angrily. "No. A counterattack it shall be."

‭"You must not! We are weak, and still awaiting the return of Bradken and Kiera with reinforcements. An attack would be a mistake." Mariamne's voice got lower and quieter. "And by doing such a thing you would be displaying that your sense of honor is no stronger than the Nameless King's."

‭Raztik slammed his fist down on the balcony railing, causing it to shake. A muscle jumped in his jaw and his voice was tense and quiet as he answered.

‭"That is enough, forest spirit. We will say no more of this. An attack it shall be, and as soon as we can regroup."

‭"At least promise me that you will save the real battle for when Bradken arrives with reinforcements," protested Mariamne. "Promise me that."

‭Raztik paused. "Very well," he said sullenly.

‭Mariamne's essence sighed as softly as the breeze on a summer day and slid over the balcony. "Very well, then. As the king commands," she said before she disappeared down the wall.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

24 is right.

Quote:
Dominic swallowed heavily as he saw them staring at him.‭ ‬He didn't know exactly what to tell them‭…‬so he decided not to [try] any sort of inspirational speech.

You forgot a word, tsk tsk.

Quote:
raisin the sword slightly

raising

Quote:
the short-sword's men kneeling

I believe it would be "short-swords men," but I'm not sure.

Quote:
Looking down, he waited until several soldiers were behind him on the ladder, then drew out his sword

He waited for several soldiers to enter a castle? Is he suisidal or something? I think you need to increased the numbers here a LOT. Castles take TON and TONS of men to take. I know he's not trying to take the castle, but he wouldn't even be able to get in and out alive without LOTS of men. Trust me on this one, I've been to a lot of castles.

Quote:
then Dominic lead the soldiers back towards the ladder.

led not lead.

Yes, and I'm sorry, Raztik. But a counterattack is not the wise way to go!" Mariamne said urgently. "You must send a message to the Nameless King, set a day for an assigned battle so that it will be fair - no surprise attacks."
That's kind of a modern-sounding term. You might say, "not the wise thing to do," or something of the sort.


Okay...err...that's it.

-GJ

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I can understand your need to concentrate on NaNo so no worries my dear and first of all I'd like to say that I love how you ended this part! The pure irony of 'As the king commands' is brilliant and I'm very glad Dominic didn't kill the girl but perhaps one of the men behind him should have? In general, you have some exquisite detail and description, as always, and I like the idea of the use of magic to create a ladder. Very good thinking. Here's a few things I'd like to comment on -

Dominic swallowed heavily as he saw them staring at him.‭ ‬He didn't know exactly what to tell them‭…‬so he decided not to any sort of inspirational speech. [A word or two missing from that last part and it could be reworded. Perhaps something like 'so he decided against an inspirational speech.']

He heard the loud sounds of many feet marching behind him.‭ ['Loud sounds' isn't very descriptive and lately you describe it as quiet so maybe take another look at that?]

‭Dominic, slightly surprised at the enthusiasm of the response [Perhaps enthusiastic response would sound smoother?] but encouraged nonetheless, turned forward, raising the sword slightly.

The archers fell to the rear and readied their bows, the short-sword's [Not sure about the punctuation here. Maybe without the apostrophe?] men kneeling in front of them, weapons drawn and faces grim.

Overall, some excellent work, loving Dominic's character still and I look forward to more. Also, let me know when you post any of that November novel, I'd love to take a look.

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