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akirathegreat
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 Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 8:50 am Post subject: A grandfathers tale, secrets of the long since buried. |
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This is the first part of my story, it is the first one I have written and would like some honest critiques about it.^^ Don't be afraid to go to hard on me. ;P I wont be driven away that easily. [; There is going to be more to come, and possibly the names of the grandfather and his nephew will be found out.. ;P
“Steel met bone, a viscous clash as metallic ringing filled the area with the sweet sound of it all. The sickening stench of blood was thick in the air, forcing me to gag for a second, but only a minor flinch showed. My arms brought the blade down through the mans neck, finishing what had to be done. I watched as my own comrade, my fellow soldier of war, was killed by my own blade. A solemn look plastered on my face, unchanging as I watched his dismembered body fall forward, his hands still clutching the short sword buried deep in his abdomen with a death grip. His carcass hit the ground with a muffled thud, the head slowly rolling off to the side, a small bloody trail following it as it slowed to a stop.” The old man licked his dry lips, as his voice trailed off to a low whisper as he spoke, finally he looked down at his hands, engrossed in thoughts of the past as the words ceased to flow from his chapped lips.
“And then what happened gramps?” The boy asked as he stared at the elderly man sitting across from him on a small wooden rocking chair. Riveted in his grandfathers enchanting story he gazed awaitingly at him. Waiting eagerly for more to come.
The old man looked up, a soft smile spread across his mouth, curving either side of his leathery lips, a smile not of joy, or happiness at telling this gruesome tale, but simply an answer to the child, a small meaningless smile. A reply to his call to hear more of his story. “I wiped off my blade on a piece of cloth I had attached to my belt, the blood staining the white fabric a crimson red. A frown passing over me as I sheath my sword, the metallic ringing hitting the air again with a low sound of metal on metal as my sword returns home. sadness seeping into me at the loss of a friend.” He said to the boy as he lay back into the chair, rocking gently as his words spun a tale of things long past.
“After that we left the battlefield, the few men we had that decided not to take there own lives, followed me back to our hometown. We had lost that battle, and needed to ready ourselves for the next days fight... A fight that we needed to win.” The man licked at his dry lips again as his stopped talking, bowing his head alittle in respect for the dead soldiers from so long ago.
“Well that's enough for tonight, you need your sleep, better get to bed soon or your dad might get mad.” The old man said with a small laugh, and a soft smile as he looked up suddenly at the boy.
“But i’m not tired. Awwww gramps cant you tell me one more story?! Please, please, I promise I wont tell father.” The boy pleaded to his grandfather as he put his hands on his knees, leaning forward in excitement. His eyes wide as he stared at the old man, waiting for his response, the suspense was horrible as his grandfather took his chin in two fingers, rubbing it contemplatively as he thought out the boys request.
“Fine, one more, but that's it, and I wont hear a word about it, is that clear?” The old man said to the boy with a small smile as he tilted his head alittle as he spoke, waving his finger back and forth alittle at the boy to make sure he understood.
“Yes grandfather” The boy said as he sat back down, sprawling his legs out on the bed as he relaxed more so, waiting for more of the story that he loved so dearly.
“Good” the old man replied simply with a smile, as he patted the boy on the head once before starting at the task of weaving the strands of words into an intricate tale of the past.
“You know...” The old man said with a lopsided smile, his hand slowly moving up to eye level with the boy. “It might be better if I simply... show you the rest, since it might be abit tough to explain it all to you my boy” The old man added as he gently placed his hand atop the boys head.
“How are you going to do that grandfather?” The boy exclaimed with wide eyes, his back arching slightly in surprise at his grandfathers strange notion. His body bent forward, his face moving abit closer to the old mans. His mind was aflutter, not quite sure of what was to come. The young boy decided to inquire more on how this man, his very simple grandfather was going to ’show’ him things this far into the past.
Taking a shot in the dark, a question burst forth from between his lips, “Do you have pictures, or maybe a video?” The boy asked with one raised eyebrow. He knew it couldn't be that simple, he wasn't stupid, in fact he was quite the contrary.
“Just wait... and you shall see...” The old man said with a sly smile that he used only when he was going to show the boy special things. “But you must promise me that you wont tell your parents of these things, because what i’m going to show you are secrets of the past, things that run in ours, and a few other families bloodlines.” He added, his tongue sliding out, slowly wetting his chapped lips.
“Okay grandfather, I promise I wont tell anyone of this.” The boy said with a smile, his hands resting on his knees, “I’m ready.” He added with a nod, as if to prove he was indeed. One of his hands moved up to his shirt, gently playing with the soft blue fabric of it, awaiting what was to come.
“Good.” The old man said simply through his leathery lips, his brow drawing close, wrinkling up as he focused on his hand atop of the boys head. His eyes slid closed, his concentration never wavering, or fading. He lips curved up into a smile as he felt the heat grow under the palm of his hand, a warm glow absorbing into the boy.
Suddenly it happened, the old man whispered words of indistinguishable context or meaning, and the light from his palm gradually grew brighter. His memories flowing into the boys mind, making there way inside of him. He smiled softly as his eyes opened finally, and the boy fell limp on the bed. |
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starrynight89
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| Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 10:22 am Post subject: hey there! |
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Let me give u a line by line analyis before telling you how I feel about the whole thing. my edits are in bold 
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“Steel met bone,"
"A viscous clash, and the sound of metal ringing filled the area with a sweet sound of it all {I dont like the sound of this sentence, I revised it below, you dont have to change it}. The sickening stench of blood was thick in the air, forcing me to gag for a second, but [/b]I barely flinched[/b]. My arms brought the blade down through the mans neck, finishing what had to be done {Revision Below}. I watched as my own comrade, my fellow soldier in war, killed by my own blade. A solemn look plastered on my face, unchanging as I watched his dismembered body fall forward. His hands were still clutching the short sword buried deep in his abdomen with a death grip. His carcass hit the ground with a muffled thud, the head slowly rolling off to the side, and a small bloody trail followed its trail."
The old man licked his dry lips, as his voice trailed off to a low whisper as he spoke. Finally, he looked down at his hands, engrossed in thought of the past, words ceased to flow from his chapped lips.
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I tried my best with the corrections, I'm sure others will correct me.
Here are the revisions:
* A viscous clash ensued and the sweet sound of metal filled the area. The sickening stench of blood was thick in the air, forcing me to gag for a second, but I barely flinched
So he gagged without flinching?
* I brought the blade down cutting through the mans neck, finishing what had to be done.
Alrighty, moving on.
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“And then what happened gramps?” The boy asked as he stared at the elderly man sitting across from him on a small wooden rocking chair. Riveted in his grandfathers enchanting story, he gazed awaitingly at him. Waiting eagerly for more to come.
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I dont think the waiting eagerly for more to come is necessary, because you summed it up by saying awaitingly.
The story is a little to violent for the kid, no? 
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The old man looked up, a soft smile spread across his mouth, curving either side of his leathery lips. A smile not of joy, or happiness at telling this gruesome tale, but simply an answer to the child; a small meaningless smile. A reply to his call to hear more of his story.
“I wiped off the blood from my blade with a piece of cloth which was attached to my belt, the blood stained the white fabric turning it crimson red. A frown passed over me as I sheath my sword, the sound of metal filled the air once again with a low sound of metal on metal as my sword returns home I dont fully understand this part so I'll leave it alone. . Sadness seeping creeping? into me at the loss of a friend.” He said to the boy as he lay back into the chair, rocking gently as his words spun a tale of things long past.
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In lieu of answering the boy's question, the old man continued with the story
^^ Hmm, then again, instead the boy's question answered in the story? This revision might not work 
One more thing, you might want to revise the tenses because you keep switching from past to present continuous.
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“Afterwards, we left the battlefield. The few men we had that {spared?} decided not to take there own lives followed me back to our hometown. We had lost that battle, and needed to ready ourselves for the next days fight... A fight that we needed to win.” The man licked at his dry lips again as his stopped talking, bowing his head alittle in respect for the dead soldiers from long ago.
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[quote]
The old man said with a small laugh along with a soft smile. he looked up suddenly at the boy.
Why did he look at boy suddenly?
Rest of it seems fine. I like it
Some suggestions would be:
1) Like i said, work on your tenses and spacing of the story.
--You might want to split up the first paragraph a lot more because, it tends to get confusing. maybe you could do it in sections while describing the kid's expressions?
2)Try to use active voice instead of passive. Your main character should be perfoming the action.
-- I ran outside rather than to the outside, I ran The action has to come first.
3) Your sentences do get choppy at times. Maybe you should consider using transistion words which help with the flow {since, then, so, etc}
---His body bent forward, his face moving abit closer to the old mans. His mind was aflutter, not quite sure of what was to come. The young boy decided to inquire more on how this man, his very simple grandfather was going to ’show’ him things this far into the past. --
You see a lot of he is this sentence, I'll rewrite it to show you the difference:
-- His body stretched forward and his face inched closer to the mans. Unable to contain his excitement, he became restless, unable to predict his grandfather's odd ways. How was his ordinary, old grandfather going to "show" him the things of the past?
Well, that wasnt that good but you see the difference right? ( hopefully) Also, how old is the child? If he's a kid then, the way he acts and talks should be choppy and "innocent"...just putting that out there.
4) I like the story and you should definately continue
Feel free to PM me with additional, comments or any concerns.
Keep writing,
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Kyuuketsuki
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| Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 4:47 am Post subject: |
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Possibly the names? Aww, c'mon. You gotta tell us the names, Kam-kun. Soo... it looks like the grandfather has powers. Wow. I can't wait to see your next part. I noticed a few mistakes, but that's to be expected I s'pose. Can't always have it perfect.
For example, "“And then what happened gramps?” The boy asked as he stared at the elderly man sitting across from him on a small wooden rocking chair." "It should have been "And then what happened, Gramps?" the boy asked as he stared at the elderly man sitting across from him on a small wooden rocking chair."
"The man licked at his dry lips again as his stopped talking, bowing his head alittle in respect for the dead soldiers from so long ago." A little. There's a space in there.
"Awwww gramps cant you tell me one more story?!" Comma before the person he's adressing, and since "Gramps" is what the boy calls him, that gets capitalized too. And there's an apostrophy in "can't".
Well... there's a few grammar things. I really like your writing, you know that. Nice job. I will poke and prod at you until you make more. |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:39 am Post subject: |
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All right, my young Padawan, a promise is a promise, however late. One critique, coming up! (Note that I haven't read the other critiques yet... I'd rather post my own opinions.)
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| "Steel met bone, a viscous clash as metallic ringing filled the area with the sweet sound of it all. |
(Here's how this works: I'll bold the areas I think could be altered, then I'll explain underneath. Good? Good.)
"Viscous" means thick, like syrup. I believe you want "vicious," meaning aggressive and violent.
As for the second bold part, I just think you're giving too much detail. I understand it's the grandfather speaking, and so he might embellish a bit, but I've noticed you tend to overdo the imagery in the narrator's descriptions as well. Just something to think about. So, I would cut it.
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| The sickening stench of blood was thick in the air, forcing me to gag for a second, but only a minor flinch showed. |
This sounds too heroic for me. Again, people are unreliable storytellers, especially when they're the main focus of the story. However, the grandfather shows a little later that he's not necessarily proud of this moment. Also, the wording itself is awkward. I guess you can tell if you flinch a little or a lot, but... I don't know. I'd take it out altogether.
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| I watched as my own comrade, my fellow soldier of war, was killed by my own blade. |
Good! I really liked this sentence. (See? I have good things to say, too!) It really sets up a sense of caring... Like I said earlier, the grandfather isn't proud of this moment, because he had to kill his friend. It leaves me wondering why -- was it a mercy killing? A few lines down, you mention that the man had a short sword buried in his abdomen. So did the grandfather kill the man so he wouldn't be suffering? That's my guess. Maybe you could imply it somewhere?
Erm... From here on out, I think I'll be going with a much broader critique, as I'm not sure I can convince myself to continue line by line.
You describe things a lot, and while that's generally okay... you overdo it a bit, and it overshadows the plot. Take the first sentence of the third paragraph, for example: in one single sentence, you describe everything about him! Let the reader decide what kind of smile it is. Or, if it's important, hint at it, but don't go on and on trying to describe it.
You have quite a few grammatical errors as well, dealing with "they're/their/there" and "a little" (two words).
This piece is quite... dramatic, almost overly so. Tone it down a bit.
The fourth-to-last paragraph was good, and the last paragraph had me wanting to read more -- as long as it was grammatically correct and such, of course.
Really, you have a great plot, and a very interesting idea, and I'd like to see more. Just be a bit more careful about grammar, and don't overdo it. Don't try to force it; just let it come naturally, and shape it as the words hit the page.
I think this could be something great with a lot of revision. So don't give up!
And it was a pleasure being your mentor -- I only wish I had been there for you a bit more. Good luck! And feel free to come to me with any other questions. |
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Rag-Dolly
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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“. His carcass hit the ground with a muffled thud"
'Hit' should become 'hits' to make the sentence flow better.
“ Riveted in his grandfathers enchanting story he gazed awaitingly at him. Waiting eagerly for more to come."
it should be grandfather's, since it's grandfather's tale. if describing something someone owns, think of the 's as 'his'. So this would be ' the grandfather'(hi)s tale. And you should get rid of the word 'awaitingly' since it's not technically a word and you already used the word 'waiting' in the next sentence and using those words so close together hampers reading.
“He said to the boy as he lay back into the chair, rocking gently as his words spun a tale of things long past."
We already know that he's speaking to this kid. So get rid of "to the boy" since those words were made redundant the minute you told us he was telling a story.
“After that we left the battlefield, the few men we had that decided not to take there own lives, followed me back to our hometown. We had lost that battle, and needed to ready ourselves for the next days fight... A fight that we needed to win.” The man licked at his dry lips again as his stopped talking, bowing his head alittle in respect for the dead soldiers from so long ago."
Instead of using a comma after 'battlefield' place a full stop instead. It already sounds like two seperate sentences so a full stop would be better than a comma. And, 'there own lives' should be 'their own lives'. 'as his stopped talking' should be 'as he stopped talking' and 'alittle' are two seperate words.
“Fine, one more, but that's it, and I wont hear a word about it, is that clear?” The old man said to the boy with a small smile as he tilted his head alittle as he spoke, waving his finger back and forth alittle at the boy to make sure he understood."
Again, 'alittle' are two seperate words. You've been using the 'with a smile' thing alot, read over your story again and change or get rid of a few because by now we realise that his grandfather's smiling.
“Good” the old man replied simply with a smile, as he patted the boy on the head once before starting at the task of weaving the strands of words into an intricate tale of the past."
Again with the smile, you have that old man smiling in every parapgraph, aren't his face muscles aching by now? I'm not going to mention the smile thing again, but you should deffenately read it all over again and take away some of those smiles.
“You know...” The old man said with a lopsided smile, his hand slowly moving up to eye level with the boy. “It might be better if I simply... show you the rest, since it might be abit tough to explain it all to you my boy” The old man added as he gently placed his hand atop the boys head."
Here you've written that 'the old man said' basically twice, take one out. It's not neccesary to repeat it.
"He added, his tongue sliding out, slowly wetting his chapped lips."
This is also repeated quite a lot, like a bad habbit. If it is a habbit of the man you should write that somewhere. To me it seems you're using a lot of actions over and over again, making the story slighlty boring and mundane.
" He lips curved up into a smile as he felt the heat grow under the palm of his hand, a warm glow absorbing into the boy. "
'absobing into the boy' is a slightly strange way of putting it. Try for; "a warm glow that the boy absorbed".
"Suddenly it happened, the old man whispered words of indistinguishable context or meaning, and the light from his palm gradually grew brighter. His memories flowing into the boys mind, making there way inside of him. He smiled softly as his eyes opened finally, and the boy fell limp on the bed.
Instead of a comma after 'happened' use a full stop to build up tension. "his memories flowing into the boys mind" is slighlty odd. I know you're writing in current tense, so instead of 'flowing' used 'flow' and it is 'boy's', again as I explained earlier it's an item owned by the boy. "making there way inside him" should be "making their way inside him".
Although there are quite a few mistakes made, the story is well written. I was quite captured by the progression of it and I am deffenately impressed with the ending. I thought it was very well thought out over all. I didn't read other people's comments or critiques so if I've repeated anything I do apologise. Can't wait to see what happens next though. ^__^ |
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kittykat
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not a very good at critiques, but here I go.
I wish you could tell us the names of the boy and his grandfather. The fact that the grandfather has powers is very interesting. But this piece of work sort of bored me... Some parts I was mesmorized by what you wrote, but others I felt like I wanted to drift off to sleep... |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| I on the other hand from all the other critics, LOVE the idea that the Grandfather and the boy's names are kept hidden until later. It makes it more thought inducing when we find out. I really think that they need to be effective name for this to work though, GOOD JOB! |
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~nariel~
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: |
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This was very good, but I agree that you need to work on your punctuation a bit. This was very original and I really enjoyed this. I can relate to the boys because my grandpa used to tell stories to me too. One thing bugged me though:
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| “Just wait... and you shall see...” |
I really don't like the 'shall' in there. It makes your piece sound a bit like Shakespeare. Maybe you could change it to: "Just wait...And you'll see..."
Other than that, I think the other reviewers caught your other mistakes and all I can say is how good this was.
Nariel |
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R. J. Hoffman
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:12 am Post subject: |
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| interesting, but has room for improvement. I believe you need to describe the characters more. is old man wrinkle? is he black, white, purple? there is also a time confliction here. the boy spoke of a video as if he had seen them often. the aferage person did not own a camera until ww2 and even that was rare, this combine with the time during which primarily swords were used in combat does not make sense. that is unless the grandfather is imortal. |
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~Volant~
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 1:11 am Post subject: |
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| I'm surprised a grandfather would talk about his war stories, especially so bloody and horrible, especially to his young grandson. A war veteren normally doesn't like to talk about the war, as it brings back painful memories. And, even if they did, I don't think they'd describe it so...luridly. They would probably glaze over the bad parts and focus on the good parts, but still be vague. You can be more descriptive when the boy sees it for himself, but really, the grandfather isn't real to me. |
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R. J. Hoffman
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| interesting point volant. i agree, unless you incorperate his behavior into the plot i suggest having some one else tell the boy the story. |
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Tadatori53
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| Posted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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There are a bit of puncuation errors, as stated already. Also, I make this mistake alot, the I in "I'm" needs to be capitalized. I know I either spell it "I"m" or "i'm" so it's not too big of a deal.
The overall story was cool. I'm still think about the grandfathers power!
Truthfully, though, the only thing that made me intersted in their names was your comment in the beggining.
I liked your detail of the fighting and the war in general but outside of him telling the story you should be even more detailed to make it seem like he's really telling the story. right now I know the story more than I know the characters.
I'm still looking forward to more! |
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Shreksurmum
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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this was good, i like the idea of a man talling the story of his past, but there was room for imporvement. im not going into some 5 hour long correction thing because countless many have done that before me, co all i have to say is listen to people when they suggest stuff and keep on writing!
oing to try out the line thingy |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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I reckon it would help us if you gave them names. We can't rally like these people without knowing the hell they are! I like this, intersting plot, but remember not to be too ambitious. I like the idea involved, it certainly gets my attention. The story lacks feelings, and emtion which you can't get with nameless people! I keep thinking that they're going soon so need to get attacthced, make sure you inldude them in the next part.
I like your descriptin ofthe batle at the start.
Keep writing!
MaRK |
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