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Railroad Crossing Photograph
Railroad Crossing Photograph

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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 28, 2007
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Lyla. Part 1
Lyla. Part 2.
Lyla. Part 3
Lyla. Part 4
Lyla part 5
Lyla. Part 6
Lyla. Part 7
Lyla. Part 8.
Lyla. Part 9.
Lyla. Part 10.
Lyla. Part 11
Lyla. Part 13
Lyla. Part 14.
Lyla. Part 15
Lyla. Part 16.

Lyla. Part 12

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Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:35 pm    Post subject: Lyla. Part 12 Reply with quote

The usual apology for time. I feel like there's something missing from this part. Enjoy anyways!

_____________________

Lyla. Part 12

I awoke sweating and gasping for breath.

“What’s wrong?”

My eyes came into focus and I could see Tom’s confused face leaning over mine. His hand was on my sticky forehead, stroking my hair in a comforting way. I licked my lips, allowing my body to feel alive again.

“Just a bad dream,” I croaked over the hum of the TV. Tom nodded, relieved, and turned back to the afternoon quiz show he was watching. I shifted my weight, which was hard considering I was lying on the sofa, my head resting on Tom’s lap. I turned onto my side so that my face was up against Tom’s stomach and I nestled into him, my arms wrapped around him. I felt him kiss my hair.

Despite my overpowering tiredness I forced my eyes to stay open. No way was I going to allow myself to drift back into the nightmare I had just had. My palms sweat at the thought of it alone.

“Lyla?”

Tom moved so I could sit up next to him on the sofa. The theme tune of the quiz began and the credits came up. It was finishing.

“Yeah.”

“You were murmuring something in your sleep...” ‘Oh no.’ Tom gave me an intense look. “About the baby.”

“Oh, you’re awake!”

Mum was smiling at me from the living room doorway. She had a pair of sandals in one hand and her hand bag in the other.

“I’m going out for a little bit of shopping and was wondering if you wanted to come with me.” She didn’t wait for an answer- she simply ploughed on. “You’ve hardly been out in the last three weeks and I think some fresh air will do you good. Keep you healthy and all that.”

I weighed up my odds. Stay and tell Tom about the horror I dreamt of or go out and endure the staring and whispers; all with the possibility of bumping into someone I knew.

“I think you should go out,” Tom put in, standing and stretching. His T-shirt rode up to reveal his flat stomach. I felt a jab of jealousy. “I might go home and pick up some of my letters and stuff today. Go and see Tina and Anthony. You might as well have a girly afternoon out with your mum.”

I had to stop myself from giving him an evil look. He’d made up my mind for me.

“Well, that’s settled then. Lyla, go get ready, we’ll be leaving in a few minutes.” Mum reached half way up the stairs and stopped to lean over the banister. “Oh, and Thomas, try to talk to your mother today. You can stay here as long as you need but my sofa isn’t the best bed.”

Tom nodded solemnly as my mum’s footsteps died away.

“I guess I’ll see you later then,” I said quietly.

“Sure.”

I picked up my mobile and began out the room.

“Lyla?”

I paused an inch from the door.

“Someone would have to be mental if they dare say a word about you. You look gorgeous.”

So maybe he did know why I avoided the outside world.

“Stupid car!” Mum shouted and banged her fists against the steering wheel. I sat patiently as she turned the key in the ignition for the third time and the old Corsa finally spat to life. “Ah ha!”

As we pulled out of the parking spot I caught the blurry image of Tom emerging from our house. We sped down the road.

I turned the radio on to try and break up the silence. My knees couldn’t seem to stay still.

“I hate this type of young music. Try something else, Lyla. There’s an Elvis CD in the glove compartment.” I opened the compartment and managed to catch a packet of tissues before they fell on the floor.

“It’s a mess in here,” I moaned as I yanked out a few long forgotten CD’s.

“Least of my worries. The car doesn’t start most of the time and you want me to sort out the glove compartment.” Mum turned down the familiar road that ran through our town.

I dismissed the Elvis CD straight away and tried to choose between T.Rex and The Beatles. Going for an upbeat style I slotted T.Rex into the player. ‘Get it on’ rang through the car. Mum hummed along and gently tapped the steering wheel. I smiled slightly. This was mum’s era of music but I loved it too. The familiar throb of the bass and Marc Bolan’s high pitched voice ate away at some of my nerves.

But all I could visualise as we pulled into the supermarket car park, were frowns of disapproval from women and tuts from men as I stepped out of the car.

I stayed close to mum as we walked down the busy high street.

“I need a few bits from Boots and then I’m going into Sainsbury’s. Is there anything you need?” Mum overtook an old lady, leaning heavily on her walking stick and looked at me for a reply.

“No, I’m fine.” We crossed the road, towards Boots, mum’s high heel clicking as we walked. I moved even closer to her and breathed in her aroma. She smelt of the lavender body lotion that she used. Two doors down from Boots was the blue curved sign and small picture of a coffee cup that stood for Easy Beanz.

“Erm…mum, do you mind if I pop in to see a friend?” I pointed to the doors of the café. Mum paused from opening the chemist’s door.

“Sure, just meet me back here when you’re done.”

I said goodbye and turned towards the café.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! It's up, but it seems quite short. I hope 13 is up soon, too.

I really liked this part. I can't really say why I liked it so much, it's just that feel you gave. It wasn't so much a a moppy pregnant teenager, it felt a little more upbeat. Of course, I could be wrong, but I loved it all the same.

I loved the bit with the car not starting! It waa funny. My parents do the same thing. The formatting was a little weird. Like, you would have a bunch of lines single-spaced, and then one double spaced.

I coudln't find any mistakes apart from it seemed to go very fast, probably because it's quite short. I'm sure it would be okay if you extended it a little, but I wouldn't be sure how you'd do that because it's great how it is.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As good as always. Very Happy

I like how it is going.

Looking forward to part 13.

cheerio.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another nice installment. Very Happy This one seemed to be lacking the sense of...action that the other installments had, though. Also, the reactions to Lyla seemed untrue. Personally, I haven't seen people react that way to someone who's young and pregnant. They may think those things, but definitely not "tut tut" and stuff. Nice job, and thanks for letting me know!

Wiggy Wink

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, thank you for the PM and sorry about not 'tiquing immediately. >.>"

Agreeing with the above stated, this just seems to lack the... oomph? of the previous installments. There just didn't seem to be enough going on, and it was a bit short. So yeah, you need to shore up what's going on a little.

I don't know about anywhere outside the U.S., but it does seem a little rude by anyone's standards to be going, "Tsk!"/"Tut!"/" when seeing a young pregnant woman. It's nothing unnatural. So yeah, that seemed overly hostile unless you wanted to make it seem like people were staring at Lyla?

That was a rather unhelpful crit, but there's not much here to pick apart.

Lookin' forward to 13! ^_^

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 9:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alainna,

I’ll shamelessly copy and paste what Sumi wrote: Thank you for the PM and sorry about not 'tiquing immediately. Or, differently, I read it a while ago, just didn’t write a proper crit.


Quote:
“You were murmuring something in your sleep...” ‘Oh no.’

What’s with that up there? The quotes?


Okay, so it appears that I have nothing to be nitpicky about. *Blinks* Also, this was, in my opinion, a very nice installment. Nothing really happened, and I’m all for that. It gives your readers time to catch their breaths after what happened in the previous ones.


Cheers,
Esme

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fabulouse as per your usual.

I am really liking her mom, she's so mom-ish.

I eagerly await the next part.

-Gen

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'm so sorry that I haven't read this for ages!!!! But here we go:

I can't help agree with the above crits - that it's lacking that certain something, but I can't quite put my finger on it...I guess it lacks a little action, but maybe you will make up for that in the next chapter?

Well I'm off to read it so...guess I will find out!

<3

Meevs
x

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agree with other crits is sadly a hobby of mine. There is something missing.
I agree that this is a little to short.

Looking forward to 13!

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PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She had a pair of sandals in one hand and her hand bag hand-bag in the other.

I picked up my mobile and began out the room. [I'd suggest either '...and began to walk out of the...' or '...and headed out the...']

“No, I’m fine.” We crossed the road, towards Boots, mum’s high heels clicking as we walked.

__________________________

Another nicely written chapter. I disagree with what the others have said about lacking action. True, something is missing but it's not that, you have plenty of conflict in her thoughts and the dream. I think what it could do with is a little more atmosphere. The reader is being told how Lyla feels but they can't feel it for themselves. There isn't enough description for them to feel that paranoia, that worry; the dread.

You need to describe Lyla looking out the windows or at particular people, wondering what they're thinking, if a smile hides a frown, if a scowl on one person's face is directed at her or the world in general. Describe that press of bodies, that busy, rushed feeling that town often has. The scent of people in the air and bread and pastries wafting from the bakeries. The variety of people from the old who walk slowly and increase that impatient, hurried feeling because of the contrast they create. The young people, the couples, the families. How does she feel when she sees each different group?

Also, if you did want to add a touch more action, have her see someone she knows. That could make a very interesting scene; her fear confirmed.

In general, I liked this. Some good dialogue, the character of the mum is defined well and in general, your writing is lovely.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Très bien, mon amie!

Short but sweet, as always.


Quote:
“You were murmuring something in your sleep...” ‘Oh no.’


Huh?


Quote:
“Someone would have to be mental if they dare say a word about you. You look gorgeous.”


Aww! Tom is so cute!


Quote:
“Stupid car!”


Haha, this was funny Smile Don't know why. Maybe that's because I can almost hear her mum say that.


I have nothing special to say now, so I'll just continue on the next part. See you!


Demeter xx

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