Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
To Swallow a Swallow
To Swallow a Swallow

by Suzanne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 26, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Sorceror's Descendant-Chapter 1: Summer's end
The Sorceror's Descendant - Chapter 2 - The first encounter
The Harlequin: Chapter 1 - Watchmen and Golems
Journey's Dawn-Chapter 1 part 1
Jouney's Dawn chapter.1 Part 2
Journey's Dawn ~ Chapter 2 part 1
Journey's Dawn - Dark Tidings

Journey's Dawn~Chapter 1

Topic ID: 21417
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Fan   View This User's Portfolio
Tea please......
Speaker of the Forum

159
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 596
Reviews: 159
Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:06 am    Post subject: Journey's Dawn~Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Chapter 1 - An Apprentice in Raile

“Sometimes we must undertake a journey to discover who we truly are.”

Elayna

Elayna walked along the cliff edge, humming happily to herself. It was a beautiful early autumn’s day and the sun was high in a clear blue sky. A welcome breeze blew in from the sea, sporadically turning into a sudden gust of wind that made the hem of her dress flap wildly.

She stopped to watch the waves break against the foot of the cliff with fascination. A cry from a gull quickly distracted her and Elayna's attention turned to the white birds soaring free in the air. She loved the feeling of flight; being free to roam the sky to one’s will instead of being hampered by the terrain of the land.

Shaking herself out of her reverie, she spun around in a pirouette with a laugh, attracting glances from several people. While some frowned upon such foolish behaviour, others smiled to see that even in these troubled times youthful joy could still shine.

Elayna noticed a sea finch being chased in the air by several seagulls. She whistled softly and the golden-feathered bird dived in her direction and landed on her proffered finger. Its pursuers quickly turned away from her disapproving look and fled. Elayna put the bird up to her face and listened as it began chirping, nodding every now and then as if in agreement.

“They won’t bother you any more, I promise,” she said and the sea finch chirped some more before flying off her finger. Elayna followed its flight until it was a miniscule dot in the sky.

Elayna could see the buildings of the town of Raile, flanked by the golden strip that was the beach and surrounded by stone walls. Seeing the buildings that made up the Raile Academy of Science and Magic, she remembered her promise to meet Alex there at three. She dug out a watch from one of the pockets of her satchel and flipped open the lid. On the lid side was a compass, while on the other face was a watch which read two thirty.

Replacing the watch back into its pocket, Elayna set off down the cliff.

Seth

“Get the ball, Seth!”

Seth tried to dive so he could hit the ball, but instead his feet slipped and he fell to the ground with a shower of sand. He heard the dull thud of the ball landing, followed by the cheers of the other team and the groans of his own.

“Hard luck,” said a voice and Seth rolled over onto his back. A boy his age with blond hair and a big grin stood over him, offering a hand. Seth took it and pulled himself off the ground, then brushed the sand off his clothes and his dark, brown hair.

“Thanks, how much are we losing by now?” Seth asked.

“Eleven to four. I don’t really care, this volleyball game isn’t really for me,” replied Nate.

“Suppose. I’ve got to go now anyway,” Seth said.

“Why?” asked Nate.

“I have to work on something for Master Ceric.”

Seth excused himself from the game and made his way across the beach towards the town. Half a minute later, he heard hurried footsteps approaching behind him.

“You know, he may be the Grand Master but he still works you too hard,” said Nate as he slowed down to Seth’s pace.

“I don’t mind, it’ll pay off when I graduate,” Seth replied.

“Still, it wouldn’t hurt to have fun once in a while. Like this,” said Nate and quickly grabbed Seth in a headlock. Completely taken by surprise, Seth could put up little resistance at first. However, he managed to kick Nate’s legs out from underneath him and broke free. Nate landed with a grunt of surprise.

“You can have your fun, but I intend to put myself in a good standing when I become a journeyman. I don’t exactly have links or money like the rest of you,” Seth said as he walked away with his back to Nate. “Why’d you follow me anyway?”

Nate caught up with him once more, but picked up a discarded tin can and threw it in a bin before answering.

“I need to pick up a parcel from the courier station. By the way, you’re getting stronger, that hurt.”

“No wonder; with someone like you always randomly attacking me,” replied Seth and playfully punched Nate on the arm. They made their way to the barrier that separated the beach and town without any further words. Nate jumped over it and gave Seth a fleeting wave before disappearing into the town. Seth on the other hand walked along it until he came to the exit.

He waited for the road to be clear of horses and carts before crossing over to the other side. He wove through the busy streets of Raile with its practical buildings. Seth cut through the market square where the cries of people advertising their wares clamoured in the air and the rich, varied scents brushed against his sense of smell. He then moved through the town centre and after another twenty minutes of walking, the more aesthetic buildings of the academy came within sight.

He flashed his pass to the guard who allowed him through and headed for the office of Master Ceric. He caught a glance of himself on the watch screen of the guard’s room as he passed; a boy of average height and build with messy dark brown hair.

I need to fix my hair, he thought as he walked. After a moment he thought against it; he preferred it the way it had always been.

As he neared the office he noticed a girl jumping lightly on the wooden posts that lined the path. Her tawny hair swayed as she jumped with incredible balance. It was a common game between the apprentices to see how far they could jump without falling and so far, she had gone much further than anyone he had ever seen.

However, as she jumped on another post, its weak foundation gave way and she lost her balance. Seth took the time she swayed with her arms flailing to rush ahead so he could catch her before she dashed herself against the pavement. However, he slipped as he stepped forwards and fell.

A second later, the girl fell on top of him and they both froze as their lips touched. Seth saw the girl’s cheeks go red as she blushed and he imagined he was doing the same. Now that he could see her face, he noticed that she was pretty as her large eyes looked straight into his.

The girl hurriedly got off him and they both sat up in a burst of activity. Seth smiled awkwardly and the girl did the same. An embarrassing silence hung between them.

“Are…you okay?” asked the girl, breaking the silence.

“I think so…my name’s Seth,” he replied.

“I’m Elayna. Thanks for acting as my cushion…and being my first kiss.”

Seth could tell she regretted saying that because her cheeks went red once more and she gave an embarrassed smile.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before. What’re you doing here?” he asked, trying to change the subject.

“I’m here to meet someone. He could be lost though, we haven’t been to Raile in a while,” replied Elayna.

His curiosity aroused, he was about to ask a few more questions but his thoughts were shattered by a loud wailing sound that pierced the air. It was the alarm going off. Seth had helped set it up and brief the citizens of Raile to head for the shelters when it went off, but he had never expected it to be used. They were too far away from the war front.

He didn’t think on it for too long, he had to get Elayna and himself to a shelter.

“Come on!” he shouted as the faint roars of the cannons being fired and blasting spells being cast reached them.

He grabbed Elayna’s hand and began to lead her away but she tore away from his grip with surprising strength and stared at him defiantly. Seth could see specks in the sky beyond the walls; winged infantry was approaching. He dearly hoped they wouldn’t be followed by Armour.

“It’s not safe here!” Seth shouted as the din of battle grew louder.

“I’m not leaving without Alex,” Elayna replied firmly, but there was a hint of fear in her eyes. Seth was beginning to get annoyed but he wasn’t sure as to how he would solve the problem. He couldn’t force her to go with him but they were in danger by being in the open.

“Where would he be then?” Seth asked. Elayna didn’t answer for a few seconds.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. But she added, “I’ll find him.”

Seth then knew what he had to do. He didn’t like the thought of doing it but he had no choice; Elayna couldn’t be wandering the streets at a time like this. He would have to play on her fears.

“Look, do you want both of us to die?” he shouted at her. “Because that’s what we’ll be if you don’t listen to me! Dead! See those specks in the distance? Soon they won’t be specks; they’ll be winged infantry in full. Winged infantry are elites in any army, they’ll kill us easily.”

“But they can’t…we’re civilians,” Elayna argued feebly. His words were taking effect.

“This war has been raging on and off continuously for over two centuries, Elayna. Mercy was killed by aggression and mistrust a long time ago. War isn‘t so kind on civilians anymore.”

Like a scared rabbit, Elayna bolted. Seth uttered a curse and gave chase. He hadn’t banked on a reaction that bad. She took them further and further away from the main academy as she ran. While the academy had another way out, it was maintained by a spirit and Seth didn’t have the right authorisation for it. As he ran, he wondered how the guild managed to miss such a flaw.

Eventually, he managed to catch up with her and grabbed her before she could go any further.

“No!” she screamed as she struggled wildly. “Get away from me! I don’t want to die! I don‘t want death! Get away from me!”

“If you stop fighting then neither of us will die!” Seth replied.

Elayna carried on nonetheless and tried to prise his hands away from her. She almost succeeded, but he held firmly and eventually she gave up and lay limp in his arms, her shoulders rising rhythmically as she breathed heavily. Meanwhile, the clear sky overhead was gone, engulfed in a broiling mass of dark clouds.

Strange, it was suppose to be clear all day, Seth thought.

“You’ll make sure neither of us dies?” asked Elayna. Her face was a mirror of innocence; her eyes almost pleading him to say that he would. He gathered her into a warm embrace as the first raindrops began to descend.

“I’ll try my best, I promise. I’ll be there when the moment comes,” Seth replied. It was the best he could do. No matter how much Seth wanted to say he would never let her die, he couldn’t lie. Only the goddess could make a promise like that.

A movement in the air caught Seth’s eye and he looked up. Human shapes with great wings were circling above like carrion birds waiting for an animal to die. But winged infantry didn’t wait. They did the killing. He kick open the door of a nearby building and pushed Elayna into it first before entering himself and closing the door. He leaned against the door with a deep breath and closed his eyes.

It was then that Seth realised how hard his heart of beating.

Ba-dom, ba-dom, ba-dom,

There was no escaping the sound. Now that he was no longer occupied with trying to get to safety, the realisation of the situation and the fear that had been held at bay began to seep into him, tainting his thoughts. Raile never maintained a strong garrison, and no casual raid would go this far. It had to be an organised army. Which meant that Raile was doomed. The battle might rage into the night; but when the sun would rise tomorrow at dawn, it would do so over either a captured town or the ruins of one.

A rasping sound brought Seth back to reality and he opened his eyes. Elayna was stood in front of him, staring intently at the naked sword she had just drawn. He noticed their surroundings; they were in the armoury. Around them were wooden shelves and racks full of weaponry and pieces of armour, most of which was well looked after. There was little dust which suggested the cleaners came here regularly.

“You’re afraid,” she said bluntly, still looking at the sword. “I can hear it in the way you breathe. I can see it in the way you tremble.”

Seth realised he was indeed trembling, that his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. But so was she, the movement of the sword was almost mesmerising. The patter of raindrops against the wooden window of the building began to echo through the room.

“Aren’t you afraid?” he asked. She didn’t answer.

There was a noise outside, as if a flock of birds had just passed. It was soon followed by a series of soft thuds. The winged infantry had landed. And with them, either death or imprisonment.

“I swear I saw someone go in, Captain,” said a voice outside.

“Well, this door has been kicked, you might be right. Get ready to go in,” replied another. It sounded strangely familiar.

Seth quickly grabbed a sword from a rack and drew it. He would need something to defend himself with; he didn’t intend to be taken prisoner.

“Did you hear that? Someone’s in there,” said someone from the other side.

“I’m sorry, it‘s for your own good,” said Elayna from behind him and he was aware of a strange rush in his head. He staggered as his mind began to spin.

What's happe- Seth’s thoughts were cut brutally as his world went black.

It was the ringing of metal on metal and the heavy patter of rain that woke him up, the sound of people fighting. It was a hard sound to escape in times of war, whether it was by the blacksmith’s hammer or soldiers training. Seth wondered what he was doing on the floor when it all came back to him.

“Elayna…” he muttered. She’d knocked him out. But why?

It’s for your own good… Her voice broke through from his memories.

Groggily, he pulled himself up, but a sudden bout of dizziness forced him to sit up against the wall. All the while the ringing continued, broken occasionally by a cry of pain. Seth’s head spun.

This isn’t normal, he thought. She’d done more than just hit him in the head. She must have used magic to daze him. But the reason why still evaded him.

It’s because you’re not a warrior. If you had to, would you kill a man? asked a voice in his mind.

But neither is she, Seth replied.

But you know she’s more a warrior than you are. You saw the familiarity with which she held that sword.

He was talking to himself. Maybe he was going mad? No, the mad only thought they were getting saner. It was because of the spell. He had to break it. From the darkness of his memories, Seth recalled an afternoon with Master Ceric.

"The Rbian Locus," Master Ceric had said, and tapped him on the front of his head. "One of the three magic control organs that separates you from the many Basics out there. Probably the most useful in a magical fight; if your mind gets hits by a spell, it'll remain unaffected. But of course, you'll still have to find a way to channel magic specifically through the locus with no thoughts to corrupt it. Many can't, and even then, the few who can do so with great difficulty."

"Can you do it Master?" Seth had asked.

"Barely, but I suspect you could, boy, and easily at that. You've got one of the greatest minds I have ever seen. You'll be great one day, Seth; I can see it in your stars."

The clearness returned to his mind with such speed that he surprised himself. He stood up and this time no dizziness afflicted him. Master Ceric had been right; it had been easy for him. However, the ringing sound still pervaded outside, cutting into his rejoicing with its metallic tones.

Seth grabbed the drawn sword off the floor and burst outside. A chilling scene greeted him.

He had walked into a massacre. More than ten bodies littered the floor, lying on a bed of bloodied feathers. They were men and women; some old and some young, even light-haired and dark-haired. The only thing they all shared was that they were dead, their blood mixing with the rain.

What? He thought as he collapsed to his knees in shock. Seth retched as the gashes invaded his vision. It was then that he realised something else. No…

They all wore Draegan uniform. None of them had been Avalonian soldiers. Which could only mean that one person could have killed them.

Elayna darted around, battling with the last soldier of the squadron. Her dress was stained with the blood of the soldiers she had killed. She resembled an innocent monster as she fought, soaked by the heavy rain. As her head turned his way, shock filled her eyes as she saw him and her movements ceased.

It proved fatal.

Seeing an advantage, the Draegan quickly drew out a knife and threw it. It cut through the air and hit Elayna in the side. She staggered for a moment, then collapsed.

“No!” Seth shouted and ran forwards to put himself in between her and the Draegan. Despite what he had just seen, he still wanted to protect her. He had made a promise earlier, and he would keep it.

“Seth?”

Seth looked up and stared intently at the Draegan. His heart stopped as he realised who he was, and why his voice had seemed so familiar.

No, it can’t be, he thought.

“Seth, is that you?” asked Kel.

-----------------------

So, to those who read it before, is it better. Does the third person work better than first?

EDIT: Like Porchys said, I'm not sure about the finch. Can an expert help me out here? What bird is small, cute, and lives at sea in a British summer type climate?


_________________
"A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."

Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter!Smile


Last edited by Fan on Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:17 pm; edited 6 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
kshsj777   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

74
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 16 Oct 2007
Posts: 90
Reviews: 74

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

“You know, he way be the Grand Master" should be "You know, he may be the Grand Master"

"s boy of average height" a typo there.

"However, he slipped as he stepped forwards he slipped on something and he fell."
You use slipped twice.

"They were to far away from the front." "too" instead of "to"

"tried to prise his hands away from her." should be "pried"

There are several places you missed when you were changing it to third person:

I asked, trying to change the subject.

He would need something to defend myself with;

“I’m sorry, it‘s for your own good,” said Elayna from behind me and I was aware of a strange rush behind me. I staggered as my mind began to spin.

Seth wondered what he was doing on the floor when it all came back to me.

Groggily, he pulled myself up

Her movements stopped.

The clearness returned to his mind with such speed that he surprised myself.

From my darkness of my memories, Seth recalled an afternoon with Master Ceric.

"The Rbian Locus," Master Ceric had said, and tapped him on the front of my head

He was talking to myself.



"Her movements stopped." This sentence seems awkward.

Mention the Draegan and Avalonian sides earlier. I'm still not sure which one Seth belongs to. Is Elayna on the same side as Seth?

I did think it was interesting. You had a good plot.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Phorcys   View This User's Portfolio
The Wannabe Actor
Master of the Forum

605
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Feb 2006
Posts: 1463
Reviews: 605
Country: Blighty
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

>> Ok, some nice improvements to Elayna, much more poetic and descriptive. SHe is now more credible as a character. However - not sure aboutt he credibility of a Finch at sea, Im not an expert but are Finch's sea birds?

>>clothes and his dark brown hair.

Doesn't work, maybe its the syntax. I think its the verb "off" before - change it to "from" or "off of". "brushed the sand from his clothes and his dark, brown hair." Reads better.

>>Seth's POV is much, much better. However don't feel restricted by the third person, you can still use a subjective viewpoint within the third person if you wanted to in order to give us a little insight into his head. Pratchett does this a lot and also King tends to incorporate this into their styles of writing.

>> I loath the word "Finally." Purge it from your work. It indicates that you or your character is bored with the story, and if this is the case the reader would be more inclined to be as well.

>>When the Draegon's come you don't really change pace, Im not on the edge of my seat in this conflict, you should change some of your sentence choices, maybe use sensuous imagery in order to build tension and speed to that part of the story.

A much better draft in general, I like how you have slowed everything down in order to cater for the masses of new information that the reader has to learn about in the story. Oh, one other thing: the title. I personally don't like it, its not really captivating - seeing as this is a fantasy story I would make it either more abstract or more punchy. "A Journey of Awakening" is a bit dull in my opinion. Thats just my opinion, mind. Wait for more feedback before changing it.

Regards,

Adam

_________________
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
Silver Ferride (Novel)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Fye   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

58
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Posts: 113
Reviews: 58
Country: Malaysia
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fantasyartist wrote:
A welcome breeze blew across in from the sea, sporadically turning into a sudden gust of wind that made the hem of her dress flap wildly.

"Welcoming breeze", perhaps? And "across in from the sea" is kinda wrong. Blew across where?

Fantasyartist wrote:
She loved the feeling of flight; being free to roam the sky to one’s own will instead of being hampered by the terrain of the land.

"roam the sky to one's own will" sounds wrong, too. Note the bolded part. I'm not sure whether it's right to say "one's own will". Probably "one's will" is just enough. Then again, it might be just me. But I'm quite sure that by maybe adding "according" before "to" will help, as well.

Fantasyartist wrote:
Shaking herself out of her reverie, she spun around in a pirouette with a laugh, attracting glances from several people.

Sounds better with a pause before "attracting glances from several people". I added a coma.

Fantasyartist wrote:
She whistled softly and the golden-feathered bird dived in her direction and landed on her proffered finger. Its pursuers quickly turned away from her disapproving look and flew away.

"Turn away".. "flew away".. a bit repetitive there.

Fantasyartist wrote:
He heard the dull thud of the ball landing, followed by the cheers of the other team the groans of his own.

Did you mean "and the groans of his own"?

Fantasyartist wrote:
Seth took it and pulled himself off the floor, then brushed the sand off his clothes and his dark brown hair.

Floor? Doesn't go with sand, does it? Ground would suit better.

Fantasyartist wrote:
Completely taken by surprise, he could put up little resistance at first.

Confusing who "he" is referring to. If I read more only then I get it that it's Seth.

Fantasyartist wrote:
“I’d have to be; with someone like you attacking me randomly,” replied Seth and playfully punched Nate on the arm.

I read this 4 times before understanding Seth's dialogue. Probably it's the pausing(comas, semi-colons).. again.

Fantasyartist wrote:
He wove through the busy streets of Raile with its practical buildings and cut through the market square where the cries of people advertising their wares clamoured in the air and the rich varied scents brushed against his sense of smell.

Long long long long sentence! I think you can stop at "clamoured in the air" or put a coma or something. Think of your poor readers that are running out of breath to read that sentence! Very Happy I'm not sure of what you're trying to say when you wrote, "the rich varied scents". If I understand properly.. er, put a coma there. Lol. Rich, varied scents.

Fantasyartist wrote:
After a moment he thought against it, he preferred it the way it had always been.

I think semi-colon suits better here again rather than a coma. Or else, with a coma, you can change it like this, "...thought against it, preferring the way it had always been."

Argh, sorry Fan I have to go now. Can I continue my crit later? I'll continue it like how I have up there and also tell you what I think of your changes.

I didn't mention some mistakes as they've already been mentioned before me. There're really a lot of misses for the first to third person transition. Revise it!

To be continued,
Fye.

p/s: Love comas! Very Happy

_________________
Exams coming up.
*Angst*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fan,

Promised I’d give you some impressions, and here I am. Sorry for the wait. ^_^

Anyway, as I scanned through the story, I noticed that improvements were made. Notices, too, now, lol. (Eh, yeah, I do like commas…) The descriptions, e.g., are more vivid from the POV as it is.

Another thing: You changed the title yet again? As in, I’m becoming paranoiac because of you, lol. It had changed, hasn’t it? I don’t know, I kind of liked ’Journey’s Dawn’, if you have to have the word ’Journey’ in the title.

Visual-wise: Put an extra space before continuing for Seth’s third person, it’ll look better Wink

What else? The world. As much as I love the character, which all have, in my opinion, personalitie sof their own, I don’t really have a feel of the world. E.g., there’s a game of volleyball, and mostly because of that I though, when I first read the story, that it was set in the modern world, and the Seth’s playing around with swords. I can’t quite place all this, whether it’s in the future or past.

Well, that is, I suppose, it. Or almost. I have one more thing to say: sometimes the POV transfer isn’t too smooth - what I mean is that there are some leaks, and at points there is still first person POV. My advice is to just skim through the whole excerpt once again (tedious, I know).

Quote:
“I’m sorry, it‘s for your own good,” said Elayna from behind him and he was aware of a strange rush behind me.

POV-sort-ish change?

Quote:
After a moment he thought against it, he preferred it the way it had always been.

Either add a semicolon, or split the sentence; it’s run-on right now.

Cheers,
Esme

P.S. The last quote is just an edit, because as I skimmed through the story, I wasn’t really set on searching for minor, easy to fix mistakes.

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Fan   View This User's Portfolio
Tea please......
Speaker of the Forum

159
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 596
Reviews: 159
Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 5:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all for your crits! It appears that I had more transfer errors than I thought. Well, it was rather late at night when I finished with this. I'll edit it in about an hour, need to eat. Thank you all again for your crits!Very Happy

P.S. Promise chapter 2 will be up by thurday-ish. Working on the proper write up now. And after deliberation, I've decided to keep the title how it was.

_________________
"A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."

Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter!Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Kyte   View This User's Portfolio
Fantasy guru
Speaker of the Forum

398
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Aug 2007
Posts: 982
Reviews: 398
Country: Somewhere in Florida
350 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would break this up. Maybe have each perspective as a different chapter.

_________________
Oh, the humanity!

Black Cat Sachiko
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Fye   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

58
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Posts: 113
Reviews: 58
Country: Malaysia
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 7:47 am    Post subject: Re: Journey's Dawn~Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Fantasyartist wrote:
Seth took the time she swayed with her arms flailing to rush ahead so he could catch her before she dashed herself against the pavement. However, he slipped as he stepped forwards he slipped on something and he fell.

The first sentence up there is a little draggy and a wee wee bit confusing(but I'm smart, so I didn't get confused, hahah!). Razz

Fantasyartist wrote:
A second later, the girl fell on top of him and they both froze as their lips touched. Seth saw the girl’s cheeks go red as she blushed and he imagined he was doing the same.

Hehe, nice, very nice.

Fantasyartist wrote:
Now that he could see her face, he noticed that she was pretty as her large eyes looked straight into his.

Nothing wrong, but I just felt I could improve the sentence a bit. Hehe. Itchy fingers. Don't bother this quote at all, if you want. Wink

Fantasyartist wrote:
“I think so….my name’s Seth,” he replied.

It's interesting to know that even a dot can be a typo. An ellipsis has 3 dots. Very Happy

Fantasyartist wrote:
They were too far away from the front.

Confusing. From the front of what?

Fantasyartist wrote:
She took them further and further away from the main academy as she sped away and Seth gave chase.

"Further away"..."sped away" is repetitive. "Gave chase" is also repetitive from the previous sentence.

Fantasyartist wrote:
As he ran, he wondered how they’d managed to miss such a flaw.

"They" as in the people who set up the alarms? It's not too clear.

Fantasyartist wrote:
Seth turned her around and stared her face.

I didn't imagine Elayna with her back facing Seth before this because she was talking to him. So it's weird here when you wrote that he turned her around.

Fantasyartist wrote:
He opened the door of a nearby building and pushed Elayna into it first before entering himself and closing the door.

Don't use "first before" they both mean somewhat the same. "...pushed Elayna into it before entering himself..." You changed "kicked" to "opened". Later on when they were found you mentioned that the door was kicked. Should you change it back to "kicked"?

Fantasyartist wrote:
It was then that Seth realised how hard his heart ofwas beating.


Fantasyartist wrote:
The battle might rage into the night; but when the sun rises tomorrow at dawn, it would do so over either a captured town or the ruins of one.

I'm not sure whether it's "rises" or "was to rise". Definitely not "rose", though.

Fantasyartist wrote:
“I’m sorry, it‘s for your own good,” said Elayna from behind him and he was aware of a strange rush behind him. He staggered as his mind began to spin.

"...Elayna from behind him"..."...strange rush behind him". Repetitive. I don't think it's too easy to imagine a rush behind...maybe a rush through his head? Or the his whole body perhaps... I don't know. One POV mistake here.

Fantasyartist wrote:
From the darkness of his memories, Seth recalled an afternoon with Master Ceric.

Another POV mistake. Note that before darkness it's not "his darkness" either.

Fantasyartist wrote:
But of course, you'll still have to find a way to channel magic specifically through that part with no thoughts to corrupt it.

From last time, it's still confusing. Channel throught what part, now? Haha, sorry.

Fantasyartist wrote:
The only thing they all shared was that they were all dead.

"They all"..."they were all". Repetitive again.

Fantasyartist wrote:
They all wore Draegan uniforms.


Fantasyartist wrote:
She resembled an innocent monster as she fought, soaked by the heavy rain. As her head turned his way, shock filled her eyes as she saw himand her movements ceased.

You didn't emphasize that it was raining enough so readers will tend to forget that it was dark and raining. And, "himand" becomes "him and".

Fantasyartist wrote:
She stared in amazement at the blade and hilt protruding from her body and mouthed an ‘o’ before collapsing.

At this point, I think the sentence you made here is kinda draggy. Doesn't give a nice feel.

Okay! Finished! Sorry I can't help about the finch. I prefer it in two parts like you did before and like Kyte said. It's kinda long to read. And yes, I'm glad you changed the title back Very Happy.

I think I've mentioned before about using "and" to make sentences flow. Well, I still get that tinge of irritation hehe. It's less now after you've changed everything, though.

The whole story overall you concentrated a lot on your characters and it's beautiful. But as Esme said other than that it's kinda left out; the setting.

Alright, that's it! Hope I've been helpful!
Fye.

_________________
Exams coming up.
*Angst*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Phorcys   View This User's Portfolio
The Wannabe Actor
Master of the Forum

605
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Feb 2006
Posts: 1463
Reviews: 605
Country: Blighty
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I disagree about splitting this into two. Chapters can contain many, many scenes. YOu have two scenes in this chapter - there is nothing wrong with that. They would be too short to stand alone as chapters.

Too long to read? It seems to be an ongoing problem on the site that the longer the piece of work the less critiques they get.. cough...Clasir's Engine - go crit... cough... But, anyway - many novels have chapters counting many thousands of words (Tolkien, King -Id say each chapter was 4-10k)

_________________
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
Silver Ferride (Novel)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Fan   View This User's Portfolio
Tea please......
Speaker of the Forum

159
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 596
Reviews: 159
Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've made the changes and thank you all for your crits! I'm such an idiot, making so many mistakes. I'll work on setting ror the next chapter but it's meant to be an alternate world with mixed technologies.

P.S. I can't seem to find Clasir's engine phorcys...

_________________
"A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."

Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter!Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Fye   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

58
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Posts: 113
Reviews: 58
Country: Malaysia
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 4:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha yeah, what I meant was that actually it's okay if your chapters are really long but as phorcys might have suggested people won't really have the mood to crit cause they're just plain lazy once they look at it without reading the true beauty! *winks*

Ah, the second chapter! *sits on this chair waiting for it, then finally concludes that it'll be ridiculous to wait for hours or days* PM me, please! ^^

Fye.

_________________
Exams coming up.
*Angst*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 26, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 26, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society