Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
When Innocence Dies ~ chapter seven
When Innocence Dies ~ chapter seven

by Sorsha2 in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 25, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Beautifully Evil #1
Beautifully Evil #2
Beautifully Evil #3
Beautifully Evil #4
Beautifully Evil #5
Beautifully Evil #6
Beautifully Evil #7
Beautifully Evil #8
Beautifully Evil #9
Beautifully Evil #10
Beautifully Evil #11
Beautifully Evil Epilogue

Beautifully Evil #12-13

Topic ID: 21385
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 1:24 am    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #12-13 Reply with quote

Chapter Twelve

There was light…but it fades away…pain…now it is gone…there is a red, velvet chair in sight…now it is all black…noise…as if knocking on wood…more pain…blinding light…black.

The knocking increased in size as Christian slowly woke up from the pain and drowsiness that he had been through. The light was blinding and the knocking became furious.

“Open this stupid door, Krobeth! I hate you and want to kill you!”

It was Mary. “You may be my father, but that doesn’t bother me anymore! You have sucked Christian into your throne of lies! You will kill everyone you see once you get going! I have to put an end to it.”

Christian moaned. The pain returned.

“Who is in there? Krobeth? Are you there?”

The door was pounded on and finally Mary got through. “Christian! Oh, Christian! What has he done to you? What is this? A needle? Who has done this to you, Chris? Was it Krobeth?”

Christian didn’t respond. He was asleep again. Mary slapped Christian’s cheeks and said, “Wake up you idiot boy!”

Christian’s eyes slowly raised. “Krobeth…stabbed…. me.”

“Oh Lord, please curse that man!” She looked up into the heavens and looked back down at Christian.

“Did he tell you where he went?”

“Kill.”

“OK, that is what I thought! I have to go and get the police!” She stood up and walked toward the door.

“Wait!” Christian called, weakly.

She looked back. “What? I have to go now! He has probably already killed everyone! There is nothing we can do but get the police!”

“Bring…me!”

She groaned and went over to Christian. She put her arms under his strong torso and lifted. “You’re too heavy! You have to stay here!”

“No! I…go!”

She moaned. “No! You have to stay here! You are still intoxicated!”

Christian shook his head and slowly, ever so slowly, lifted himself up onto the floor. “I…go…”

Mary sighed. “Fine, but I will go to the police station. You go to the Turner’s house. We will meet up!”

Christian nodded faintly. “I will try to get there…as fast…as I can.”

“Hurry! Go!”

Christian slowly took off, but gained speed after he left the house. His thoughts were only to lift his foot another step and to get to Christy-Ann. His love is what urged him to move on.

He would physically not been able to move for another hour, but miraculously, love pushed him onto the road.

The Turner’s mansion was only a few blocks away, but it seemed to take a lifetime just to get to the first half of a block. His eyes became dark and hazy, and he passed out, on the sidewalk.

No one helped the teenager get up, but he regained consciousness a few minuets later. His love was stronger than anything he had ever felt before. Love pushed him along. Love made him weep, made him jump for joy and made him live life the right way. He loved Christy-Ann more than his own life right then, just so he could save her.

He didn’t even think about the negative things that could occur. She could be dead.

He stopped and cried about that thought. No! I won’t let her die! She has to be alive!

He turned a corner and then stopped

He was there, at the Turner house.

Chapter Thirteen

Christian tried to climb up the many stairs, but couldn’t; he was far too weak. Please, God, help me make up these steps. He thought about Christy-Ann and put one foot above the other and it took twenty-four of that procedure to get to the top step.

He thanked the Lord and staggered over to the door. He caught his breath and held it, not knowing what could lie beyond that door.

He looked for Mary, but could see no sign of her, so he opened the large, wooden door.

Instantly, Christian’s legs gave way and he tumbled to the ground. He had only seen one portion of the horror of the room. He had seen a man, lying face down on the stairway, with blood dripping down the stairs.

He slowly rose back up with teary eyes and knew that the man on the stairs was George Turner, and he was dead.

But, the most horrific scene in the room was in the very center. Krobeth was standing behind the girl that Christian loved so very much, holding a knife to her throat.

Christian didn’t say anything for a while, but he was partly relieved that Christy-Ann wasn’t yet dead, but it was worse when he saw her face, covered with blood.

Christian looked around the room. There were bullet holes in the walls, and a long shiny sword; lying next to it was a chair, slashed and cut up.

Christian focused all of his remaining energy on Krobeth and Christy-Ann. “So…you finally did what had to be done.” Christian said, suddenly strong and manly.

Krobeth nodded, but was careful not to say anything. After a bit, he said, “Yes, you were too weak to kill a man; and in a while, your true love will join with the rest of the corps!”

Christian felt a dagger in his heart and shook his grief away. “You will not lay another finger on her! Let her go, and you can kill me!”

“Christian no!” Christian had thought that this cry had come from Christy-Ann, but no. Mary had just opened the door and entered the room.

“Mary, I ought to have you hung up and slaughtered after all you have done to ruin this night!” Krobeth yelled.

It was then that Christian suddenly remembered this house. It was the house of his dream where he had saw Christy-Ann die of sickness. He remembered the grand staircase and it split into two, one going right, the other going left. Yes, this was that place!

“So…Krobeth,” Christian said, suddenly, “Was this your original plan? Were you planning on killing George by yourself? Or did you really, honestly, hire me?”

“You fool! Do you really think that I would let you have half of the money you would be getting me? Oh yes, that is right. You would not be getting me a million dollars; I would take all of this dead man’s money! Including his daughter’s life!”

Christy-Ann screamed and bit Krobeth’s hand. The old man did not even flinch.

“And,” he continued, “I would probably end up killing you too, Christian. After all, you knew too much.”

Christian shook his head, thinking about what Krobeth could have done.

“So, why did you hire me?” Christian asked.

“I thought you could help me at the time. All the while when you were trying to get Christy-Ann here, I was already planning to kill you. And yes, I did see you under Mary’s bed. I am not stupid like you think I am. I have my ways. And of course, this old house would be the perfect place for both of these…idiot people to die. Well, now that you have come, I guess I will have to kill both of you as well!” Krobeth nodded towards Mary and Christian. “You see, this child standing next to you was the only surviving child of Susanna’s children. Mary, you were the only child that we had.”

“So,” Christian spat out, “you lied about the whole ‘I have a grudge on Turner because he stole my money and killed my family’?”

Krobeth evilly smiled.

“Krobeth! You have no reason, nor right to be here!” Mary yelled out.

“What is that suppose to mean?” Krobeth replied.

Mary looked down and spotted the sword, lying next to the cut up chair. “What have you done?”

Christy-Ann squirmed, trying to break loose. She failed and the knife was held closer.

Krobeth smiled and gratefully explained the battle, “You see, George and I were good pals back, well, back before I killed this here’s brother!”

Christy-Ann burst out crying. “Shut up you idiot girl, or I’ll slit your throat!”

Christy-Ann shut up immediately.

“Let’s just put this in words you will understand. I slaughtered him! Right in front of his own daughter! I love the sound of death!”

Christian was disgusted. How had I been a friend with this evil man? I hope he dies right now!

“He put up quite a fight, as you can see, with the sword that I wielded and the chair that I cut up for him.” Krobeth laughed.

“You are evil Krobeth.” Christian said.

“Do you really think that that sentence means anything to me? Just another bunch of mixed up words.”

“Mary,” Christian turned to Mary, “How do you know Krobeth?”

“It,” she said disgustedly, “is my father. He always threatened to kill me, as you saw that one time. He goes to get himself drunk, and then pays for his sins on me! I broke my neck one time, and it had to heal on it’s own!”

Krobeth made a sudden noise and Christy-Ann yelped. The knife was digging into her throat!

“Christy-Ann!” Mary and Christian both cried out.

“Save your useless pity! Your time is over!”

Suddenly, there were gunshots and Mary fell the ground. “Get down! Police are shooting!” She urged to Christian. He did so and saw Krobeth run up the grand staircase, making sure that he stepped on the dead George. Christy-Ann screamed for her life. “Help! Oh, please! Christian!”

Her cries pierced Christian’s heart. His love was going to die unless he did something, so he shot up and ran towards the staircase, ignoring Mary’s cries to return.

Krobeth had turned left on the staircase, leading to a different wing of the mansion. He heard Mary climbing the staircase and soon, she was right behind him.

“Where is he?”

Suddenly, he shot out with Christy-Ann still in his grasp.

“Die! All of you!”

It was then that Christy-Ann freed herself from Krobeth’s grasp and ran for her life.

Krobeth pulled out a gun and aimed it at her. Mary ran up to her father and kneed him in the groin.

He bent over and Mary shoved him to the ground.

All was looking hopeful until Mary was pulled back to her father and he grabbed the gun. He aimed it at Christian who was the only one still standing. Christy-Ann had run out of the house.

“Don’t! Father, kill me! I know you have wanted to for sixteen years, so do it! Let Christian go! He has done no harm to you!” Mary shouted, desperately.

“No! Mary!” Christian shouted.

Everything froze. Christian faced Krobeth and Mary, still on the ground, struggling to get up. It was then that Christian had realized that Mary had just given up her life to save him.

The feeling of overwhelming grief and pain and sorrow and guilt rushed upon him in a moment. All hope was gone.

With a pull of the trigger, Mary’s life was gone.

Christian turned around and ran back downstairs. It seemed as if everything were going in slow motion. His life had changed drastically and now he was left alone. Mary was gone. Lost. Dead.

There was only one other bullet shot that day, and that bullet ended the life of a man who had his dead daughter cradling in his arms. It was said that the police had found tears dripping out of the old man’s eyes. His sweet, innocent daughter and him were both gone. In a flash, the world was rid of two people. Forever.


_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Pawprint   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

71
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 120
Reviews: 71
Country: Where a cat will call Heaven
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 1:41 am    Post subject: !!!!! Reply with quote

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________
Visit my blog anytime!
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/weblog.php?w=871
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kim   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

317
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2007
Posts: 338
Reviews: 317

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is by far the best one yet bear. i love the action and suspense. you did an awesome job. there is more to come right? i sure hope so

kim
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PenguinAttack   View This User's Portfolio
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum

382
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 965
Reviews: 382
Country: Grasslands.
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am going to do a run down of the main issues of these chapters using examples for each with the reasoning beneath.

”There was light…but it fades away…pain…now it is gone…there is a red, velvet chair in sight…now it is all black…noise…as if knocking on wood…more pain…blinding light…black.”

You flip tenses here. Throughout the story you are mainly writing in third person past tense, “faded” instead of “fades” etc, watch out for awkward changes.

”“Open this stupid door, Krobeth! I hate you and want to kill you!” “

Well, that’s a little odd, and not a compelling reason for Krobeth to open the door. Perhaps she would have taken a different approach?

”Krobeth nodded, but was careful not to say anything. After a bit, he said, “Yes, you were too weak to kill a man; and in a while, your true love will join with the rest of the corps!” “

If he was being careful not to say anything why did he speak? “After a bit” of what? I know that sounds odd and I can assume you’re talking about time, but it still looks and sounds odd here. “join with the rest”, “with that” is not needed here. And “corps” should be “corpses.”

”“I thought you could help me at the time. All the while when you were trying to get Christy-Ann here, I was already planning to kill you. And yes, I did see you under Mary’s bed. I am not stupid like you think I am. I have my ways. And of course, this old house would be the perfect place for both of these…idiot people to die. Well, now that you have come, I guess I will have to kill both of you as well!” Krobeth nodded towards Mary and Christian. “You see, this child standing next to you was the only surviving child of Susanna’s children. Mary, you were the only child that we had.” “

This is a huge info dump, and it is very rare that a “truly evil man” will just wait and then sprout out his plans to a bunch of kids he plans to kill. You also move into past tense in Krobeths speech, he is in the present (regardless that YOU are writing in a form of past tense) and, as such, needs to keep his words in the right place.

“He put up quite a fight, as you can see, with the sword that I wielded and the chair that I cut up for him.” Krobeth laughed.

This is confusing and wordy, could be reduced to something like “Krobeth laughed “Oh, he put up a fight; you can see my sword, and the gutted chair. He had no chance.” - just a suggestion, but a simple rewording makes it easier to understand and a little shorter.


“I broke my neck one time, and it had to heal on its own!”

She did not break her neck and have to have it heal on its own. This is more than slightly impossible, find a lesser injury to give her, one we could believe she healed without doctors aid.

”It was then that Christy-Ann freed herself from Krobeth’s grasp and ran for her life. “

If Christy-Ann could free herself so easily, and quickly as that why did she not do it earlier? You don’t let us know HOW she freed herself; did she twist out while he was distracted? Go limp and slide out in his lax grip? We need to know how.

”The feeling of overwhelming grief and pain and sorrow and guilt rushed upon him in a moment.”

He has the “feeling” (note singular) of all those four feelings, grief and sorrow being interchangeable. Take out two of these and change “feeling” to the plural.

”There was only one other bullet shot that day, and that bullet ended the life of a man who had his dead daughter cradling in his arms. It was said that the police had found tears dripping out of the old man’s eyes. His sweet, innocent daughter and him were both gone. In a flash, the world was rid of two people. Forever.”

A quick and rushed ending, it makes me think you just finished it as quickly as possible. Is this the end of the story? I hope not, it would leave much unresolved. The last three sentences need a lot of work. Krobeth would not have been cradling his dead daughter – stay true to the personalities of your characters – and the world was rid of more than two people that night, keep that in mind, it shows favouritism to your main characters.

All in all this is not terrible. For one so young it is actually quite acceptable. I would like to see more attention payed to the issues above, and more loyalty to your characters personalities.

Keep it up.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
writer564   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Sep 2007
Posts: 33
Reviews: 20
Country: you wish you knew
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh ,wow-- this is amazing. I would never have expected it to end like this/ You did a great job on this story!! You kept me interested the whole time and had my heart racing at the end. Comgratulations!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger
Fangala the Flying Feline   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

216
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 273
Reviews: 216
Country: 20% in the present, 80% in my head
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Are you trying to make me cry? That last scene was amazing. Horribly sad, but amazing. Just one small suggestion: add more sensory detail to break up the dialogue. Other that that, this is perfect.

_________________
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
Let's make beautiful music together
Master of the Forum

667
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1175
Reviews: 667
Country: some place that I can only dream about
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, that is so sad. I can’t believe that Mary died. I really liked her character…Grr…that makes me mad. But I guess, you had to touch the reader somehow and that’s how you did it.

Quote:
“So…you finally did what had to be done.” Christian said, suddenly strong and manly.


Comma after “done” instead of a period. Also, I found the word “manly” to be quite comical. Laughing Maybe try another word besides that; it might be more powerful that way.

Quote:
“You are evil Krobeth.” Christian said.


Comma after “evil” and after “Krobeth” instead of a period.

Well, I am on to the Epilogue!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 25, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 25, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The secret of being tiresome is to tell everything. - Voltaire
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society