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Playing The Field - Chapter 8
Playing The Field - Chapter 8

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 23, 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 12:56 am    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #10 Reply with quote

Chapter Ten

Christian was suspended from school for a week because of the fire incident. Apparently, the principal thought that he was too dangerous to be kept at school, and a week should do him good.

This was Christian’s second time being suspended, the first time was when he got in a fight with a kid who thought that he was better than Christian, but Christian proved him wrong. The kid was in an arm brace for the next three months.

Christian’s parents both had a heavy work schedule, so Christian thought that it would be a great time to go and visit Krobeth.

Christian thought that Krobeth would forgive him for trespassing into his house, but it turned out that Krobeth was drunk and didn’t remember a thing.

Christian was ushered in with great anticipation to hear about John Summer’s whereabouts. Christian handed him the piece of paper and Krobeth tucked it into his shirt. “’Da safest place in the world…right here,” and he pointed to his shirt.

Krobeth was very happy that next day for an unsuspecting reason. Christian tried not to talk about why Mary was at this house, and why he abused her, and he kept quiet.

When Christian told Krobeth about the party, Krobeth laughed and said, “Haha! Like father like son!”

Christian squinted his eyebrows. Like father like son? What does that mean? Christian thought that Krobeth was taking their friendship a little to personally.

Christian came back every day for that week, just to talk with Krobeth. They both laughed at when Christian retold his story of how they met and how he thought that Krobeth was a crazy old loon.

Finally, on the last day, Krobeth revealed his news:

“Christian, I’ve something to tell ya. It is ‘bout our mission.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, well, you see, you gave me that Summer kid’s address, right?”

Christian nodded.

“Well, I took care of him for ya. He won’t be interfering with anything about you and Christy-Ann. She is all yours.”

Christian gasped, and said, “What did you do?”

Krobeth shook his head and said, “Don’t madder now, ain’t it? He is not gonna bug ya anymore!”

Christian felt uneasy that day and when he left Krobeth’s house, Krobeth whispered into his ear, “The time for the job is almost here, so be ready.”

Christian turned around to face Krobeth. “How soon?”

“Tonight,” was the old man’s reply.

Christy-Ann wept with the greatest of sorrows. John was dead. Gone, and would never come back. She had just then heard the horrible news: John had been drunk and drove his Viper of into a canal and drowned himself. He was gone.

Christy-Ann thought about everything that they had done together. She remembered the first time they made out and the first time they kissed. It was truly true love. But now, Christy-Ann knew, he was never going to kiss her again.

The funeral was quiet. All of John’s friends were there, mourning silently. John only had a couple relatives, but they made the funeral quite nice. They talked about how talented the kid was and how he had made the football captain in his senior year.

It was then that Christy-Ann had realized that highschool year was almost out. John’s funeral was May 6th of 2006 and they only had another month to be seniors.

That night, Christy-Ann climbed into bed. It was a rainy night, and all was quiet. Her father slept a floor below her and she (when she was young) would often climb into his bed when he was sleeping, just so she would stay asleep for the whole night.

She loved her daddy more than anything in the world. Her daddy meant everything to her and they were as close as anyone could be. She told him everything, every little detail of every problem she had and they worked it out. They loved each other and talked about made up fantasies that her father could write about.

Her father was an author, after he had quit his policeman job; well, that is partly true, because he stopped being a policeman when Christy-Ann’s twin had been murdered. After that, he suddenly had a knack for writing children’s fantasies.

Christy-Ann pulled her covers up over her body and looked at her digital clock. 12:57, it read.

She sighed and closed her eyes. She waited for the rain that was pouring outside to stop. It never did. She opened her eyes to read the clock again: 12:58.

She closed her eyes once again and just then she heard something fall over and break. Her eyes snapped open. What was that? Did it come from downstairs?

She waited for more noise, but none came. Probably just the thunder. Still, she waited, with her senses keen and sharp. Even the littlest of noises would be heard—

She heard something else fall, but it did not break. She popped her head up and listened even harder. There were footsteps. Yes, she was sure that they were footsteps. Her blood pace quickened and she quietly put her feet on to the cold, hard, wooden floor. There was someone else in the house.

She knew that it wasn’t her father because he was at his second job, a salesman. So who was this?

She walked across the floor, heading toward the door. She cracked it open and gasped. A shiver ran down her back. This was exactly what had happened when her brother had been killed. That thought made her run back to her bed and cry in fright.

“Did ya hear that?” a voice said, obviously male.

They can hear me! Christy-Ann started to bawl in fright. She was utterly scared. Suddenly the thunder boomed and she screamed at the top of her lungs. She threw back the covers and ran to the door. They will not kill me! She grabbed her vanity dresser and dragged it to the door. She piled other heavy stuff on top of that so that the villains could not enter.

They were coming up the grand stairway! She ran the corner of her room and hid, shivering in the dark. She breathed quick and short, and tried to make her stop breathing in general, but her body would not allow it.

The two people were coming down her bedroom hallway and stopped at her door. They know I’m in here! They are going to kill me! She shot up from the corner and threw open her window. She looked out and the rain hit her cold, pale skin.

Someone was trying to get into her room! She screamed and looked for something she could use to climb down. There was a gutter pipe about five feet to her right, and she reached for it just as the vanity and other items were pushed away from the door. She looked back long enough to see that there were two men, and then threw herself out of the window.

She landed on the roof below and scrambled towards a little part that slanted down so she could drop off. Her knees were all scraped up, but she didn’t care. She needed to get out of this place before she got herself stabbed.

She came to the edge and looked down. I can’t jump that! I am way too high! I need to get lower! Suddenly, she heard a huge BANG and thought that she had been shot. She looked at her soaked bedclothes, in search for blood. She neither found nor felt any kind of a wound. They missed! They missed me! She looked back up at the men, but was surprised when she found that she couldn’t find them. They were not pointing a gun at her, and she thought, “Who could they have shot?”

She shook her head and tried to concentrate on the task at hand: getting down and calling the police. She had left her cell phone in her room, so she had to run to the police station.

She searched for another gutter pipe, but couldn’t find one. She heard the men coming into her room, and Christy-Ann hid in a dark patch of the rooftop. She examined her wounds on her legs but couldn’t see any in the dark. They throbbed uncontrollably and she moaned in pain.

The cold rain pounded on her skin and she shivered. She was probably the most miserable woman she knew right then, but didn’t care. She was going to be killed if she made any more noise!

She watched the window and the two men moved away. She sighed and looked out onto the streets. The streetlights were on and it gave a soft glow onto the wet black streets. How am I going to get down from here? She heard a door open and shut and saw two silhouettes walk away from her house. They are gone! She stood up and crept back to where she had jumped out of her window. The gutter pipe was slippery and Christy-Ann knew that she couldn’t climb back up it, and there was no way down. She was stuck.

She waited there for hours until her father got home and ran to her, as frightened as could be, threw the ladder up and she climbed down, soaking wet.

She told him her story and George called the police. The cops came over and inspected her house, and found a bullet in George’s bed. If he had been sleeping there, he would have been killed for sure.

The next day, Christy-Ann was the most talked about girl in school. She told everyone different stories, each one a little better than the last. She even told the principal who was very, very concerned.

She came up to Christian and told him the story and it sounded almost absurd, but still, he kept the last night’s events untold.

Christian was very disappointed that George Turner wasn’t there. Krobeth had led him up to his room and taught Christian how to use the handgun that was provided. The sword, Krobeth had decided was too big to remain hidden in public, even in the darkness. Christian smiled when he thought about what had happened.

Christian, when he first entered through the window that Krobeth had broken, knocked over a vase that crashed onto the floor. Christian had the bruises that showed where Krobeth had hit him after that. Then Christian had asked Krobeth where they should go next and Krobeth smacked him upon his head for talking.

Then Krobeth pointed up to a stairway that split into two stairs, one going right, and the other going left. Christian felt very confused because he had felt like he had been to this house before, but he knew that he never had.

The two men then silently crawled up the stairway and Christian put his foot down a little too hard on the last step, and Krobeth said, “Did ya hear that?” Christian told him that it was his foot and they continued on. Christian pointed to a door that was cracked open just a little and they both walked over to it. Krobeth had signaled to be a silent as possible and Krobeth pushed on the door, but it didn’t move. He pushed harder and it slowly budged open. They both saw a girl in the darkness and saw her jump out of an open window. Christy-Ann! Don’t! You will kill yourself! Christian had told himself.

They walked over to the window and looked down on to the roof, but didn’t see her. Krobeth grabbed Christian’s arm and tugged him down back the hallway, to a level below the one they were on.

Krobeth started to run, knowing exactly where to go next. Christian watched in amazement at how skilled Krobeth was at skidding around without any sound. Christian tried to follow, but tripped multiple times.

When they reached to room that Krobeth stopped at, he handed Christian the gun and swung open the door. Christian fired once and dropped the gun in fright. The noise was so loud, and the sound waves bounced off of the walls, making the sound echo for at least another minute. Krobeth picked up the gun and ran into the room and pounced on a bed. He gasped in surprise.

“There is nobody here! You didn’t hit anyone! He is not even here! Run! He must be coming! He will see us! RUN!”

They both took off, dashing around the corners, tripping at each other’s heels, and at last, they were back outside. Krobeth had told Christian to walk so they wouldn’t look suspicious.

Christian thought that Christy-Ann was hyperbole. She told everyone a false story and Christian shook his head. He was glad that she didn’t know that it was he. She would never love him if she knew. But, oh, I just wish that she would love me. I have done all in my power. What am I to do? I can’t go on like this. Christy-Ann hates me and Mary has disappeared. Where has my life gone? Am I to be like Krobeth for the rest of my life?

Christian made up his mind.

After school, three weeks before the school year was over, Christian cornered Christy-Ann and put his arm on top of her shoulder. She didn’t move.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Christy, I really, really like you. No, no, not just like. I love you. More than anything in the world. I threw the party just for you and you never showed up. I was really disappointed that you never came.” Christian stared at her in the eyes. She looked at her feet, but Christian said, “Look at me. Christy-Ann look at me!”

She did and Christian saw her big, blue eyes. She is so beautiful. I---I just can’t kill her father. I just couldn’t! How am I supposed to kill her father?

Christy-Ann gazed awkwardly at him and asked, “Why are you crying?”

Christian blushed and wiped his face. “Christy-Ann, I love you more than anything else in the world. You are the kindest person I have ever known and will always be. Please, listen to me…I will give you three days to answer me.”

“Christian,” Christy-Ann replied, “you are just, I don’t know… not my type. I mean you are the sweetest guy I know, but Christian, it is just not going to work between us…I am sorry.”

Christian shook his head and softly said, “Three days.” After he said that, he left.

“Christian, wait! Listen to me! I can’t like you! I love John!”

Christian suddenly fell to his knees and put his hands over his face. His body shook occasionally and he moaned as if in pain.

“You have to love me! Three days!” Christian sobbed.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is great bear, i like the drama and excitement in this chapter. also how you are putting the mystery together. i love it.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very suspenseful, lots of foreshadowing. The only complaint I have is the very last scene, when Christian falls to his knees and starts crying. That just doesn't work for me. Christian seems to have some multiple personality disorder going on, because one minute he wants to kill Christy-Ann, and the next he's down on his knees begging for her to love him. It's good that he had conflicting emotions, but I think you went a little overboard.

Other than that, great! This is amazing. I can't wait to read more.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is really good- i liked how you did it from Christy-Ann's point ofview-much more suspenseful.

This is really good- i can't wait to see how you finish this!
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Intense! Very Happy Very good ending! Loved it!

Quote:
This was Christian’s second time being suspended, the first time was when he got in a fight with a kid who thought that he was better than Christian, but Christian proved him wrong. The kid was in an arm brace for the next three months.


All right, I really liked this paragraph because you kind of gave us in insight into Christian’s violent past, so it does seem more realistic that his anger could get out of control so easily. Nice work!

Quote:
Krobeth was very happy that next day for an unsuspecting reason. Christian tried not to talk about why Mary was at this house, and why he abused her, and he kept quiet.


Is Christian really that naïve that he wouldn’t suspect that Krobeth was Mary’s father?? I don’t know…maybe you are making Christian out to be a dummy…maybe?? lol Wink

Quote:
Christian thought that Krobeth was taking their friendship a little to personally.


Double “oo” on “to”

Quote:
Krobeth shook his head and said, “Don’t madder now, ain’t it? He is not gonna bug ya anymore!”


Hey, since when does Krobeth have an accent?? I don’t recall him ever having one…you might want to change his dialogue earlier on so we know that sooner.

Quote:
It was truly true love.


Whoa, what a mouth full this one is! Wink Try to rewrite this so it isn’t so hard to say.

Quote:
Christy-Ann started to bawl in fright.


Earlier before, you said that she was crying in fright. Now she’s bawling?? Too repetitive. Try to switch it up a bit.

Quote:
She had left her cell phone in her room, so she had to run to the police station.


Wouldn’t she just run to a neighbor’s house and borrow their phone??

Quote:
He was glad that she didn’t know that it was he.


“him” instead of “he”

Well, other than that, I really have no complaints. Again, the flow was really good.

Nicely done! Very Happy

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