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Old Soul
Old Soul

by bent in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 22, 2007
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Beautifully Evil #9

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:31 am    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #9 Reply with quote

Chapter Nine

Christian was stupefied by the night’s events. He raced back home and threw the covers upon his head. He could never go back to Krobeth’s house after this night. Krobeth surely hated him now and Mary was probably dead.

Why didn’t you rescue her, you frikkin’ idiot? You could have saved her life!

Christian had no good excuse why he didn’t, but he thought it was just because he was a coward.

The next day at school, Christian saw Mary cradling her left arm. He ran over to her and she sharply looked up and muttered, “I don’t want to talk about it. You too, never say a word to anyone! If you do, he will find you…”

She left it at that.

Christian wanted to ask why Mary was in Krobeth’s house, and why she was crying. Had Christian really hurt her that bad, or was it just that Krobeth was hurting her? No matter, Christian had to go back and find out why to Krobeth.

Christy-Ann became preppy. Very preppy. Christian didn’t like talking to those kinds of girls, and he was just embarrassed to talk to her. Krobeth had given him one simple job to do, and he failed to do it. He was very frustrated with himself and saw that John Summers was still going out with Christy-Ann.

Suddenly, during a really boring history class, when the class was learning about dancing techniques from different countries, Christian had a brilliant idea. He would have a dance.

The news spread like rain around the school. Christian, the foolish kid who wants attention, is throwing a party. Who could of guessed?

There were rumors that he invited a preppy girl, Christy-Ann and he also invited that quiet girl, Mary, who cried almost every single day. Christian handed out little notes and put them in people’s lockers. Christian would throw the party on New Year’s Eve in a neighborhood mansion that belonged to a dead rich man and was abandoned some five years ago.

Christian was ecstatic. He couldn’t hold his tongue about the party and told everyone to bring some kind of a food that they could have.

Christy-Ann was curious about Christian’s sudden behavior to her. He had seemed so sweet, but now, he was just like trying too hard to get her, and she disapproved of his method. She wanted to know why he was giving all of this attention to her, when she had heard from her friend, Kim Garcia, that he never talked to preppy girls.

It was the last day before the New Year in school and all of the teens were bouncy and jittery to go to Christian’s party. Over the last couple of weeks, Christian had suddenly become popular, and hung out with all of the jocks. John Summers was among them, but Christian paid no attention towards him.

Mary had kept quiet about all of this. She felt no desire to come to the dance, mostly because of what Christian and witnessed. Her father’s life was now in the hands of Christian; and she never knew when he might blabber something about it. She decided that if she didn’t go to the dance, Christian wouldn’t bring her up and ruin her father.

Mary had changed. She no longer felt the burning desire towards Christian, or anyone at the moment. All she wanted was to learn that God had intended her to survive her father’s trials. She wanted to be free.

Mary sat in her room on New Year’s Eve. Her diary was torn up in her hands. Paper was scattered across the room. She had intended all of this to happen. She wanted to be free and free to go wherever she wanted to. She just knew that if she worked hard enough, who knows, maybe her wish might come true.

She sat in her room, staring at the wall. On it, in blood red paint, she had written, Mary is dead. Mary is dead.

She smiled. Yes, finally Mary is dead. She felt a burning in her chest and sighed. She would start over, and be free. She was going to run away, for good.

Christian was freaking out. He had to make sure that his parents didn’t come looking for him and find him doing something…

because he felt that maybe things might go a little out of hand that night.

Christian was standing in the midst of a couple young lovers who were making out in a dark corner. He sighed, wishing that Christy-Ann could see the truth in him…

The front door opened and a few more teens pushed themselves in, giggling and laughing. Christian turned the music up and the young lovers began to slow dance. Christian felt really jealous at that time and couldn’t wait until Christy-Ann showed up… if she did.

As always, people were fashionably late. They came in by the dozens all in their little groups. All the jocks, then the preppies, but Christy-Ann never did show up.

He went into the kitchen. It was dark in there and there were cobwebs in that room. The old mansion had been abandoned for five years and no one had set foot in it. The teens had no right to be there, but Christian didn’t mind. If Christy-Ann would love him, that was all that mattered.

She never showed up. Christian felt like he was going to burst. Mary also never came, and Christian thought that they hated him. He had thought that Mary, ever since the incident, had become closer to him, but now it seemed like they were farther apart.

Christian looked out of a window to make sure that no cops were in the neighborhood and went back out to the party. All of the lights were off and the music was playing a really sad, groaning song about a break up. Christian thought that that song hit his heart too close. He turned away and wiped a tear out of his eye.

He didn’t know many people there. They were mostly just stupid teens from his school, but they all had a blast. Christian ran into Kevin and Kevin shooed him to the empty kitchen.

“What, what is it Kevin?” Christian asked.

Kevin didn’t say anything but headed over to the refrigerator. Christian laughed and said, “Kevin, that fridge has been empty since the old geezer died! You are not going to find anything in there.”

Kevin smiled and opened the fridge. He grabbed something and pulled it out. It was beer.

Christian sighed. Kevin, Christian knew, he had become a heavy drinker. His parents drank and Kevin sneaked the beer from their fridge into his room. “No,” Christian said and turned away, “I don’t drink.”

Kevin shrugged and opened a can. He swallowed it and wiped his mouth. “You sure? It’s really good, you can feel the burn in your throat.”

Christian shook his head and walked back out to the party. The lights were now on and Christian looked around for Christy-Ann or Mary. They were not there. He shook his head and sighed. He had been let down, again. He looked back into the kitchen and saw that Kevin had finished off his first can and was opening another one.

“Oh, no, Kevin, one is enough. You don’t need seconds.” Christian walked over to him and took the can out of his hands. Kevin elbowed Christian forcefully and Christian bent over, moaning in pain. “Gimme my dri—oh, my…AACHOO!”

Kevin sneezed and Christian shook his head, disapprovingly. Christian took the pack of beers and threw them down into the basement. He heard the bottles brake and the liquid spill out.

Christian turned around and saw someone’s arm pound him in the nose. “Ah!” he muttered. He felt a hot liquid pouring out of his nose and knew it was blood. He opened his eyes just in time to see another blow the nose. Christian fell over and covered his face. Kevin was pounding his face until it bruised and was swollen!

Christian called, “Kevin, get off me!” and then he jumped up and wiped the blood off his face. Kevin’s face was bright red and he was too angry to speak.

“You don’t need to drink, especially at a party! You will only cause chaos!” Another blow to Christian’s head, but he ducked and punched Kevin’s tight stomach. The two boys fought in the kitchen and Kevin tried to grab something that he could throw at him, and he laid his right hand upon a knife.

Mary opened her front door in her house. It was dark and she looked fearfully outside. Her father was gone to get drunk again and Mary knew that this was her only chance to escape. She was carrying a basket full of bread and money. She would hitchhike to Anaheim and live with her poor, old aunt Georgia there. She had not contacted her aunt, but she knew that her aunt would take her in if she knew what her brother was treating her like.

Mary quickly stepped outside. She stopped to hear if her father was coming home and heard music. She shook her head and tried not to concentrate on Christian’s party. She was miserable that she would not let herself go to that party and she regretted it most high; but she had made up her mind that Mary was dead. A new girl had just been born.

She had promised herself that Christian would never enter her thoughts again. She hated him and always would. Christy-Ann had stolen his heart and now she would break his. Christian knew the secret of her and her father, and that put both her and her father in jeopardy. Her father would be thrown into prison again, but only to escape. Krobeth knew how to break out of jail, because that is why he goes to the bar every now and then, Mary knew, because that is where he plans how to break out.

She walked out of her house/shack and looked both ways, and ran as fast as she could. She never looked back.

“You don’t want to do this!” Christian yelled. Kevin had the knife in his hand, ready to throw it at any given time.

Kevin nodded and said, “You shouldn’t have thrown my beer away you retard! You will pay!”

“No! Kevin, look at what your drinking has made you become! You are a monster, threatening to kill your best friend! Look at me! Don’t throw that!”

Kevin roared and hurled the knife at Christian. Suddenly, everything went quiet. Christian couldn’t move. It was as if everything had frozen. They say that the moment before you die, you see your life replayed. Christian suddenly remembered all that he had done in his past life.

Krobeth was in it the most. Christian knew that if he had not accepted this job, his heart would still be full. He would not be in so much pain because of Christy-Ann. But, if Christy-Ann had not gone to his school, he would never of met Krobeth. Yes, this was all her fault! She was the one that needed to be killed, not her father. Christian remembered his parents, and how they always taught him to be polite and not to hate anyone.

“Love your enemies,” they always said to him.

Christian knew he only had time to make one rushed decision to save his life. The knife was thrown directly above his chest, into his neck. He would most certainly die. If he ducked, the knife would slam into his head. Christian’s eyes widened and jumped to the side.

The knife crashed through a window behind Christian, and all that Kevin and Christian heard was a small pang. Christian slowly looked up and heard a couple of teens start to scream. They all were yelling, “Run! Run! It is going to explode!”

Explode? What could they mean? Christian stood up and looked outside. He couldn’t see why the teens were yelling, but they wouldn’t stop yelling. Then suddenly-

Fire burst out of a container outside. Christian gasped and Kevin fell to the ground, to drunk to stay conscious. Christian backed up and saw more heart-deafening explosions. People inside of the mansion screamed and ran into the kitchen with Christian. Christian couldn’t move. The fire expanded across the dead, yellow lawn and crept up to the mansion.

Christian had just now remembered that there were bushes leading up the doorway that was in the kitchen. The bushes caught on fire and quickly came up the doorway. “Run!” Christian yelled, “Run!”

Everyone scrambled out of the kitchen and into the dance room. The lights were on and the music was still playing, but no dancing. Everyone was looking at Christian. Someone gasped and yelled, “Look out here! Fire!” Everyone looked over and saw that the teen was pointing to the front yard. The fire swallowed up the front yard and the dead trees slowly caught on fire. “We can’t get out this way! We have to go-“

BOOM! CRACK! These strange noises filled their ears. The floor rumbled and everyone looked up at the ceiling. It was as if there was an earthquake because the ground trembled. “Everyone! Get on the ground! NOW!” someone yelled. The kids flew the floor and some put their hands over their heads. Christian looked up and saw a great chandelier, swinging back and forth. The power cables connecting the chandelier to the roof was tearing! “Everyone! Move the chandelier!” Christian cried.

Everyone looked up and screamed. Some scrambled up, but others just held their positions. Christian suddenly heard a huge BOOM and yelled in fright. He grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed 911. He looked behind himself and screamed. THE FIRE WAS IN THE MANSION! Christian knew that there was no other way out. Only, “The windows! Everyone, climb out the windows!”

Christian got the reply, “Are you crazy! The fire will burn us all!”

He ran over to a window and tried to open it. It was sealed tight. He tried to break it, but he couldn’t. He heard screams behind him. The teens had seen the fire in the house. The all ran towards Christian.

Christian had just then realized that he was still calling 911 and talked into the phone, “Hello? Are you there?” No answer.

“Someone, call 911!” Christian yelled over the terrified people. They all swarmed him and they all tried to bust open the window, but with no luck. Christian pressed his face against the window, but only saw the flames that engulfed the yard.

“Everyone! Upstairs!” someone cried. They all turned around and headed for the stairs. “No!” Christian bellowed, “The fire will trap you!” Too late. Everyone ran as quick as they can and stumbled up the stairs. “Christian! Come on! The fire will kill you!”

Christian was suddenly stupefied. The chandelier dropped and crashed onto the marble flooring. “Help! Help me!” someone yelled. Some one was trapped under there!

Christian heroically ran over to the smashed glass and light bulbs and saw a girl trapped under the frame of the chandelier. She stuck out her arms and Christian grabbed them. He pulled and pulled but she couldn’t move. She was stuck, so Christian and another boy lifted up the frame as the fire crept towards them from the back and the front now. The windows that they were just now trying to break open shattered and Christian yelled as the fire swarmed in. The heat was unbelievable and Christian helped the young lady out from her trapped position. She slowly stood up and fainted.

“No! Please, not now!” cried the other young man, and he picked her up and threw her on his shoulder. He looked at Christian and they both flew up the stairs with outstanding speed.

Many teens had their cell phones on their ears and were crying on them to who ever they were talking to. Christian could hear the fire engines siren and he sighed gratefully. The fire was still blazing a floor below, and all of the kids were going as far away from the fire as possible.

Kevin, who was still really drunk, swayed and sang about how hot the fire is. People shook their heads at him and lied him down on a bed in a bedroom. He fell asleep right after that.

Christian tried looking for a fire extinguisher in the home, but couldn’t find one anywhere. The fire stayed in the below floor, eating up everything that was down there.

The firemen sprayed the area and teary-eyed parents wept with joy when the found out that all of their children were safe. Christian cried his heart out when his parents ran over to him and yelled at him. His mother cried and his father moaned with anxiety. They were all safe because of Christian. Or, at least he thought.

Two stupid kids caused the fire. When Kevin threw the knife at Christian, it had shattered the window and the knife zoomed past two teenagers who were smoking. The knife startled them and they dropped their cigarettes and the knife plunged into an unsuspecting can of gasoline. The two frightened teenagers dropped their smokes in the spilling liquid and then they ran of screaming, “Run! Run! It is going to explode!”


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Last edited by BigBadBear on Tue Oct 23, 2007 10:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow bear, this just keeps getting better and better, i never even thought the party would end the way it did, awesome job, cant wait for chapter 10
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 9:32 pm    Post subject: Thumbs Up!!! Reply with quote

This is really good!!! I can't wait till you finish this story!!!!!
You really do have great ideas!!!

One quetion.....
Is this story going to get more romantic later on????

Other than that-
KEEP WRITING!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 3:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The scene between Christian and Kevin is forced; something about it doesn't work. Maybe it would be more realistic if Christian succumbed to peer pressure instead of getting all preachy about drinking. Also, you seem to switch tenses a lot, so watch out for that.

When you say Christy-Ann turned preppy, you should give an example. Her hair? Her clothes? Her attitude? Just saying she's preppy isn't enough.

As for Mary, the writing on the wall was fantastic. However, I can't take her plan seriously. Aunt Georgia? I'm sorry, but that falls into the same category as the chocolate factory. It might be more suspenseful if she had no living relatives, no plan, and no money.

Very exciting. Good job.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, this was very unexpected--awesome! Other than a couple typos, it was really good.

But, when the bottom floor of the mansion caught on fire, describe where. Did it get to the stairs? Did the second floor start to crumble after all the support from the bottom was gone?

Also, when Kevin went to the fridge-- i don' think that if anyone had been in there for five years that there would be a working fridge, much less one at all!

Other than that, this is really good!!
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, that was CRAZY! This story is getting so good. I wish I could tell you more about it, like suggestions to make but there really isn’t any except for that moment with Mary. Help us to understand why she wants to keep her father from jail. If it was me, I would WANT him in jail, you know? So maybe help explain that to us more. Get inside her head. That sort of stuff.

Otherwise, Great work! Very Happy

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