kshsj777
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 Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:35 pm Post subject: Electric Current p.1-12 |
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*NOTE: IF THIS IS TOO LONG, JUST READ PART OF IT AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. IF YOU CAN THINK OF A BETTER TITLE FOR THIS, LET ME KNOW
FADE IN:
EXT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT - NIGHT
ALLISON MCGRAFF, fifteen years old, is dressed in dark sweatpants with her auburn hair coiled tightly underneath a woolen hat. She is creeps slowly along the chain fence towards the gate with a flashlight in her hand.
ALLISON
This is stupid. Using electricity to get some.
Still holding the flashlight in her right hand, Allison slowly extends her left hand towards the lock. A small amount of electricity fizzles out of her fingertips towards the padlock, and it slides open, allowing her to enter inside. Allison performs the same technique on the lock on the side door of the power plant and closes the door behind her.
INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT - NIGHT
Allison meanders around the heavy machinery in search of something. Finding two loose wires in a corner, she sets down the flashlight and takes the wires in her fingers.
Holding one in each hand, she presses the tips against her shoulders. Electricity immediately flows all throughout her body. But instead of recoiling in pain, Allison remains perfectly still as her body absorbs, evens devours, the electric current. After a few moments, she pulls the cords away and tucks them back in their proper place.
EXT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT -- CONTINUOUS
DR ROBINSON, in his forties, hurries along the electrical plant fence toward the gate where Allison entered, a baseball ball bat clutched in his hand.
INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT -- CONTINUOUS
As Allison emerges from the building, she sees Dr. Robinson walking toward her. She runs through the gate.
DR. ROBINSON
Hey! What are you doing here?
Dr. Robinson sprints after her.
But Allison doesn’t bother to stop. She bursts from the building and sprints away out of sight.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, ALLISON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Once home, Allison peels off her outfit covering her pajamas, and after stowing it away in the bottom drawer of her dresser, Allison tumbles into bed.
An image flashes in her mind of the flashlight she had forgotten behind.
ALLISON
Oh well. It can’t be helped.
EXT. DIRT ROAD – DAY
Allison pedals on her twelve-speed light blue bike down the dirt road to her house in the country. Her hair, neatly done in a French braid, blows around in the gentle wind.
Allison enters her house and after setting her backpack down in the hall, she gives her mother, EDNA MCGRAFF, a hug.
EDNA
Hey, honey. How was school?
ALLISON
It was okay. I'm heading over to Doc's. Bye.
Allison leaves.
INT. DR. ROBINSON’S BARN – DAY
Allison bounds inside the barn where her neighbor, Dr. Robinson, is forking some hay to the loft.
ALLISON
Afternoon, Doc. What are we doing today?
He looks up, noticing her and beams.
DR. ROBINSON
My, you sure are quite perked up this afternoon.
Something good happen at school?
ALLISON
Yeah. It’s over for the weekend.
Dr. Robinson chuckles.
DR. ROBINSON
You wanna help me with the horses?
ALLISON
You bet. Is something wrong, Doc?
DR. ROBINSON
Oh. Nothin’ a fifteen-year-old should worry much about.
ALLISON
Come on, Doc, please. I’m gonna be sixteen in a few months and then I can drive.
DR. ROBINSON
You already drive me crazy, Al. Well, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt ya none. Ya see, somebody’s been comin’ in nearly once a week and takin’ some of the electricity from the plant. What I canna figure out is how or why. I offer decent prices an’ I don’t know why anybody need more than they got.
ALLISON
Maybe they’re scared.
DR. ROBINSON
Scared? How’d you come up with that? There’s nothing to be scared of.
ALLISON
I dunno. (She shrugs her shoulders.) Maybe you should put a better lock on the gate?
DR. ROBINSON
Well locks don’t seem to be a problem for him. Now don’t worry your little about it, Al.
ALLISON
Okay. Can we do the horses now?
DR. ROBISON
Sure.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Edna is thumbing through the mail from yesterday. Most of them are bills from various companies. Then Edna reaching the last envelope.
It has Frank Steel written on the top left hand corner. Her hands trembling with a mix of excitement and dread, she opens it.
A minute later, Allison skips down the stairs passing the living room where her mother is sitting.
ALLISON
Goin’ to the Robinson’s, Mama.
EDNA
Just a second, honey. I know it’s Saturday, but… we’re having company over for dinner.
ALLISON
Company? What’s goin’ on?
EDNA
You father is coming to visit.
ALLISON
My father? But you told me he went off and abandoned us.
She nodded and sighed.
EDNA
He did.
ALLISON
Then why’s he coming back all of the sudden?
EDNA
It’s complicated, Allie. I suppose it’s ’cause you’re nearly a grown woman and he figures he outta see what’s become of you.
ALLISON
Well tell him I’m busy, then. If he didn’t have time for us before, why should I have time for him now?
EDNA
Allie! That’s no way to act. Don’t you remember what the Bible says? (Then her face softens) Look, I'm not too happy about him coming either, but he is and that's the way things are.
ALLISON
(sighing)
I know we’re supposed to be nice to everybody, but why couldn’t he stick around and take care of us like he should?
EDNA
Not everybody listens to the Bible or does what it says, Allie. I wish everybody would, but they don't. Now you can go ahead to the farm, but be back here by five, okay?
She reaches for her daughter and squeezes her tightly. After embracing for a moment, Edna releases her.
ALLISON
Okay, Mama. But don’t expect me to like him.
EDNA
You don’t have to like him. Just love him.
ALLISON
Yeah.
Allison grabs her jacket and exits out the front door.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, DINING ROOM – EVENING
Allison is sitting at the table when a car pulls up into the driveway and a middle-aged man, FRANK steps out. Edna quickly puts the last of the dishes in place, and opens the door to let him in. They stare at each other uncomfortably, but then Edna manages to greet him.
EDNA
Frank. It’s nice to see you.
FRANK
You, too, Edna.
EDNA
Come in; make yourself comfortable.
Franks hangs up his coat and hat on the rack and seats himself across from Allison. He tries his best not to make eye contact with his ex-wife, and instead focuses on his daughter.
FRANK
So this is…?
ALLISON
(annoyed)
Allison.
FRANK
Yes. Yes, Allison. And you’re… how old?
ALLISON
Fifteen.
FRANK
Ah. Well, I uh… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Allison. I should have known these things. I just…
ALLISON
It’s okay.
FRANK
No, it’s not. Look… I…
Frank gives up, and picks up his fork to dig in. Allison glances at her mother, waiting. Edna just stares at her plate, her lips forming a thin line.
EDNA
You don't pray anymore, Frank?
Frank sighed, looks at Allison and puts down his fork.
FRANK
All right, then.
They bow their heads and fold their hands.
EDNA
(praying)
Dear Lord, thank you for this food You’ve provided us. In the Name of Jesus, Amen.
ALLISON & FRANK
Amen.
They begin eating roasted chicken, potatoes with gravy, and corn.
FRANK
(to Edna)
I came here for a specific reason. I’d like to take Allison with me, just for the summer.
ALLISON
Why?
Frank reaches over and touches her hand, allowing electricity to pass through. He notices that she doesn’t react like she’s been shocked.
FRANK
I’m sorry, Allison, that I wasn’t there for you as a father. I got so caught up in my work that before I knew it, years had passed.
ALLISON (V.O.)
Was that me… or him?
They eat in silence for a few moments.
EDNA
I made up the spare bedroom for you, Frank.
FRANK
Thank you. I... I appreciate it.
ALLISON
Wait a minute? Who said anything about staying the night?
EDNA
He asked me, too. In his letter.
ALLISON
Why? I don't want him, here.
EDNA
Allie.
ALLISON
You don't want him here either, but you're too goody-goody to say anything.
EDNA
Allison! Go to your room!
ALLISON
Fine! I will. (She turns to her father) And I hope you're gone in the morning.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, HALLWAY – NIGHT
Allison gets up and comes out of her bedroom into the hallway.
FRANK
Does your mother know?
Allison spins around to find her father leaning against the wall, still dressed in his business suit
ALLISON
What do you mean?
FRANK
You know what I mean.
A beam of electricity passes from Frank’s right hand to his left. Allison sighs and nods.
ALLISON
Sort of. She knows I don’t get hurt if I get shocked, but she has no idea I need to absorb electricity.
FRANK
Then how have you survived all this time, if she doesn’t know?
ALLISON
There’s a power plant here.
FRANK
And you go there.
ALLISON
Yeah. At night, alone. I went Thursday night, so I’m fine.
FRANK
You don’t need to go everyday?
ALLISON
No. I only go once a week.
FRANK
Can you show me? The power plant?
ALLISON
You need it? (Frank nods.) Okay, I’ll be right back.
Allison returns a few moments later in her outfit.
ALLISON
We have to be careful. We can’t let Dr. Robinson catch us. He owns the plant and he’s our next door neighbor.
FRANK
Lead the way.
They sneak into the power plant.
INT. ELECTRICAL POWER PLANT – NIGHT
Allison shows her father the wires, and he proceeds to take some electricity. While it is flowing into his body, they start talking while Allison keeps her eye on the gauge.
FRANK
So will you come with me for the summer?
ALLISON
You got enough electricity for both of us?
FRANK
Plenty. So you are addicted, aren’t you?
ALLISON
Addicted? What are you talking about?
FRANK
I mean our relentless craving; the fact that we’ll die if we don’t absorb some. That would qualify as an addiction, wouldn’t it?
ALLISON
Are there others like us?
FRANK
No. Not that I know of… I’ve got a mansion; nobody would notice a few extra volts.
ALLISON
I don’t know. What about Mama? She’d miss me.
FRANK
It’s just for the summer. Come on, Allison. I know your secret; I share it.
Allison bends down to retrieve the flashlight she had left behind, and holds it in her hand.
ALLISON
Well what’s so important that you show up now? I’m not exactly buying the whole I-want-to-be-a-good-father-now routine.
FRANK
But it’s true. I do. I know its sounds lousy, but it’s true.
ALLISON
It’ll take a lot more than talk to convince me. Now haven’t you taken enough? You’re making me nervous.
FRANK
You don’t need this much electricity?
ALLISON
No.
FRANK
How’s your retention and output?
ALLISON
What?
FRANK
I mean… (He removes the wires and puts them away.) How long can you hold the electricity in your body, how much can you hold, and how much can you ‘shoot’ out?
ALLISON
Oh. Well show me what you can do first.
Frank scans the room for a moment with his own flashlight they had bought on this trip. He sets it down carefully on the ground, still lit.
FRANK
Watch this.
He stretches out his hand and a large bolt of electricity shoots out into a piece of metal, briefly illumining a large area of the room before it’s absorbed.
ALLISON
(slightly impressed)
Cool.
FRANK
Now your turn.
Allison also extends her arm, and attempts to repeat what her father did seconds earlier. This time, less electricity comes from her fingertips and it doesn’t light the room up as much.
FRANK
Not bad. But I’m guessing that’s ’cause you only got half my DNA anyways.
ALLISON
But I need a lot less than you do.
FRANK
True.
ALLISON
We better get back. I don’t want Dr. Robinson to catch us. Next time, don’t take so much… unless you have to… I wouldn’t want’cha to die, but…
FRANK
Let’s go.
They leave the power plant and sneak back into the McGraffs’ house without incident.
INT. MCGRAFF’S KITCHEN – DAY
Edna is washing dishes after breakfast while Allison comes into the house after morning chores at the Robinson’s farm.
ALLISON
I want to go with him, Mom.
EDNA
What?
ALLISON
I want to go with Dad for the summer.
EDNA
Now wait a minute. Last night you couldn’t stand the thought of him, and now you want to go live with for three months? What’s going on?
ALLISON
I just… I need to give him a chance. He is my dad, you know.
EDNA
All right. Be sure to tell Dr. Robinson.
ALLISON
I already did.
EDNA
Is there something you’re not telling me?
ALLISON
I dunno. Maybe. I don’t wanna scare you, that’s all.
EDNA
Scare me? All right, spit it out, young lady.
ALLISON
You know that I can’t get hurt by electricity, right? Well… there’s more. My body absorbs it, needs it, to live.
EDNA
Are you telling me that if you don’t shock yourself, you’ll die? (Realization comes over her face.) You’re the one. The one who’s been taking Dr. Robinson’s electricity.
At this, Allison squirms uncomfortably.
ALLISON
Yeah. But I needed it, Mom.
EDNA
That doesn’t mean you can be a thief!
ALLISON
Why do you think I work on Doc’s farm all the time? It’s my way of paying him back. Every hour I work for him, I pay off the amount that would be spent using the electricity.
EDNA
That doesn’t mean you can go around stealing!
ALLISON
What would have me do? Tell him that I can shoot bolts of electricity from my fingers and that I must absorb it or die?
EDNA
Shoot bolts of electricity?!
Allison proceeds to zap the metal pot on the stove, causing Edna to jump back a step.
EDNA
Allison… How…?
ALLISON
It’s Dad. He can do it, too, only much more than I can. We have a connection. And besides, if I go, I won’t be taking any of Doc’s electricity, ‘cause I’ll be using Dad’s.
EDNA
Well… I don’t know what to say about all this. I…
ALLISON
Can I go with Dad?
EDNA
If you want.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, ALLISON’S BEDROOM – DAY
Allison is packing her clothes inside the suitcase, when her father knocks on her door.
FRANK
You ready, Allison?
ALLISON
Just a minute.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, HALLWAY – DAY
Allison opens the door with her suitcase in hand.
INT. MCGRAFFS’ HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Edna sits in one of the dining room chairs, staring out the large window in front of the house. Frank and Allison come bounding down the stairs.
ALLISON
We’re ready, Mom.
Allison sets down her suitcase, and Edna holds her arms out to her daughter, and they hug.
ALLISON
Love you, Mom.
EDNA
Love you, too, honey.
They pull back and Edna looks back and forth between the two of them.
EDNA
You be careful. Both of you.
As Frank and Allison head towards the front door, the doorbell rings. She opens the door to find Dr. Robinson on the other side.
EXT. MCGRAFF’S HOUSE – DAY
ALLISON
Doc!
DR. ROBINSON
Allie! I came to say goodbye.
ALLISON
This is my dad, Frank. Dad, this is Dr. Robinson.
The two men shake hands.
FRANK
Nice to meet you.
DR. ROBINSON
You, too. (to Allison) Well, Allie, I’m gonna miss you. You’ve sure been a good help to me.
Allison hugs the doctor very tightly.
ALLISON
(whispering)
I’m sorry.
DR. ROBINSON
Oh! You don’t have nothing to be sorry about, Allie! Nothing wrong with visiting your pa.
ALLISON
That’s not what I meant.
She lets go of him, and retrieves her suitcase. The doctor nods once towards Frank in acknowledgement, walks back over to his property. Frank and Allison pile into Frank’s car, and head out of town. |
Last edited by kshsj777 on Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:31 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 3:39 am Post subject: |
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This is a very interesting beginning. At first I was confused--I didn't know what you meant when you talked about her body taking in the electricity, and then I was like...oh...just like that...well that's different.
Your main problem is making the dialogue realistic. There are a few instances when important things happen but the characters don't react as I thought they would:
| Quote: |
EDNA
You father is coming to visit.
ALLISON
My father? But you told me he went off and abandoned us.
EDNA
He did. |
Allison's response is very matter-of-fact. It's almost like her mother said, "We're having potato salad with dinner," not "Your father, who abandoned us when you were little, is randomly coming to dinner tonight, and I found this out from a letter, incidentally."
| Quote: |
FRANK
Plenty. So you are addicted, aren’t you?
ALLISON
Addicted? What are you talking about?
FRANK
I mean our relentless craving; the fact that we’ll die if we don’t absorb some. That would qualify as an addiction, wouldn’t it? |
This really threw me off, especially Allison's line in the above excerpt. It would be better if she just said, "Addicted?" or better yet, "Huh?"
Frank's last line in the excerpt is strange too...I actually think you could cut it out entirely. It's not really necessary to the piece; I think we understand that they need it to live, after all.
| Quote: |
ALLISON
You know that I can’t get hurt by electricity, right? Well… there’s more. My body absorbs it, needs it, to live.
EDNA
Are you telling me that if you don’t shock yourself, you’ll die? (Realization comes over her face.) You’re the one. The one who’s been taking Dr. Robinson’s electricity. |
Again, it's a little too matter-of-fact to be believable. This is a big thing for Allison to be telling her mother. It's like a superpower; a pretty big thing to reveal, no? And her mom's just like, "Oh, so you're the one stealing from the power plant?" Spice it up a little. Put in a really good reaction. Or just take it out entirely; maybe Allison doesn't have to explain it to her mom. Would make the story juicier, wouldn't it?
Other than that, you did a decent job on the dialogue. I think you did a good job of setting the characters apart just by the way they speak. That's very important.
I think there are a lot of things you could take out in here. Remember that your viewer (this is a screenplay, huh?) has a very short attention span. If it isn't completely necessary, don't put it in. Also have more things shown by actions; they do speak louder than words!
Also, proofread. I noticed a few instances where names were misspelled or words were missing, etc. Or have a friend look it over on paper for you; other people can usually get mistakes you won't find in your own writing if they're looking over a paper with a red pen in hand.
Keep at it!
-Colleen |
_________________
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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