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chapter 3: Escape by Night
chapter 3: Escape by Night

by Undercover_Ninja in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 21, 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 2:59 am    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #8 Reply with quote

Chapter Eight

Christian knocked, and when Krobeth had opened the door, Christian came crawling through and swiftly sat in the red, velvet chair.

“What are you doing here? You are not suppose to be here now!” Krobeth whispered.

“Why?” Christian replied, out of breath. He had ran directly from his house to here without stopping. Christian guessed that it was at least midnight, if not, later.

Krobeth looked around his dark, quiet home and went over to one of the two bedroom doors. He opened it and quickly shut it.

Christian looked quizzically at him. “What was that about?”

“Nothing, oh nothing. Just keep it down, no more questions about that.” Krobeth replied.

“So, why are you here?” Krobeth said.

“I made a total fool of myself. Christy-Ann hates me now, and I embarrassed myself and her. Ugh! And she is still going out with John Summers! I hate that kid!” Christian ran out of breath and gasped. He was not quite custom to running into the depths of the city at midnight.

“You idiot! You knew better than that! Now tell me boy, what—wait… who is John Summers?” Krobeth questioned.

“He is this idiot that is going out with Christy-Ann. Why?”

“No reason, no reason. Tell me boy, what is he like?”

“A jock and complete idiot. I am telling you, I HATE him!”

“ Quiet down! I don’t care about your personal life! Just tell me about him! Where does he live? What does he eat? I need to know the details!”

“Why?” Christian raised his eyebrow. “What are you going to do to him?”

“…Eliminate him.”

Christian followed John home the next day. Krobeth said that he was going to do something to him, but Christian didn’t know what. Krobeth would never kill anyone, would he? Kidnapping? John would fight the old man and win. What would he do?

John lived just a few blocks away from where Christian lived. John’s fancy red Viper was parked in the driveway. Christian spied on him while he walked into his house. John shut the door and Christian heard nothing more.

Christian copied down John’s address and returned back to Krobeth. When he got there, no one was home. Christian pushed open the door and walked into Krobeth’s living room. It was dark, and there was an eerie silence.

Christian sat down on the red velvet chair like he always did and waited. Krobeth said that he would meet Christian here. Where was he?

Christian got bored and stood up. He looked around the room and headed to the kitchen. From the kitchen you could go into the area with a stove and a little table and then there was another little passage that led outside. Christian walked briskly over to the back door.

The yard outside was full of cans, and when Christian looked closer, he saw that they were beer cans. He sighed and turned back.

He went back into the living room and started to hum because this eerie silence was starting to creep him out.

He had never been back to those doors that Krobeth had checked last time Christian was over, so naturally, Christian went over to them. He pushed open one and saw a bed with messy sheets and carpet. On the carpet were beer cans and clothes. It was Krobeth’s room.

Christian looked behind him to make sure that Krobeth wasn’t home yet and shut the door.

He went over to the next door and opened it. He gasped.

It had feminine features in it and pink bed sheets. But Krobeth told me that he had no sons or daughters. He is a liar! Who else would this room belong to?

Christian entered it, but before he did, he heard a noise. Feet shuffled into Krobeth’s little front yard. Christian couldn’t move. Krobeth would find him and yell at him and never invite him to his home again! Christian couldn’t be seen!

He ducked into the girl’s room and looked for a place to hide. The bed was large enough to hide under, so he quickly squirmed into the small space and pulled the blankets over the part where he climbed in, so he could not be seen.

He held his breath as Krobeth entered his home. He heard something drop into the red, velvet chair and Krobeth started to walk towards the room Christian was in. Christian tried to stay as quiet as he could. What have I done, oh, what have I done?

Christian would surely be caught and all hope of that half a million bucks went out the window.

A door shut and Christian heard Krobeth come into the room he was in. No! Don’t come in here!

Christian didn’t move. If he did, he would be caught.

Suddenly, out of all Christian’s surprises, he heard a muffled sniff and someone started to cry. No, it can’t be…is there a woman in here?

Indeed, Christian heard the cries of a female. Christian shuffled to try and get a look at who was crying, and wiggled over to an opening. He tried to peek up, but just then, a hand suddenly swooped down under the bed and grabbed something, right beside Christian. Christian silently gasped, overwhelmed that he hadn’t been caught.

Christian felt a burning in his lungs. He needed to breath. Slowly, he took a silent breath and held it in.

The girl was still crying and he heard something scratching something like paper. The girl was writing!

Suddenly, there was a big commotion and the girl screamed. She fell to the floor and Christian gasped. The girl hid under the bed and Christian felt like screaming. He slid under to the wall and tried to look at the girl who was under there with him, but there was a door slamming, and big, stomping feet came pounding over to the room that Christian and the girl were in.

The bedroom’s door flung open and Christian knew that it was Krobeth because he recognized his torn up shoes. Krobeth made a terrifying scream and the girl next to him screamed even louder.

Suddenly, Christian’s heart stopped. He knew that scream. He had heard it a while back. He couldn’t believe it. HE WAS LYING NEXT TO MARY!

Christian’s heart again missed a beat when the bed that he and Mary were hiding under was thrown aside, revealing Mary and Christian.

Mary looked over at Christian and gasped. It seemed as if everything that were taking place could have killed someone because it was so surprising. Krobeth looked at both of them as if they weren’t there and jumped up into the air, grabbing Christian and throwing him to the ground in the process. Mary yelled as Krobeth pounced on her and Christian jumped up. Krobeth looked at him as if he were drunk. Krobeth grabbed Christian’s leg and Christian fell to the ground. He squirmed and tried to get out of his grip, and when Christian looked back, Krobeth was staring at him.

“WhatareyoudoinghereChristian?” all came out as slurred speech. Christian was scared out of his right mind and ran towards the door, but Mary yelled, “Christian, help!”

He looked back but never rescued the abused Mary. There were tears in her eyes and pain in her face. Christian shook his head and left the house.


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ELven-Maiden   View This User's Portfolio
Mars. is. Fricken. Awesome. Hands down. GO MARS!!
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, that sucks.

I've read all the other chapters and will crit them, I promise.

Man, I used to like Christian. Why do all the cute guys turn bad? XD

I like how you evoke emotion. The characters seem real, and so does the setting. A lot of writers seem to ignore the fact that their character has a fifth sense called smell, but you use it, and it makes your writing all the more real. Just thought you'd like to know that.

However, this is moving really, really fast. I would have time to cry with Mary if you slowed it down a little, or be embarrased with Christian (Actually, you've done very well with that XD it's great.)

One suggestion, though: When something is shocking to a character, write in italics. Try to reserve Caps for shouting, and if you keep shouting in your work, you'll end up with a sore throat. XD

So yeah. Great job! Let me know when the next chapter is posted. I'll try and keep up XD

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this just keeps getting better and better, it is definately a mystery thiriller. cant wait to see what happens in the next chapter.
kim
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 24, 2007 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What can I say? Good, good, good. Only the part about Krobeth finding Christian and Mary under the bed was WAYYY wordy. Try to cut out unecessary words and add description.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 1:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really good. It is very realistic, and i can't possibly guess what is coming next. Keep up te good work!
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What a jerk! Leaving poor Mary there alone. I really don’t like Christian. I mean, that started awhile back but I really REALLY don’t like him now.

But anyway…

Your writing is really improving. I mean, again, this chapter held no mistakes and the flow was perfect. Never was there a choppy sentence.

Again, I apologize for the shortness of this but I really have nothing more to say but to

Keep Writing! Very Happy

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This thread was created on October 21, 2007

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