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Let me forget you.
Let me forget you.

by kris in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 21, 2007
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FlyingDream   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:09 pm    Post subject: Trinity Reply with quote

Note: Same as the other chapters. Smile

Okay, again, the dialogue is kinda messed up (period, commas, etc.) So please help me out with the dialogue! Smile But I still think this is an okay chapter. It IS short, most of my chapters will be short becuase I plan to add on to them later. Chapter 3 willl be longer though. So once I get a few comments on this, I'll go ahead and post Chapter 3.

Chapter 2: Sage

Crap, crap, crap! I kicked a rock and sent it sailing. Being about a million miles away from civilization ticked me off without a doubt. My motorcycle had stalled and the engine was shot up pretty bad. Yep, I had been shot at about twenty times. Luckily, my motorcycle took most of the damage. I had managed to escape with little injuries. I felt a new rush of hatred for the person who invented guns and plopped down on the ground, asking God what I had done to deserve this. My life is messed up. I thought to myself.

I heard quiet footsteps approaching and I looked up. The sun was shining in my eyes, so I couldn't see the person standing over me. The person shifted and I saw a flash of purple hair. Wynn. I smiled.

"Long time no see." I said. Wynn grinned back and offered me a hand. I grabbed it and he pulled me to my feet.

"Man, what happened to your bike?" Wynn asked, staring at the holes in my engine.

"I took about twenty shots through the engine." Wynn grimaced.

"I'm guessing it wasn't girls chasing you this time." He said. I shook my head.

"Nope." I took another look at the bike and felt like crying. Wynn patted me on the back.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride back to town." He said. We walked a ways and Wynn stepped behind a large overgrown bush, he pulled out his motorcycle.

"Very nicely hidden." I said, laughing. Wynn shrugged his shoulders.

"Can't be too careful." He said.

"So, are you making your rounds again?" I asked while pulling on a helmet.

"Yep, so far I've been able to contact Tanslie, Jaye, and you. Merinna's missing in action and Salem is hiding out somewhere where I can't find him." Wynn sighed, "You'll be able to contact the rest right?"

"You bet," I said," We've all been worried about you, Jaye was almost having a fit." Wynn grinned. We climbed onto the bike and Wynn started the engine, soon we were going at a terrific speed, the wilderness around me was a blur. I took a deep breath, trying to relax.

"Should I ask who shot at your bike, or am I better off not knowing?" Wynn shouted over the noise.

"'Depends." I yelled.

"Tell me."

"Okay, well you know how the Overlord's got his little inner circle right?" I tried to sound care free, but Wynn tensed up anyway.

"Well, they were after me. Sounds like they got tipped off that I was here or something." Wynn shook his head. The Overlord's inner circle was about as dangerous as the Overlord was himself. They were gun - carriers and sword wielders as well. It took someone a lot of skill to do both at the same time. That's what made these people special. Wynn had experience with them first hand, right after they killed his little sister; he made it his duty to hunt them down. Unfortunately, they seemed to be everywhere he wasn't.

"If they capture you, they'll know who the rest of us are." Wynn stated. That bugged me.

"Hey," I said," how do you know that I'd tell them?"

"They have their ways to get information out of someone." Wynn replied flatly. That bugged me too. Finally, Wynn stopped the bike just outside a small town. Wynn and I got off the bike and Wynn looked at my head and grimaced.

"Geeze, what did you do?" Wynn touched the top of my head and I cried out in pain.

"Ouch! What did you do that for?" I yelled. Wynn showed me his fingers, which were covered in blood.

"Oops," he said. I punched him on the arm.

"Idiot," I said laughing. Wynn laughed too. Wynn looked through his pockets and pulled out a white strip of fabric.

"I always carry these around, just in case." He said. He carefully wrapped the cloth around my head. The pain subsided a little.

"Don't take that off." Wynn commanded.

"Thanks." I replied. Wynn grinned.

"Hate to leave you so soon pal, but I gotta run. Take care of your head." he said.

"I always take care of myself!" I cried.

"I know, I know," Wynn gave me a mock salute, mounted his bike, and roared away. I sighed and turned on my heel. It's been a long day, I thought. My short, dark brown hair was plastered to my forehead and my green eyes were watering from pain.

"Ooooooh, that's gotta hurt. Too bad we didn't make that hole a little bigger huh? Then you'd probably be dead." I turned on the spot and saw a gun aiming right between my eyes.

"What the-"

"Shut up, we want to get this over with." A woman with short black hair held the gun closer to my head.

"Hey sweetie pie," she crooned," this will only take a minute." Click. Looks like they found me again.

~*~


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~ Indian Proverb


Last edited by FlyingDream on Sun Oct 21, 2007 11:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 9:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not sure it makes sense for Wynn to leave him when he's bleeding so badly.

Some things I noticed with dialogue:

"Hey," I said," how do you know that I'd tell them?"

should be

"Hey," I said, "how do you know that I'd tell them?"

and

"You're a great friend." I replied.

should be

"You're a great friend," I replied.

and in the following paragraph,

"Yep, so far I've been able to contact Tanslie, Jaye, and you. Merinna's missing in action and Salem is hiding out somewhere where I can't find him." Wynn sighed, "You'll be able to contact the rest right?"

I think the comma after Wynn sighed should be a period instead.

And the last two sentences should probably be one paragraph since the same person is talking.


I didn't notice anything else.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
My life is messed up, I thought to myself.

It should be in italics, and a coma at the end of the thought.

Quote:
The sun was shining in my eyes, so I couldn't see the person standing over me.

This is okay, but I think you can make this sentence better. At the moment it sounds too.. simple? It's quite a contrast to the rest of your piece.

Again, the dialogues(hope you get the hang of it Very Happy). Hmm.. okay, you see, in dialogues, you usually have tags like "I said" and "Wynn sighed" for example. If you have the dialogue before that, put a coma at the end of it. If the dialogue's after that tag, put a period at the dialogue instead and a coma after the tag. (I hope you're not confused)

Tag after dialogue = put a coma at the end of dialogue
"Long time no see," I said.

"I took about twenty shots through the engine," Wynn grimaced.

"I'm guessing it wasn't girls chasing you this time," he said.

"Nope," I took another look at the bike and felt like crying.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride back to town," he said.

"Very nicely hidden," I said, laughing.

"Can't be too careful," he said.

"Yep, so far I've been able to contact Tanslie, Jaye, and you. Merinna's missing in action and Salem is hiding out somewhere where I can't find him," Wynn sighed. "You'll be able to contact the rest right?"

"You bet," I said. "We've all been worried about you, Jaye was almost having a fit." Wynn grinned.
[note: The tags "Wynn signed" and "I said" above are for the first dialogues of the paragraphs, not the second.]

"Depends," I yelled.

"Well, they were after me. Sounds like they got tipped off that I was here or something," Wynn shook his head.

"If they capture you, they'll know who the rest of us are," Wynn stated.

"They have their ways to get information out of someone," Wynn replied flatly.

"Oops," he said. I punched him on the arm.

"Idiot," I said laughing.

"I always carry these around, just in case," he said.

"Don't take that off," Wynn commanded.

"Thanks," I replied.

"Hate to leave you so soon pal, but I gotta run. Take care of your head," he said.

"I know, I know," Wynn gave me a mock salute, mounted his bike, and roared away.

"Ooooooh, that's gotta hurt. Too bad we didn't make that hole a little bigger huh? Then you'd probably be dead," I turned on the spot and saw a gun aiming right between my eyes.

"Shut up, we want to get this over with," a woman with short black hair held the gun closer to my head.

Tag before dialogue = put a period at the end of dialogue
You have no dialogues like this so let me just make one up.
I sighed, "Perhaps you shouldn't have done that."

In the cases below, it's a coma after the tag still because the dialogue is a sentence by itself.
Quote:
"Hey," I said, "how do you know that I'd tell them?"

Quote:
"Hey sweetie pie," she crooned, "this will only take a minute."

It's because the dialogue is one sentence. e.g. "Hey, how do you know that I'd tell them?" and "Hey sweetie pie, this will only take a minute." So, you don't put a period in the tag. When you do dialogues look at the dialogues as sentences and pretend the tags aren't there. IF you put a period, just imagine how your dialogues would be like:

"Hey," I said. "How do you know that I'd tell them?" = Hey. How do you know I'd tell them?

"Hey sweetie pie," she crooned. "This will only take a minute." = Hey sweetie pie. This will only take a minute.

So, basically, it's up to you to put comas or periods in the two dialogues up there since either way it seems correct.

Kinda confusing, huh? I hope I've gotten it clear...

I'll critique about the story itself later. And I might do chapter 3 as well. I'm not too free at the moment Very Happy. Hope I've been helpful and.. not confusing!

Fye.

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This thread was created on October 21, 2007

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