Topic ID: 21197
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sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
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 Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 1:39 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 23 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:56 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
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| Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! I enjoyed this chapter, nice and calm after all the action of the last and a good chance to get to like the characters better and to find out a little more information. Good description and some lovely dialogue. Here's a few suggestions -
His attention was taken away from the sunset when he felt a small, cold hand creeping along his ankle. He looked down and saw cloudy, dark smoke creeping up towards him. [Try not to repeat creeping. Perhaps slithering to replace the first?]
“We’ve gotten Annie and Cat safely out now.” [Mariamne doesn't seem the type to use 'gotten' so perhaps 'Annie and Cat have been rescued safely' would be better?]
“Who are they?” asked Raztik confusedly. [I don't know why but I have a strong aversion to 'confusedly' so maybe 'in confusion' or something?]
The day after tomorrow, the Nameless army is staging a surprise attack on this castle and it’s its occupants.
“Yes..I…yes, I think so,” said Raztik confusedly. [Again, it's up to you but it's a bit of a strange word.]
Before Raztik could respond, she has had slid down the wall and was gone in the dim grass below. [Maybe a slight change to the end - '...slid down the wall and fused with the grass below.']
"Yes, I'm afraid so, Cat. I have no idea why the Unknown [Don't you mean unnamed?] King wants you and your sister.
"We've We're quick learners, luckily, so we've been able to pick up a lot of things as we go along."
"I know why the Unknown [Again, should be unnamed.] Army wants Cat and I," Annie said.
The shadows of the flames played across Cat's delicate features, a stray shadow casting her white skin into darkness and allowing her unusually bright blue eyes to shine out of the hollow of her face.
Seden shivered and pulled [I'm not sure about pulled. Perhaps shifted or something?] closer to the fire, pretending it was only a chill.
Overall, I think it's advancing really well and I can't wait for the next chapter, good work! |
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Fan
Tea please......
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| Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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| King Raztik sat on the top tower of his castle, watching the sun sink down into the horizon. It was growing colder now, and the leaves were beginning to turn various shades of gold and red. The setting sun caught on the large blanket of leaves over the trees of the forest and turned it to a large, fiery scene that caught Raztik’s heart in his chest. |
Wow. I'm a sucker for good beginnings and I found this amazing. The imagery was beautiful.
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| His attention was taken away from the sunset when he felt a small, cold hand creeping along his ankle. |
Hand sounds like the wrong word to use. A cold sensation maybe? Your call.
Oh, lovely chapter. The pace was right, descriptions good, and although I haven't looked at the chapters before this, I could get a good hint of Car and Annie's characters. Just wondering where the Shyzel went, have been at school so it's hard to follow stories. (stupid school  ) |
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greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
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| Posted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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Boy, it took you a while to get this one out  . That's no problem though, gave me some time to rest  . I really don't have anything to say about this section. No suggestions or anything. Good job.
-GJ |
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