Riedawriter23
La femme avec les yeux.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jan 2007
Posts: 722
Reviews: 516
Country: That of my own accord.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 6:25 am Post subject: Re: Lissie Darcesty, #1 - Saving Tiddles |
 |
|
| Esmé wrote: |
The Basement was a large, large cavern, just waiting to swallow him in its murky depths. It was here that horrible monsters lurked behind every shadow, and witches cast their spells in the gloom, and giants hid underneath brooms, and other scary, beastly things that just ached to eat small children, preferably little six year old boys, skulked. Lissie said so, and Lissie was never wrong.
**The first sentence isn't very capturing. I think it would work better if you used a more descriptive word to tell how big it is instead of using large twice. "It was here that horrible monsters lurked..." That sounds better if you take off the It was part and changed the "that" to "the": Here the horrible monsters lurked...". "It was here that horrible monsters lurked behind every shadow, and witches cast their spells in the gloom, and giants hid underneath brooms, and other scary, beastly things that just ached to eat small children, preferably little six year old boys, skulked." This is a run-on and it goes on so much that it doesn't make much sense after a while. It just needs to be broken down a bit, and with more descritive words.
Michael took a deep, deep breath, so deep that it hurt, and stared at the doors before him. They were enormous doors, bigger than any other in the house, and the doorknob was high, high up, so high up that he could not reach it, even when he stood on his tip-toes. Michael stared and stared at it, but the doorknob wasn’t getting any lower.
**You only need to use deep once here. Repeating the word doesn't really prove the emphasis. Also, the same for "high" when describing the door knob....and stared lol. You could say instead that he stared at it longingly?
Cassie could make it go lower, Michael knew she could. Cassie also said that Lissie lied when Lissie talked about all those monsters, but Michael didn’t believe her. Lissie never lied to him, and Cassie sometimes did. Cassie said that she would never, ever leave him, and where was she now? Cassie could make the doors open, if she wanted, but she wasn’t here, and so she couldn’t.
**I like how this paragraph takes on a childish tone. It almost makes it spooky.
Michael stared apprehensively at the doorknob. Everything could happen, now. Those were the doors that lead to the Basement, and in the Basement were monsters, and witches and giants, and - Lissie said so, and she said that there were other things, too, things that liked to eat little, six year old boys…
**Everything could happen? That doesn't tell us much. Maybe "Anything could happen now." ? Also, if you're going to capitalize basement then it would have more affect to capitalize the too, ie: "The Basement". Again, love the child voice in this.
Michael was not afraid, not at all. The Basement doors were locked, and he knew that as long as they were locked – Lissie had repeated and repeated that – nothing would escape them. She said that when he came to her at night, because he was scared that they would come, the monsters and witches, and giants, and snatch him away from his bed. No, Michael was not afraid, not yet. The problem was, he needed the doors to open.
**Would or could escape them? The child voice is still here but you have to make sure also that you remember that this is in third person and that Michael isn't telling the story. Try to use his voice but with your style. "She said that when he came to her at night, because he was scared that they would come, the monsters and witches, and giants, and snatch him away from his bed." This seems like it's been repeated a lot. I'd delete this. The paragraph sounds better without it.
Oh, but if he opened them, if he opened the doors, then everything would be free, and they, the monsters, witches and giants, and everything else, would come and kidnap him, take him away, and make soup of him, because they really, really liked little six year old boys. They would carry him away, and-
But Tiddles was there. Tiddles, who needed to be rescued.
**I liked this, but this scene seems really long. He's thinking about this door the entire time.
Michael tried, once again, to turn the knob; again and again he jumped, and again and again he missed by far. The knob was high, so very high up, and it wasn’t getting any lower. Michael was a sensible little boy, and he knew that he would not do anything on his own. He was too little. He needed someone who was big, bigger and higher than the knob; he needed a grown-up. Grown-ups could do everything.
**The last part is good but it still seems like you're repeating things and there's not enough variety.
Michael, without farther ado, shuffled along to his sister’s bedroom. His superman slippers clacked against the cold tiled floor, and his chin wobbled only the slightest bit as he scuffled through the corridor. Then, finally, after years and years of walking, he reached his destination.
**"Years and years of walking." this is what I'm talking about when I say to remember that you're the narrator, not Michael.
“Lissie,” he said to the girl sitting behind a large, large desk. She didn’t look up, writing something feverishly, and Michael jabbed her with a finger. He had knocked on the door before entering his sister’s bedroom, because he knew that she would be cross with him should he do so without knocking. It was Cassie’s room too, but Cassie explained that she didn’t need it any more. And so Michael waited, he really did – or tried to – for Lissie, not Cassie, to let him in. But she didn’t, so he went inside. Michael jabbed her again in the shoulder. “Lissie, I left Tiddles-”
**XD "large, large". hehe, I like the jabbing.
“Mom!” Lissie yelled right into his ear. Lissie liked to yell, Michael knew, and so he let her yell, even though was screaming right into his ear. And Lissie yelled very loudly. “Michael’s bugging me again!”
“… left Tiddles in the Basement.”
**I liked this part. It reminds me of my sisters and I. 
An incomprehensible mumbling came from downstairs, and Michael couldn’t make out anything of what Mommy said. But Lissie must have, though, as her brows snapped together, a harboring of a pout on her lower lip. Silence fell, and it became so quiet that it hurt Michael’s ears, and his legs hurt, too, because he was standing so long, and his chin began to wobble, and he wanted to cry, because Lissie did not want to help him, and because his legs hurt and he didn’t like the silence, and because Lissie wasn’t doing anything. And his legs hurt, too, and the silence was as horrible as the monsters. But he tried very, very hard not to cry; he knew that Lissie did not like it when he cried.
**This...confused me. Did you mean to repeat what you'd said? "But Lissie must have, though, as her brows napped together, a harboring of pout on her lower lip." This reads a bit awkward "Lissie must have known what was said because her brows snapped together and a harboring of pout formed her lower lip." *shrugs* A little better. Also, the emphasis on the silence and the pain in his legs didn't have any major affect. It's quiet and his legs hurt, but it seems like he's overreacting too much, you know?
“I’m doing my homework,” Lissie declared finally, looking imperatively down her nose at him. “You’re too little to understand; I don’t have any time for you.”
Michael sat down on the pink carpet, because his legs really did hurt, and looked at her tearfully. Cassie would have helped him, he knew, but Cassie was nowhere to be seen.
Lissie sighed, irritated. “You’re a pest, you know that?” Michael was a smart little boy, and kept his mouth shut, even though he really did want to say: ‘Am not’. He also did not let his sister see the wide form ear to ear smile that expanded on his face when she said, “What do you want, then?”
** "He also didn't let her see the ear to ear smile that expanded on his face...." reads clearer.
Michael took Lissie’s hand and dragged her to the Basement, and pointed to the doors. And then everything went wrong.
**Make that last sentence more dramatic so it seems important. "Just then, everything went completely wrong." er...something like that.
“Don’t you think that they’re pretty?” Michael asked Lissie hopefully. The pictures were pretty, really. A bit angular, and made up of mostly of lines and circle, and a square or two – and on the white walls, yes – but the pretty they were. And colorful! There was red, purple, and green and yellow and orange, and blue and pink. Cassie drew them for him.
**...why are they talking about pictures all of the sudden? I didn't even know that there were pictures there and he'd spent the entire beginning just looking at the door. Also, "A bit angular, and made up of mostly of lines and circle, and a square or two – and on the white walls, yes – but the pretty they were." I didn't get what you were trying to say here.
Lissie started yelling at him, then. She behaved a lot like Mommy, she did, when she yelled. And then she called Mommy, too, and Mommy yelled at him also. They wouldn’t believe him when he said that it was Cassie who drew it. Mommy cried when he said that it was Cassie, but Michael was not stupid and he knew that they didn’t believe him. He just didn’t know why.
**Why are they yelling at him? Is it that the pictures are drawn on the door? And that scene where his mom came and yelled at him and Lissie yelled at him went by pretty quickly. I'd say if you're going to have yelling then it's better to have dialouge.
And he didn’t know where Cassie was. If he found Cassie, then he could tell her to tell Mommy that it wasn’t him who drew the pictures all over the corridors. And Cassie could open the Basement for him, too.
**You can take off the and in the first sentence. "And Cassie could open the basement for him, too." could be changed to "After that, she could open the basement for him." or something along those lines. Try to refrain from starting sentences off with "and".
Mommy hugged him again. She hugged Lissie, too. Michael had the unclear suspicion that he should cry, too, but he did not know why. But it seemed that Mommy forgot about the pictures on the wall, and when he said that Tiddles was locked in the basement, Mommy told Lissie to open the Basement and help him rescue Tiddles.
**How could she hug him again, I don't remember her ever hugging him...and what is Tiddles exactly...and why is everyone yelling and crying and hugging and stuff?
Lissie made a face – she had not cried, which was why Michael always went to her for help, not Mommy – and went to open the door. The boy dragged behind her, struggling to keep up with his big sister.
Lissie opened the door.
Michael was quite, quite scared, but he was a considerate little boy, and he knew that Tiddles was down there, all alone, too, and that Tiddles must be quite, quite scared also, a tad more scared than him, because he was still standing upstairs, where it was still light, and there was Lissie beside him, and Tiddles was alone. And Tiddles didn’t like being alone, and didn’t like the dark, either. That was why he always slept with Michael – to not be alone in the dark, dark darkness.
**"and he knew that Tiddles was down there all alone." The tense that you used "must be quite, quite scared also..." Didn't really make sense to me any way I put it.
Michael looked around, craned his neck only to see Lissie standing behind him. She was tall, very tall, as tall as a mountain, it seemed. As tall as Mommy or Daddy, but not quite – Lissie was twelve, and twelve meant she was almost a grown-up, and that was why she did very important things, like homework. It was Cassie who was a real grown-up, but Cassie explained to him that there were some things which she couldn’t do.
**He's wandering off to some odd subjects. Try to focus on what's going on right now and expand on that because when his mind goes to different subjects the whole story is off topic.
Michael very much wanted to be grown-up, too, wanted to read and write, and study like them, like his sisters, and do other important things, but Lissie always called him ‘little’ and said that he would have to wait, and wait, and wait... Lissie’s head was now cocked of to one side, left eyebrow up and an ugly, ugly expression, one that he didn’t like at all, was scrawled on her pale features. But she was standing in the corridor, where the light fought of the dark, dark darkness…
**"Michael very much wanted..." doesn't make any sense gramatically. It's as though he's writing this, and that doesn't really work unless this is in first person. "Lissie's head was now cocked *off...." And, dark, dark darkness is getting old already. There's a LOT of repeating throughout this story.
Michael swallowed and looked down. The stairs were enormous, each step a gargantuan gorge, and they seemed to not have an end. Down and down and down they went, cold stone leading into the darkness. Michael squeezed his eyes shut and took a few tiny steps down into the blackness.
*XD gargantuan gorge, I love it. "and they seemed to not have an end" reads better as "and they seemed never to end" By the way, where's his mother right now, did she just stand by the door and let her kids go off into some dark basement?
There was dust everywhere, making it hard for him to breath. The curly stairs made him dizzy, but he refused to open his eyes, because he preferred to know that the monsters were there instead of actually seeing them. He was trembling and there were goosebumps on his skin, and his chin was wobbling more than ever, and he was scared, but somewhere down there was Tiddles. Michael knew he had to rescue Tiddles.
“I’ll turn on the light, if you want,” Lissie called out suddenly. Michael did not think of the fact that Lissie could have done that much earlier, and nodded; he also did not think that perhaps the she would be unable to see him do so. But Lissie had already flicked the light on, and Michael squeezed his tighter eyes shut at the sudden brightness, as if scared to see anything through closed eyelids.
**"he also did not think that erhaps the she would be unable to see him do so?" what are you trying to say here? "as if scared to see anything through closed eyelids" how can you see anything through closed eyelids? Heh, and why did his sister wait to turn on the light in the first place?
“Tiddles? Tiddles, where are you?” Michael finally reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Don’t call his name, you idiot!” Lissie yelled from the top of the stair. “He’s a teddy bear, for Pete’s sake! And open your eyes!”
“Tiddles, Tiddles!” Michael whispered softly, as if he had not heard her still not daring to open his eyes. There were monsters here, he knew, ready to snatch him away the moment they saw him. Truth to be said, he thought it was better when it was dark – then at least he didn’t have to see them, even through closed eyes. Monsters, witches, giants and other beastly things, all wanting to eat a poor little six year old boy…
“Michael!” Lissie called again, impatient. “I lied, alright? There’s no such thing as monsters, I lied!”
Michael shook his head vehemently, hands over his eyes, which were still shut very, very tightly. Left, right, left and right his head went, until it made him so dizzy that he had to sit down. He even stopped hearing Lissie. He tripped, landing flat on his back on the ground.
Sounds. The soft ring of faraway bells, a hiss, a crunch, somewhere above it all was not Lissie, but Cassie. Cassie telling him something that he could not hear. Michael stood up, still not opening his eyes. His rubbed his elbow, whimpering as through the rip in his trousers he felt blood. It hurt. But – Cassie? Cassie!
“Michael, get out of here! Lissie, get him out of here, now!”
Oh, but his elbow hurt. Was it bleeding? It would be horrible if it were bleeding, because Lissie didn’t like blood, and she would yell at him again. And why did it have to hurt? Michael wanted to cry, but he didn’t want Lissie yelling at him for crying, too, and so when silent tears of pain slid down dirt cheeks, not a sound was made by him. Tiddles. Tiddles was somewhere here. Tiddles needed to be saved.
Crunch, crunch. Then the hiss again, a growl, and-
“Michael! Don’t open-”
“Cassie?” Michael asked. He forgot about his fall, forgot about Lissie still screaming from the corridor, and forgot about his fear of monsters. He opened his eyes, eagerly looking for the silhouette that he knew so well.
“… your eyes!”
What he saw made him start screaming, louder even than Lissie when she had yelled at him for the pictures in the hallway. Louder than Lissie and Mommy together. A thing hovered high up below the ceiling, higher even than the doorknob had been. It was grey, and it was black, and it was brown, too; it had arms and legs, but it was clawing and kicking in the air, and Michael couldn’t count all the limbs. It looked human, but it wasn’t human, because it was too grey and too black, and too brown, too.
The thing, whatever it was, looked up, eyes that lacked eyebrows and eyelashes glistening. It whirled around and sped straight at him, and Cassie – Cassie was there, too - started screaming also, and began running in Michael’s direction, too. She ran fast, very fast, faster than Michael had ever seen anyone running, and she seemed to not touch the floor, but glide, float, fly.
And Michael, Michael screamed the loudest, and Lissie, from somewhere behind, screamed too. Above the yells, above the screeches, the boy heard Cassie’s clear voice: “Selwyn! Selwyn, I command you to my presence!”
It was Cassie who somehow reached Michael first, not the creature. The boy did not see what happened, having closed his eyes shut, but felt her hug him tightly, reassuringly. When he tried to hug her back, though, he found that he couldn’t; his arms encountered only air. He grabbed and grabbed at the air and wailed and opened his eyes to see why he couldn’t hug Cassie, just in time to see his sister throw herself in the creature’s path. They both were far, far away from him, two hazy silhouettes halfway up stairs, halfway up where Lissie was standing.
Michael desperately wanted to hug Cassie.
He ran to them, to Cassie and the thing, wanting to protect Cassie, because whatever it was, it was hurting her. She had her face on, the one that she had a lot after her funeral, and Michael didn’t like Cassie with that face, because it was scary. Then Cassie did not seem like Cassie at all, then. Cassie with that face looked scary, and she wasn’t scary, not really.
He ran, ran ran, and ran, and it seemed that he ran a long, long time, longer then he should. But before he could reach them, before he could reach Cassie and the thing, and save Cassie, Cassie did something strange.
Lissie’s screams died out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, first of all I would like to thank in advance everyone who read this. I know it was quite long (about 4,700 words), and I very much appreciate it. Many thanks to the people who read and critiqued – all suggestions, advice, corrections, impressions, etc. are very, very, very welcome.
Edit: Notice that 'Basement' is capitalized. I have a question: Can it stay that way, or should I change it? Basically, the 'B' is apitalized because the basement is important to Michael, and my teacher said (albeit the Polish one) that there's a rule that states that in that particular case a word can indeed be capitalized. Does that apply to English? |
Yes that applies to English. I like how you capitalized basement in this. I think the end was your stronger point and so I had nothing to comment on as far as that but from the beginning to the middle I was confused a lot. I think that the story was good, but it was taken off topic a little? And then you have the repeating. That can easily be fixed by adding a stronger variety of adverbs. To show the extent to something, repeating the word doesn't really work, and though this did have a child voice to it, it wasn't a child telling the story, you know? Use your own voice and venture into his mind. Otherwise I thought the concept was really interesting, the end had a lot of feeling and it was actually scary.
Keep up the good work!
~Rieda |
_________________
I love, love.
*This wonderful crit is brought to you by CCF!* |
|
