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Everything Was Silent
Everything Was Silent

by In_the_Moonlight in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 19, 2007
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Beautifully Evil #5

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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 12:56 pm    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #5 Reply with quote

Chapter five

“Kill him? What do you mean, kill him? I have to murder someone?” Christian spat out. Christian felt totally resentful to the job, but still, he was interested in why Krobeth would want a man dead.

“Yes, you see, the penalty for murder is death! I am a retired policeman, but I still have the authority to arrest someone, or take out the full penalty to capture them, even until death.” Krobeth replied.

“Then why don’t you just kill him yourself? I mean, why hire me?” Christian question.

“They are reasons of my own,” was the angry reply.

“Wait, wait, hold on! You are a cop! You shouldn’t be running from one!”

“Kid, I was a cop ten years ago! And then they falsely accused me of murdering someone’s child, and I was sent to prison. Kid, look, you wouldn’t understand, my life has been hard enough as it is without the cops on my butt all day long!” Krobeth stammered.

They looked at each other in silence. No one spoke. Christian analyzed his job and looked through every little part of it.

“How much would you pay me?” Christian asked.

“Ha-ha! That’s the beauty of it! I would give you half of the money you would be getting me! Half a million dollars! Ha-ha!” Krobeth laughed.

Half a million? Is he crazy? I could buy a whole bunch of cars with that kind of money! Rage filled through Christian’s bones and blood when he thought about his jealousy towards John Summers. Christian had his chance, right here, to impress Christy-Ann with $500,000 dollars. Christian thought about it. Krobeth eyed him until Christian finally replied: “I’ll take the job.”

Instantly Krobeth’s eyes lit up and he smiled and showed his rotten teeth. “Ah-ha! Thank you my friend! You have made my load a lot less of a challenge!”

Christian’s heart turned cold. Evil thoughts swelled up in his head. You are evil. Look what you have become by accepting this job! You are evil and greedy. But Christian didn’t care. All he wanted is the money to impress Christy-Ann. He didn’t care what it took. He just wanted Christy-Ann to be his.

Christian didn’t go to school that day, nor the next. He pretended that he didn’t feel well, and he stayed home to think about how he would kill the man and when.

Krobeth would have to have some kind of method to kill him. I can’t just stroll right up to him and say ‘Hello, I am going to kill you,’ and kill him! Christian decided that when his parents left the house, he would run to Krobeth’s small home and ask him for the details.

The problem was, Christian’s parents never did leave. His father went to work at seven in the evening, and his mother stayed home. Christian couldn’t wait any longer. He devised a little rope out of his bed sheets so he could climb out of his window from the top floor. Christian didn’t exactly know why he didn’t just go out the front door, but he felt like his life was from now on should be kept a secret.

His life was a secret. He stopped talking to his mother and father and hid from them. He never told anymore about Krobeth and Christy-Ann to his parents. They were forbidden. Typical teenager methods.

Christian hung the makeshift rope out of his window, and slowly climbed out. He had made it very clumsily and from the second he put his foot on one of the knots tied together, it slipped and Christian and the makeshift rope tumbled to the ground.

Christian couldn’t breathe. His world seemed to close in around him. Darkness everywhere. His lungs swelled up and he felt hot water streaming down his face. Were those tears? His arm throbbed and so did his back. It seemed as if he were to die there, lying on the ground with a couple of bed sheets lying next to him. Christian knew he was a retard and he admitted it. It wasn’t until later that his world slowly came back into view. He was looking up into his living room ceiling. He tried to look around, but his brain was too tired to think.

How could of a fifteen foot drop done all of this to me? He thought miserably. He couldn’t move at all. Once again, darkness swelled around him. He fell back unconscious.

During this four-hour long sleep, he had a dream. His feet were lifting off from the ground and he started to fly. He felt so free and his hair felt loose, from it’s usual gelled up position. He loved that feeling, the feeling that nothing could stop him.

He was flying into the heart of the L. A. city and suddenly stopped at a huge house. Must be a rich man, he thought as he slowly walked up the steps. Right when he was up on the top step, the door swung open to reveal a huge room with black and white tiles. In the center of the room was an enormous staircase, splitting into two, halfway up, and they went different directions. On the right side of the room, were two doors, both shut and locked. On the left side of the room was an open door, leading into a dining area. Christian was amazed at the enormity of the grand opening of this room. As he was gazing at his surroundings, a man walked down the staircase, coming from the left side. He saw Christian and hurriedly came down the flight of stairs.

“Thank you for coming, please follow me. She is very ill and needs a doctor right away,” the man said as he lead me up the stairs and to the left, where the man had just come down from. Christian was confused. He was no doctor, and had no idea what he was just about to be led to.

The man opened the fifth door on his right and led him to a bed, where a girl lay, drenched with wet towels. Prescription bottles lay scattered around her bed and dried up towels filled her room.

“What is going on here? What is wrong with her?” Christian asked. The reply was, “I do not know! She has not been able to move for the last couple of hours, and she can’t sleep because she says that she has been feeling pins and needles in her leg. Can you examine her?”

Christian slowly, cautiously, went forward into the girl’s room. He looked at the girl’s face and gasped.

No, it can’t be, he thought. Yes, it was. Christy-Ann lay on the bed and looked terrible. “Help me… Christian, help me…” Christy-Ann said weakly. “I am dying.”

“No! No you aren’t! You can’t die! Not yet! I need you! I love you! Christy-Ann don’t go!” All the while when Christian was saying this, Christy-Ann’s face got paler and paler. Soon, she closed her eyes, and she never opened them again.

Christy-Ann was dead.

Christian bolted upright. He heard a scream and a sudden pain in his head. “Ow…” he muttered as he opened his eyes. His parents were surrounding him. As his sight came back, he saw an old man, tall and pale, full of wrinkles. The old man was covering his head and acted as if he was throbbing in pain.

“Christian are you alright?” His mother asked him, with real excitement. Christian slowly breathed and was silent for a moment.

Suddenly, all that had happened came back to him. He remembered that he had made that rope and it fell. He had plunged to the ground. And then-

“Christy-Ann! Christy-Ann! She is dead!” Christian shouted. He jumped up, and then collapsed. His legs had failed him. “Ah, get me up! I need to save Christy-Ann!”

“Christian stop it! You were only dreaming! It’s alright; this Christy-Ann girl is not real. You were just dreaming about her. It’s fine. She is not dead. She is not even real.” Christian’s mother said.

“No, no you don’t understand! Christy-Ann is real! She goes to my school! I know her! I love her!” Suddenly Christian regretted what he had said.

“No, Christian, you just had a terrible nightmare. You will be fine by morning.” Lori replied.

Christian shook his head, and lied back down. He discovered that his pillow was soaking wet from tears. Christian wiped his eyes and saw his father. His heart stopped and his pulse rushed. His father’s eyes were red hot with anger and hatred. His face was bright red and he grinded his teeth.

Christian couldn’t even ask what was wrong with his father; he was too frightened by his stare. “What were you talking about when you were sleeping?” John frightfully interrogated his son. “What does ‘Krobeth needs me’ and ‘I accepted his job’ mean? You were murmuring this while you slept. Huh? Tell me! You have not been going back to that man, have you? Christian, we told you not to! You disobeyed us!”

His son wept silently. He had not meant to reveal all of what had happened. He would for sure never be able to get that half a million dollars now, now that his parents were let on to the secret.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Christian lied, “I have not gone back to that… horrible man.” The instant Christian said this, he knew it was too cheesy to be true. He couldn’t lie. He sobbed even louder and covered his face with his hands.

Slowly and surely, he stood up and looked for the easiest way out. Christian didn’t exactly know what he was about to do, but he had a pretty good idea about it. He took one last breath and dashed out of the room with the doctor and his parents and headed for the front door. He grabbed the handle and pulled. Locked.

His parents shouted in disbelief and ran after him. Christian struggled with the doorknob. Please, he thought, open you cursed door! Finally, it opened and Christian swiftly dashed out the door, his parents a hair width away. They shouted at him, but he paid no further attention. Christian ran out of his street and into the city despite his throbbing head and back.

Christian had successfully run away.


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Last edited by BigBadBear on Sat Oct 20, 2007 5:27 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I still love this, i never no where you are taking me as i read. awesome.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This just gets more incredible. It's like your writing made an overnight shift. The dream scene was swift and suspenseful, and your character's emotions deepen with each chapter. My only complaint is that you need to use contractions--don't, wasn't, it's--stuff like that. Otherwise, it makes your writing sound like a textbook.

Great. Wonderful. I'm going to read more.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This chapter was very good. One thing, though. At the beggining, when you said he fashioned the ropefrom the sheets- thats lod and cliche. Maybe you can say there was a canopy or something like that under/near his window, and he thinks he can land on it and he missies, or falls through. I don't know, something like that. I really liked the dream scene. Last thing, why aren't his parents asking questions about how he fell? Did they see him fall? You need to mention something about this.

Very good-- keep it up.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

bigbadbear wrote:
Christian shook his head, and lied back down. He discovered that his pillow was soaking wet from tears. Christian wiped his eyes and saw his father. His heart stopped and his pulse rushed. His father’s eyes were red hot with anger and hatred. His face was bright red and he grinded his teeth.


how can his heart stop and his pulse rush?

that's all I have to say, though. This is really good, though the little rope of bedsheets made me flinch a little. oldest cliche in the book. But yeah, I liked it. good job!

*XD I've ended my reeiws with good job how many times now? XD good job for getting ten good jobs!*

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some crazy stuff, BigBadBear! I’m serious, this is nuts! But somehow, very addicting…Very Happy

Quote:
“Yes, you see, the penalty for murder is death! I am a retired policeman, but I still have the authority to arrest someone, or take out the full penalty to capture them, even until death.” Krobeth replied.


A couple of things here:

1. Comma instead of a period after “death”

2. No, not true. Retired cops let go of their badge and their right to arrest people. So, if Krobeth is lying to him, give us a subtle hint. Otherwise, you will have to change this because it isn’t fact. But I guess I’m just in a picky mood. Wink

Quote:
“Then why don’t you just kill him yourself? I mean, why hire me?” Christian question.


“questioned” instead of “question”

Quote:
Krobeth eyed him until Christian finally replied: “I’ll take the job.”


He’ll take the job! What?? This Christian is either one desperate kid or is seriously mental. I’m guessing the later. It’s actually kind of creepy how obsessed he is with this girl. It kind of freaks me out…Is Christian mentally insane??

Quote:
All he wanted is the money to impress Christy-Ann.


You change tenses here. I noticed that a few times. Need to watch out for that. It should be “was” instead of “is”

Quote:
How could of a fifteen foot drop done all of this to me?


Huh?? I’m not sure what you are saying here…suggest a rewrite.

Quote:
“Christian are you alright?” His mother asked him, with real excitement.


Small “h” on “his”
And, why is she excited?? Her son just fell out of his bedroom window…need to elaborate here.

Quote:
“Christian stop it! You were only dreaming! It’s alright; this Christy-Ann girl is not real. You were just dreaming about her. It’s fine. She is not dead. She is not even real.” Christian’s mother said.


Comma after “real” instead of a period.
And is Cristy-Ann really not real??

Quote:
“No, Christian, you just had a terrible nightmare. You will be fine by morning.” Lori replied.


Comma after “morning” instead of a period.

Overview: ((Okay, these are more like comments than suggestions this time))

I. Wow, I just can’t believe that Christian is going to take the job. He is like the evilest kid ever! And Krobeth is just as nasty! Wink

II. Now, I thought you did really well with Christian aliening himself away from his family and friends. That was a really nice point to make! Good job! Very Happy

III. Well, I guess I do have one suggestion. When the dream scene is going on and then he wakes up, it is all like boom boom BOOM! Like there is no time in between to really allow the reader to let it sink in. I would slow it down just a tad Wink

Besides that, on to chapter six!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:56 am    Post subject: review Reply with quote

Yes, this is very very addicting. I can't seem to stop. I want to know what happens next. There were a few minor things again, but I don't even feel like pointing most of them out.

Like said above (somewhere) use more contractions. Especially when the teenagers are talking. It might make more sense if parents didn't use them, but teenagers wouldn't talk like that. At least, I don't think they would. All the ones i know don't... but that's just me again.

This is really amazing. I didn't really plan on getting hooked to this, but for some reason, I did.

You're a great writer.

StarDuster Very Happy

P.S. What happened to Mary?... Oh. Wait. He hasn't been at school, so she hasn't been spying on him. Wow.. I really am slow, aren't I? Wink

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