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Introduction to "Eternity"
Introduction to "Eternity"

by Moonglowe in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 18, 2007
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Beautifully Evil #4

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 12:49 pm    Post subject: Beautifully Evil #4 Reply with quote

Chapter Four

Christian made his way toward the dark alley once again, in search of that strange man. Christian was so full of rage and emotion, he didn’t care about his promise to his mother about never returning here. All he cared about was his long lasting love, and hatred; it tore him apart.

Christian stopped, right in front of the apartment building that created the alleyway. It was very dark, and there was no noise in it.

Christian took a deep breath, and slowly entered the alley.

He instantly recognized the stench of the overwhelming garbage bin that had never been emptied. He grimaced and continued on.

“Krobeth! I’m back! I’m back, just as you said I would be!” Christian yelled into the darkness. “Krobeth!”

Suddenly a hand shot up to his mouth and Christian was startled. He squirmed, trying to escape the strong hands that bound his mouth from screaming.

“Shut up, you idiot!” a familiar voice muttered, “You don’t want anyone to hear!”

Krobeth released Christian and led him away from the alleyway. They did not speak, and it was obvious that Krobeth was hiding. He slowly snuck down the street, as stealthy as he could. Christian eyed him carefully and when they turned a corner, Krobeth suddenly turned around, and ran the other way.

“Hey!” Christian yelled, “Wait!” Christian tried to follow, but the man was already one hundred feet away. He turned around and looked around the corner, trying to find out what had startled Krobeth. A police car was driving down the road. Christian gasped and ran toward the fleeing Krobeth.

Krobeth ran for what seemed like hours, until he finally stopped. Christian was gasping, taking in as much air as he could, and finally caught his breath.

“Come in here,” Krobeth said as he opened a worn down door. Christian followed him in and found himself in a small living room. It consisted of a red velvet chair and a coffee table. There was a hall that supposedly led to the kitchen, but you could not see it from the doorway. Beyond the kitchen were two doors, leading into to two separate rooms. Christian was surprised to see that that was all that was in the house.

“Sit down,” Krobeth commanded, but Christian did not. Krobeth stared at Christian for a while and then went into the kitchen. “I knew you would be back.” He said.

Christian replied, “I know, you told me before I ran away.” Krobeth popped his head out of the kitchen to see Christian, and asked him, “Do you want some coffee?”

Christian shook his head; he did not yet trust the mysterious old man. Christian waited for Krobeth to come back into the little living room, and while he stood there, he heard Krobeth murmuring something incomprehensible. Christian stood very quiet, but he could still not hear what it was he was saying. Christian slowly walked up to the wall that separated the living room from the kitchen.

“How will he understand this…” Krobeth murmured very softly. The old man sighed and then the murmuring stopped. Christian gasped and swiftly sat in the chair, appearing as if he had heard nothing at all when Krobeth came in.

Krobeth was holding a large metal tray with a two mugs full of steaming hot coffee. He shoved a cup into Christian’s unsuspecting hand. The cup was immensely hot!

“Ah!” Christian yelped. Krobeth ignored him and put the coffee tray on the coffee table. He took a mug for himself and leaned against the wall Christian had just moments before been leaning on.

They stared at each other in silence; after a while, Krobeth started to talk.

“So, Christian, you have come back, wanting some… cash, I suspect? Yes, I knew boys like you couldn’t resist money… to impress the gals, ain’t ya? Ha ha!

“So, I will pay you quite a deal of money, if you do one simple job for me. I know, I know that this will be hard to accept, but- oh well, let’s just start from the beginning shan’t we?

“About twenty years ago, I became a local police officer for the L.A.P.D. I was a parole officer until I quit my job. Well, in that ten years that I served my position, I was robbed. Not only was I robbed, oh no, my beautiful wife and two children were victims in the robbers killing spree. I see you are surprised. Yes, well, I had two children and a wife back then, and when I was robbed, they were all killed. You didn’t suspect that I lived in this dump my whole life now did ya? Yes, I had a good life back before they were murdered.”

Christian interrupted, “Did you arrest the man who robbed you?”

Krobeth slowly shook his head and wiped a tear out of his eye. He sniffed and then said, “No, I am afraid not. He escaped before I could catch him. After that, he was gone. Disappeared. Forever. Until now.”

Christian slowly raised his eyes up to Krobeth’s own. Christian’s eyebrows were burrowed into his head in mystery.

“Yes, I have found my wife and children’s murderer; and he lives in this very city.” Christian gasped. “Who is he?”

“His name is George Turner. He is a filthy rich man that lives in the very heart of this city.” Krobeth continued.

“He stole all of that money from me. Yes, my wife inherited two million dollars from her father who passed away...mysteriously... right after our wedding. I want that money back.” Krobeth uttered that final sentence with forcefulness.

“That is your job. You have to find, and take back all of that money that George Turner stole from me. But,” Krobeth let that final thought sink in before he finished his sentence, “there is only one way to get it all back. You have to kill him.”


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Last edited by BigBadBear on Sat Oct 20, 2007 5:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this definately does not belong in romance. lol. you hve me hooked BBB. this is very good, keep posting. i like your imangination, i had no idea that your story would take me where it did. started out as a teenage love story. now a mystery.

kim
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 23, 2007 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha, very cool. I think your dialogue is becoming more realistic.

Just a couple suggestions for this part. Coffee is not "immensely" hot. "Immensely" refers to something being huge or overwhelming. I would use the word "intensely."

Quote:
Christian was surprised to see that that was all that was in the house.


That sentence is insanely wordy. I know you can find a way to shorten it.

Fantastic job. You've really got me hooked now.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is good, but i don't think it is very realistic. Even if he was mad, i don't think any kid would go back to somewhere where he could be hurt. He could just as easily get an honest job. But this was a very good wasy to introduce the man, and now i'm hooked. But watch that you don't get too unrealistic.
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

bigbadbear wrote:
"Not only was I robbed, oh no, my beautiful wife and two children were victims in the robbers killing spree. I see you are surprised. Yes, well, I had two children and a wife back then, and when I was robbed, they were all killed."


As soon as Christian met Krobeth, I suspected him of being Mary's dad. Then you slammed that theory down with this line. Of course, then we pick up later that he was indeed her dad. XD i love it when a writer can get us thinking one path, swerve us off that one, and then reveal that the first path was right. Good job! XD isn't it fun playing with people's minds?

bigbadbear wrote:
Krobeth was holding a large metal tray with a two mugs full of steaming hot coffee. He shoved a cup into Christian’s unsuspecting hand. The cup was immensely hot!

“Ah!” Christian yelped. Krobeth ignored him and put the coffee tray on the coffee table. He took a mug for himself and leaned against the wall Christian had just moments before been leaning on.


Sorry, this makes your story unrealistic. When you touch something hot, you automatically let go. Your brain only comprehends that you let go a few seconds after you actually let go. You have no choice. Human reflex. Christian would've let go immediatly.

Alright, #5 XD I like this story. It's a very clever idea.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kill him?? Kill Cristy’s father?? Whoa, this is getting crazy. But I think you have found a fan in me! Very Happy

Quote:
Christian was gasping, taking in as much air as he could, and finally caught his breath.


Missing the word “before”. Slip it in between “and” and “finally”

Quote:
“I knew you would be back.” He said.


Comma after “back” instead of a period and a small “h” on “he”

Quote:
he did not yet trust the mysterious old man.


Trust him? He’s in his house, for goodness sake! I think that takes some amount of trust. Elaborate here, help us to understand that part because I’m slightly confused.

Quote:
“Yes, I have found my wife and children’s murderer; and he lives in this very city.” Christian gasped. “Who is he?”


Press enter after “city.”” Because a new person is talking after.

Quote:
“His name is George Turner. He is a filthy rich man that lives in the very heart of this city.” Krobeth continued.


Comma after “city” instead of a period.

Overall:

I. The Chase. Very quick, very confusing. Try to describe Christian’s emotions at this point. What is going through is head? What buildings is he passing? Is he scared for his life? Stuff like that.

II. Krobeth’s life. Same thing basically as above. Show us Christain’s emotions at this point as well. I felt sort of disconnected from him at this point. Need to know more.

III. Again, and I bet I sound like a broken record, but the Showing Vs. Telling really stood out in this chapter. Need to work on that. Very distracting.

Other than that, I have to continue reading. Very Happy

On to chapter five!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:41 am    Post subject: review Reply with quote

Really really good!

You are very good at adding twists and suspense in every chapter. I thought it might go back to Mary's point of view, but I guess it didn't. That's okay.. I'm beginning to really like Christian [I'm one of those readers who gets attached to characters... Rolling Eyes ]

Well, just a few minor minor minor things... and then I'll get back to reading.

1... uhm. it seems like you use "you idiot" too much when you're having Christian and Krobeth converse... look back at the other chapter. you use it twice and now in this chapter you use it again. i would say either use something different or remove it. i don't think it's very necessary, at least not in the 3rd chapter. in this one, it makes more sense.

2... try to watch out when you're writing dialogue. it got only a little itsy bit confusing when you had Krobeth speaking and then right after that Christian gasps and talks. I had to reread it a few times before I got it... maybe I'm just naturally slow, but that's totally not the point. if you wouldn't mind fixing it for all us slow people, I would be grateful... heehee Laughing

Well, good job on the suspense! I can't believe he has to kill someone for money... I can't believe he would actually do it, just to impress a girl? By killing her father...

But wait. He might not kill him. I have to read more!

StarDuster Very Happy

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