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When dawn arrives
When dawn arrives

by *singerofthenight* in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on October 16, 2007
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Lola vs Malvolio

Topic ID: 21021
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xyberangel   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 6:39 am    Post subject: Lola vs Malvolio Reply with quote

The phone vibrated sonorously in the silent room. Lola grabbed her phone and whipped her head up at the same time. Heads down and pens writing, the class remained serene and undisturbed. Breathing a sigh of relief she flicked back a lock of bright red hair, and peered at Malvolio. In the far corner he paced back and forth like a tiger, scrutinising the class with eagle eyes. He controlled the class with sheer presence of his will.

Turning her attention back to the text, she wondered why Darren would text her. Something wasn’t right. He knew better than to text in Malvolio’s class. The last time a student had tried to read a text Mr. Mal threw the phone out the window-yet she couldn’t help but worry. What if he’s in an accident? Or sick. Or Injured. Or trapped. The ticking of the clock seemed to quicken alongside her heartbeat.

A montage of scenarios flashed through her mind. Darren sprawled across the road. Trapped under a car he struggled to pull out a broken and bloody knee. Needing her help. Inches away from unconsciousness he texted her with his last strength. The stench of petrol filled her nostrils, ringing warning bells of death. No! Lola burst open her eyes. Shaking the vivid nightmare away Lola focused back on reality.

Lifting the phone she opened her inbox. A speck of grey swept across the corner of her eyes. She shoved the phone under the table. Malvolio was standing two feet away. Her heart pounded in her throat. Too close. She watched as Malvolio slowly made his way across the room and pulled the phone up again.

“What do you think you’re doing?” thundered Malvolio behind her ear.

Lola froze. She felt icy tendrils creeping into her blood. Wincing in anticipation she turned around. Malvolio was criticizing Jimmy in front of her for chewing gum.

“Spit it out boy,” ordered Mr. Mal as he held out a bin.

Little Jimmy spat out the gum, looking sheepish. Lola collapsed with relief. Why do I have to be in his class? She wondered.

Lola waited for another two minutes. Third time lucky she thought. She took a last check on Malvolio, who was teaching John the right way to hold a pen. She took the phone out before she could change her mind.

‘Lola I left my term assignment at ur house. Can u be a babe and get it bck 2 me cuz its due nxt period’.

Oh no…. that’s the term assignment that he’d been working on for months. It was worth half his grade. If she didn’t help him, he’d be doomed to repeat another year. Lola glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes. An atmosphere of tension seemed to hang over the class like a thick blanket, choking out all fun and laughter. She pulled back the neckline of her dirty shirt, which was soaked in cold sweat. Someone clicked their pen in a steady, annoying rhythm. Lola stared at the walls. They were strangely sterile, surrounding the students completely. No decoration or colourful posters could break up those bleak walls. The door drawed her in. Beckoning her towards it. The gap beneath the door let a pale shaft of light creep through teased with the hint of escape. The thin glass pane above the handle revealed a well-lit hallway of colourful posters and artwork. She estimated the distance. Four…no five feet away. Three large lunges should do the trick. Lola cautiously crept out of the chair. She thrust her school bag onto her shoulder and pushed the chair back into the table, careful not to make a sound. With each stride she placed her foot softly on the ground. Her heart leapt into her throat. Breathless she made her way across the room.

“Where do you think you’re going young lady?” Malvolio questioned sharply.

Lola paused in mid stride.

“I need to go out for a sec,” started Lola

By this time twenty nine pairs of eyes drank up the delicious scene; a glad interruption in their mundane lives at another’s expense.

“Flamboyant hair colouring is not allowed in school Lola,” commented Malvolio in a pompous voice, referring to her bright red hair.

“But…”, Lola tried to explain.

“And tidy up your hair, and clothes. Tank tops are not part of the academy’s school uniform code.”

“I need to get my boyfriend’s term assignment in twenty mins,” Lola tried to explain once again.

“You are fortunate to attend this prestigious academy but you need to clean up your act together. Your baggy pants and scruffy clothes just don’t cut it. They reflect badly upon our school and that is not acceptable. You should try taking a page from our head mistress Olivia’s most elegant style in dress. ” Malvolio started to lecture

Muffled smirks and sniggers erupted from the class. It was a well known rumour that Malvolio had a secret crush on Olivia, though he seemed oblivious of her neutral feelings towards him.

Lola rolled her eyes. She didn’t have time for this. Darren needed her.

“Mr. Mal this has nothing to do with this, I don’t care about your stupid uniform codes,” protested Lola.

For once Malvolio was lost for words. The class gasped as he rapidly turned a deep shade of crimson.

“What did you say?” hissed Malvolio venomously.

“I like the way I am,” Lola shot back, “and I’m going.”

“When I’m finished with you, you won’t even ever raise your voice to me again,” threatened Malvolio. He lunged and grabbed Lola’s arm.

A piercing screech broke the spell of suppression in the room. Lola let go her famous powerful high pitched scream. Malvolio let go as he tried to block his ears. Windows and light bulbs shattered, glass flying everywhere. The classroom was sunk into sudden darkness. Some of the class screamed too as they ducked below the desks. In the sudden confusion Lola quickly ran out of the door. Released. Finally able to follow her heart and help the one she loved.



Last edited by xyberangel on Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:40 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 6:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

o btw this is for an assesment, that i hav to take 2 characters from texts we studied and thats y it might not make much sense
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Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2007 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi there buddy! Hehe. You have an interesting piece of work here but I think your imagery could be increased and some of your grammar and dialogue needs a quick edit. Generally, you've chosen two interesting characters. Here's some suggestions -

In the far corner he paced back and forth like a tiger. Scrutinising the class with eagle eyes he controlled the class with sheer presence. [I think this would be smother if you changed where you end the sentence and maybe add a little more. Like - 'In the far corner he paced back and forth like a tiger, scrutinising the class with eagle eyes. He controlled the students with the sheer pressure of his will.']

She felt icy tendrils creeping inter [I think you mean into?] her blood.

Third time lucky she thought. She took a last check on Malvolio, who was teaching John the right way to hold a pen.

Oh no…. That’s [Correct your punctuation here. It should be 'Oh no... that's the term...'] the term assignment that he has worked on for months.

20 twenty minutes.

An atmosphere of tension seemed to hang over the class like a thick blanket, choking out all fun and laughter in the class.

Someone clicked their pen in a steady, annoying rhythm.

Strangely sterile they had completely surrounded the students. [This is a bit fragmented. Perhaps 'They were strangely sterile, surrounding the students completely.']

The gap in the slightly beneath the door hinted the slightest hope of escape. [This doesn't make much sense. I'd change it to 'The gap beneath the door that let a pale shaft of light creep through teased with the hint of escape.']

The think glass plan pane above the handle revealed a well-lit hallway of colourful posters and artwork.

She thrusted her school bag onto her shoulder and pushed the chair back into the table, careful not to make a sound.

A glad interruption in their mundane lives on at another’s expense.

“But-”, [Too many punctuation marks. Choose just one. Preferably an ellipse.] Lola tried to explain.

“I need to get my boyfriend's term assignment in 20 twentymins,” Lola tried to explain once again.

“You are fortunate to attend this prestigious academy but you need to clean up your act together. Your baggy pants and scruffy clothes just don’t cut it. They reflect badly upon our school badly and that is not we want in this school acceptable. You should try taking a page from our head mistress Olivia’s most elegant style in dress. ,” [Remove the comma.] Malvolio started to lecture.
Muffled smirks and sniggers came out erupted from the class.

It was a well known rumour that Malvolio had a secret crush on Olivia. Though [Make this into one sentence.] he seemed oblivious of her neutral feelings towards him.

“Mr. Mal this has nothing to do with this, I don’t care about your stupid uniform codes,” protested Lola.
For once Malvolio was lost for words.

“What did you say?!” [Just one punctuation mark.] hissed Malvolio venomously.

“and I’m going”. [Full stop inside the speech marks.]

“When I go though with you, you won’t even ever raise your voice to me again,” threatened Malvolio. [Needs rephrasing. Maybe 'When I'm finished with you, you won't ever raise your voice...']

Finally able to follow her heart and save help the one she loved.

_________________________
Overall, it needs tidying up a little but it's generally a good piece of work.

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
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xyberangel   View This User's Portfolio
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300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok done re-editing it, thanks for the critique buddy ^^
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This thread was created on October 16, 2007

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