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xhalcyonx128
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 Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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i see everyone else basically has this covered, so im going to avoid beating a dead horse and be quick about this.
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| It was the first week of school and she was already being asked out! |
if this is in 3rd person (with christian as the narrator) then the reader wouldn't know this, because we don't know what Christy-Ann is thinking. Now maybe you ment for Christian to think this, but it sounds like she is thinking this because she's excited. i suggest just taking this line out.
also "she too was a senior, and happened to be in none of Christian's classes" it should be but happened, or yet happened, or however was in none of christians classes, or else the oddness of them not having any classes together- even though they are in the same grade- will be lost.
this is good, not too sappy or cliché like alot of teen romance stories are (by the way i suggest avoiding those two things at ALL costs in your later chapters). good luck! |
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ELven-Maiden
Mars. is. Fricken. Awesome. Hands down. GO MARS!!
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| Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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I have one thing to say:
John was a football jock. He was tall, dark and muscular. John flexed as he approached the group of giggling girls. John was obviously trying to go out with Christy-Ann, just by his looks. He took long strides, showing off his bulging muscles.
John, John, John.....it gets really repetitive and a little annoying and bland.
As long as you fix that, though, this is good. Good job! |
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ciago92
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:53 pm Post subject: |
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| This series is pretty good! Since this is the first chapter, I can't give too much away, but you took me through an amazing series of twists and turns throughout the chapters. Realism is pretty good, although "I just laughed because of peer pressure" ... Never, not in a million years! Other than that, this is a great story, I already feel for Christian. Going to see if I can find some of your other stories, this series was AWESOME! |
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selenasacuna
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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| i loved your story but the only thing is this: i see how he's broken up and he sees a new and prettier girl but wht is the ex still hanging around??? |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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Mary is still hanging around because she loves Christian more than anything else in the world. You see, she would give her life for him, as you see later on in the story. Christian became very upset after he had seen Mary making out with Nick Angelo and then he broke up with her. So now, he can date other girls, and Mary still loves Christian. That is why she is still around.
Thanks for the comments guys! |
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RowanHowler
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hello,
I think this has great potential for teen fiction! I do, however, have a lot of suggestions which you can look over and see if you agree with. I think this will be much better after some editing. I enjoyed your characters and the plot was certainly mysterious right from the beginning. Good luck!
Suggestions-
My main advise is to show and not tell. Show the scene where Mary is betraying Christian, Have less narrator information and more from the character's thoughts and or dialogue.
I don't know if dating you're story so early and so completely is the best thing to do. It's up to you, but if you don't say the exactly year it will have a sort of general timelessness that more can relate to.
It were the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.- It was where the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high to the huge high school were. or The freshman were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school.
A lot of sentences are comprised of "It was . . . or "he was" I'd vary your structure a little to make it flow better.
Mary had never forgiven herself. She had loved Christian more than anything in the world. But Christian would never accept her again! She felt horrible. - she must not have "loved" him quite that much, though perhaps she thought she did.
A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. She had long, blonde hair, and her wide blue eyes gazed around at her new environment.- show this. SHow his fist sighting of her. Also, most people's eyes gaze around so maybe "gazed in wonder" or "in fear"
Maybe, just maybe, she could be for me. I mean, look at her, she’s smart, beautiful, and I bet she is an awesome kisser. - good thing he's not conceited, lol.
Do you see here?”- her
He usually never talked to preppies.- but i thought he was supposed to be nice?
Christian showed a certain dislike for John Summers.- Christian disliked John Summers.
and I would like to take it with a spin. With you.- and I want to take it for a spin. With you. -this dialogue seems stiff and unnatural. No self respecting jock would say "I would like to" This occurs in most of the dialogue.
Christy-Ann blushed. It was the first week of school and she was already being asked out!- this seems to change viewpoints to Christy ann without warning.
I was only laughing because of peer pressure.- not a lot of teens actually own up to being influenced by peer pressure.
think it's T-shirt, not tee, but I'm not sure about that.
I think that Christy ANn would probably withhold the information of her twin being murdered until she knew him a bit better and the topic somehow came up. |
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BigBadBear
look! it's Poe!
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| Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: |
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Holy cow. I have no idea how you found this -- It was abandoned long ago. But I finished it... and it was a piece of crap. But thanks? The review's helpful, although I've come a long way since this. Sorry to hurt your eyes with poor dialog and telling.
*dies*
-Jared |
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Curlyqpride
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: wow |
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Wow, I like Christy-Ann! The reason is that you completely beat up a cliche which is "the blonde pretty girls are mean", and it is not like that at all, she is very nice and kind and I can already tell she cares for Christan.
Christran is really nice to and seems like a good guy, and i can tell he has alot to learn about girls and how to deal with people like John, so character development is going to be a peice of cake (with some chocolate milk  )!
I really like this and I know I am going to enjoy the next chapters as well, I need to get on those quick! Thanks for the read! -Curly |
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ashleylee
Let's make beautiful music together
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I like the overall idea of this story so far, but I think you use WAY too much telling. I mean, it wasn’t just like that in one paragraph. It was like that throughout the entire thing. And I don’t say it to be mean or anything, but I just wanted to point that out to you. Try to slip in some description, try to show what the characters are thinking rather than coming right out and telling us. Stuff like that will help it out a lot  But like, I have read other pieces of your work (most recent, the Dirt Loves me one, which I loved!  ) And I know how well you write so I'm guessing this was one of your first posts...??
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| It were the freshman that were having a hard time adjusting from junior high, to the huge high school. |
“was” instead of “were”
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| A week after the new school year had began, a new girl began to come to Midvale High. |
I’m not sure that the last part of this sentence sounds quite right. Try cutting out the “began to come” and change it to just “came”. That might help.
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| Popular girls surrounded the new girl, you know, the preppy ones. |
“you know”?? I don’t like that because you don’t use “you” anywhere else so just either cut that right out, or maybe rewrite it??
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| “Ughf!” He said, as he fell to the ground. |
small “h” on “he”
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| It took on a look of love, or emotion. Christian softened his facial expression. She already is in love with me! You know, they were right, one look can change everything! |
Whoa! Love?? That’s a little…unrealistic. Sorry  But I don’t think that girl would be loving him so soon. Maybe have “compassion” or something to show that she felt sorry for him, maybe?? Just not love…that’s too extreme for me.
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| “Tonight, around seven o’clock.” Was John’s reply. |
Small “w” on “was” and a comma instead of a period after “o’clock”
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| “Uh, yeah, John, I think that that would be really nice.” Christy-Ann muttered, blushing. |
Comma instead of a period after “nice”
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| She nodded and told Christian, “I am so sorry the way I acted at lunch. I mean, it wasn’t funny that you fell in front of me. I was only laughing because of peer pressure. I'm sorry." |
I don’t think some girl would admit to being “peer pressured” into laughing at someone. Many kids are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit something like that. So I would cut that sentence out and just leave it at “I’m sorry.”
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| “Yes, um… Samuel Turner was murdered on October 13, 1995. It was devastating me, and my parents, who are divorced right now.” She muttered. |
Okay, couple things here:
1. First off, comma instead of a period after “now”
2. Now, I don’t think that a girl who just lost her brother would be using his name like that. Sounds too unfamiliar, like she is reading off of a pamphlet or something. Make it more personal for her.
3. “devastating for me” instead of “devastating me”
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| “I’m sorry Christian, it’s just that I never talk about my brother. It’s been… so long.” She slowly muttered. |
A few things here again:
1. Comma after “sorry”
2. Comma after “long” instead of a period.
3. Also, small “s” on “she”
4. And, how does she know his name?? I think I missed something there because I can’t remember him introducing himself to her…so maybe have that happen or something so we know she knows his name.
Okay, now that that is done and besides the telling thing, you have a good start here. Just a few more things to point out:
I. Your dialogue. Most of it was really realistic, which is one thing I struggle with myself. But I thought you did pretty good. However, you use of (…) was sort of annoying sometimes. Sorry But I must be honest. Maybe cut that down a bit and it might help smooth things out.
II. Your Characters. They were good but too ordinary. Need to make them unique. Christian seems like the normal nice-guy-who-gets-the-girl. John is the jock-who-hits-on-all-of-the-girls. Mary is the obsessive-ex-girlfriend and ect. Need to give them some life! Some fire! Make the reader want to get to know these characters.
III. Overall Plot. Also, very ordinary so far. Except for the murder part which I found quite interesting, it was very un-unique. Try to spice it up! Make it your own!
Other than that, I am on to chapter two because I can’t resist figuring out what happens |
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StarDuster
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| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: review |
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To start, this is very good. The beginning all seems sort of cliche, but maybe that's just because I'm tired of school.. I'm working on a story where I have to include school in it and it annoys me to no end...
Anyway, on to critiquing. Like said before (and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it) the dialogue needs some work. It was still an interesting start and definitely pulls the reader in closer to the end.
People keep telling me I need to "show not tell" and I'm still confused on the whole thing, so I don't think I'll be any help to you there.
If you tried spicing up the beginning a bit more, it might draw more readers in from the start. I don't know, it's just a small suggestion. Maybe you could begin it another way.
I'm wondering about the Mary character. Why is she always spying on him? I think that would make me really uncomfortable and creeped out if that happened to me.
You could also add more detail to some parts. Like how he falls.. it seems kind of sudden. If you added more detail, it would make the story more interesting plus it would make it longer ... if that's a bonus. I'm not sure if it is for you.
Other than that, it's very good. Keep writing. Don't let anyone get you down.
StarDuster |
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