Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Lion and the Lamb
The Lion and the Lamb

by emma.b in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 14, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Trinity
Trinity
Trinity
Trinity
Trinity

Trinity

Topic ID: 20980
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
FlyingDream   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

47
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 47
Country: Does Middle Earth Count?
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 2:29 am    Post subject: Trinity Reply with quote

Note: The titles of the chapters will be the name of the character that is narrating. This is necessary because Trinity is written in the 1st person. Enjoy.

Okay, I think I made Tanslie's gender a BIT clearer, but then again I'm not sure, please tell me if I need to add anything.

Intro: Tanslie

It was so quiet outside; it was as if everything was holding its breath, waiting for the world to change. I thundered up the wooden stairs of the shop, late for yet another meeting. As I reached the final steps, I saw a faint light glowing from the single room at the top of the stairs. I burst into the room, panting, and saw Wyndegan, sitting patiently in a chair.

"You're late," he said. I didn't have the breath to answer him, so I sat down in the chair opposite of him instead. Wyndegan looked over me as I rested. My long, silver hair was tied into a sloppy pony tail and my pink shirt had stains in it. Finally, I gained my breath back and looked at Wyndegan. His purple hair was violet in the candlelight and his gray eyes were shaded.

"Wynn, any news?" I asked. Wynn looked at the ground.

"No news," he said," No one in the resistance has been able to contact each other. It seems that the Empire is getting smarter. It's harder now, what with spies everywhere we turn. It's a miracle we've managed to last this long," I nodded, the security had gone up. I knew it would have been only a small amount of time before we would be forced to take extra care.

"We need a new headquarters, Tanslie, we can not stay here. What use are we if we are forced to stay in hiding?" this question also burned inside of me, but unfortunately, I had as much answers as him.

"Have you ever thought about giving back what we took? Do you think that would make a difference?" I asked sharply. Wynn looked up, surprised that i would mention such a thing.

"Do you know what that would mean, giving back his greatest weapon? Do you think that the Overlord would lessen his punishment once we returned what was stolen from him?" he asked. I stared at my hands, embarrassed at what I had said.

"It isn't just an item that we can destroy, Tanslie, it's the Overlord's daughter, a human being. We can not kill her because she hasn't done anything to cause harm. She doesn't even know her own father and the destruction he has caused and I plan to keep it that way," Wynn stood up and looked down on me.

"Please don't mention that idea again," he said. Wynn paced the floor. During his silence I did a quick scan of the room. It was the same as always: small and a little stuffy. A torn green rug sat in the center of the room and a single, slanted window was cut into the wall. The only objects in the room were the two chairs that Wynn and I occupied and the candle that burned on the windowsill.

Finally, Wynn sat down and passed a hand over his tired face.

"What was I thinking, starting the resistance? We're a bunch of teenagers, trying to fight a losing battle," Wynn groaned.

"You said that last week too," I replied," And do you remember how I answered?" Wynn smiled and looked at me.

"You said that if I gave up, you'd personally hunt me down, rip out my spine, and call me an idiot for quitting," he said.

"And I still hold true to my word," I replied. Wynn shook his head and laughed. My heart started beating wildly when I heard a creak down below me. Someone had heard us. Wynn extinguished the candle and put a hand over my mouth. A thumping noise indicated that someone was climbing the stairs. The door opened slowly and light spilled into the small room. Wynn pulled me into a corner.

"Anyone there?" a voice called out, rough and tired. After many minutes, the person left and his footsteps disappeared. Wynn let out a long breath and took his hand away from my mouth.

"Sorry," he said," I didn't want you to scream."

"Whatever," I answered," We better get out of here. For all we know, that man could come back with a guard." Wynn nodded.

"You're right, I'll contact you when we need to meet again," Wynn looked out the window and then he quietly opened the door.

"Wait until you know I'm gone; then leave," I nodded my understanding. Wynn's gray eyes flashed mysteriously as he lowered his head in farewell; then he left.

~*~


_________________
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb


Last edited by FlyingDream on Tue Oct 16, 2007 10:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my gosh. That was the coolest thing I have read all day.

Besides the two things that I found, there was nothing wrong with it

1. I nodded, the security had gone up.

I don't know if this was what you had intended the sentence to be, but it doesn't make much sense.

2. surprised that i would mention such a thing.

Be sure to capitalize your I's.

Other than that, this story was really great. Very mysterious and I really want to know what is going on. PM me if you are going to post more. And post it soon! Lol I want to know what the Empire is and why they stole the daughter!!!!!

BBB

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Fan   View This User's Portfolio
Tea please......
Speaker of the Forum

159
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 596
Reviews: 159
Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 6:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this certainly kept my attention throughout the whole thing and during 7:21 in the morning it isn't an easy thing to do!

I thought that the pace was pretty good, telling us things without neccessarily being overly info dumpy and the description was kept at a good level. I like the cliff-hanger style ending as well, who knows what will happen? My only quirk is that Im still not sure whether Tanslie is a girl or boy. I assume she's a girl but I don't have anything from the text to back me.

_________________
"A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."

Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter!Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello,
It was the title that caught my attention - I’m a sucker for titles and cover art, lol. Anyway, I’ll do a line-by-line crit first, and leave the more interesting stuff, e.g. impressions, at the end.


Quote:
Finally, I gained my breath back and looked at Wyndegan.

Hm, this could use more description...

Quote:
"No news," he said,"

Comma should be turned into a period, and the space after the quotes is not necessary.

Quote:
It's a miracle we've managed to last this long," I nodded, the security had gone up.

Again, comma into period. Also, the part after the quote - making a separate paragraph out that, I think, wouldn’t hurt.

Quote:
this question also burned inside of me, but unfortunately, I had as much answers as him.

Capitalize ‘this’.

Quote:
Wynn looked up, surprised that i would mention such a thing.

Capitalize ‘I’. I thing someone already mentioned this.

Quote:
She doesn't even know her own father and the destruction he has caused and I plan to keep it that way,"

While a comma is okay, I think a period would be better.

Quote:
"You said that last week too," I replied,"

Comma - period. And you have a space after the opening quote.

Quote:
"You said that if I gave up, you'd personally hunt me down, rip out my spine, and call me an idiot for quitting," he said.

Lol, nice.

Quote:
"Whatever," I answered,"

Comma - period.

Quote:
"You're right, I'll contact you when we need to meet again,"

Comma tunred into period would be better, I think.

Quote:
"Wait until you know I'm gone; then leave,"

The above.



Well, that’s the end of all that grammar-connected, boring stuff (should there be a comma there?!). Lol. Anyway, here are impressions, likes/dislikes.

Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you on grabbing my attention, and managing to keep it throughout the whole text. Actually, I was quite disappointed when it ended so quickly, and I’ll hope that you’ll hurry and post more soon.

But to the story. I think you have a very interesting plot there, and I’m curious about the Overlord’s daughter. And about the Overlord himself. Were will the all lead? Grr, I want to know : ) However, I cannot say that I found this entirely original - a resistance against tyranny, etc. I think, though, that you can make it so, somehow.


One of the few drawbacks of your story was it’s rapid pace. While it is usually good (the avoiding info-dumps, etc.) it does have it’s negative sides:

Quote:
"Have you ever thought about giving back what we took? Do you think that would make a difference?" I asked sharply.

A very rapid change of emotion - all was calm, I’m listening - reading - Tanslie’s thoughts, and suddenly she answers so ‘sharply’?

Quote:
I stared at my hands, embarrassed at what I had said.

Again, very rapid. She goes from one emotion to another, but that’s just ‘told’. Show us, not tell.

Quote:
Finally, Wynn sat down and passed a hand over his tired face.

Apart from showing emotion, body language is your friend, too. Like the above.

Quote:
My heart started beating wildly when I heard a creak down below me. Someone had heard us.

Very, very rapid, again. Show us more of the relaxed atmosphere, etc., and then - wham - ‘Someone had heard us’.

So. My advice is, add more details, descriptions. Slow it down at some points, add emotions at others. An example could be Wynn - while lack of character description is a lesser problem that is probably fixed in parts that follow this one, the fact that I know few things about him, is. What I mean is that there is few tags concerning him, few tags about his behavior, facial expression.

Tanslie, on the other hand, has more than her share of emotion. Here I advise you to slow down with that and show (not tell!) us the path of her emotions. How did she get to one point or another? Show us her line of though. E.g., Character A is angry. Then Character A is happy. (Yes, very simple example, I’m sorry…). What I want you to do is not only state that CA is this or that, or this, then that, (angry, then happy), but how CA became happy, when he was angry not so long ago.

Another thing concerning Tanslie: the gender. Now that Fantasyartist brought it up - I don’t know either. As the latter, I also assumed it’s a girl, but…

Summing up all that is above (except the last paragraph): Add more tags. Show more emotion, feeling, reaction. It will make the story more realistic (well, truthfully, it already is, but we’re all aiming for your story to be ideal, yes? *grins evilly*)

Oh, and another thing that I wanted to say but almost forgot: there are a lot of places where you put a comma (in dialogue) instead of a period (or full stop, if you’d rather…). I don’t have the link lying about anywhere, but the wonderful Suzanne wrote an awesome article about dialogue punctuation. (I think it was her, but it might not - sorry to that person if I’m wrong). It should be in the list of articles in the Fiction forum…

Again, it was a very enjoyable and well-written piece. I’m looking forward to seeing more of “Trinity” in the future.

Cheers,
Esme

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
FlyingDream   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

47
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 14 Aug 2007
Posts: 60
Reviews: 47
Country: Does Middle Earth Count?
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, Tanslie's a girl. I knew I should have added that in somewhere. Smile
Anyways, I'm glad you like it, I'll start writing right away. Lol. Laughing

_________________
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
flytodreams   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

76
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 12
Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 250
Reviews: 76
Country: U.A.E
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 5:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi,
Sorry, no critique. I was confused about Tanslie as well, maybe you could make her gender a bit more clear to the reader in the story?
It was very interesting, like Fantasyartist said, the pace was at a nice level. And the cliffhanger was so well done; I'd love to see more of this story.
And the Overlord's daughter.
Smile

_________________
That's what I go to school for, even though it is a real bore. You can call me crazy, but I know that she craves me. ~ What I Go To School For --Busted
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 14, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 14, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students -- jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time! - Homer Simpson
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society