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elephantwalrus
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 Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 9:07 pm Post subject: The Hubris Noose |
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The Hubris Noose
A venomous, thorny vine
Clutches victims at the throat,
Yet to them it is a gentle necklace,
For they see not malevolent schemes.
The captives’ blood trickles down the front,
Until white skin is stained scarlet,
But they do not see the ominous dye
As a sign of the lethal embrace.
Habit has poisoned their seedling minds,
And desensitized them to the pain.
This invisible, hellish doom
Is borne upon maturing young
Who are dying in a hubris noose,
Captive to a wicked pride.
Yeah, basically I've been staring at the piece of paper I wrote this on all day. I've gone through three drafts, and I really need a fresh pair of eyes to critique it for me. Be ruthlessly harsh, if you may  |
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TL G-Wooster
magic is fun! we're dead
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| Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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I probally shouldn't say, "Lol, me like" but that's all that comes to mind. 
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A venomous, thorny vine
Clutches victims at the throat, |
Maybe you should add in that, so it's, A venomous, thorny vine that Clutches victims at the throat. And change the comma to a full stop, I think. |
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smorgishborg
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Why thank you! I will continue to work on this. Thanks for taking the time to comment! |
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You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
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| Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 2:04 am Post subject: |
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Ooh, I really liked this. Partly because I completely adore the word hubris, but also because it flows nicely and has good imagery as well. It's one of those poems that just reads like it should be in an old book somewhere in a library, just waiting to be discovered for the thousandth time...
So yeah, no real critique from me here. I enjoyed it.  |
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Good_Night119
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| Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:17 am Post subject: |
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| I like the noose/suicide metaphor for hubris. the poem was extremely descriptive and left quite a vivid my mind. Overall, well done i say |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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I think this is a very good poem! The only thing I could suggest is to go through and try to make your words stronger. For explain "pain" is an extremely vague word. The bright/better words you use, the brighter your language will be, and the more powerful the poem will be, as well.
Best of luck! |
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Kit
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| Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 6:30 am Post subject: |
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I like this a lot, it's universal, insightful, there's a delicate deliberation in your phrasing which is quite lovely. I'd be interested to see you play with some sense imagery, possibly smell or touch, just going along with what Clau said on getting the greatest effect upon your reader, the more specific, the more vivid the better.
But that's just a little thing you can play with, otherwise, this is a very strong piece, be proud. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:50 am Post subject: |
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elephantwalrus:
What was lost -
About five minutes reading and thinking about this poem
What was gained -
Nothing
This attempt to pack a moral lesson into 14 lines never really gets started for me as the language in the first fourteen lines seems to be stuck in one place.
The whole thing strikes me as a clumsy, half-hearted and generally unfocused rant.
Best,
Brad |
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