Before I begin, I would like to explain why I am writing this piece of crap. First off, I am bored and don't have a life. Second, I need a new reputation after my previous three stories. They were the first things in creative writing that I ever wrote, and I was very upset with the outcome. This story is stupid and random, and in commenting, I would appreciate it if you didn't say, "OMG i cant beleiv u rote tis u weerdo tis idea was stoopid y did u rite tis."
What I mean is, don't ridicule me for the idea of the story. You can give constructive reviews saying how I could possibly improve it. I would actually appreciate it. Just don't say why the actual subject of the story is stupid, because I have a low self-esteem and know that the main idea of my story is stupid and...well you get the picture.
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Jim came home and threw his things on the floor. He sighed. Why was life so difficult? Nothing ever went the way he wanted it to. It would be nice if for once, just once, things could go the way he planned. He sighed again. Jim lowered himself off of the couch and onto the floor. He stared at the television screen. Not knowing what else to do, he reached for the remote and turned on the boob tube. There was an intriguing advertisement on the screen:
"Are you tired of pouring spaghetti into a pot and scalding parts of your body nowhere near the stupid thing?" came an annoying voice. A woman in very skimpy clothing was on the screen pouring some water into a pot of spaghetti. Suddenly she screamed, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! It's like my face and several other unmentionable body parts are melting!" Jim stared at the screen.
"If you answered yes," came the voice again, "then try the amazing 'Super Ultra Fantastic Mega Robot Wow Pot' for only $29.95, plus a dollar for every dollar, and shipping and handling. Not only will it keep you from asphyxiating, it will do your laundry, perform open-heart surgery, and bring world peace!" Jim thought for a minute. This was some pot! It would solve all of his troubles. After all, they couldn't say it on television if it wasn't true.
Right before Jim could dial the number the annoying voice on the TV said to call a thousand times, something happened.
A giant hole appeared in Jim's living room. Out of it came the infamous...Mupert Rurdoc!
"Hello! I am Mupert Rurdoc. No, not Rupert Murdoc, MUPERT RURDOC. I have come to steal your souls."
"But, there's only one of us...er, I mean, me. There's only one of me," said Jim, a bit surprised.
"Well, congratulations," said Mupert. "But before I steal your souls, I mean, soul, I am going to put on a magic show!"
Jim stared blankly at the old man.
"Now, for my first trick, I will use my magical bag...of...stuff!" Out of Mupert's bag flew 1,906,834,652,987,034,274,914,263,823,009,677,254 little blue balls that seemed to share the same characteristics as hedgehogs with...rabies.
Suddenly, Jim's twin sister, Alex, ran into the room. "Oh, my God!" she yelled. "They're...multiplying!"
As if on cue, the 1,906,834,652,987,034,274,914,263,823,009,677,254 little blue balls became 2,980,722,013,546,722,008,657,835,786,118,231,734 little blue balls. They began to attack Alex mercilessly. "Help! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world, what a world!"
Jim, reacting in the most rational way possible, got on his knees and begged Mupert for mercy. "Oh, please, good sir! What may I do to avoid drowning in the horrific mountain of rabid, blue hedgehogs? I will betray my friends and neighbors and join your services. I will read the Wall Street Journal. I will do whatever you please, just do not throw me to my blue, hedgehoggy doom!"
Mupert considered this offer for a moment. "You can do nothing!" he finally said. "You can either die a man or a coward!"
Jim made his decision quickly, and was swallowed by a hedgehog, kicking and screaming and crying for his mommy.
After breaking free, Alex noticed how quiet it was. Yes, the little blue balls were squeaking endlessly, but she could not hear the normal complaints of her brother. "Jim!" she cried, but in vain. "Oh, Jim," Alex moaned.
"Your brother is dead," said Mupert, "Now you must continue watching my Magic Show of Terror! Watch as I pull a hat out of a rabbit!" Sure enough, Mupert pulled a fancy, feathered hat out of a surprised-looking rabbit's mouth. When he finished, the bunny escaped from Mupert's deadly grip, only to be swallowed by a hedgehog.
"Now," continued Mupert, "watch carefully as I--"
Mupert Rurdoc was silenced as Captain Jack Sparrow jumped into the room and flung the Super Ultra Fantastic Mega Robot Wow Pot in his face. "Take that you filthy mogul!" he said. Alex was speechless, until she spoke. "Oh, Jack, you saved me!"
"Obviously," stated Jack flatly. Alex ran up to him and started making out with the hot pirate. Out of nowhere, Spongebob Squarepants walked into the room and yelled, "I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah!"
Jack and Alex stared at the sponge. Then Spiderman burst through the window and preached about power, responsibility, the birds, and the bees.
Three seconds later Calypso flew in and began chanting. "I predict that several more cameos are to come, some even greater than my own. Be prepared, and take this jar of dirt with you--"
Suddenly, the remaining rabid hedgehogs swallowed everyone.
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Did you enjoy this? Well, I didn't either. I told you I was bored.
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