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The Little Dancer, Edgar Degas
The Little Dancer, Edgar Degas
by oboemagic_1414 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 9, 2007
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Horsefeathers

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:37 pm    Post subject: Horsefeathers Reply with quote

"Wanna see something cool?" Roscoe asked.

"Define 'cool'," Llewelyn said.

Suddenly, Roscoe was gone, replaced by a jet-black horse with rippling wings.

"Holy cow!" Llewelyn shrieked, jumping back.

"Holy horse, actually," Roscoe said, human again.

He shrugged and gave a characteristic flip of his bangs.

Llewelyn found it hard to close her mouth. "H-how did you do that?"

"I can do half-and-half too," Roscoe said.

Llewelyn's blue eyes grew huge as her boyfriend's wings shot like weeds from his shoulder blades. The feathers were sloppy and bent, growing all over the place, but glossier than glass.

Roscoe flipped his bangs. "Intimidating, aren't I?"

"Happy Halloween?" Llewelyn asked weakly.

He shook his head. "I'm the real deal, baby."

Llewelyn fainted. When she came to, she was lying face-up in the pasture, so still that a small green lizard had settled between her breasts.

She leaped to her feet and got a major headrush.

"Ugh," she moaned.

A soft whicker nudged her ears.

She turned to see Roscoe, her black pony, trot towards her. "Hey, boy," she said. "I just had the weirdest dream."

Roscoe's eyes twinkled. He stared straight at her.

Then, he flipped his bangs.

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Last edited by Fangala the Flying Feline on Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Kyte   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
God! *hurts ches* that's funny!

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
That was cool! I like stories where dreams and reality coexist in a kind of creepy way!

However, there are a lot of grammalical errors and typos that make me think you haven't edited it Wink

Quote:
"Wanna see something cool?" Roscoe asked.
"Define 'cool'," Llewelyn said.
Suddenly, Roscoe was gone, replaced by a jet-black horse with rippling wings.

This needs to be spaced out. And also, make the moment that he turns into a horse more dramatic.

Quote:
"Happy Halloween?" Llewelyn asked weakly.

For some reason, that made me laugh when I read it. Very Happy

Quote:
A soft whicker nudged her ears.

Whisker, not whicker. A typo.

I think you should make Llewelyn's reaction more realistic. I don't know, but if my friend just turned into a big black horse... I'd be pretty scared.

So work on that. I think this piece should be longer. Right now you just have the bare minimum. Put in some descriptions... settings? Charactors? What do they look like?

Keep it up!

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
That was great. At first I was wondering why you were dumping us in the middle of a "guess what I've been hiding the fact that I'm an [insert monster here]."

I laughed so hard. XD Which isn't good, considering I'm in class. Excellent work!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Haha...hilariously cool...

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 12:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Very enjoyable. I liked the connection. My only fault is a lack of description of the Main Character. All we really nkow is that it's a girl, but other than that it's like looking at a hazy person. Perhaps try some sort of minor expansion to help us see her more clearly.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:19 pm    Post subject: Re: Horsefeathers Reply with quote
Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
"Wanna see something cool?" Roscoe asked.
"Define 'cool'," Llewelyn said.

You might want to put something here about how Roscoe has questionable tastes, or that Llewelyn had seen one too many things Roscoe thought were "cool." Something to that effect.

Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
"Holy cow!" Llewelyn shrieked, jumping back.

Understatement of the century. Put yourself in Llewelyn's shoes: imagine your best friend randomly turning into a horse. You would probably scream and cry and throw things, run away in terror, scream more, and quite possibly end up in therapy. It would be traumatizing.

Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
Llewelyn found it hard to close her mouth. "H-how did you do that?"

"I can do half-and-half too," Roscoe said.

That doesn't explain how he does it. It might be better if Llewelyn said nothing at all, just stood there, staring.

Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
Llewelyn's blue eyes grew huge as her boyfriend's wings shot like weeds from his shoulder blades. The feathers were sloppy and bent, growing all over the place, but glossier than glass.

Llewlyn's a masculine name. Any particular reason you gave it to a female character? (I thought she was a boy, until this point.)

Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
Llewelyn fainted.

This is pretty stereotypical female behavior. People rarely actually pass out from a surprise like that (it was the too-tight corsets of the era that gave birth to the idea that women fainted often and easily - which they did when they couldn't breathe properly.)


Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
A soft whicker nudged her ears.

This is really awkward. "She heard a soft whicker" would be more than appropriate. Try to avoid writerisms like this one.

Fangala the Flying Feline wrote:
She turned to see Roscoe, her black pony, trot towards her. "Hey, boy," she said. "I just had the weirdest dream."

Roscoe's eyes twinkled. He stared straight at her.

Then, he flipped his bangs.

The ending was really neat. Admittedly, it used the [i]Alice in Wonderland[i] cop-out, but it was still cute.

I think the whole thing could use a little more developing; the characters, Roscoe and Llewelyn could stand to be fleshed out more, and the concept could be expanded on.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I thought the story was pretty cool, but I do think that you need to dramatize your character's reactions a little more. Also, some more detail would be nice, but overall I really liked it.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Awwww I liked this.

It was a very cute and sweet story. Very nice to read.

I think you ended it perfectly. ^_^

Nice Job.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Woah, I wasn't expecting that. Great job!!

This really made me laugh out-loud.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 12:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
lol
I started laughing so hard when I read this...right in the middle of Computers class!
That is really a cool story! I loved it!
All of the grammatical errors that I noticed were already pointed out by Azila, but I agree with the Moogles person about the lack of description for Llewelyn. I had an image of her in my head but, you know.
I loved the fact that it was so random! Great connection between the boy and the horse!

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