Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Playing The Field - Chapter 11
Playing The Field - Chapter 11

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on October 7, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Field Trip
Field Trip Part 2
Field Trip Part 3
The Gifted and the Cursed Part Two
Midnight Darkness #2 part one
Midnight Darkness #2 part two
Midnight Darkness #4 part 1
Midnight Darkness #4 part two
Midnight Darkness #5 part two
Midnight Darkness #5 part three
Midnight Darkness #6 part two
Midnight Darkness #6 part three
Midnight Darkness #6 part four
Midnight Darkness #7 part one
Midnight Darkness #7 part two
Midnight Darkness #8 part one
Midnight Darkness #8 part two
Midnight Darkness #9 part one
Midnight Darkness #9 part two
Midnight Darkness #9 part three
Midnight Darkness #11 part one
Midnight Darkness #11 part two
Midnight Darknessv #11 part three
Midnight Darkness #14 part one
Cain Part One

Field Trip Part 1

Topic ID: 20683
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:06 pm    Post subject: Field Trip Part 1 Reply with quote

There was a headline in the newspaper on October 7th, 2006:

Killer Bus Driver!

This morning, shortly around 7:30 am, a bus suddenly disappeared when it was supposed to arrive at a field trip destination in Albany.

What ever became of this bus?

Local searchers have found the remains of a school bus, destroyed, but it still had two- dozen teenager’s bodies in the seats.

The driver had mysteriously vanished.

The school officials have declared that the school bus driver’s name is Charles Hampton.

When searching through criminal records, police found that Charles Hampton had been to jail five times over the last ten years, and had a record of six kidnappings.

This man is still at large. If you see Hampton, report to your local police immediately.

Charles Hampton’s photo is on the New York Times’s website.

New York is usually very noisy and loud by 6:00 AM, but not at my street, and especially not at my house.

My house was dark and quiet. The only sound that you could hear if you walked in that silent morning was the soft snore, coming from my dirty bedroom. Clothes littered the ground, candy wrappers were dropped carelessly, but I didn’t care. Clean was for geeks.

On my bedroom door, there was a sign that I had put up a few weeks ago, that read, “Nick’s room: Do not enter.”

But of course, these kinds of signs do not ward off any annoying little sisters, but hey, I tried.

There I was, lying on my bed, the dark green blankets and sheets all wrapped around my body. The alarm clock that was right above my head read: 5:59.

I shifted, just as the continuous and annoying sound of: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! woke me up.

I grumbled some inaudible words to myself, and rolled out of bed.

Today was not a day I was looking forward to. In fact, it was on the bottom of my list of things I wanted to do. Yeah, of course it is always fun to go on field trips, but today, we were going to the Niagra Falls.

And, I was going for the freaking ninth time! Enough is enough!

I was walking past my parents’ room, when I heard the faint whisper, “Nick? Nick? Are you there?”

I sighed, knowing that my mom wanted to say goodbye.

“Yeah, Mom, I’m here.”

“I, uh, put the field trip permission slip on the table.”

“Ok, Mom.”

“Have fun.”

“Ok, Mom.” I was starting to get frustrated. She always was like this, every single day! She always told me to –

“Be safe.”

“Alright, Mom! I get the point!”

“Ok…see you after school.” She whispered, and then a faint snore told me that she had fallen back asleep. I rolled my eyes.

I quickly took a shower, brushed my teeth, threw on some partially clean clothes, and headed out the door, into the gray, misty New York morning.

It had rained last night, and so it was really chilly. I was still freezing cold, even with a black hoodie!

I lived in the suburbs. My parents have always wanted to live in the Big Apple, but guess what? Yeah, you got it. We got stuck in the suburbs.

The bus came to a stop and I got on. The steps were slippery, and Tracy, the girl in front of me almost slipped. She laughed in embarrassment and continued up.

Tracy was this girl that I have known for about all my life. Everything about her, from her dark brown hair, to her light green eyes just made me fluster. I don’t know if she knew it, but I sorta liked her. Wait, no, not liked, it was kind of more than that. I couldn’t really tell if it was love, or just a huge crush on her.

Anyway, she clambered up the stairs, smiled at the bus driver, and turned to sit in an empty row. I followed her, but two people were between us.

“Hey, Trace!” I called to her. She looked up and smiled.

“Hey, Nick.”

“Can I, uh, sit here?”

She looked down at the seat next to her. She blushed. “I, uh, I’m saving this for someone.

Rejected!

“Oh, ok…” I said, trying to fight back the urge to cry.

“Can I sit next to you, Tracy?” a boy named Michael said to her. I turned around and saw Tracy nod, and Michael smiled evilly at me. I stared at him; my face red with anger, and then turned and went to the back of the bus.

Double Rejected!

My history class was first period, and that was my class that was going to be having the field trip to the Falls. My teacher, Mrs. Mitchell, was explaining the safety precautions that we would have to take around the Falls, and I paid no attention. I put my black history binder on my desk, and texted with my red flip phone. Mrs. Mitchell never noticed. She never does. This is where I can find some peace and quiet and just text my bud, Austin Jackson. Austin was in his history class with Mr. Stevenson. He would also be going on the field trip today, and we are in the same group.

I smiled as I read:

R U GONNA ASK SAM OUT?

Samantha Gerber was this girl that was sitting in a row behind me. She was totally hot, and most every boy in school had been falling for her for years. Right now, as far as I knew, she had no boyfriend.

I texted back:

MAY B SUMDAY WHEN SHE NOTICES ME

I knew that was a complete lie. I knew that if I covered up that I liked Tracy and said I liked Samantha, then he wouldn’t ever figure it out.

I shut my phone and looked up. Everyone had risen from their desks and leaving the class. Apparently, Mrs. Mitchell was done explaining. We headed for the door, and then out into the hallway. I quickly opened my phone and texted:

MEET AT MAIN HALL

When Austin came to meet me, I noticed that he held his phone in his hand, carefully hidden away from teacher’s prying eyes. I smiled. Austin and I had been friends ever since I could remember, and I don’t know how I could have gotten through algebra without him.

When we exited the building, we turned right, still talking about how hot Samantha is, and how dumb it was that I had to go a ninth time to Niagara Falls.

“I mean, every person that lives in New York had been there at least three times,” I said.

Austin nodded and then hurriedly looked behind him.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s Jennifer!”

I laughed and turned around. Yeah, there was that U-G-L-Y chick that Austin has been falling for for years. Jennifer was this girl with huge buckteeth, and huge bug-eyed glasses. She talked like she had something stuck up her nose, and often drooled. I had no idea how Austin could fall for a girl like that. He must be like a complete nerd.

“I just…I just don’t see what you can like in her!” I said. Austin gasped and said, “Oh my gosh! She got on bus 231! C’mon let’s get on that one! Hurry!”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me towards bus 231, but I pulled away.

“No way! Tracy and Samantha got on bus 99! I am going there!” I yelled.

Austin glared at me. “Fine! Have it your way!” Then he stormed off the bus 231.

I laughed and turned to face bus 99. I sighed and then ran to it. The bus driver smiled at me. Surprisingly, it was a guy. I mean, it’s not like guys can’t drive buses, it is just usually girls who do it, you know?

Anyway, I looked back and saw that Tracy was sitting next to Angie, her best friend, in the emergency exit door. I looked down and tried not to meet her eye. When I passed her row, I looked up for Samantha. She was sitting in row 20. And it was just her.

I walked up to her. “Hey! Uh, I can please sit with you?”

She looked at me. There was an awkward silence. She looked at me and then looked down my legs, and then to my shoes. She sighed and said, “Sure.”

I gasped. Only a couple times had I ever been accepted to sit by a girl! Especially a really hot girl!

I quickly slid into the seat.

“So,” I said, “what’s up?”

“Not much, just the same old, same old.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s usually how everything is.”

Gosh, I sounded like an idiot.

“Yeah…” she replied.

Then she put her hand in her pocket and pulled out her bright pink cell phone. She flipped it open and started to text.

I felt rejected again.

I sighed and looked up towards the front of the bus. The bus driver was staring vacuously into the driver’s window. His face was blank, but his eyes were clouded. He had really untidy black hair, and it looked like he had just rolled out of bed. But then, I thought, he probably did. I ignored him and looked back at Samantha.

“So, uh, how do you like school?” I asked.

She didn’t answer.

I shut my mouth and tried not to sound like a complete fool.

I pulled out my cell phone, just as the bus began to move. It was about time too!

I opened up the unread text messages and found one from Tracy. I eagerly opened it:

I M SRRY BOUT THIS MORNING ON BUS. I DIDN’T MEEN TO AFFEND U OR ANYTING. WILL U PLZ NT B MAD AT ME?

I smiled and looked at Tracy. She was talking to Angie. I yelled to her, “Hey, Trace! I forgive you!” I laughed.

She turned around and smiled. “Thanks,” she mouthed.

I smiled and looked back at Samantha. She was still texting.

“Who are you texting?” I asked.

“My boyfriend.”

Those two words hit me like a ton of bricks. She had a boyfriend? Since when?

“Oh…” I replied.

There was another awkward silence, and I sighed. I pulled out my red cell phone and texted to Austin:

WAT R U DOING?

A couple of seconds later, I got the reply:

TALKING TO JEN.

I shook my head. Gross!

The bus turned on the highway. We were now traveling further and further away from school and nearer to the Falls.

I had put my phone in my pocket. Austin had stopped texting me, and Tracy never talked to me again. Now I am sitting next to the silent Samantha, whose fingers were still flying away on her phone.

How could someone text that fast?

I leaned back to see if I could read what she was writing, but then I heard a loud BANG! that echoed throughout the whole bus. It seemed like an explosion had erupted inside. Many people screamed out in surprise.

Samantha and my head’s both jerked up to the front of the bus. And then it hit me.

The bus driver was pointing a small, handheld gun at Mrs. Mitchell, who was sitting in the front seat. I heard Samantha drop her phone.

The bus driver shot again at Mrs. Mitchell, and this time, more people screamed. Mrs. Mitchell slowly fell to the floor of the bus. I heard a girl in the front of the bus scream and start to bawl. The bus driver quickly pulled over to the side of the highway and stopped.

He put his right arm that was holding the gun at a right angle. Everyone in the bus stared at him; all was silent. I felt deadly chills climb up my back, and into my neck. I knew what was happening. We were going to be kidnapped and then killed. And then once we were all dead, the police would never find out bodies and then—

Terrifying images flashed through my mind.

The bus driver took off his seatbelt and pointed the gun at the passengers. Many screamed, but I kept quiet, too stunned to speak.

Samantha froze. She didn’t know what to do.

“Now everyone,” the bus driver said very, very loudly, “will put their cell phones, Ipods, and all other electronic devices in this here bucket!”

The bus driver held up a big bucket in his hands.

“If you choose not to cooperate, I will be forced to shoot and kill you.”

I gasped. My cell phone was in my pocket. Would he notice it? If he didn’t then I could call 911. But if he did—

“Put it in the bucket!” he roared at a girl in the front seat. She screamed and fumbled with her hands. “Give it to me!”

Samantha suddenly looked down, and grabbed her cell phone that she had dropped. She put it in her pocket.

The bus driver ripped it from girl’s hands that was sitting up front, and pointed the gun at her head. She screamed as loud as she could.

Suddenly, there was another explosion that came from the gun, and the girl that fumbled with the phone dropped to the floor of the bus, dead.

“I AM NOT JOKING AROUND HERE! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!” the man roared at the top of his lungs.

This is not the entire story, it is just the beginning. Please critque my story until you can't any more, and I will post the rest!!!



Last edited by BigBadBear on Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:56 am; edited 6 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Lindsaroo   View This User's Portfolio
is New
Speaker of the Forum

155
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 729
Reviews: 155
Country: California, USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...Woah. That's some field trip...

Ok, I must say that I really liked this. And I don't usually read a lot of the stories that are posted on here. But this one caught my eye and I'm glad I read it. One thing that bothered me though was:

Quote:
“Oh, ok…” I said, trying to fight back the urge to cry.


He was going to cry? You really didn't show that he cared so much about this girl that just a simple "I'm saving this seat for someone" would be so hard on him. And by reading this you'd expect that he'd have a worse reaction to when Samantha said she had a boyfriend. But he just says it was a blow to him. I felt like he was just saying it with no emotion behind the words at all.

All in all, it was a nice read, and I'd love to read the next part. I just really hope it isn't one of those "The bad guy shoots everybody and then runs" type of things. I've actually written stuff like that before and it's not something anyone wants to read. But by reading your first part it doesn't look like it will turn out that way. And that's a good thing. Good luck!



Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

_________________
August 20th, 2008 - I found God.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok! Ty! I will be sure to change that! Ty for your comments and stuff!!!

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Teague   View This User's Portfolio
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum

483
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2016
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
350 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there! This is much better than what you posted before. Wink

Anyway, this has potential! The only problem is the fact that it feels rushed. You use a lot of short, choppy sentences. Also, there's a lot of action and not much time for description. Slow it down! You don't need to rush. What you need is to establish a base story line, establish an emotional connection between your characters and your readers, and tell the story. But remember: pure action does not a good story make. What really ropes in readers and makes something exceptional is description and emotions. Think of it like fishing; you have to have good bait to get the fish to bite.

Try putting in some more setting and describe what the characters are feeling- use powerful descriptive words! But be careful to avoid an info dump, because that does the exact opposite and slows down the action too much. You want a nice, steady pace. Right now you're running. You want to be walking at a reasonable rate.

Also, your intro is a definite killer. It's like opening an academic essay with that; bad. Very bad. An intro should hook the reader subtly, not address them openly. Try opening a few of your favourite books and seeing how they introduce things; that should get you started. Wink

You definitely have potential- you just need to refine it. You're doing things a lot of new writers do. It'll clear up with time. Smile

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
canislupis   View This User's Portfolio
Hello!
Speaker of the Forum

341
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 341

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with the pirate.Smile

I love the idea of taking a newspaper heading, and then writing a story about it. Like Razorblade said, this definitely has potential. Your writing is also very sound; I couldn't find very many mistakes. PM me if you decide to post more of this, I really liked it.

_________________
Check out my contest! http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31705.html

We do not inherit the land from our ancestors, but borrow it from our children.

~Native American proverb
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
Master of the Forum

263
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 1075
Reviews: 263
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. Where to begin?

Definatley listen to good razor. Slow down. A story is not written for the plot nor the action, but rather for character development. If your readers don't care about the character, they don't care about the story. Take some time to describe your setting, as well. Flesh out the scene. Use metaphors and similes. Write, in other words. Take pride in how you tell the story, not the story itself. Plot is last on the list most of the time.

As razor said, your first paragraph is terrible. This isn't an essay! And even if it was, beginning any piece of writing in question form is something you did in fifth grade. It's a cop-out. It means you didn't take enough time to actually plan out your story. Your second paragraph ain't so hot either. You do a lot of telling. October 10th, Sam Gerber, and BEEPs all before I even know the name of your MC. Cool it, jets. In my opinion, revamp the entire beginning, add some more colorful description, and try to avoid cliche onomonpia (is that how you spell that?), like BEEP and BANG later on in the story.

Your character has an abundance of personality, I'll give you that. I could immediatly envision him. Your writing voice is good too. You don't get caught up in the snobby details, you're down to earth and truthful. Be careful though. Such voice can really get on one's nerves Wink .

I like the dialogue in this piece as well for the most part. You did a good job of capturing adolescent awkwardness.

Anyways, nice to have you onboard!

-Kylan

_________________
"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
EnchantressMuffin   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

193
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 427
Reviews: 193

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 12:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I said I'd critique, and here I am.

First off, I liked how you started the story with a newspaper article. I do think that the article, in and of itself, could use some fleshing out. Did you ever see an article in the newspaper that sparse? Exactly.
Also, I think it'd be a good idea to italicize the article, and chunk out the spaces between it and the beginning of your story. It makes for a cleaner read, and it's more professional-looking.

Quote:
6:02 am. Man, time flies when I sleep. It seemed like just a minute ago that I had turned out the lights to sleep.


You overused "sleep" here. It may seem like a small thing to be nitpicky about, but it makes for a jolting read to see words too much (sort of like my overuse of "article" in the earlier bit of this critique).

In my opinion, your writing style was a little tough to read, with a lot of short, jolting sentences and sparse descpriton. I think you should flesh out your story a little; like the previous reviewers said, it's pretty bare.

Quote:
“Hey, Trace!” I called to her. She looked up and smiled.

“Hey, Nick.”

“Can I, uh, sit here?”

She looked down at the seat next to her. She blushed. “I, uh, I’m saving this for someone.

Rejected!

“Oh, ok…” I said. I felt my face flush.

“Can I sit next to you, Tracy?” a boy named Michael said to her. I turned around and saw Tracy nod, and Michael smiled evilly at me. I stared at him; my face red with anger, and then turned and went to the back of the bus.


From the way you've been vaunting the virtues of Samantha from the point of view of Nick, I think that either he's going to hook up with her at the end of your story, or there's a strange description of feelings that should not be there.
Because unless he's harboring secret feelings for Tracy, he shouldn't be so unhappy that she's saving a seat for someone else. It's just a seat with a girl that he's not even crushing on.

Quote:
I laughed and turned around. Yeah, there was that U-G-L-Y chick that Austin has been falling for for years.


When I read this, I couldn't picture her at all. I think it'd be a good idea to describe Jennifer, show why Austin thinks she's gorgeous and Nick thinks she's ugly.

Oh, and that bit with the buses. I liked that. It was adolescent and juvenile and great. It really captured the moment. Great job. Very Happy

As for the rest: it was pretty obvious from the article and the title that the bus driver would be on whatever bus Nick took. Maybe that's what you were driving at? I don't know.

Oh. And why would they have to give up their iPods? Is there a song called "Oh My God, The Bus Driver Killed Me" on all their iPods that they could put up so that they would know for certain?

So, I've gone on waaay too long on this, so let me just wrap it up by saying that I thought this was a fantastic concept and I can't wait to read part two!

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin (who when she gives a crit, gives a crit Wink)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2007 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Thanks, guys, for reviewing my stuff. And the part about the cell phones and Ipods...they were taken away because the kids could call the police with phones, and I just don't like Ipods so I made them be taken away...just kdding!


anyway, thanks!!!

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
look! it's Poe!
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1698
Reviews: 611
Country: USA
993 Points

PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 4:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, again, thanks for reviewing my work. It has made me TONS better. Thanks for taking your time to help me!

Any more comments would be appreciated!


BBB

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Acoustic Sensitivity   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

96
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 21 Dec 2007
Posts: 150
Reviews: 96
Country: Sydney, NSW
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 5:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, an absolute thriller. It reminds me of Die Hard and the movie of Sandra Bullock and Keannu Reeves called, Speed. At first, it starts like another teen movie but during the middle and last part that is when it becomes good. Four thumbs up! (Including my toes...)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1323
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5272
Reviews: 1323
Country: England
590 Points

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is very well thought out. I love the plot you're working with and your main character has a very good natural voice but I think you need to work on some of the others just a touch more. Especially the bus driver. Slow it down as the others have said and spend more time on character and scene description. Also, what does the driver say as your persona gets on the bus? You could show a lot of character through that. For example, they usually say 'hello' or something equally simple but perhaps yours says 'have a safe journey' or 'enjoy your ride.' Something quite ironic.

Then there's your dialogue. Most of it is excellent but again, I'd say the driver is a little out. He doesn't seem at all unstable but neither is he strong and powerful in the way he speaks. What sort of killer do you want? Probably someone tough and in control from the way he acts so have him speak in brisk, short sentences. Have him quite militant perhaps?

Then there's the killings. I want the teacher's death to have a greater impact. Don't allow her to be such a background character in the earlier scene. Bring her into the story more. Make the students love her or hate her but don't have them neutral towards her or your readers will be too. And I think slowing down all the murders would help. Just take a little time to describe it more. Have your characters closer to the front of the bus so they can see more. Or maybe, to make an example, he drags one of the victims to the middle of the bus before killing him/her.

Just a few things for you to think about. In general, this was well written and it has the potential to be a great novel. Here are a few small suggestions -

There I was, laying on my bed, the dark green blankets and sheets all wrapped around my body.

“Ok[color=red]ay
, Mom.” [That's the trouble with abbreviations. People forget to use the full words in their professional writing. Try to remember and look through, you used 'ok' quite a few times.]

She always was like this, every single day! [I think 'She was always...' sounds better but that's down to personal opinion.]

“Ok…see [An ellipse requires a space after it before 'see'.] you after school.” [A comma and a small letter for 'she' would work much better here.] She whispered, and then a faint snore told me that she had fallen back asleep.

The bus came to a stop [Quite ambiguous and plain so maybe the bus trundled to a stop or jerked to a stop or something that just adds a little more.] and I got on.

The steps were slippery, and Tracy, the girl in front of me almost slipped. [Try not to use slippery and slipped. Instead, here's a great opportunity for you to describe that the steps are wet with muddy footprints. Add some more detail.]

I couldn’t really tell if it was love, or just a huge crush on her.

Mrs. Mitchell never didn't noticed. She never does.

She was totally hot, and almost every boy in school had been falling for her for years.

Everyone had risen from their desks and were leaving the class.

When Austin came to meet me, I noticed that he held his phone in his hand, carefully hidden away from teacher’s [You need to use teachers' for plural.] prying eyes.

“Fine! Have it your way!” Then he stormed off to the bus 231.

She was sitting in row 20 twenty.

And then once we were all dead, the police would never find out our bodies and then—

“I AM NOT JOKING AROUND HERE! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!” [Full caps is really unnecessary and it's more professional to just use an exclamation mark and then describe through voice tone and action how mad and loud he is.]

_______________________
Overall, a great start here that just needs slowing down and tidying up a bit. Good work.

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
~Lashes~   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

27
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Dec 2007
Posts: 44
Reviews: 27

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad I don't ride a bus or go to feild trips that often! This sacred me. It was really good. I liked how you described how disgusting Jen was. lol. I thought it was funny.

I loved it. You always write the best!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kinzygirl223   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

60
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 67
Reviews: 60
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 11:29 pm    Post subject: WOW Reply with quote

Wow.
Intense.
I really liked it i cant wait to read the rest of it.
It had a good characteristic that keep me interested.
I loved it.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MidnightVampire   View This User's Portfolio
Lauren did it!
Novelist

139
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 08 Dec 2007
Posts: 475
Reviews: 139
Country: lost in my book
368 Points

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok, i read the second on for the contest, and I decided that I liked it so much that I'd read the first part! Ok, I really really liked this. Um... I know this really wont help you.... and being harsh would help you more. I can't say anything mean about it. I loved it!

_________________
I'll sleep in December
Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ThanatosPrinciple   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

36
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 55
Reviews: 36
Country: England, France, Itlay and Germany
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:53 pm    Post subject: Weird field trip Reply with quote

This was so good! It was REALLY scary too, I really liked it. I don't have much to critique, however. It was very well written. I'm going to read the next few chapters to find out what happened next.

:thud: It was SOO cool I'm going to recommend it to everyone!

_________________
With this magical drrrink I shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwhahahaha!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 7, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 7, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society