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sokool15
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 Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:48 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 22 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:55 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Aisho
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: |
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Nooo tell her tell her tell her!!! D:
There's a few grammatical mistakes, but due to time constraints (grr!) I'm just going to say that they're there -- someone else can nitpick. :]
I quite enjoyed this chapter ... I love how he's so enormous but so light -- it's like the ultimate paradox. "What d'you mean, you're only 115 lbs? You look like a whale!"
lol
~ aisho |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 12:51 am Post subject: |
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| Brad crouched on his perch, glad of the thick feathers covering his wings and glad that his wings were large enough to wrap around his entire body |
Here's some nitpicking  .
Aww! Okay, I'm horrible at romance, but Brad's whole anti love thing is kinda weird. Maybe you should add a little part in there where he decides that love is bad, and that's why he supresses it. You have to admit, most people want love, and you have to give the reader a reason (or at least hint at a reason) why Brad doesn't want love.
Besides that, good job! Keep it up!
-Me |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! I really liked this chapter - your descriptions are brilliant as always and the plot wasn't as action packed as usual but the relationships are all developing well. I think you cancel out the possibility of Kiera liking Tulan too soon and too precisely. You don't want to move such a brilliant piece of conflict before it's even started so sure us Tulan from both perspectives. Perhaps write about the walk he and Kiera went on and have it from her point of view and have her enjoy speaking to him and being with him.
Other than that, your dialogue is good though I think Brad would be more subtle about his dislike of Tulan in Kiera's presense. There again, he's your character so I'm sure you know him best. Here's a few little suggestions -
"He's not the sort of person to abandon a girl on the other side of the kingdom!" exclaimed Kiera laughingly. [Perhaps instead of 'laughingly' you could have 'with a light hearted laugh' or something. I think that would sound smoother and more natural.]
Um, let me welcome both of your you to my home for the evening!
There had been ample time to think about that during the flight... how his breathing quickened when she was pressed against him and how he noticed every little movement she made, her warmth and the simply overwhelming effect of her presence on him.
Brad gasped as if a fresh breath of cold air had made it's its way into his lungs.
Brad woke suddenly the next morning to the bright mid-morning sun and the realization that he was in love.
"It's near mid-morning," replied Kiera.
He flew back up to the top of the tree and lifted his weapon belt off, buckled it onto his chest and landed in front of Kiera again.
Lifted [A little awkward. Perhaps 'Lifting high into the air, they left...' would be better?] high into the air, they left the little village behind and continued along their route, sweeping quickly over fields of wheat, grain and corn and heading toward the Crane mountains.
Overall, very well written as always with memorable characters, an interesting plot and some detailed descriptions. Perhaps a little more imagery for the scenery could be added but in general, an excellent piece of work. Well done! |
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