Topic ID: 2050
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neonshorty
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 Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 4:49 am Post subject: The Revenge of The Raven |
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In the depth of midnight
When the darkness swallows the moon
A bird soars above, he is called The Raven
His feathers shine with a green tint
His claws sharper than knives
He turns his head, below him something moves
He crows loudly and dives into the trees
His prey, a mouse, sits frozen in fear
He sees himself in his murderers yellow eyes
The Raven, talons flexed, is inches from the mouse
The claw hits the mouse, ripping the skin
But still the mouse scurries into the dark
The Raven cries in defeat and returns to the sky
He spends all his nights long after searching
And yet the prey is gone
He waits for his moment
His revenge |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
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| Posted: Fri Mar 25, 2005 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! I love this poem. Its very descriptive and it tells a story. Not many poems can do that but you pulled it off. Well done!!!!     |
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Darkmoon158
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| Posted: Sat Mar 26, 2005 12:59 am Post subject: |
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| I agree with Lollipop you did so good Neonshorty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and please visit Neonshorty's blog! Someone, anyone, please I beg you. |
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neonshorty
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| Posted: Sun Apr 03, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: |
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| Thanx guys. And someone visit Darkmoon158's Blog please! lol |
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Liz
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| Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 8:41 am Post subject: |
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Good ideas and all, but just work on the delivery. You do slip into cliches now and then, such as:
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| His claws sharper than knives |
That's an extremely common simile. Try something refreshing. I really like the
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| When the darkness swallows the moon |
That really set the scene. Overall, nice work, just substitute some of the unoriginal lines for something more interesting. |
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PsyLynx
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| Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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| I do agree with Liz, loved the poem, can work on cliches. The only other thing was the ending...hmmm...I like what you said, just now how you said it. Like...it felt too...I don't know. I really don't. Sorry. |
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neonshorty
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| Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 3:00 am Post subject: |
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Well...I couldn't think of a metaphor for something sharp so that line was kind of as a last resort.
And I think I get what you are saying about the ending but I'm not totally sure.. |
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Mattie
"Dirty Pirate Hooker"
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| Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Good discriptions. I could picture the Raven in my mind which is good since you're talking about an animal and some people can't discribe things that well in a poem. |
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Sgt.Pepper
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| Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 12:19 am Post subject: |
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| Hey, good imagery! Nice story to. Keep on writing in the free world. |
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Ceylon
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| Posted: Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| You didn't have any rhymes, did ya? But who cares about rhymes, your story was so REAL!!! |
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juste essayer
La fin d'ordinaire, et vous ne verriez pas ce que vient.
Comment bon il s'avérera être.. |
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