Topic ID: 20368
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kittykat_luva
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
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Country: Orbiting around Pluto
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 Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 8:33 am Post subject: Follow me |
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Yeah I was bored and had nothing to do. I know it has no punctuation and grammar, please don't bug me about it. YAnd I know it doesn't rhyme.
Come with me
My love
Through my world of the darkness unknown
We shall mark our path with breadcrumbs
And flesh
So not to loose our way
Through my labyrinth of bones
Come with me
My love
To my midnight garden
Where no flowers bloom
But roses weeping
Tears of your own
Blood
Take my hand
And with me dance insane
Through the hopes
And wishes
Of the dead
Don’t look back
Don’t stop
It’s getting colder
Come with me
My love
Deeper, deeper we must go
Now love follow me deeper still
And dark
To the gingerbread house
Be mine forever
In the night
Screaming my
Name
To the
Dead
Till never
Aah I was bored, and when I'm bored... well lets just say I was bored. |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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318 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 8:39 am Post subject: |
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OMG! I loved it Ari. There was so much feeling. I didn't understand the last bit, screaming my name to the dead? Shouldn't it be to the death?
It's great how you've mixed fairytales with grusome bloody horror. |
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Rigel
Senior Writer
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Country: Third star in Orion, and straight on at the speed of light for 800 years.
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Why is it that bored people always write really emo poems? |
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de Winter
Novice
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Age: 18
Joined: 27 Sep 2007
Posts: 7
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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Boredom occurs in school, and school makes anyone want to slit their wrists- how's that for an explanation?  <omg it's robin hood
LOVED that poem- the allusion was really cool. i like the contrast between the innocent story and the dark and mature theme of the poem itself; it makes the poem all the more... outstanding  |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 1:33 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, this was quite good =D
Some small issues come in the line "and flesh" after the breadcrumbs, it seems out of place, and completely unneccesary. Though I may be wrong, hehe.
I also think that you could, quite easily divide this into stanzas, it would make it easier on the eye as well as on the flow of the poem, showing the changes thoughout the meaning... and I have no real idea what I am going on about ne?
I think that this is a quite lovely poem, just a few little fix ups might be wanted.
Much talent I can see 
*hearts* Le Penguin. |
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