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My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me
My Rant About How Stephenie Meyer Annoys Me

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Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 23, 2007
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Caelestis: Keeper's Throne (Chapter one: Relucant leader)

Archer's Legend chapter three- What Dreams Reveal

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 2:26 am    Post subject: Archer's Legend chapter three- What Dreams Reveal Reply with quote

[pre:0213988a14]Note: If you haven't read chapters one and two yet, the links can be found in my signature.

Author name: AWritersFantasy

Title: Archer's Legend chapter three: What Dreams Reveal

Rating: G or PG

Genre: Fantasy

Summary (if applicable): The continuing story of Kaliyah Pentalas.

Author notes: The only thing I'm unsure about is the barracks that are mentioned/come in to a scene towards the end of the chapter. I haven't done any research on them, but I'm not sure if what I was imagining/trying to describe is the same as actual barracks, especially in a medieval sort of setting. I think that was the only thing I was unsure about in this chapter. I thought of something else, too- the part where Kaliyah goes in to the camp where the barracks are is kind of iffy to me, because she sort of just waltzes right in, and I feel like I need to work on that a bit more.

Critique (yes or no)/critiquing notes: Detailed critiques are okay, but nothing pointing out grammar/spelling since I plan on dealing with that once this draft is finished. So basically, the usual rules for my writing.

“Hello, Archer.”

Weaver was standing in front of her. He wore his usual cloak, but the hood was pulled down, revealing his dark brown hair and deep blue eyes. His expression was firm and hard to read.

“Weaver. What are you doing here? And what is this place?” Kaliyah asked, glancing around the throne room before looking back at him.

“It’s an abandoned palace in Alaycia,” Weaver replied.

“So . . . this place actually exists? I’m not just dreaming about it?”

He nodded slowly, “Something like that.”

“Why won’t you give me a straight answer?” Kaliyah asked. “Why can’t you just tell me why you’re in my dream?’

“Wake up, and I will.”

Kaliyah bolted up from where she had been laying, breathing heavily. She looked around and found herself on the floor of the abandoned cabin she and Weaver had arrived at only a few hours before. Weaver was standing by the window, having taken the first watch.

She pushed the few blankets they had found off and stood, walking over to where he stood. It was night out, but the light of the moon and fire place where a small fire had been lit touched Weaver’s face enough to illuminate it.

“Took you long enough to wake up,” Weaver said, not turning toward her.

“I just had the strangest dream . . . about a palace,” Kaliyah replied, scratching at the back of her neck as she tried to remember.

“In Alaycia,” he cut in. “Yes, I know. What you dreamt about was real.”

Kaliyah shook her head, “I don’t understand. It was just a dream. It wasn’t anything else.”

Weaver turned toward her, “No, it wasn’t,” he said. He sighed. “It’s a little hard to explain, but you won’t believe me otherwise.”

Kaliyah watched as Weaver walked over to the fire place. He put one arm on the mantle and used it to lean as he watched the fire dance in front of him.

“The Alaycian’s had this . . . magic ability they called “the Gift.” Not every Alaycian was born with it, but those that are have a number of magical abilities,” he began. “One of those is being a dream seer. Your dreams become realistic, like you’re actually there. You can see the past and present in them. Those with advanced training can sort of . . . insert themselves in to another person’s dream, though it’s something that should be done sparingly. It’s something that I do sparingly.”

Kaliyah listened as Weaver spoke, his words echoing in her head as she thought about what he was saying. If she hadn’t just dreamt what she had, she probably would have ran out of the cabin right then and headed back to Kalevi.

“So what I was dreaming about was a real palace, in the present,” she said.

“Yes. The palace was abandoned years ago when the Alaycian’s were being massacred. It’s one of the few buildings still standing, but has a lot of damage,” he answered.

“I’ve dreamt about the palace before,” Kaliyah said after a moment. “I dreamt about it last night . . . but I woke up just as someone said my name . . .”

“And you continued the dream just now,” Weaver said. “I hope you’ll forgive me for it, but I inserted myself in to your dream last night. Based on what your brother told us about you, there wasn’t going to be much that would convince you to come with us, and then stay to learn about the Alaycian’s. So I asked his permission to insert myself in to your dream and sort of . . . push you in to taking certain steps so that you would be more willing to come with us.”

Kaliyah narrowed her eyes as Weaver mentioned her brother. Where was he right now? Was he still alive? She hated not knowing, hated having to wait to find out.

“We should probably figure out what our next step should be,” Weaver said after a moment of silence. “It’s not going to be easy getting in to that prison, if that’s where they’re being taken. Unfortunately we do not have any allies to help us.”

“Where is this cabin, do you know?” Kaliyah asked.

“Somewhere between Mistfen and Endrak, the desert that the prison is in. Why do you ask?” he replied.

“My brother Kaldar is a soldier. His barracks are in Deirril. I don’t know how willing he’d be to help us, but I could try to convince him . . . he could go back to Kalevar and ask our brother Jasek to help,” Kaliyah replied.

Weaver seemed to ponder this for a moment. “It’s a bit risky,” he said. “But any help is better than no help at all. At least with your brothers helping, we might have more of a chance of surviving and rescuing the others.”

“How do we even know that they’re in that prison?” asked Kaliyah.

“It’s likely that they were outnumbered by the attackers. It’s not their style to simply kill those they’re after. Besides . . . I know because I used my abilities to find out,” Weaver said. “Go back to sleep. I’ll keep watch the rest of the night.”

Kaliyah started to reply, but closed her mouth and nodded slowly and walked back to where her blankets were. As soon as she laid down, her eyes closed and she fell asleep.[/pre:0213988a14]

-----------------

At someone's request, I've broken this up in to different sections all in this thread, so you'll have to scroll down a bit to read the next few sections.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh, this is so long! I don't really have time to read it all. Could you break it down into more, smaller chapters, and then PM me when you have? I'd like to continue with this, but at present it's a bit daunting. 'K?

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose I could, but I tend to forget to add on the next sections when I break it down. I did that at my message board with chapter two and then I posted chapter three...and then the two people who reviewed it were confused because I had forgotten to post the rest of the second chapter. I guess I'll try splitting it up in this thread, though, for you.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Section two
Please see author notes in the first post

[pre:0718f49853]
*****
The following day, Kaliyah and Weaver set off away from the cabin and toward Deirril, where Kaldar’s barracks were. Considering the last words her brother had said about her, Kaliyah wasn’t certain that Kaldar would be so eager to help them. Convincing him that Erabus was alive was also another issue.

Soon they came to a tall hilltop, covered with grass and flowers. In the middle of the hill was a single gravestone. Kaliyah watched as Weaver’s pace became faster and he walked toward the gravestone, kneeling before it. He reached one hand out and traced his fingers over the words carved in to the stone.

Kaliyah stood a few feet back from him, clasping her hands behind her as she watched Weaver. Weaver seemed to softly mumble something under his breath that Kaliyah could not hear.

After a moment, Weaver stood up. Keeping his back to her, he spoke. “This is my mother’s gravestone,” he began. “She died when I was five years old. My father took care of me by himself, and ended up joining the Righteous Knights when I was ten. When I was old enough, he made me join them as well. But then . . . well, I found out that I am half Alaycian, and so I left the Knights. I met Faran not long after that, and together we started looking for and gathering anyone who might be a descendant of the Alaycian’s so we can rise against the knights.” He turned toward her and took a few steps forward, looking in to her eyes. “I haven’t told anyone this, Kaliyah. Not anyone in the group.”

"Does your father know that you're a member of the outcasts?"

“Not at the moment,” Weaver shook his head slowly. “I’ve been careful enough that I’ve avoided him seeing me with them. It won’t be long until he knows, though, especially if we’re not careful when we go to the prison.”

“Then I guess we’ll have to be extra careful,” Kaliyah said with a small smile. “We should probably . . . start heading toward the barracks now.”

Weaver nodded, his eyes narrowing as he turned his head away and began walking down the hill on the other side of the gravestone.

The two walked silently for a while. Kaliyah didn’t have anything to say to Weaver as they continued their journey; her head was too riddled with thoughts and questions that had been left unanswered by her brother, who apparently didn’t have the faith in her skills she had believed him to have. Then again, Erabus had changed since the day she had last seen him, both physically and otherwise. One thing she would have to ask him was how he had gotten that scar below his eye.

After about an hour and a half of walking, Kaliyah looked ahead to see in the distance pointed tops of what seemed to be inhabitants of some kind. As they came closer, she realized they were tents, all set up in about four rows with a little space between them, and she knew she was at her brother’s barracks. She had only ever visited the barracks once, with Erabus.

As they came closer, Kaliyah looked for any sign of her brother. What would she say if the wrong person were to see them? Could they just waltz in to the barracks and not worry about the soldiers realizing they were strangers?

Kaliyah stopped in her tracks as they came a few feet away from the barracks, “Wait a minute,” she said. Weaver turned and looked at her, irritation obvious on his face. “Walking in to the barracks of soldiers like we’ve been here a billion times isn’t a good idea. We don’t want to get in trouble with the wrong people. I should go find my brother’s tent to see if he’s there, and then I’ll come and get you.”

Weaver tried to hide his rolling eyes as he turned back to look at the barracks. “Fine,” he said after a moment. “But hurry. We don’t have much time.”

Kaliyah didn’t say anything more before beginning her walk toward the barracks, looking at the soldiers she passed as she tried to remember where her brother’s tent was, and figure out where he would be at this time of day.

Think, Kaliyah, she thought. Kaldar told you what his days were like when you visited . . . you should have paid more attention. She looked around and saw a few soldiers sitting on a bench next to each other, eating some sort of slop out of bowls. The three of them glanced up at her as she passed, and she tried to walk as quickly as she could away from them so they wouldn’t pay any more attention to her. After about a moment, they went back to eating their food.

It was dinnertime, so it was likely Kaldar would be in his tent eating. Now she had to remember which tent was his . . .

She came to the fourth row of tents, and went to the back of the second one from the right. She kneeled on the ground and lifted the tent up, peeking her head in to the tent to look for her brother.

Laying on a cot with his shirt off was her brother. Seeing no one else in the tent, she crawled in and stood up, walking to the side of the cot to look down at him. His eyes were closed, and he snored softly. Trying to hold back a laugh, knowing how important it was for her to ask for his help, she sat on the edge of the bed.

“Kaldar?” she asked. He snored once. She poked him in the side with her finger, once, twice, three times.

Kaldar sat straight up, his eyes wide in surprise. He looked around his tent and then saw his sister sitting there.

“Kaliyah?” he asked. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s a long story,” she replied softly. She turned her head to look out the entrance of the tent, wondering if anyone could see or hear them. “Can you meet me somewhere? We need to talk, and I don’t have a lot of time.”

Kaldar rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from his sister. He then rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked at her after a moment. “Yes, I can meet you. Where?”
“By the edge of the woods at the back of the camp,” Kaliyah replied. “Wait until it’s dark so that no one will see us.”

“Why the secrecy? Why can’t you tell me what’s going on now?” Kaldar asked, his hand falling to his side.

Kaliyah sighed and glanced out the entrance of the tent before looking back at her brother, “You probably won’t believe this, but . . . Erabus is alive. He’s been alive all this time, he just . . . had to leave for a while.”

“What?” Kaldar’s eyes went wide. “Kaliyah, he’s dead . . . we never found him-“

“Exactly,” Kaliyah said. “We never found his body, but it didn’t mean we had to give up on him and take him for dead. I saw him today with my own two eyes. He’s scarred, but he’s . . . alive. The thing is that he’s in trouble. He and some others were captured, and we can’t get them out of the prison they were taken from by ourselves, so we came to ask for your help. I was hoping that you would ride home and get Jasek, and then come help us.”

Kaldar sighed, looking away from his sister for a moment. Kaliyah watched him, hoping he would see the pleading look in her eyes when he turned back to look at her.

He bit his lower lip as he looked back at her and nodded slowly. “All right, Kaliyah. I’ll do whatever I can to get away tonight and come meet you with Jasek. But neither of us will leave with you until you’ve given us a full explanation.”

Kaliyah shook her head and stood up, turning her back away from him as she spoke. “That’s not good enough, Kaldar,” she said. She turned back to look at him. “Erabus and the rest of them could be killed if we don’t do whatever we can to get there and save them. This is our brother we’re talking about. We all ready thought he was dead once . . . I don’t want to have to be the one to tell Mother and Father that he was actually alive but we were too slow to save him. I’m not going to lose him again, but I need your help. What that means is that you need to leave as soon as you possibly can, get Jasek, and bring him back to the meeting spot so that we can leave to go to the prison. Now . . . will you help us?”

“Yes, Kaliyah,” he replied in a half-whisper. “I’ll help you.”

After Kaliyah said her good-byes to her brother, slipped back out under the tent and weaved her way through the rows of tents, eventually moving away from the camp and back to where Weaver waited for her.

When she arrived, she found Weaver leaning against a tree with his legs crossed and his arms folded across his chest. He raised an eyebrow at her when he saw her return.

“Well?” he asked.

“He’ll help us. I told him to meet us here as soon as he can with Jasek,” she replied with a heavy sigh. “So now, we wait.”[/pre:0718f49853]
---------------
End of section two.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Section three[pre:8686c5134d]
******
It was nightfall when Kaliyah saw the figures of her two brothers walking towards where she and Weaver had been waiting for a few hours now. She had been sitting, leaning against a tree, watching for any sign of them while Weaver dozed off, despite his saying he wasn’t going to. She got to her feet and walked toward her brothers, a small smile on her face.

“Jasek, I’m glad you came,” she said. “You, too, Kaldar.”

“I only came because Kaldar made me. What’s this all about, ‘Liyah? Why are you so far from home?” He eyed Weaver, who had now opened his eyes but hadn’t moved from his position leaning against the tree. “And who’s this?”

“This is Weaver. Look, we don’t have a lot of time.” She looked at Kaldar. “Do you have horses we can borrow?”

“We can take at least two from the barracks, but that’s all I can get away with without anyone being too suspicious,” Kaldar replied.

“Weaver, hmm?” Both Jasek and Weaver eyed each other; Weaver raised his chin slightly, raising one eyebrow slowly as he looked down at the younger boy. To Kaliyah, it seemed as though they were both sending each other silent messages: from Jasek, it looked like he was saying “hurt my sister and I hurt you.” It was hard to tell what Weaver’s message was.

Clearing her throat as she stepped between Weaver and Jasek, she from her younger brother to her older one. “If you two will go retrieve the horses, we’ll leave as soon as we can and I’ll explain what little I know.”

Kaldar looked at his sister, grumbled beneath his breath and turned away, walking back toward the barracks with Kaldar not far behind him.

“Your brother doesn’t trust me,” Weaver said once they were out of hearing range.

“Why shouldn’t he?” Kaliyah asked, not turning to look at him.

Weaver didn’t answer. Kaliyah raised an eyebrow when she received no response, her head cocking to the side a little.

“He trusts your judgment, but doesn’t understand why you’re here with me,” he said after a moment.

“How do you know this?” she asked, turning to look at him now.

“I know what it’s like to be a brother to someone special,” Weaver said. “It didn’t take very long to figure that out when he was eyeing me. He looks up to you.”

Kaliyah didn’t reply. Instead, she watched as she waited for her siblings to come back with the horses. When they came, she walked to the side of one of the horses, stroking the side of its neck.

“We should get going,” she said. She put her left foot up in to the stirrup, then held on to the saddle as she used it to hoist herself up on to the back of the horse, taking the reins in to her hands. She watched as Weaver started to climb up behind her but Jasek moved in front of him, indicating with a tilt of his head that he wished to ride with her.

Kaliyah smiled softly before looking ahead and waiting until Jasek had climbed up behind her and Kaldar and Weaver were on their horse. She then kicked at her horse’s sides, sending him in to a trot and following behind Weaver and Kaldar’s horse.

After about an hour of riding, the sun had disappeared and the stars had come in to the sky. Kaliyah didn’t want to stop, but the horses needed to rest, and she owed her siblings an explanation as to why she had dragged them in to this mission. They slowed down when they came to a large meadow; Kaliyah slid off the horse once she had slowed it down, looking over to her brothers.

“We should set up camp here, that way I’ll be able to explain what it is we’re doing,” she said.

Weaver looked around the meadow; not too far from where they were was the edge of a forest. “I’m going to go collect some wood to build a fire,” he said.

Kaliyah waited until he was gone before moving to sit down, watching as the two horses began to graze. Across from her was a small rock big enough to sit on, and she watched as Kaldar moved to sit down on it, Jasek sitting next to him. He picked up a small twig and began twirling it between two fingers.

“What’s going on, Kaliyah? Why are you dragging us so far from home? And what’s this about Erabus being alive?” Kaldar asked.

Kaliyah sighed, her eyes narrowing to the ground, watching as the wind picked up and softly blew against the grass.

“I know you’re not going to believe this, Jasek,” she began. “I hardly believed it, and I didn’t really think Kaldar would believe it. But . . . yesterday, I was approached by a few men while I was in town. They asked me to go with them, and led me to a clearing in the forest on the outskirts of town. It was there that I met three other men . . . and one of them was Erabus. He’s changed, a little scarred, but . . . well. I punched him.”

Kaliyah looked up to see the reactions of her two brothers. Kaldar looked almost unsurprised, having heard the gist of this explanation only hours earlier. He raised an eyebrow slightly, but that was it. Jasek, however, blinked a few times and shook his head slowly.

“I can’t believe you punched him,” he said.

Kaliyah laughed, “Jasek, I just told you your own brother is back from the dead, and all you can say is ‘I can’t believe you punched him’? I grew up as a tomboy with three brothers; I’m not completely defenseless.”

“Well, no,” Jasek admitted. “It’s just . . . a lot to take in.”

“I know. Believe me, it felt good to punch him after the pain he put us all through . . . but the fact remains that he’s alive. Or rather, he is as long as the keepers of the prison keep him alive, which is why we need to get there as soon as we can,” she said.

Weaver returned at that moment carrying a stack of firewood. No one said anything as Kaliyah and Kaldar watched him put the wood on the ground and begin to build it so a fire could be made. Jasek didn’t seem to bother watching him.

“The other men that I met in the clearing are called . . . outcasts, I suppose,” Kaliyah began once more. “They’re only a spare few of the remaining Alaycian’s. Erabus wasn’t able to give me a very detailed explanation, but what he did tell me is that the Alaycian’s are a race that were massacred long ago . . . and we’re- you two, myself, Erabus, and (sister’s name here)- descendents of the Alaycian’s, from Father’s side of the family. I don’t know much about them, other than that they have magic abilities, obviously they look like humans.”

Kaldar shook his head, “Why didn’t Father tell us any of this if it’s true?”

“Because there’s a reason the Alaycian’s were massacred, Kaldar, for one thing. There was some political dispute, and the humans started a war against the Alaycian’s, which led to their massacre. Father probably couldn’t tell anyone, because if anyone in town who knew about the Alaycian’s found out, he’d be hunted, just like the outcasts are being hunted now,” she replied.

“So now Erabus and these other outcasts have been taken captive?” Jasek asked.

“Yes,” Kaliyah nodded. “Erabus wouldn’t let me stay to help fight them off . . . he told Weaver to get me away.”

Jasek looked up at Weaver, who stood silently near Kaliyah, his face emotionless.

“So you’re one of these outcasts, then, and not just some guy my sister met?” Jasek asked.

“Jasek!” Kaliyah said, looking at her brother.

“What?” he replied innocently.

Kaliyah shook her head, “Nothing.”

Clearing his throat, Kaldar spoke up. “So what next? We just barge in to this prison and tell them that they have your friends and our brother as their prisoners and we’d like them to be set free?"

“I wish it were that simple,” Kaliyah replied. She looked up at Weaver. “How heavily guarded is this place going to be?”

“Well, now that they have some Alaycian’s in their prison, they’ll probably have doubled the guard,” Weaver replied. “It won’t be easy for us to get in there, but at least with the four of us, two could distract the guards and two could go find the others and get them out of there. I doubt it will be that easy, though.”

“Of course not. Do you think they’ll be expecting us to rescue them?” Kaliyah said.

“They’ll be expecting me. But unless they’ve tortured information out of the others and they broke, they won’t be expecting the three of you, which is something we can use to our advantage,” he replied. “We’ll need to leave here early in the morning, when it’s still dark out so that we’re not so easily seen.”

No one spoke for a while, each of them having various things on their mind. Eventually Weaver took the first watch while Kaliyah, Kaldar and Jasek slept.[/pre:8686c5134d]

Aaand that's the last section.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very sound! Very Happy No grammer crit... *restrains self* Well, grammer aside - it wasn't too bad, actually - this was good. Dialogue fine, description fine, conflict good. Smile

I'd suggest having Jasek and especially Kaldar act more surprised that Erabus is still alive. It felt a bit too rushed: "Hey, bro, you know our brother? The one that was supposed to be dead? Well, he isn't." "Gee! Well, I never! What's the plan, sis?"

That's a bit exaggerated, but I think you're lacking in emotions and all there.

The bit in the barracks was alright, but...

Quote:
She looked around and saw a few soldiers sitting on a bench next to each other, eating some sort of slop out of bowls. The three of them glanced up at her as she passed, and she tried to walk as quickly as she could away from them so they wouldn’t pay any more attention to her. After about a moment, they went back to eating their food.


Very polite soldiers, methinks. Wink Rolling Eyes I'd expect more of a reaction - a strange girl walks past them. What're they going to think?


Just a few sentances that can be smoothed out in your second draft, like here:

Quote:
Kaliyah started to reply, but closed her mouth and [replace with comma] nodded slowly and walked back to where her blankets were.


Awkward wording.

Could you change the font? The one that you've put this up in is rather difficult to read, and the commas and ful stops are similar.


--

Good, apart from the ickle thingies above! Very Happy

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