Topic ID: 20217
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 937 Reviews: 393 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 216 Points
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 11:55 pm Post subject: Red Honey |
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In ecru tanks they travel through the lands
of roaring flax
in arsenic search of machines
that pump through crust hungrily.
The thunder echoes:
there is no rush of rain;
a soft reverberation at first,
brushing through the sand,
And then the massive machines cease
in the face of those Americas.
Clay-creased faces look up
to the tanks, turn the sky lime.
they stare with pixel eyes
and yell sepia words full of fear:
like a disease, it spreads.
The second rumble
ejaculated from the click of a rifle
in the brown hands, almost black
repeats itself until the tanks raise their own fire
and death onto the crashing machines.
The shots ring through the indigo air
until a first man dies in obsidian
falls back from the tank
crimson jetting out in all directions
a scarlet stream through buff sands.
Screaming—
it ain’t over yet—
tanks hacking into metal
bullets tearing white skin
the Arabs are fearless
but they are full of black
Fear.
While the families in rich Florida villas cross their pale fingers
over their 60 blaring inches of azure Mediterranean conflict.
They don’t know their men are off in the golden desert
in their little ecru tanks
still crimson from the fight,
red-turning-scarlet-turning-puce,
dead like the 8-year-old girl
the Egyptians or Pakistanis raped and killed.
But still all the Arab men are dead,
and all the American men are dead,
and the cars continue to roll
down Manhattan streets
the oil boiling in engines, smoke swirling to the sky.
All dead under sallow sun
because of our addiction.
The children and wives in puke-green huts,
still thinking the husband is pumping honey
from the ground. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away
Last edited by Gadi. on Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:27 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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Kyte
Official YWS hawk Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 Aug 2007 Posts: 857 Reviews: 391 Country: Somewhere in Florida 315 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:23 am Post subject: |
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| OMG, nearly spilled it there. What a great use of color! It's so emotional too. |
_________________ Principal: Today is Friday, April twenty-eighth.
Christopher: Fact!
Flying Solo |
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Fandilocks
Minxfrau. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 1350 Reviews: 368 Country: Cockaigne 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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In ecru tanks they travel through the lands
Of roaring flax
In search of arsenic machines
That pump through bistre crust hungrily. |
Love the color imagery here; really makes a statement, juxtaposing violence with blandness like that. Maybe too many adjectives, though? You have a great grasp of the use of strong verbs and nouns, but there's really no need to preface each with an adjective! Sometimes trimming off those adjectives can actually strengthen your verse.
| Quote: |
The thunder echoes
There is no rush of rain
A soft reverberation at first,
Brushing through the sand,
And then the massive machines cease
In the face of those ecru Americas. |
Your punctuation's a little wonky in this stanza. I'd suggest: a colon at the end of L1, and a semicolon at the end of L2; that should clarify the meaning. Also, I would completely scratch the word "ecru" out of the last line; you used it last stanza, and while normally that doesn't mean anything, to repeat such an odd word is going to distract the reader from your true meaning. I also think it strengthens it: "A soft reverberation at first, / Brushing through the sand, / And then the massive machines cease / In the face of those Americas." It has a nice rhythm, yes?
| Quote: |
Bole, creased faces look up
To the tanks, turn the sky lime
They stare with pixel eyes
And yell in sepia voices
Arabic words full of black fear
Like a disease it spreads. |
I like that you're trying to use more unusual words for the colors, and more evocative ones--but when your readers have to look them up, you're probably not doing yourself any favors. Maybe replace "bole" with a synonym? Ones I found that might be of use: clay, brick, rust, umber, terra cotta, etc. You need punctuation at the end of L2, as well; I'd suggest a period. Also, you've gone on another adjective binge here: really, your images are strong enough without drowning them like that! Give yourself some credit and stop using your thesaurus as a crutch. Here's a suggestion:
| Quote: |
Clay-creased faces look up
To the tanks, turn the sky lime.
They stare with pixel eyes
And yell sepia words full of fear:
Like a disease, it spreads. |
It's more concise, and--oops, I must go. I will return to this, promise. ^_^ |
_________________ A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 2707 Reviews: 788 Country: my locker 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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There are some parts at which I think it could be a little less prosaic and a little more poetic. For example:
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While the families in rich Florida villas cross their pale fingers
over their 60-inch blaring full color TV screen
of azure Mediterranean footage |
in the bolded part, I think you could say something like "60 blaring inches of azure Mediterranean footage. Then it's not as much of a straight -these are the facts- statement as a -this is what I see it as- statement. Something else to think about: do the people in Florida have pale fingers because they're too busy sitting inside watching TV to be tan, or was that just an oversight?
I think you could have done more with the color-imagery. It seems that it's just placed haphazardly as to what gets a special color and what doesn't; it might be stronger to make a statement of one side getting things described consistently with images like "puke green huts" and the other side with things described more with brighter colors like "azure Mediterranean footage". This is actually accomplished for a while, until "crimson jetting out in all directions/ a pink stream through buff sands/ screaming in sapphire" where the more military images were previously shades of black/brown.
By the end, I didn't know what you were trying to say. I see the point of people on both sides not knowing what's really going on, but I thought there might be something more? I think in general, things could be tighter. |
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