Topic ID: 20133
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
moosiegirl
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 28 Oct 2006
Posts: 119
Reviews: 35
Country: some elegant Masquerade lost in the ruins of time...
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:17 pm Post subject: Promises |
 |
|
i give to you
a promise made
from fate to fate
the game is played
the music slides on
note by note
we look for love
we live on hope
the bridge across
the waters wide
cannot hold back
the surging tides
beneath the falls
we sit and wait
to see what love
transforms to fate
and i will hold out friendship's hand
heart to heart and land to land
the larder's full
the pot is boiled
the plan is laid
the plot is foiled
the fire's set
the flames are high
the flags unfurled
against the sky
the war is joined
the bullet milled
the wound is open
blood is spilled
and hate is answered
fast by hate
the peaceful word
is spoke too late
still i will hold out friendship's hand
heart to heart and land to land
sill i will hold out friendship's hand
across the bridge, from land to land |
_________________
"I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom."
--Mel Brooks |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Posts: 1315
Reviews: 203
Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing*
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:26 pm Post subject: |
|
|
wow, this is really beautiful. you're only thirteen? i'm impressed. as far as critiquing goes, i HATE critiquing poetry too much, because if you critique too much you take away the person's voice. but i'll do a little bit...
"i give to you
a promise made
from fate to fate
the game is played
the music slides on"
i think the "on" at the end there is a little unnecessary. it sort of distracts from that beautiful rhythm. just a thought.
"the fire's set
the flames are high
the flags unfurled
against the sky"
you need an apostrophe with "flags"... i think "flag's" would be the proper puntuation.
"the peaceful word
is spoke too late"
i think you should take out the "is." again, its not really necessary. just "spoke too late" is fine. or, if you want to be really grammatical, maybe "spoken too late"?
again, BEAUTIFUL poem. |
_________________
"I am their lawyer, and THIS is my necktie!"
~iCarly
"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark. Begin at the beginning. Make some light." ~Kate DiCamillo |
|
| Back to top |
|
EnchantressMuffin
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 427
Reviews: 193
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey!
This was really good. I especially love this stanza:
"the bridge across
the waters wide
cannot hold back
the surging tides
beneath the falls
we sit and wait
to see what love
transforms to fate"
Really really great. The rhythm is fantastic, and the whole thing is very lyrical, almost like a song.
(Edit: Okay, now I feel really stupid for putting that. See, I accessed this bit from the main page, and didn't see that it was in the "Lyrics" section. My bad.)
On the punctuation end of things, I'm not going to be uber nitpicky. I'm just going to suggest that you toss in a period here or there, if you felt like it. It might help with the reading, which is a little bit difficult without knowing where you're supposed to stop.
And a quick thing: lyrical_sunshine, the way she has "flags" right now is correct, as the context she has it in is plural, and not possessive.
Thanky. 
And again, this was great. Keep it up (This is really the worst "advice" I could give, and yet, there it is...), and please PM me if you post any of your other poems!
Peace, love, cinnamon wax,
Muffin |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Musuko
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2007
Posts: 15
Reviews: 3
Country: Japan >.>
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 1:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Beautiful poem, t'was like a song! Maybe you should make it a song... |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Kim
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2007
Posts: 338
Reviews: 317
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
| what a beautiful poem, it hit home with me, maybe because i just lost a friend, and this poem fits it perfectly. you are very good, dont stop writing. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
