Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

The Rules of Writing

YWS Journal Now On Amazon!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
"Breathing"
"Breathing"

by Riedawriter23 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 18, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Musings in a Cemetery Rewrite
Topic ID: 20072
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
*is obsessed with shoes*
Speaker of the Forum

317
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 603
Reviews: 317
Country: If I told you, I'd have to...you know...reprimand you gently.
701 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:48 pm    Post subject: Musings in a Cemetery Rewrite Reply with quote

One never knows what could happen in a graveyard.

Ever since I was young, I remember frequenting the local graveyard nearly every day. Sometimes with my father or my mother, and other times all alone, I'd wander in its depths, discovering a new area every day.

A cemetery is considered an unusual place for a child to wander. Morbid, perhaps even sinister. Keeping death always one's mind is not a usual way to live, surely. But it was not a bad way for me. I enjoyed looking at the different stories that are carved on the cold marble. Families bought large plots of land for themselves, with epitaphs such as "Loving Mother" and "Our darling baby."

Tales of the past lay hidden in a cemetery. Here, a child was born and died the same day. There, a mother and newborn babe share a grave. Here an eight-year-old girl lays at rest. Here, a fifteen-year-old boy was put into the ground. How did it happen? One can't help but wonder.

When I grew up and came to the age where dreams of romance and adventure overtake childish dreams of ponies and candy, I didn't stop coming to the cemetery. Instead, I wandered the rough cement paths, imagining who I could meet with there. What a romantic place to find my true love.

A scene replayed in my head as I surveyed the familiar gravestone that represented a brave soldier who died in combat. Myself, wandering through the tall marble slabs that rise above the smooth grass. A young woman coming towards me. We would meet in the middle and laugh a little at the strangeness of wandering in a graveyard. We would continue to have chance encounters after that, at first only in the cemetery; then later in the grocery store; then again in a coffee shop. Friendship would slowly blossom into love.

Other scenes unfolded in my mind as well. One, I remember, began once again with me wandering in the cemetery. I would see a stooped, frail figure kneeling in front of a small, humble gravestone. Dainty blue flowers fall from a withered hand to the base of the stone, and tears run down a wrinkled cheek. I would walk forward - it is an old woman mourning the loss of her husband. It was so many years ago, but she still visits his grave every week and mourns him, and puts fresh flowers on his small stone monument. I would comfort her, and we would become friends. I would help her recover from the grief of her husband's loss, and attend her funeral when she joined the angels.

I still wander there, laughing at my dreams, yet hoping against hope that my dull, ordinary life will somehow exceed my expectations and send an extraordinary event into my life. I know it won't happen. I know it's impossible. I know things like that only take place in books.

But then, one never really knows what could happen in a graveyard.


_________________
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


Last edited by sokool15 on Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Myth   View This User's Portfolio
.: #_O :.
Epic Novelist

820
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 74
Joined: 23 Dec 2005
Posts: 3115
Reviews: 820
Country: Down a rabbit hole?
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Quote:
Ever since I was small, I remember frequenting the local graveyard nearly every day.


I know a lot of people use this but it should be ‘young’, especially if the narrator, in this case, is an adult/young adult and ‘small’ is something a child would use.

Quote:
Sometimes with my father, sometimes my mother, and sometimes all alone, I'd wander in it's its depths, discovering a new area every day.


Just a suggestion to avoid repetition: Sometimes with my mother or father, and other times alone [...] You’ll think of something better.

Also, see quote.


Quote:
Keeping death always on ones mind is not a usual way to live, surely.


Correction: one’s

Quote:
But it was not a bad way, for me. I enjoyed looking at the different stories that lay engraven on the cold marble.


Regarding your note: engraven is a word but it just doesn’t sound right. You could try engraved but it is up to you.

Quote:
Here, a child was born and died the same day. Here, a mother and newborn babe share a grave. Here an eight-year-old girl lays at rest. Here, a fifteen-year-old boy was put into the ground.


Repetition only works sometimes. You could change one ‘here’ to ‘there’.

Quote:
Instead, I wandered the rough cement paths, imagining what I could meet with there.


Something not quite right in the last part. Rather: [...] what I would see each new day. Or something else: [...] who I would meet today.

You get the idea.

*

I have never been to a cemetery before, they creep me out but I’m really interested in them nonetheless.

This was more like a sketch, with a whole bunch of tales inside just waiting to be told. The man and the old woman for example.

At first, and I think it still does, the narrator came to me as a young man. He might be a she but I doubt that since there was no way of telling.

I loved this part most of all:

Quote:
Dainty blue flowers fall from a withered hand to the base of the stone, and tears run down a wrinkled cheek.


Don’t know why I just do.

Myth

_________________
.: ₪ :.

'...'
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PenguinAttack   View This User's Portfolio
Yummers.
Speaker of the Forum

331
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 740
Reviews: 331
Country: There's just me.
1012 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed reading this, an insight into somwhere I rather don't like to go hehe. Myth pointed out all the issues that I could see, so I won't try to go into anything like that.

I did quite like this, it seems a good addition to the competition. Good Luck.


*hearts* Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.

_________________
*Rawr*

Read it, Write it, Love it.

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
GingerLizzy   View This User's Portfolio
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green
Master of the Forum

461
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 1077
Reviews: 461
Country: England
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have nothing much to say really.

[echoes most of the things that have been outlined by Myth]

I enjoyed reading this and thought that the idea was strange, but altogether pleasing. The word engraven puzzled me a little and I think you should perhaps use another word in this matter, as it made me stop completely and think; Whaaa?

Other than that, good work and I also think that the title fits in well, and it sounds good. No need to change it there I don't think.

_________________
Worship the ginger monkey Smile aaand join my new group!

Oh, and enter my new contest!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
canislupis   View This User's Portfolio
Hi.
Speaker of the Forum

335
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 683
Reviews: 335

400 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good! most of the suggestions I would have made have already been pointed out. But this felt realistic and it flowed well. I like the way you switched from imagining something, to describing something that actually happened, without making me get confused. I liked it. Smile

_________________
Check out my contest! (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31705.html)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
aeroman   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

76
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Sep 2006
Posts: 153
Reviews: 76
Country: Somewhere...flying around in the sky
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your story had a very weird tone to it. Not in a bad way. But in a good way. I had this almost unsettling feeling. Probably because the whole time I was wondering what an interesting hobby, walking through a cemetery and imagining situations that could happen to oneself in a cemetery.

The wondering how they died rang true with myself. I've often wondered that when I'm in cemeteries, and I actually walk home through one everyday and go running there in the mornings lol. Overall it was very good.

Myth caught all the mistakes I was going to mention. The only thing I see differently is the 'sometimes' portion. This could be seen as repetition or parallelism which are used often in other literary works to create a certain effect. If you didn't mean/use it this way though then I would change it because then it just seems amateurish.

_________________
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Azila   View This User's Portfolio
One at a Time...
Speaker of the Forum

482
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 933
Reviews: 482
Country: The Valley of the Wind
948 Points

PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice! I like it a lot... and can relate, in fact, seeing as I live next to a graveyard and have for all my life. But anyway, back to topic: I definitely agree with the things Myth said. You should keep them in mind. I have a crit to add to hers:

Quote:
Morbid, perhaps. Sinister, maybe.

This didn't go smoothly for me. Change it to "Morbid, perhaps even sinister." That shouldn't mess up your word count.

Quote:
But it was not a bad way, for me.

Delete the comma. You have a habit (as do I) of too much punctuation. You don't have the semi-colon addiction I do, but it may develop in time. Very Happy

Quote:
How did it happen? You can't help but wonder.

Make it either "one" or "I" rather than "you." "You" sounds awkward.

Quote:
When I grew up and came to the age where dreams of romance and love overtake childish dreams of ponies and candy, I didn't stop coming to the cemetery. Instead, I wandered the rough cement paths, imagining what I could meet with there. What a romantic place to meet your true love.

First sentence:"Romance and love" is repetitive. If you weren't on a word count, I'd tell you to delete the "and love" but since you are, try to pick a different word... "adventure" perhaps? It changes the meaning slightly, but for the better, I think.
Second sentence: "...imagining who I could meet."? I realize that messes up your perfect 500, so maybe not that exactly, but work with making the phrasing a little more natural.
Third sentence: "My true love" would work better.

Quote:
A tall man, coming towards me. We would meet in the middle, and laugh a little at the strangeness of wandering in a graveyard.

Again, the unnecessary commas... tsk tsk tsk.

Quote:
I know it won't happen, I know it's impossible, I know things like that only take place in books.

Try making it "I know it won't happen; I know it's impossible. I know things like that only take place in books." Oh dear, there I go encouraging the sami-colon... it could be just me and my addiction, but I think it fits here.
-----

I love the last line!

Wow, that story about the old woman really makes me relate... but anyway, I'm not here to talk about MY graveyard, I'm here to talk about YOURS!

It's a beautiful piece. I have only one major comment: If you could rework it a bit to add more description that would be really good, but it would also be really hard with still keeping the word count.

About "engraven"... You should change it. Either to "engraved" or (as Ginger Lizzy said) to another word all together.

Good luck with the contest!!!

~Azila

_________________
Want a critique?

"If there's ever a war without blood and gore, I'll be the first to go." --Phil Ochs (1940-1976)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 18, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 18, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again. - James R. Cook
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society