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sokool15
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 Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:08 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 20 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:52 am; edited 2 times in total |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:25 am Post subject: |
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hmm. well, i think it's a great start. I'm not actually finished with it yet, but i'll point out a few things I noticed.
1. i think you should change Brad's name. it's just that "Kiera" is so elegant and fantastic, and Brad brings to mind a super-buff lifeguard or something. just a suggestion, but i thought i'd bring it up.
2. whose perpective are you writing from? you are speaking in third person, but as it starts out it's mostly from Kiera's POV but then you say something about Brad being relieved...usually if your writing in third person and you're going to switch perpectives you should do it at a break in the writing or at a new chapter or something.
3. I think your romance is good. :D because it's not super sappy, its just this girl realizing that she likes him and feeling frustrated cuz he's not returning it. there are a few places probably where you don't need to mention it so much, but i think you're doing find.
4. Put some of their personalities into their dialogue. People never just speak. They speak sarcastically, or forcefully, or intensely, or they mutter, or murmur, or gasp, or cry, or scream, or they stomp their foot for emphasis...make your dialogue come alive.
ok, well, i think that's all for the moment. hope that helps. :D
~Lyrical |
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sokool15
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:44 am Post subject: |
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Thank, sunshine, for all your great tips!
Heh, yes, Brad's name. His real name is Bradken, but his friends horten it to Brad...does that make it any better? I just didn't want to do a cliche, long, un-pronouncable fantasy name. I may end up changing it, though, since you're not the first person who's noticed.
Thank you for all your other great critiques as well. I do change viewpoints a lot, and I'm working on it...I like to get into all the character's thoughts, but I'm working on narrowing it down.
Thanks again!
~Madame Kool |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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You call this soppy? Lol. Don't worry, the romance is just fine and I think it's developing at a good, steady pace. I mean, you're on chapter twenty and they're still at the 'does he like me?' stage if you know what I mean. So no worries there and this was a nice, descriptive chapter but perhaps you used dry a touch too often to describe the grass? And a few other general points -
With her face pressed against his back, she could feel felt the ropes of muscle convulse, tighten, then the release after the a flap of the wing.
At one point, after it had grown steadily colder for sometime some time, she thought she felt snowflakes on her cheek, but she scoffed at the notion.
Kiera raised her head and took a welcome breath of fresh air as they hovered, barely in motion in the air sky.
Kiera's toes were still two feet above the ground, due to the extreme difference in their height, but it was good close enough for Kiera her.
Then the winds that carry these clouds from the west West, sweep forward over the kingdom until they reach the Crane mountains.
Around her waste waist went the net, and he buckled it firmly in front.
"There's one not two minute's flight from here, and I can see a few beyond that as well. Come on."
"It's been too long, has it not, dear girl?" The man's voice was tinged [You've used this word in the sentence before this one so perhaps something like 'The man's voice held a touch of amusement'] with amusement.
The effect of his announcement was immediate. The village immediately [Maybe promptly?] sprung into life as if it had been waiting for this moment.
At these words the crowd of motionless villagers sprang into life once more, moving with astonishing speed out from underneath the tent, down the dusty streets, to their homes once more, returning the town to it's its sleepy, quiet rhythm.
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Overall, a brilliant chapter as always with some good conflict and an interesting new character. Great job. Oh and you can interupt me again now =) |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Kiera raised her head and took a welcome breath of fresh air as they hovered, barely in motion in the air. |
you forgot that 
Aww! Poor Brad...ya, anyway good job. You did well  .
-greenie |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:39 pm Post subject: |
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| sokool15 wrote: |
Thank, sunshine, for all your great tips!
Heh, yes, Brad's name. His real name is Bradken, but his friends horten it to Brad...does that make it any better? I just didn't want to do a cliche, long, un-pronouncable fantasy name. I may end up changing it, though, since you're not the first person who's noticed.
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hmm...Bradken reminds me of Pippin, or some hobbit name. not really a winged warrior. sorry, that's just my opinion. but anyway, i'm going to get back to reading your great story! :D |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Brad raised one eyebrow at the Peacekeeper. Somehow he had managed to infuse a good measure of sarcasm into the word 'charming,' so that it sounded quite the opposite of a complement. |
haha, i love this line! :D ok, back to reading. |
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"The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act." ~Barbara Hall |
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lyrical_sunshine
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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"instead using his large, skilled vocal chords to project his voice to all the villagers."
large and skilled is a bit of a weird way to describe vocal chords. and you wrote "payed" when it should be "paid." lol. sorry for my running commentary, but i'm editing as i read.
"outnumbered" is one word.
"Raztik" - i don't know, he just sounds scary to me. is he supposed to?
i'm noticing a bit of a love triangle with Brad and Tulan and Kiera, but for some reason i get the idea Tulan is quite a bit older than her. you might want to specify his age and just describe him a little.
ok i'm done now! lol, thanks for letting me critique you. |
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"The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act." ~Barbara Hall |
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