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chapter 1: Wrong place, wrong time
chapter 1: Wrong place, wrong time

by Undercover_Ninja in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction

This thread was created on September 15, 2007
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My Strongest Feelings

My Strongest Feelings

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:14 pm    Post subject: My Strongest Feelings Reply with quote

Part Two

My eyes opened to the faint gray light of a mountain morning. My face was damp with dew from where it had come through the netted opening at the top of the tent. I breathed in deeply before sliding out of my sleeping bag and slipping from the tent. I inhaled the mountain air, thick with morning mist and sat down to wait for breakfast.

My mother had heard me get up and came out a few minutes after myself. She thought about breakfast and realized we had neither milk nor eggs.

“What are we going to do?” She asked looking for some alternative to the missing items. I loved spending time with Momma, especially at times like this when I could say something smart that would make her slap her forehead.

I smirked. “Well, mom, we could go to the store near the park entrance and get it.”

“You are so right!” She said, and, to my laughter, slapped her forehead before going to the tent to get her purse.

We climbed into our Jeep Grand Cherokee and drove down the mountain. It was quiet in the car and we had the windows rolled down and I let the misty mountain air tickle my scalp as it flowed through my hair.

I loved the little store. It was built like a log cabin with a porch on the front and everything built from white cedar. I roamed the shelves as my mom found the eggs and milk. I followed her to the front counter and, as she paid, I saw a small box with long stick like snacks poking out of the top. The label read “Cow Tails.” My stomach turned and the first thoughts in my head were individually wrapped, fuzzy tails. I picked up a “tail” and read the label further only to find out that it was just a crème filled caramel candy. I felt ridiculous as I placed the candy back in the box and followed Momma from the store.

We returned to the camp where Aunt Sarah and Uncle Keith were already up and making coffee. Momma began making breakfast which consisted of eggs, pancakes, toast, and Polska Kielbasa from last night’s dinner. After the aromas of the different foods drifted to their tent, Eric, Matt, and Jerald emerged, sleepily taking their seats around the ash of last nights fire.

“What do you guys want to do today?” Aunt Sarah asked. I already figured they had something fun planned, but I still put in my suggestion.

“What about swimming at Lake Cheaha?”

“That’s what we had planned.” Momma said before taking another bite of toast.

“Hiking?” I asked.

“That, too.”

“How about we go rappelling?” I smiled at my joke as my mom laughed sarcastically before looking at me, her brows furrowed in a mock glare.

“Um, no! Maybe when you’re older.”

I laughed and stuffed another load of eggs into my mouth.

“We spent a little bit of the morning hanging around camp, taking showers and making sure our stuff was safe before we loaded up the Jeep and headed for the lake.

I hadn’t noticed how late it was getting until I saw that the sun was starting to descend and we still needed to get to the hiking trail. We changed into our hiking clothes and piled back into the car. We made it up the mountain to the hiking trail almost an hour before sun down. The sign read: “Giant’s Face Rock” and the trail disappeared into the thick forest. We entered the tree cover and followed the twisting trail.

Anxious, I hurried ahead of the group, wanting to be alone on this conquest. I was on the verge of becoming an explorer, searching for the cliff of Native American legend. The cliff where it was said that the great wolf goddess of the hunt appeared to liven the woods with deer. I found myself half running through the trees when a voice called from behind me.

“Don’t get too far ahead!” Momma said. I have a really active imagination and I knew it, but I still let my mind wander back to the hunt for the cliff.

We passed a cliff where several people were rappelling, but this was not the cliff of legend. The trail wound farther up the mountain and I came to a raised wooden walkway that zigzagged into the darkening forest. By now, the sun was on the verge of disappearing beyond the horizon.

As the sun’s last ray faded, we emerged at the very cliff my imagination had yearned to find. I was breathless as I walked slowly to the edge. The white stone jutted from the mountain side and overlooked an ocean of dark green and three glowing cities. My eyes widened as I looked out over the landscape. My Indian blood raced and my breaths came faster. A smile spread over my face and I sat, in the manner of Native women, and took several deep breaths. The air was fresh and crisp with the early fall air.

I didn’t allow myself to feel bad about not having my friend there, instead, I let my imagination bring her there and I could see her, sitting the same way I was, a smile on her face as she looked out over the forests of Northern Alabama.

I don’t know how long I had sat there, but my mother called to me, telling me it was time to go. I didn’t feel bad as I walked away, my friend disappearing in the breeze that blew across the mountain top, I just walked over to the walkway and followed the group as we left this natural wonder behind…


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sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, great. Just wonderful. Again, I really, really liked this piece.

A wonderful job in characterizing everybody, really delving into your own thoughts.

Quote:
My mother had heard me get up and came out a few minutes after myself. She thought about breakfast and realized we had neither milk nor eggs.

“What are we going to do?” She asked looking for some alternative to the missing items.


In the first paragraph, it seems a little rushed. Perhaps you should add in some dialogue there, your mother musing aloud to herself about the milk and eggs. It's too much: she thought this. She thought that.

Second paragraph:
Quote:
"What are we going to do?" she asked, looking...etc


Look at the punctuation up above, and capitilization. S is lower-case, and a comma after 'asked.'

Anyway, a great piece. Wonderful job!

~MAdame Kool

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