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Lini-chan
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 Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:06 am Post subject: The Planets |
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Sun
A spot of light in the endless black
Brilliant oranges, reds, and golds
Blinding light it does not lack
Sprung from the darkness in the ages of old
A beacon of hope in the fear of night
Forever rising above the land
Warming the world in its skyward flight
A golden light, so royal and grand
Expanding and swelling 'til extravagant red
Tendrils of flame tasting the dark
An explosion of light and the sun is dead
The brightness lost, bleak and stark
Mercury
In a constant oven so close to the sun
A small planet they say but do not forget
The weather there makes one think to run
Fiery days and frigid sunsets
Named after the Roman god messenger
Winged shoes so nimble and light
Sure to be quick and quick to be sure
Ignoring all else in his perilous flight
A steel grey spot within the black
Basking in the sun's ruthless blaze
Orbiting on an endless track
Enveloped in a fiery haze
Venus
A swirling orb of bronze and gold
Gentle goddess of beauty and love
In ancient Roman legends told
Rising with the moon in the heavens above
Forbidding land and boiling sky
A whirl of turbulent storms and clouds
The heat there states all life must die
Wind and dust in an eerie shroud
A beautiful planet despite the heat
Marbled designs of eddying yellow
One day the sun's fire it will meet
Sister to earth, deadly yet mellow
Earth
The sun rises over the sapphire sea
Over the land and into the sky
Mountains and plains in the landscape I see
Above which a flock of birds does fly
Emerald sapphire diamond swirls
Mingling with the deep brown hue of earth
Trees and flowers dot the land of the world
A rainbow of creatures of infinite worth
A gentle rain falls upon the ground
Into a sparkling sea of blue
The brilliant sun it whirls around
Home of all life that is wise and true
Moon
Cool moonlight fills the night
A blanket of silver upon the earth
Glow of a goddess shining bright
So elusive yet of incredible worth
Opposite the vibrant sun
Brighter than stars its nocturnal light
Only when sunrise comes it is done
Silver glow changing to golden light
Through the clouds it endlessly shines
A rainbow halo when rain is to come
Across the sky in a circular line
Silver rain glistens in reflected sun
Mars
A blast of trumpets serenading a war
Icy planet of crimson red
The Roman war god emits a roar
An epic battle by he is led
Of fiery anger yet cold as ice
Iron strength and steel will
Not afraid of the ultimate price
Of causing his own blood to spill
Small in size but extremely fierce
Chilling cold surrounds all things
Of clashing swords and armor pierced
Rising in triumph with battle-scarred wings
Jupiter
The king of the gods, of strength and might
Topaz and ruby inferno of power
Master of lightning and skyward flight
Only storms dwell here, not tree or flower
A blinding burst of lightning flashes
Lighting the sky a golden red
Then a blast of thunder crashes
Everything near it ripped to shreds
The great Red spot, a monster hurricane
Yet only a dot in the swirling abyss
Nothing dwells in this harsh domain
But turbulent gas and swirling mist.
Saturn
The golden orb that's light as air
The one and true lord of the rings
Shimmering beauty with the world it shares
Storms of icy gas it brings
Dwarfing earth, yet able to float
Streaks of deepest brown and gold
Of many legends ancients wrote
'Twas the god of harvest in ages of old
Also of ages and infinite time
Rules the gate to the future and past
Of all things wearisome and sublime
Only it knows which day is our last
Uranus
The sky, the heavens, the rushing wind
A giant of eerie turquoise green
Dwell ice and gas in its realm within
The gateway sea and space between
Of flying birds and storms ablow
Yet so close to the swirling sea
Ocean waves with moonlight aglow
Guided by the gentle breeze
Tornadoes and vicious screaming gales
Sometimes gentle yet other times deadly
On the sea it blows ships' sails
Of the sky and clouds, an emerald medley
Neptune
A beauty of churning ocean blue
The god of the sapphire sea so deep
Of wisdom that is always true
Creatures within the water sleep
A storm arises on the sea
Waves breaking and crashing upon the shore
Sea animals swimming wild and free
Even water-dwelling steeds in ancient lore
So close yet so far from its neighbor of green
The sea and wind, apart yet one
Beneath the surface lie things unseen
Hidden below 'til the blue veil is gone
Pluto
Darkness shrouds the tiny orb
The Sun is but another star
Of the god of the dead and the underworld
Floating in blackness, so distant, so far
Aloof and cold, alone in space
So unique and like no other
Isolated in a dimly lit place
An enigma to the planets, its brothers
From the underworld it seems to have sprung
A mystery orbiting the golden sun
The solar system's lowest rung
Of its kind it is but one. |
Last edited by Lini-chan on Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:28 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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sarahcrosbeh
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:30 am Post subject: |
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This is great.  Your descriptions and imagery are very good. I can't really find anything i disliked about this.
Maybe though, as a suggestion, i'd add some punctuation to it. But i'm not an expert on poems so i'm probably talking rubbish...anyhoo, good work. |
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-Save-Ferris-
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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I thought some of your imagery and description was absoutlutely beautiful. Here is what I like and what I think you should change about each of them.
Sun
I loved this it was definetly one of my favourties along with Pluto. I loved:
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| Sprung from the darkness in the ages of old |
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| Warming the world in its skyward flight |
I loved both of these lines.
Mercury
I suppose I quite liked this part but I think you began struggling to find things to say so you kind of repeated some of your ideas in different ways.
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| Fiery days and frigid sunsets |
The line was exactly that: frigid. It didn't flow with the rest of the poem.
Venus
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| The heat there states all life must die |
Ahh this line ruined an almost perfect section. It just doesn't sound poetic at all. Nasty, nasty, nasty. Except from that it was a very good section.
Earth
I guess this was a bit like Mercury, you repeated some of your ideas a bit I found. I liked it though. But definetly removed the second 'sapphire' It's not good to repeat words such as this.
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The brilliant sun it whirls around
Home of all life that is wise and true |
I really liekd this lines because it shows just how arrogant humans are and how we think we are so great and all. It's brilliant.
Mars
I loved your comparison to the god Mars. I think it was really strong here.
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Small in size but extremely fierce
Chilling cold surrounds all things |
I felt this belonged at the start of the first stanzas rather than the last one. But the general order of this section seemed a little jumbled. I liked it though.
Moon
First thing I felt this should have come before the Mars section seeing as the Earth and the Moon are accosiated but Mars and the Moon. There wasn't anything else to change about this (:
I will finish the other few later but I really loved these. |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah! The use of rhyme, meter and synonym were superb.
By synonym I specifically want to point out the last line: "So distant, so far." That's poetry! |
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flowerchild
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| Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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| That is an amazing set of poems. I like how you tied th e gods to that was really cool :shock: I am in shock. It is mind blasting. |
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Lini-chan
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much for reading it!! I'm glad to hear you liked it!!
-Save-Ferris-, you're right. Mercury was the hardest thing for me to think about things to write for it. I think the easiest one for me to write was Mars, though. I liked it the best. Oops, you're right about the Moon too. I think I skipped a section and wrote that after Mars. *fixes* |
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Meep
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 1:33 am Post subject: Re: The Planets |
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| Lini-chan wrote: |
A spot of light in the endless black
[...]
Blinding light it does not lack |
Your poem(s) had a lot of rather forced rhyming, but I thought this pair was the worst. However, it was not the only example and it really started to get annoying. First, I would like to remind you that poetry does not have to rhyme, and even when it does rhyme, it does not have to follow an ABAB, CDCD, &c. cycle. I'm not a rhyming poet, but I know there are other options. You could also write free verse. (Although I commend you for trying to rhyme, I've long since given up.) I'm also going to give you a link to a rhyming dictionary. You may find it useful, or you may not.
I also think that if you're going to mention the Greek or Roman gods or goddesses in some of the planets, you should mention them in all of them. Admittedly, we don't call the sun "Helios" (or "Apollo"), and we don't call the moon "Diana" or earth "Terra," but you could still probably incorporate them. |
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Lini-chan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:47 pm Post subject: Re: The Planets |
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| Meep wrote: |
| Lini-chan wrote: |
A spot of light in the endless black
[...]
Blinding light it does not lack |
Your poem(s) had a lot of rather forced rhyming, but I thought this pair was the worst. However, it was not the only example and it really started to get annoying. First, I would like to remind you that poetry does not have to rhyme, and even when it does rhyme, it does not have to follow an ABAB, CDCD, &c. cycle. I'm not a rhyming poet, but I know there are other options. You could also write free verse. (Although I commend you for trying to rhyme, I've long since given up.) I'm also going to give you a link to a rhyming dictionary. You may find it useful, or you may not.
I also think that if you're going to mention the Greek or Roman gods or goddesses in some of the planets, you should mention them in all of them. Admittedly, we don't call the sun "Helios" (or "Apollo"), and we don't call the moon "Diana" or earth "Terra," but you could still probably incorporate them. |
I do write a lot of free verse as well as rhyming, but thanks for the rhyming dictionary. I'll probably use it. |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:59 pm Post subject: |
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If this was a cake, I'd say yummy.
It worked well and I thought that all of these little poems were a wonderful idea, instead of squishing the whole solar system into one poem. The flow was wonderful and it did not falter [can't spell] once. I love how you use the imagery to your advantage and describe the smallest details to seem even bigger than the Universe itself.
Punctuation - and I can't quote much on this, as my own is dreadful - was lacking I think. Try to vary your use from just the average comma and period and I think you'll be getting somewhere higher than the stars.
Overall, this was a perfect read. |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I loved them too. So, the poems would be hard to find fault with. They're great for reading aloud.
Bear in mind, all my recent poetry has been lyrics. I just can't see to write other sorts.  |
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Lini-chan
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:38 am Post subject: |
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| I write lyrics too. And the good thing about lyrics is that they're easier to set to music. Just write whatever kind of poetry you're good with most of the time and try something new every once in awhile (I tried writing sonnets last year in English class and got hooked). |
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