Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Everything Was Silent
Everything Was Silent

by In_the_Moonlight in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 14, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Angelsea I: The Last Sentinel (posted a bit of ch 2)
Esper’s Sepulchral I : Chapter 1: The Season of the Pikara
Esper's Sepulchral I: Chapter 2: Law and Magic
Esper's Sepulchral I: Chapter 3: The Beach Party
Lady Ifrit: Chapter I: Sanctuary
Oceania Cross, Chapter two: A Dark Priestess
Esper's Sepulchral I: Chapter 4: The Three Bells of Wavend

Lady Ifrit: Chapter II: Sentinel

Topic ID: 19921
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Squall   View This User's Portfolio
A scattered memory that's like a distant dream
Speaker of the Forum

402
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Feb 2007
Posts: 587
Reviews: 402
Country: New Zealand
450 Points

PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:41 am    Post subject: Lady Ifrit: Chapter II: Sentinel Reply with quote

Chapter II: Sentinel

Zane walked into the living room, stepping over the empty wine bottles that littered the floor and switched the television on. He crashed onto the leather couch, lifting his feet onto the wooden coffee table as white light slowly washed the room. As he punched the numbers on the remote, the room was cast into darkness momentarily before it was rekindled by a turquoise blue.

“Tonight on Nightline, it was an ordinary morning at Ashville College until the first shot was fired at ten to nine in the morning, killing the school’s Principal, Mr. Mike Saunders. We bring you details of the Ashville Massacre and personal accounts of students and staff as they endured the six hour ordeal.”

Zane cranked up the volume.

“Forty eight people were murdered in cold blood by a gang of gunmen, forty three of which were students.”

The names of Rochelle’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were mentioned by the news reporter. Zane buried his face into the palms of his hands; fingers interlocked to form the bars of a cage, masking his face. He couldn't bear to see the colourless images of Rochelle's parents, for it was nothing but a mockery. The shame coarsed stronger through his veins.

It was only last summer but she had remembered it well. Mrs Cooper had held him by the arms and drew him close. With shimmering, moist lips, he was kissed on his smooth cheeks. The kiss of the youthful.

“Students were given the command to escape through the fire exit in the cafeteria as the Coopers held the gunmen back. Their quick thinking and bravery saved the lives of many.”

Zane breathed in deeply, inhaling the smell of chips that wafted his hands.

“We were hiding under the desks and they told us to get up for they were going to blow up the place.” The student's face was a red and blotchy white, damp with tears.

“I had wanted to get up. Maybe he would let us go if we just followed what he said, but I looked around and nobody did so I stayed put.” She lifted her arm, concealing her puffy eyes.

“Then they started shooting, saying how useless we were and to stop our whining.”

The phone started ringing. Zane rose to his feet and headed into the kitchen. He pulled the phone from the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Zane, oh my god, is that you?

Zane moved away from the wall and sat on a chair.

“Yea, sup.” Over the phone, murmurs of Lindsay’s friends sounded in the background.

“Yes, it’s him,” Lindsay whispered back.

“What? Wait, who is this?”

“It’s me, Lindsay. God Zane, Rochelle was right about you being a dreamer.”

Zane brushed the silver hairs of his fringe away from his eyes.

“Anyways, is Rochelle with you?”

“Yea,” Zane mumbled.

“Is she alright?”

“She’d seen better days.”

Zane tucked the phone between his shoulders and head. He fetched a glass from the cupboard and uncorked the cap of a wine bottle that was sitting on the bench. A stream of red flowed gashed from the opening as Zane poured. He clutched it from the neck, took a sip and walked back into the lounge room. As the minute hand of the clock spun a full cycle, Zane and Lindsay became reacquainted.

“I’ll talk to you later Zane, they want to use the phone.”

“I could tell. I could hear them talking in the background.”

“Well at least you’re not deaf. Try to cheer her up alright? If you don’t, we will be coming to get you.”

“Don’t worry Lindsay; I’ve already got girl problems as it is. The last thing I need now is to be swept away by an epidemic of girls,” teased Zane.

Lindsay snickered, “Poetic as always Zane. Bye now.”

“Whatever,” replied Zane and hung up. He tossed the phone aside and reached for the remote once more.

“In the morning, Ashville will encounter a slight shower with a chance of developing into rain as the day progresses, followed with a minimum of fourteen degrees.”

Zane shook his head in disbelief; another day of abysmal weather. He had expected that the forecaster would bring news of the clouds clearing. The start of this year’s summer had not gone the way he had hoped. The surfing board that was in the garage had been collecting dust for the last two years.

“Stay tuned for extended one hour coverage of the Ashville Massacre as John Campbell and a panel of experts discuss on what happened, the motives of the gunmen and the issues and aftermath that have surfaced regarding this incident. This is Amy Graham, good night.”

Zane changed the channel. He didn’t need to see more coverage on the massacre. The thought of letting Rochelle’s parents die was enough. He lay on the couch, his arm dangling off the edge.

__________________________________________________________________

Dream Lagoon Swimming Pool

“Alright, I want students lined into their Whanau houses now!” Ms. Devan’s voice blasted through the car park and echoed the area.

Megan followed Rochelle as she wandered away from the assembly area.

“The Endeavour line is over here, Rochelle.”

Rochelle was on the watch for Zane. Another bus emerged from behind the trees and drove down the channel between the cars. The creases in Rochelle’s PE shirt rippled and waved as it squeaked to a halt behind the first bus.

“Rochelle, come on.”

“I’ll be there in a second,” said Rochelle with her back turned on Megan, tilting her shades back till they were sitting on her head. The door folded open and students flowed out of the bus. One by one, they darted off to their lines, accompanied by their form teachers. The excitement that was stored in her heart exploded in disappointment and struck her ribs.

Back at the assembly area, Rochelle snuck herself at to back of the line behind Megan.

“Princess, welcome back.”

Rochelle mustered a smile as the teacher escorted them into the reception area. As she stepped through the automatic doors, the smell of the fresh pine trees became overpowered by the ammonia that lingered the brick walled corridors.

After making a turn around the corner, Rochelle and her classmates were standing on the blue tiled pathway that surrounded the pools. She stepped back as a girl scooted past and returned behind the diving blocks.

“Next!”

The girl obeyed her command and clambered up the stairs. Her toes hanged over the edge of the diving platform as she straightened her stance; arms soared above her head till her hands met. The instructor waddled her way to the girl and lowered her head. She shot out of the platform and smacked head first into deep blue waters. Rings of waves soon formed and surged for the cobblestone ledge, moldy and cracked from the years of erosion.

Students passed through the glass doors and stepped into the entrance of the out door pools. Rochelle followed Megan, but stopped as her name was bellowed above the jumble of gossip.

“Rochelle!” repeated the voice.

Rochelle turned to see Mr. Graham beckoning her with his hands. His arms crossed, his face tightened as she was in speaking distance.

“As a rep of last year’s Eastern Zone swimming champs, I’m expecting your best efforts as always, Rochelle.”

Rochelle stood to attention. She rose her right hand, held flat, to her eyebrow.

“Sir, you worry too much. If we managed to own them last year, then I'm sure we can do the same this year.”

Mr. Graham saluted back, his hand slight cantered forward, shading his eyes.

“Heh. Anyways, I think you might need this.”

He uncrossed his arms and presented to Rochelle to what appeared to be a scroll tied with red ribbon. Rochelle held it by the edge, turning it around until she saw where the knot was tied. As she was about to loosen the strings, Mr. Graham whipped into action, ceasing Rochelle by the arm.

“What do you think you were doing?” His voice had grown stern.

“…What? I…”

“Don’t even think about it! Not here at least.”

His brown pupils were still as he channeled his glare. Knowing Mr. Graham, Rochelle feared that she’ll be damned to detention by the declaration of his thundering voice.

“Yes sir, I’ll open it later.”

“Good, way you go.”

Rochelle turned away from him, catching the last glimpse of Mr. Graham’s grey sideburns from the rear of her vision.

A soothing breeze swept from across the lake and into the vicinity; brushing past the dust stained windows of the water tower and raced north.

“What did Mr. Graham say?” asked Megan.

Rochelle found her spot beside her on the poker dot blanket.

“Oh na. He just gave me this.”

From behind her back, she drew out the scroll and laid it on Megan’s lap.

“A scroll?” said Megan with a wide grin.

“Yea, never knew he was such a treasure hunt…”

In a flash, Megan got up and sprinted for the Iron Gate; bare feet narrowly missed the spikes and met solid mud as she landed on the other side.

Rochelle followed, deluded that her friend had just leapt three meters into the air. If Megan had opened the scroll out of curiosity, Rochelle would be taking the full wrath of Mr. Graham, but as she ran across the bank, a sweet, cherry voice sounded in her head.

“Now Rochelle, what catastrophe would be liberated by the hand of Megan?”

The words “Liberated” and “Megan” were enough for her to picture her friend untying the scroll.

Another voice began to echo.

“What if the scroll was a bomb?”

Rochelle was on the other side of the pool. As a teacher on monitoring duty made his way around the bend, Rochelle quickly retreated behind the covers of the life guard’s chair, moments before he had caught sight of a student disobeying school rules. Rochelle focused her thoughts and energy into the wooden clinks of his sandal over the top of the gurgling noise being made in the pool’s drain.

The sound faded and she ran for the metal gate, acting as a threshold between the pools and the water tower. Rochelle tried to push the gate open but it hardly budged. It was locked.

“Here.”

A chime was emitted nearby. Rochelle felt a slight heat licking her bare arm. A flaming key was inserted into the lock and the gate swung open.

It was Zane.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the individual medley?”

“Now why would I do that?” The gate slammed into the fence after Zane shoved it to the side. He barged through the door which was the entrance to the glasshouse, connected to the water tower.

Rochelle wondered whether she should follow. The thought soon became distant as the voice of the dream world diminished her hate for Zane, guiding her back to the task at hand. She pushed the door open.

“Rochelle. Heads up.” The chill in the tone of his voice was no longer present, which Rochelle soon discovered why.

From the depths of the murky indoor pool of the glasshouse, the creatures that had attacked Zane spurted out of hiding. They hovered closer to Rochelle, their watery bodies bloating and flopping. At first impressions, she believed that they were just some jellyfish floating in midair. The leader of the jellyfish raised its tentacles in unison, allowing the magic to course through its veins. In an act of prayer, the tentacles clasped together, forming an aqua blue light which shot forwards.

Rochelle dashed for the stairs, zigzagging to avoid their array of attacks. Ice crawled its way up the window plane to where the shot had narrowly missed its mark. Within seconds, the door was incased in a thick sheet of ice.

Light droplets of water rained down on her from the next flight of stairs. Two rhythms of footsteps had vibrated the void of the water tower. Rochelle could tell Zane was already at the next flight of stairs.

She continued up the stairs, hoping that the sound of Zane’s steps grew louder. Instead, it became fainter. A slight fear of her being doomed to run up the same flight of stairs for all eternity had blocked the passageway, hindering the ease of her breathing. As the seconds began to draw out, she saw a small window panel in the wall of the tower. The swimming pool where the individual medley heat was taking place appeared smaller than usual. They were meters above ground.

The last flights of stairs were heralded by two statues of angel maidens, peacefully playing their harp. Zane was waiting at the top.

Rochelle caught her breath, but stopped at the seriousness shown on his face. Standing on the hydro slide, water gushing past her feet, Megan held the scroll in one hand, readying to discard and send it on a thrilling ride that it will ever experience.

“Meg, what are you doing?” Rochelle asked in sincerity, for Megan’s friendship and the scroll were at stake.

With her back still turned on Rochelle, she responded in a grave manner, “Rochelle, are you Christian?”

Zane’s eyes switched from Megan to the silver cross dangling around Rochelle’s neck.

“Enough games Megan.”

“You should be more acquainted with your friends, especially those that are well informed in the massacre that had recently occurred. Now I ask again, foolish girl, are you Christian?”


_________________
Dolphins for the win!

Originally known as Clockwerk Goblin.


Last edited by Squall on Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:43 am; edited 33 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Insomnia   View This User's Portfolio
The meaning of life is stuck to your shoe!
Novelist

201
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2007
Posts: 481
Reviews: 201
Country: New Zealand
362 Points

PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Very Happy I've been waiting for this chapter for... I don't know how long. Seriously. Memory issues, but it was worth the wait. i enjoyed it, like the last one. Since Matt already pointed out how the phone ringed, I'll get on with it. Wink

“Well at least you’re not deft.

*deaf

As the minute hand of the clock had touched the number ten,

Sorry, nitpick here, but this sentance sounds quite awkward. Or the first part of it, anyway. Maybe you could just simplify it a bit. Smile

tilting her shades back till it was sitting on her head.

I have no idea here, but I think it should read "till they were sitting on her head." I guess it's like wearing a pair of pants...

and pierced head first into deep blue waters.

I think "pierced" might be a bit strange for something as blunt as a human head, even if I have known some rather pointy-headed people.

Rings of waves soon formed and surged for the cobblestone ledge, moldy and cracked from the years of erosion.

I just had to say that I love that sentance. xD Your description is always good.

I’m expecting your best efforts as always Rochelle.”

Should that be "... as always, Rochelle."

Rochelle would be taking the full wraith of Mr. Graham

*wrath

readying to discard it and sending it on a thrilling ride it will ever experience.

I have no idea what that meant. I think I'm going senile. Laughing

And... that's it. I really liked how you didn't slow the pace when things like the jellyfish came along. You just keep going, and that pulls the reader along for the ride. It's really cool. Anyway, great story. Now I really want to read the next part. =O
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Katharsis   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

31
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Aug 2007
Posts: 92
Reviews: 31
Country: Terra Australis Incognita
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 2:38 pm    Post subject: Re: Lady Ifrit: Chapter II: Sentinel Reply with quote

Squallz wrote:


“Tonight on Nightline, it was an ordinary morning at Ashville College until the first shot was fired, killing the school’s Principal, Mr. Mike Saunders. We bring you details of the massacre and personal accounts of students and staff as they endured the six hour ordeal.” Doesn't sound shrill or sensationalist enough for the media. There's no name for the massacre, we haven't learnt when the first shot was fired - the time is often postulated. Plus the number of deaths is generally a matter of importance. Abstract point, maybe, but I'm unconvinced of the authenticity. Also, who is talking? Female or male? Etc.

A green bar appeared on the screen as Lloyd cranked up the volume. All the television operation description isn't really that necessary. It would be more effective to make a simpler statement, otherwise you commit yourself to pointless elaboration. I'm just slightly more interested in the massacre. Slightly.

“Forty eight people were murdered in cold blood by the gunmen, forty three of which were students.” Aha. Forty eight. How many gunmen? Who? Were they caught?

The names of Rochelle’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were mentioned by the news reporter. Lloyd buried his face into the palms of his head; fingers interlocked to form the bars of a cage, masking his face. And yet I really have no way to empathise, because I can't infer anything from this mask thingo. Why should I care about Lloyd, let alone Mr and Mrs Cooper. How did he feel, and why?

“Students were given the command to escape through the fire exit in the cafeteria as the Coopers held the gunmen back. Their quick thinking and bravery saved the lives of many.”

Lloyd breathed in deeply from his lungs, inhaling the smell of chips that plagued his hands. Wow! Chips! Sorry. Just sounds overly poetic. I mean, plague is a strong word - especially if you consider that if Lloyd has the smell of chips on his hands he's probably been eating them. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy chips, so I certainly don't know anyone that would think of the smell of them as a plague.

“We were hiding under the desks and they told us to get up for they were going to blow up the place.” Her face was a red and blotchy white, damp with tears. Whose face? Who's talking? Random.

-----

“Yes.” Over the phone, murmurs of He could hear Lindsay’s friends sounded murmuring in the background.

“She’d seen better days.” I know this is in conversation, and errors in conversation are fine and dandy - but it would really just sound better if it was "She's"

Lloyd placed the phone between his shoulders. Bwaaa? Can you please... Post a picture or something, of someone holding a phone between their shoulders. I mean, gee... Must be a flexible bloke. (But seriously, I think you meant that the phone was tucked between his shoulder and head?) He fetched a glass from the cupboard and uncorked the cap of the wine bottle. What wine bottle? I don't remember it being established that there was a wine bottle. But I suppose it's not extremely important.. A stream of red flowed gashed from the opening as Lloyd poured. He clutched it from the neck, took a sip and walked back into the lounge room. As the minute hand of the clock had spun a full cycle since the start of the conversation, Lloyd and Lindsay had become reacquainted since Rochelle introduced her before him. That last sentence was confusing. The clock thing should have led on to a present tense after the conjunction - but it sounds weird because you used 'had become' instead of 'became'.

EDIT: I realise the usages could have been legitimate in the last sentence, but it still sounded strange. It seemed like the 'As' was being used in this definition: "For the reason that; on account of"

Let me just rewrite it the way I think it should be:
"As the minute hand of the clock spun a full cycle, Lloyd and Lindsay became reacquainted..." The last bit of the sentence eludes me, I don't get what it's supposed to mean, so I leave it to you to fix the end. However, I'd advise a thorough examination of what you're communicating - because I don't really know...


“Don’t worry Lindsay; I’ve already got girl problems as it is. The last thing I need now is to be swept away by a wave of girls,” teased Lloyd. Not that profound if you ask me. Some adjectives wouldn't go astray, maybe make the 'wave of girls' into something more sinister for it to warrant 'teased'.

-----

“In the morning, Ashville will encounter slight rain which will worsen as the day progresses. Temperatures will go as low as fourteen degrees.” I still don't have great confidence in your newsreader imitations. 'Chance of a shower in the afternoon... Minimum of fourteen degrees.' Come on, learn the lingo.

Lloyd shook his head in disbelief; another day of abysmal weather. He had expected that the forecaster would bring news of the clouds clearing. The start of this year’s summer had not gone the way he had hoped. Why... Why do the readers need to know?

“Stay tuned for extended one hour coverage of the Ashville Massacre as John Campbell and a panel of experts discuss on what happened, the motives of the gunmen and the issues and aftermath that have surfaced regarding this incident. This is Amy Graham, good night.” Ashville Massacre - Good! Amy Graham - Good!

Lloyd changed the channel. He needn’t need to see more coverage on the massacre. The thought of letting Rochelle’s parents die was enough as it is. as it was. (Tense. 'as it was' even sounds awkward, I would suggest ending on 'enough' or reworking the sentence altogether.) He lay on the couch, his arm dangling off the edge.

That's it for now. I'll do some more when it's not 12.30 AM. Wink

I think it's good overall, if a little vague and a bit random. I could get interested. But Lloyd seems a little dull, and I haven't seen anything particularly intriguing so far. I'll get back to it though.

Apologies if I've critiqued something that would have been explained via reading the first chapter.


Last edited by Katharsis on Sat Sep 15, 2007 12:23 am; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Alteran   View This User's Portfolio
Hidden in the Sea of my Soul
Master of the Forum

611
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 2287
Reviews: 611
Country: Atlantis
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 5:11 am    Post subject: Re: Lady Ifrit: Chapter II: Sentinel Reply with quote

Squallz wrote:
Chapter II: Sentinel


Lloyd walked into the living room and switched the television on. He crashed onto the couch, lifting his feet onto the coffee table as white light slowly washed the room. As he punched the numbers on the remote, the room was cast into darkness momentarily before it was rekindled by a turquoise blue.

A very nice description, i think you could have slipped in a better description of the couch and coffee table though. Is the couch Leather? What colour is it? What kind of coffe table? Is it wooden?

“Tonight on Nightline, it was an ordinary morning at Ashville College until the first shot was fired at ten to nine in the morning, killing the school’s Principal, Mr. Mike Saunders. We bring you details of the Ashville Massacre and personal accounts of students and staff as they endured the six hour ordeal.”

Lloyd cranked up the volume.

“Forty eight people were murdered in cold blood by a gang of gunmen, forty three of which were students.”

The names of Rochelle’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. Cooper were mentioned by the news reporter. Lloyd buried his face into the palms of his heaands; fingers interlocked to form the bars of a cage, masking his face.

“Students were given the command to escape through the fire exit in the cafeteria as the Coopers held the gunmen back. Their quick thinking and bravery saved the lives of many.”

Lloyd breathed in deeply from his lungs, inhaling the smell of chips that wafted [color=redfrom[/color] his hands.

“We were hiding under the desks and they told us to get up for they were going to blow up the place.” The student's face was a red and blotchy white, damp with tears.

“I had wanted to get up. Maybe he would let us go if we just followed what he said, but I looked around and nobody did so I stayed put.” She lifted her arm, concealing her puffy eyes.

“Then they started shooting, saying how useless we were and to stop our whining.”

The phone started ringing. Lloyd rose to his feet and headed into the kitchen. He pulled the phone from the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Lloyd, oh my god, is that you?[color=red"[/color]

Lloyd moved away from the wall and sat on a chair.

“Yes.” Over the phone, murmurs of Lindsay’s friends sounded in the background.

“Yes, it’s him,” Lindsay whispered back.

“What? Wait, who is this?”

“It’s me, Lindsay. God Lloyd, Rochelle was right about you being a dreamer.”

Lloyd brushed the silver hairs of his fringe away from his eyes.

“Anyways, is Rochelle with you?”

“Yea, she is.”

“Is she alright?”

“She’s seen better days.”

Lloyd tucked the phone between his shoulders and head. He fetched a glass from the cupboard and uncorked the cap of thea wine bottle that was sitting on the bench. A stream of red flowed gashed from the opening as Lloyd poured. He clutched it from the neck, took a sip and walked back into the lounge room. As the minute hand of the clock spun a full cycle, Lloyd and Lindsay became reacquainted.

“I’ll talk to you later Lloyd, they want to use the phone.”

“I could tell. I could hear them talking in the background.”

“Well at least you’re not deaf. Try to cheer her up alright? If you don’t, we will be coming to get you.”

“Don’t worry Lindsay; I’ve already got girl problems as it is. The last thing I need now is to be swept away by a plague of girls,” teased Lloyd.

Lindsay snickered, “Poetic as always Lloyd. Bye now.”

“Later,” replied Lloyd and hangedhung up. He tossed the phone aside and reached for the remote once more.

“In the morning, Ashville will encounter a slight shower with a chance of developing into rain as the day progresses, followed with a minimum of fourteen degrees.”

Lloyd shook his head in disbelief; another day of abysmal weather. He had expected that the forecaster would bring news of the clouds clearing. The start of this year’s summer had not gone the way he had hoped.

“Stay tuned for extended one hour coverage of the Ashville Massacre as John Campbell and a panel of experts discuss on what happened, the motives of the gunmen and the issues and aftermath that have surfaced regarding this incident. This is Amy Graham, good night.”

Lloyd changed the channel. He needidn’t need to see more coverage on the massacre. The thought of letting Rochelle’s parents die was enough. He lay on the couch, his arm dangling off the edge.
__________________________________________________________________

Dream Lagoon Swimming Pool
I would have liked a better introduction to a dream than this. Perhaps havinh Lloyd drift off to sleep or something. This is so direct and aburpt, I dont like it very much.

“Alright, I want students lined into their Whanau houses now!” Ms. Devan’s voice blasted through the car park and echoed the area.

Cheyanne followed Rochelle as she wandered away from the assembly area.

“The Endeavour line is over here, Rochelle.”

Rochelle was on the watch for Lloyd. Another bus emerged from behind the trees and drove down the channel between the cars. The creases in Rochelle’s PE shirt rippled and waved as it squeaked to a halt behind the first bus.

“Rochelle, come on.”

“I’ll be there in a second,” said Rochelle with her back turned on Cheyanne, tilting her shades back till they were sitting on her head. The door folded open and students flowed out of the bus. One by one, they darted off to their lines, accompanied by their form teachers. The excitement that was stored in her heart exploded in disappointment and struck her ribs.

Back at the assembly area, Rochelle sneakedsnuck herself atto the back of the line behind Cheyanne.

“Princess Chellez, welcome back.”

Rochelle mustered a smile as the teacher escorted them into the reception area. As she stepped through the automatic doors, the smell of the fresh pine trees became overpowered by the ammonia that lingered the brick walled corridors.

After making a turn around the corner, Rochelle and her classmates were standing on the blue tiled pathway that surrounded the pools. She stepped back as a girl scooted past and returned behind the diving blocks.

“Next!”

The girl obeyed her command and clambered up the stairs. Her toes hanged over the edge of the diving platform as she straightened her stance; arms soared above her head till her hands met. The instructor waddled her way to the girl and lowered her head. She shot out of the platform and smacked head first into deep blue waters. Rings of waves soon formed and surged for the cobblestone ledge, moldy and cracked from the years of erosion.

Students passed through the glass doors and stepped into the entrance of the out door pools. Rochelle followed Cheyanne, but stopped as her name was bellowed above the jumble of gossip.

“Rochelle!” repeated the voice.

Rochelle turned to see Mr. Graham beckoning her with his hands. His arms crossed, his face tightened as she was in speaking distance.

“As a rep of last year’s Eastern Zone swimming champs, I’m expecting your best efforts as always, Rochelle.”

“Yes, Mr. Graham.”

“Anyways, I think you might need this.”

He uncrossed his arms and presented to Rochelle to what appeared to be a scroll tied with red ribbon. Rochelle held it by the edge, turning it around until she saw where the knot was tied. As she was about to loosen the strings, Mr. Graham whipped into action, ceasing Rochelle by the arm.

“What do you think you were doing?” His voice had grown stern.

“…What? I…”

“Don’t even think about it! Not here at least.”

His brown pupils were still as he channeled his glare. Knowing Mr. Graham, Rochelle feared that she’ll be damned to detention by the declaration of his thundering voice.

“Yes sir, I’ll open it later.”

“Good, way you go.”

Rochelle turned away from him, catching the last glimpse of Mr. Graham’s grey sideburns from the rear of her vision.

A soothing breeze swept from across the lake and into the vicinity; brushing past the dust stained windows of the water tower and raced north.

“What did Mr. Graham say?” asked Cheyanne.

Rochelle found her spot beside her on the poker dot blanket.

“Oh na. He just gave me this.”

From behind her back, she drew out the scroll and laid it on Cheyanne’s lap.

“A scroll?” said Cheyanne with a wide grin.

“Yea, never knew he was such a treasure hunt…”

In a flash, Cheyanne got up and sprinted for the Iron Gate; bare feet narrowly missed the spikes and met solid mud as she landed on the other side.

Rochelle followed, deluded that her friend had just leapt three meters into the air. If Cheyanne had opened the scroll out of curiosity, Rochelle would be taking the full wrath of Mr. Graham., B[color=red]but as she ran across the bank, a sweet, cherry voice sounded in her head.

“Rochelle, vessel of the Gods, what catastrophe would be liberated by the hand of Cheyanne?”

The words “Liberated” and “Cheyanne” were enough for her to picture her friend untying the scroll.
Another voice began to echo.

“What if the scroll was a bomb?”

Rochelle was on the other side of the pool. As a teacher on monitoring duty made his way around the bend, Rochelle quickly retreated behind the covers of the life guard’s chair, moments before he had caught sight of a student disobeying school rules. Rochelle focused her thoughts and energy into the wooden clinks of his sandal over the top of the gurgling noise being made in the pool’s drain.

The sound faded and she ran for the metal gate, acting as a threshold between the pools and the water tower. Rochelle tried to push the gate open but it hardly budged. It was locked.

“Here.”

A chime was emitted nearby. Rochelle felt a slight heat licking her bare arm. A flaming key was inserted into the lock and the gate swung open.

It was Lloyd.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the individual medley?”

“Now why would I do that?” The gate slammed into the fence after Lloyd shoved it to the side. He barged through the door which was the entrance to the glasshouse, connected to the water tower.

Rochelle wondered whether she should follow. The thought soon became distant as the voice of the dream world diminished her hate for Lloyd, guiding her back to the task at hand. She pushed the door open.

“Rochelle! This way.” The chill in the tone of his voice was no longer present, which Rochelle soon discovered why.

From the depths of the murky indoor pool of the glasshouse, the creatures that had attacked Lloyd spurted out of hiding. They hovered closer to Rochelle, their watery bodies bloating and flopping. At first impressions, she believed that they were just some jellyfish floating in midair. The leader of the jellyfish raised its tentacles in unison, allowing the magic to course through its veins. In an act of prayer, the tentacles clasped together, forming an aqua blue light which shot forwards.

Rochelle dashed for the stairs, zigzagging to avoid their array of attacks. Ice crawled its way up the window plane to where the shot had narrowly missed its mark. Within seconds, the door was incased in a thick sheet of ice.

Light droplets of water rained down on her from the next flight of stairs. Two rhythms of footsteps had vibrated the void of the water tower. Rochelle could tell Lloyd was already at the next flight of stairs.

She continued up the stairs, hoping that the sound of Lloyd’s steps grew louder. Instead, it became fainter. A slight fear of her being doomed to run up the same flight of stairs for all eternity had blocked the passageway, hindering the ease of her breathing. As the seconds began to draw out, she saw a small window panel in the wall of the tower. The swimming pool where the individual medley heat was taking place appeared smaller than usual. They were meters above ground.

The last flights of stairs were heralded by two statues of angel maidens, peacefully playing their harp. Lloyd was waiting at the top.

Rochelle caught her breathe, but stopped at the seriousness shown on his face. Standing on the hydro slide, water gushing past her feet, Cheyanne held the scroll in one hand, readying to discard and send it on a thrilling ride that it will ever experience.

“Cheyanne, what are you doing?” Rochelle asked in sincerity, for Cheyanne’s friendship and the scroll were at stake.

With her back still turned on Rochelle, she responded in a grave manner, “Rochelle, are you Christian?”

Lloyd’s eyes switched from Cheyanne to the silver cross dangling around Rochelle’s neck.

“Enough games Chey!”

“You should be more acquainted with your friends, especially those that are well informed in the massacre that had recently occurred. Now I ask again, foolish girl, are you Christian?”


I Understand why you did the dream the way you did now, this was a very gripping chapter. I was a little like what is going on in the first chapter but this helped set up your plot much better. I suggest being more character descriptive in your first chapter. As it is, the characters a re a little flat. I'm sure they'll expand more as the story continues but you might want to ry and add to them a little more. Make them more interesting.

I really liked this, you're fusion of magical element was odd. Flying jellyfish that shoot ice? Very dream like. I like where this is going, you've added backhistory well and created a very tense situation.

Keep it up, Smile

_________________
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective

Once Upon an Adam_Atlantian
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 14, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 14, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. - Orson Welles
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society