I'll stick to basic stuff: I have edited and looked through it, I think it's the best I can do without help. Grammer and spelling (though I have used spell check) is not perfect. I want to know if it's too cliche and your general opinion of it. FYI the boy talked about is not the main character Neve is.
I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading this - Stevie
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The moon was unnaturally bright that night; it gave the street the appearance of a long twilight. The boy thought this was strange when he had appeared at the corner. He quickly scanned the surrounding houses, as he buttoned the long black coat he was wearing, concealing the hilt of a sword. Then he took a small charm from his pocket, he looked at it closely in the moonlight. Satisfied with his findings he put the trinket back into his pocket, and began to walk on.
That was when he noticed it. A wolf, with fur as bright as the snow on a sunny day, was standing at the end of the drive way three houses in front of him. Its stormy gray eyes were watching his every move as the boy advanced towards the wolf transformed.
“Damian,” the boy stated, standing level with the twenty year old male standing where the wolf had once been. “This better be important.”
“I’d say so, considering they know you have come here.” Damian said, his eyes narrowing.
“How much time do we have?” he asked.
“I’d say fifteen minutes,” Damian said looking at his unusual watch. “Liam’s on his way to pick up your sister, but it’s to dangerous for you to go with her. They’re tracking your every move. We’re using the same plan as the night your father died.”
“Thanks Damian,” said the boy a little anxious, already rushing towards the door.
“No problem. Just wait until morning next time you decide to get into moral danger,” Damian said, as he transformed into an owl, with the same shade of white feathers as the wolf he formerly was, and flew away. The door was unlocked as he had expected any door in this neighborhood would be. He ran through the house and found his sisters room with ease.
He felt a tinge of guilt as he opened the door; she was supposed to have been staying with him for the weekend. Her backpack was already packed and by the door. He pushed the guilty thoughts aside—he didn’t have time—and ran to her bed.
“Sunny! Sunny!” he whispered urgently, to no response but her sister turning so her back was towards him. “Sunniva! Neve, wake up! NEVE!”
Finally her eyes opened and she sat up. The girl’s resemblance to her brother was astonishing. She had the same cerulean eyes and chocolate brown hair; if it weren’t for the gender differences they would have been identical.
“You need to leave,” he said getting up to look out the window.
“What? Why?” Neve asked, even as she said this she pulled a pair of jeans over her Pajama shorts.
“I’ll tell you later,” he said. He pulled out the necklace and put it around her sister’s neck. “It belonged to mom. Keep it safe, and keep it hidden, promise?”
Neve nodded pulling her favorite hoodie over her head, concealing the treasured necklace.
“No Neve, you have to say it,” said her brother, looking anxious.
“Fine, I promise,” Neve said. “Just- Just tell me what’s going on.”
“There will be a time and a place for that,” he said. Her brother went to the window again, the car was there. “For now we got to get you out of here.”
Neve took her backpack from beside the door and followed her brother out of the house. A car was waiting for them at the end of the driveway.
“Grandpa Collier has agreed to let you stay with him,” her brother said grimly, as he opened the door. “Take care of yourself—and watch out for Ailey.”
“You’ll be back to get me and Ailey soon, right?” Neve said. She wasn’t looking forward to going to her grandpa’s house, seeing as he only ever welcomed Ailey into his house. Both her and her brother held this against him, real family wouldn’t split them up like that.
“Hopefully—if not sooner then later, but I will come back.” he said, hugging his sister. “Now go!”
Neve got into the car. Liam—her grandpa’s assistant and their parent’s life long friend—was driving. As soon as her door closed he pressed the gas pedal. Neve watched her brother for awhile then could no longer see him.
When the car was gone he unbuttoned his coat and took out his sword. The blade shimmered blue, it was the finest sword made in the Bryd Mountains. The boy grinned taking his fighting stance.
“Come and get me… I’m ready.” He whispered, immediately ten black knights surrounded him—the battle was on.
-- to your advantage. Metaphors, similes, use them. Get me inside of the characters head, let me see what he see's. Let me smell what he smells, hear what he hears, feel what he feels. Stray actions and thoughts that do nothing to further the plot also contribute to your story. Remember your not telling me a story, you want me to actually feel like I AM that character.
