Topic ID: 19850
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 697
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
375 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:52 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 19 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:51 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
writergirl007
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Posts: 138
Reviews: 113
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this. Normally, I don't critique series, but I thought someone should. XD. I really do like it. It is just really short, even if it is just a chapter. I didn't see anything that needs to be corrected. I like the description. LIke I said, it's just a little short. Hope I could help.
Jamie Bondage |
_________________
"It is better to save than to destroy, and that justice is most righteous which is tempered by mercy." Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ahh...why didn't Seden shoot Erik? It makes some sense that he'd hide and only put the branch back after Erik left, but why waste the chance? He could have easily killed the leader of the dreaded Winged Mercenaries.
Besides that it was good, thumbs up, sweet.
-greenjay |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 697
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
375 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Writergirl, thank you for critiquing my story...I just wanted to tell you that yes, this is short for a chapter, but it's the second half of chapter 19, you see. I posted the first half earlier, but didn't have time to finish it, so this was just the ending. I'd like it if you could check out the first part of this chapter as well!
Thanks so much for critiquing!
~Madame Kool 
EDIT: greenjay, I'll explain later about Seden. |
_________________
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5272
Reviews: 1323
Country: England
590 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 8:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ah, a good end to the chapter. Just the one point to make -
Gently, the mist trailed down from the tree and let it's its large, green burden down across the wide, burned area that surrounded the king's camp.
Perhaps add a little more onto the end from Seden's point of view? But generally, I loved it and look forward to the next chapter. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aisho
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 78
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 1:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
Pfffft. What happened to more Brad/Kiera?
I'm obscenely enthralled by those two. :D I am *such* a sucker for a good romance. Not to mention I love the idea of you strapping her to his back for a road trip. NO. PERSONAL. SPACE. Hell yes. Sign me up! lol
The others pretty much said it all, and I was reading it too fast to notice anything real technical. I was eager to see "Brad," "Kiera," or "net" somewhere.
Well. Keep them coming PLEASE! :D
- aisho |
_________________
I see no difference in race, color, religion, or sexual orientation. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who accept others unlike themselves, and those who do not.
Which are you? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
