Topic ID: 19612
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-Save-Ferris-
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 Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:38 pm Post subject: Titleless |
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OK this isn't anywhere near finished yet I just want to know what you all think and help me a little bit. It still needs more to it I know. This is literally just my first sribbling from my notebook. Please tell me what you think so far.
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If you had to tear down these walls,
and repaint them,
please let it be for any other reason but this.
Feel free to redo the woodwork and touch up the cracks,
we're all needing that done after all.
But don't take your inspiration from colourcard 8S
or any other similar shades
Because their patterns and colours just don't mix
And if you've changed your patterns because you think we've left you monotone,
Then just turn to our walls
and see you're just not following suit
You designed them the way you did,
so don't say we've made you this hue.
You can retouch those walls as much as you like if you still care for our shades
And don't go picking that pattern that has left so many others feeling dizzy and thinking what did I do with these walls?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yeah so as you can see not finished but yeah please feel free to rip this to shreds. |
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Last edited by -Save-Ferris- on Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:01 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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You're right about it not being finished, but I did enjoy this. "Repait" was a typo. (Just to tell ya!Sometimes, they seem to slip past...)
I think you could be a little clearer, and your layout needs a little work, but I really think there's something special here. Your phrasing is very good throughout. I'm beginning to feel what you're getting at, but amn't totally clear yet...
Overall, I found this interesting and hope that you will post the next draft when you're done with it. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, it's just hard to say anything useful when this isn't wholly formed yet. A little polish and tightening up, and this could be very impressive. Good luck. |
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xanthan gum
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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*repaint , perhaps ?
I love the reference to the specific colorcard 8s. It makes the adjectives vibrant.
I think the last line is too long to make it climatic. I'd trim both of those last two lines down. |
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CrystalSorceress
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:42 am Post subject: |
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Okay, this was a very interesting poem. It definitely caught my attention.
One thing about it though, was that I kept expecting something unexpected to happen, like a sudden twist or something, but it didn't. This isn't necessarily bad, it just wasn't what I was expecting.
Also, I'm wondering, is there some hidden metaphor to this? Because if there is, I didn't really pick up on it. It seems like the kind of piece where there would be one though.
I agree with Xanthan Gum that the last line is a little long, and it doesn't really flow with the rest of the poem, so if you gave it a haircut, it might work better.
Over all, I think this looks promising. I think it just needs some editing, and maybe making parts of it a little more clear. Other than the things mentioned above, I don't see much that needs changing.
Keep writing!
-Sorceress |
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-Save-Ferris-
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks never noticed this typo.
Yeah the ending isn't complete yet and probably needs the most work. Byt yeah thank you all for the positive feedback (: |
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RED
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| Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: |
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I would definitely have to agree with the previous posts. I didn't catch the metaphor, and nothing really climactic about it, but I really liked it for that reason, I think. It's not like other poems, which I commend you on.
There are great adjectives, that one typo, but you've already noticed it. And it was just well written. I enjoyed it because it makes me think about those walls, and being dizzied by the colos. It's odd really, I always try to discover hidden meanings in poems that I think the writer is talking about, but this one was really just what it is. Painting walls.
Although, I am intrigued becuase the first couple of lines talk about not painting the walls for a certain reason, and I just have to know, what reason were you thinking of when you wrote that? The hidden mystery not yet discovered by me..and now it'll bug me until I find out. 
Well done, my dear. It was a great poem. Very...distinguishing.
[Caitlin] |
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xhalcyonx128
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| Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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you lost me.
lol
first of all go back and eliminate any unnecessary words to make it read smoother as a poem should.
"we're all needing that done after all" this line bothered me, gramatically speaking, its very rough.
this does need some work, but all poetry needs some work, keep going with it, it could be very good.
after rereading a few times i was sortof able to pull the meaning from this, that people can change small things about themselves (which is needed every now and again) but they shouldn't change who they are, or else they won't be recognis able to relate with their friends and may regret it.
let me know if i got close. |
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-Save-Ferris-
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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| That's pretty much exactly right (: |
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