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sokool15
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 Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:13 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 18 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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How can you feel as if something is wrong? I think that this chapter's just fine. In fact, I love it, especially the discussion between Valery and Erik at the end. I do have a few pointers but where plot and characterization our concerned, it's perfect -
Seden perched silently on in the tree, waiting in the dark.
He couldn't see, so he concentrated all of his hearing on his surroundings, tensing at every whisper of the breeze.
"I've hunted Nite Cat's Cats since I was just a boy, but it never gets any easier. You just never know when they're going to leap out at you."
Nite Cat's Cats, you have to admit, are very amazing animals. Wouldn't they be more useful if they were on your
side?" [Perhaps 'our' rather than 'your' and no need to start a new line. Probably just a typo.]
"A very well thought out sentiment, Sed," said Brad. [Have you tried reading this aloud? Lol. Perhaps 'noted' instead of 'said' or something.]
In it's its light he found the path and started towards his home.
Cat nodded, taking a deep, shuddering breath. She stood up straight and when she spoke again, it was a little more happily and shrilly her tone of voice was happier and a touch more shrill.
"You and Brad seem to share a similar skill with your eyes.
"Dominic, much as I'd like to be able too, I can't read your mind. Please explain to me exactly what you need Erik and I to do."
"Why?" asked Valery, sounding confused confusedly. |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: |
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I wondered why you hadn't posted in a while. Anyway, welcome back.
I didn't find any grammatical errors or anything, but I did find one thing kind of strange. The whole dialoge with Erik seems kind of against his character. He's acts sarcastic, and as far as I know that is not like Erik. You know best but from my view the dialoge seems a bit out of character.
Good job on the rest though! I liked the nite cat thing  .
-GJ |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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Ah... You're right though. There was something about this one but I couldn't quite place it... Anyway. I liked the first bit with Seden and Brad even though I thought he was suppose to be out on his mission with Keira.
I wondered why Brad's eyes glowed but if its cause of the Seer tribe you should say so, and if you said so than I feel like an idiot. *Breaths deeply* Okay, why was deLucio so reluctant to show them Annie Witcher Bubber?
If it had to do with what he was asking them to do then he shouldn't be so "ish" about it. So to speak. I aslo think the king and deLucio should be more skeptical about Annie's powers. If they're aren't many of them as Cat said why should they immediatly belieave her. Oh, and the inner conflict with Erik and Val was good.
I've rambled on far long enough. 
~Pol~ |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Ah, me... Clear some things up for a newbie. Who or what are the "Winged Mercenaries," and what's their purpose? Who are these winged people? |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Lol. They're the characters in sokool's novel. You'd have to read the other chapters for it to make sense and I strongly advise you to do so, they're very well written. |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
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sokool15
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| Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Aw, gee, thanks, Kitty *blushes and grins*
Yes, I'm afraid it would be very complicated to explain who the characters were if you didn't read the other seventeen chapters, which would explain it fairly well. 
I'd really appreciate your comments, if you decide to read my story!
Au revoir...
~Madame Kool  |
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