Topic ID: 1946
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mtempleton
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 25
Country: Scotland
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 11:52 am Post subject: |
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I'm liking this so far - lots of tension. I'm intrigued rather than confused so its a good opening.
I think there are a couple of typos though. I'm pretty sure that you spelled crucifixion wrong and you say ebon instead of ebony? In closing I think you repeat "very" too often. The image of a place called Death Savanna is powerful enough. I think you just need to say that it was accurately named.
Is this me being pedantic? I don't know. Anyway, I want to see where this goes. |
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those who trust in the Lord for strength will find their strength renewed
they will rise on wings like eagles
they will run and not get weary
they will walk and not grow weak |
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The Cheshire Cat
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 78
Reviews: 26
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: No Subject |
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Excellent job, loved the flow of the writing. The story has me intrigued already. I know what you mean about writing seeming so short when you post it, then when its first in your writing document - ugh. I thought you did a good job, though, working with what you had. I'll definitely be back for more.
A little bit of constructive criticism:
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| The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so inevitable fall towards the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims souls left their bodies. |
The flow of this paragraph seems to be a bit off, and that second sentence is a bit too long. Adding 'The' at the beginning of chapters dulls down the whole WOW effect. I try never to begin a story or chapter with the word 'The'. An example of a revised version might be, "Crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of an obscure figures head, wavering for a moment before holding steady." Eliminating the 'The' adds more of an urgent feeling and gets your readers hooked.
The second sentence can easily be broken into two, while still holding all the the great details and power. An idea could be "The cold heartless eyes that stared into the scope awaited the oh-so-inevitable fall towards the ground. These chilling eyes had seen such a feat countless times before, as the victims soul left their bodies."
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| His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet. |
You use 'took' twice too close together. I think you should either change one word or delete it. "it lay on the trigger" or "His gloved, right forefinger grabbed control of everything" There are lot's of great online Thesauruses that can help out with repeating words. Google 'Thesaurus' and you're made ;)
Great job with your first chapter! Can't wait to read more! |
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I'm a litte worried by the fact that the best writing I do is usually done when I am either sleep deprived or highly caffenated. |
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Whisper91
Junior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 31
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
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I only read your post, so you might find my remarks repetitious. Remarks are in braces ({}):
The crosshairs fixed themselves upon the middle of the obscure figure's head. The cold, heartless eyes that stared into the scope hungrily awaited the oh so {drop the "oh so"} inevitable fall towards {"towards" is the British equivalent of the American "toward"} the ground that they had seen countless times before, as their victims {should have an apostrophe at the end: victims'} souls left thier {spelling} bodies. The crosshairs were a sort of cross of crusifiction {spelling} to Sade Moraniz, a pathway {Why not just "path"?} to whatever awaited them after their unexpected death. {You begin every sentence in this paragraph with "the." Add some variety.}
"Surprise, surprise," Moraniz muttered under his breath. His gloved right forefinger took control of everything. It took place on the trigger and stroked it like a pet. {How about, "His gloved forefinger brushed on the trigger, stroking it like a pet."} Moraniz's low breaths grew even. He inhaled.
His forefinger suddenly tightened and squeezed its pet. {Drop "and squeezed its pet."} Moraniz's frigid eyes watched once again the all to {spelling} familiar death fall. {Drop "once again."} Moraniz exhaled. He arose from his gaze at the now empty cross, and stood. {How about "He stood from his gaze through the empty cross."}
Sorry, but I've got to run. I know it wasn't much, but maybe it will help. |
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Motive, according to & through Triple G, determines value.
Isaac Mullins Copyright © 2008 |
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Cobra
Earth's husk burns beneath my feet
Novelist
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Age: 14
Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Posts: 418
Reviews: 25
Country: Land of the Dead
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh, yeah. You say you need a better title than "Demon chapter 1." I have two suggestions for you. How about "Otherworld" or "Nightfall?" They're not very good but they're all I can come up with for now. |
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The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home. |
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