Topic ID: 19405
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
thething912
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 442
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:21 pm Post subject: The haunted. |
 |
|
The haunted.
By greenfire42.
Act One: Beginning of the haunting.
Scene One: Noises.
Setting: In John’s house.
It all started one Saturday when John heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
John: “Who’s there? Mom, is that you?”
John is only nine years old. John goes up the stairs to find no one is there. The next day, John hears a baby crying. John goes into the room where he heard the crying only to find nothing. John goes to tell his parents about his experiences.
John: “Mom, yesterday I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and today I heard a baby crying.”
Mother: “I think you’re delusional, we better take you to a doctor.”
Scene Two: The doctor.
Setting: The doctor’s office.
Doctor: “So, what’s been going on?”
John: “I’ve been hearing things.”
Doctor, “We better give you a Cat scan.”
John goes to get his cat scan.
Doctor: “Well, everything seems to look normal, I don’t know why you’re hearing things. I would suggest that you get more sleep.”
John: “Okay, thanks doctor.”
Scene three: A man
Setting: The hallway.
The next day John sees a man looking right at him.
John: “Aah!”
John runs into the other room.
Mom: “What just happened?”
John: “I saw a man looking at me.”
Dad: “I’ll go get my gun.”
The father looks around the house to find that no one is there.
Dad; “Son, there is no one here. Are you being veracious?”
John, “I know what I saw.”
Act Two :The middle of the haunting.
Scene One: A scream.
Setting: The kitchen.
The mother hears a scream.
Mother: “Aah! John is that you?”
The mother looks around to find that no one is there.
Mother: “I just heard a noise.”
Father; “Are you sure?”
Mother: “Yes.”
The father looks around to find no one.
Scene Two: A man.
The mother is standing in the hall when she sees a man looking at her.
Mother:“Who are you?”
The man disappears.
The mother tells the father about the experience.
Mother: “I just saw a man in the hallway.”
Father, “You sure?”
Mother: “Yes.”
The father looks around to find nothing.
Scene three: A orb.
Setting: In the bedroom.
Later that day, John is home alone when he hears a baby crying. He decides to investigate.
He goes into the room to find an orb flouting in the middle of the room. He runs out and calls his parents.
John, on the phone: “Dad, please come home soon.”
The father comes home.
Father: “What happened?”
John: “I saw an orb.”
The father looks but doesn’t find anything.
Father: “Well, I looked but didn’t find anything. Are you sure you saw something?”
John, “Yes; I think the house is haunted.”
Father, “That’s preposterous.”
John: “Well, how do you explain the man, the footsteps and the baby crying?”
Father: “I don’t know, but, I think you’re crazy. I’m taking you to see a psychologist.”
Scene four: The psychologist .
Setting: The psychologist office.
Psychologist, “What’s been going on lately?”
John, lying on the couch: “I’ve been seeing things and hearing voices in my house.”
Psychologist, “What kind of things did you hear?”
John, “Well, initially, I heard footsteps then I heard a baby crying and I saw a man.”
Psychologist, “What did the man look like?”
John, “He was old and tall, plus, he was wearing clothes from the 30's. I think he was a ghost.”
Psychologist: “A ghost you say?”
John: “Yeah.”
Psychologist: “I think you’re seeing things. Take this medicine and maybe the ghost will go away.”
John: “I’m not seeing things; the house is haunted.”
Psychologist, “You really should take the medicine.”
Scene five: A cry.
Setting: The bedroom.
It’s now been three days since the haunting started. The father is cleaning out the bedroom when he hears a baby cry. A few minutes later, he sees a woman and a man enter the room but they quickly vanish. The father is now talking to himself.
Father: “ Oh my god, they were right, the house is haunted.”
Act Three: The end of the haunting.
Later that day the father decides to call someone.
Father: “Thanks for showing up. My wife and son are happy to see that you’re here.”
Ghost hunter: “No problem. I’m going to walk around to see if I can locate the ghost.”
Father: “Okay.”
The ghost hunter walks around the house and locates the ghost. He decides to talk to the ghost.
Ghost hunter: “You must leave this house and go to heaven.”
The ghost leaves through a portal.
Father: “What made these ghost stay here.”
Ghost hunter: “Ghosts tend to stay at the place where they died.”
Father: “How did they die?”
Ghost hunter: In a car crash in 1930.”
Father: “Oh, okay.”
The ghost hunter leaves John’s house. His family continue to live in the house. They no longer experience paranormal experiences. The end. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2016
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
350 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 6:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is a rather short script, m'dear. It's very rushed and nondescriptive- I know scripts are supposed to be that way, but usually they're longer with longer and more in-depth scenes. All I see here are characters doing things seemingly randomly.
Your scenes are very short and very weak; there's a small blip of action and then BOOM! Next scene. This won't hold an audience's attention for very long. There's got to be more substance, more reason to care. More of a buildup, more of a climax, and more of falling action. More more more.
And the "happily ever after" style ending is just a giant no-no.
I know hardly anything about writing scripts, but I'm sure if you poke around the Writing Tutorials Database for a while, you'll find some tutorial on how to write scripts. I'll put a link here if I find one. 
PM me if you have any questions.
All the best.
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
| Back to top |
|
-KayJuran-
Translator Extraordinaire!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 15 Nov 2004
Posts: 1325
Reviews: 324
Country: Scotland!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 10:17 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Some formatting tips! =D
| Quote: |
| It all started one Saturday when John heard footsteps coming down the stairs. |
This should not even be put into a script. It's fine in a short story or a novel, but in scripts you only have three things: description, dialogue and action.
Now, the actual way you format it depends largely on whether you intend this to be a play on the stage or a screenplay. Personally, I have more experience with screenplays, so I can give more advice on this area.
For example, here is how you could reformat the first part:
| Quote: |
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
John is nine years old. He hears footsteps on the stairs.
JOHN
Who's there? Mom, is that you?
He goes upstairs but sees no-one. |
For more info, try these links:
http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/howtoformatascreenplay
http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/eng/howtoformatastageplay
Format aside, I think you could try giving it more suspense, putting something paranormal in, or mixing genres to make it more interesting. =)
Any questions, feel free to PM me. Good luck with it!
Kay. |
_________________
"There you go - sausages à la bread!" - Blue. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Someguy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 234
Reviews: 206
Country: Somewhere in the South...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 2:48 pm Post subject: Smaal |
|
|
This was a small script, and not much happesned. You were running through the story, you could've added more detail.
Make it a bit longer. |
_________________
IM BACK!!! for now |
|
| Back to top |
|
jonny911
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Oct 2007
Posts: 203
Reviews: 62
Country: Amereuroafristrallsia... Nevermind.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 8:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't think it's a very good script. It's way to short, and the scenes don't flow well and breaks occur way to often. Some parts don't make sense, either. No parent would take their child to the doctor if they said they heard something, they'd say to get more sleep. Also, when his child says he saw a man, who had been thought crazy the day before, the father gets his gun. But when his wife sees a man, he just looks around.
Overall, IMO you should rethink your plot seriously first, and then add drama and detail. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
