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ATragicLoveStory
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 Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 4:19 pm Post subject: Venomous Attraction |
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Venomous Attraction
The poison escapes your lips
And encircles mine
Threatening to enter
The fumes envelop me
Making me woozy
Unraveling my inhibitions
And revealing my insecurities
The venom enters my veins
Circulating throughout my body
Rushing towards my brain
Sudden arousal
Explosion of emotions
Flood of pleasure
The point of no return... |
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GingerLizzy
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green
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| Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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Wow I liked this, as it was strange and gives off two impressions of what it is really about.
For example, when I was reading it, I first thought that it was about horrible and mallicious things that were being said to one person.
But when I reached that final verse and line, I realised that this was a tale of a strang romance maybe, whihc I don't really understand that much. Silly me. =]
But I enjoyed it and the imagary and flow were great, so keep up the good work. |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:36 am Post subject: |
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xImperfectlyPerfectx --
This is like fishing with dynamite. It completely misses the manufactured breathless quality of intoxication, though I thought the first line was a step in the right direction for what would almost certainly turn out to be a more thought provoking poem. However, the follow-up to your opening ("And encircles mine," ad nauseum) is not worth saving.
Best,
Brad |
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She Writes
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| Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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Its cool, Steph. Sorry, I dont have too much to say..but its the weather  |
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Meep
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| Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 2:10 am Post subject: |
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I like the first line and the last, but none in between, except maybe "the venom enters my veins/ ... /rushing towards my brain."
I think this is an issue of write what you know. Your profile says you're 16; I'm hoping you've never been intoxicated. This seems to be told from the point of view of a narrator who is intoxicated and, quite possibly, having sex against his or her better judgment. It's a pretty powerful subject, but unless you've been there and done that, it will be almost impossible to capture.
Write about things you've experienced. I think you'll find it's easier to express things you've felt. |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Steph!
As long as I'm here, I'll comment!
Okay, well the beginning sounds good, but then it just confuses me. Some of the concepts don't really match each other.
Timea |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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I second Incandescence--this just doesn't give off what it should, though the first line is well written. But, I'll expand on that and see if I can give some tips.
The first thing that hits me is that I can't feel anything while reading this. You're talking about intoxication and poison and what ever else, but I can't feel any of it. You're going to want to fix this, since this poem pretty much thrives off of feelings (emotional and sensory). To do so, try working with imagery of the senses. Touch, taste, sent, sight, sound, mix it all together with some metaphors... Really, doing that can bring so much into your poetry.
This kind of has to do with the last thing mentioned, but I'll still point it out. You did a lot of telling--which just ends up shoving the reader out of the poem and we're forced to watch, and that is boring, especially when there isn't anything to watch! We're just listening to something happening. Does that make sense?
Just another comment on something big: punctuation! Don't forget to punctuate your poetry. It is very important.
Here are some articles that might help you out:
Poetry & Punctuation
Emotional Poetry
Right Word, Right Time
And my very last comment, read more poetry! Reading poetry is the most helpful thing you can do as a growing poet. Best of luck. |
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