Topic ID: 19151
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 668
Reviews: 353
Country: Wunderbar!
364 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 6:06 pm Post subject: Mercenary Wings 17 |
 |
|
|
_________________
"Gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at."
~Terry Pratchett, "Small Gods"
Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:49 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4853
Reviews: 1306
Country: England
1578 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Loved it dear. A very romantic, delightful chapter and I'm starting to see some similarities between Annie and her sister. That's a good thing. They were a touch too diverse before. Some good conflict and generally very well written as always but you did make a few typos...
The native was quite a hand with a sword, and took out a lot of the men himself, while the brown smoke women choked a whole bunch more of t hem. [I'm sure you can see it for yourself. Look at the last word =)]
She clutched Brad's neck, but the strength of his arms about her waste waist made her feel secure, as if she wasn't flying hundreds of feet up in the air.
Scarcely had the words left her mouth when she felt strong hands catching her waste waist and the wind rushing past her face.
Overall, great chapter and I can't wait to read the next. No Seden in this one though? A shame, I've grown rather fond of him and I'm missing Val and Erik as bad as that may sound... |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 387
Reviews: 182
Country: here
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
New chapter, yay! On to reading  .
Ah...my comment is...good job! I didn't find anything wrong except for the typos that kitty mentioned. Keep it up.
-GJ |
_________________
“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fan
Tea please......
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 591
Reviews: 159
Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe
447 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 8:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi, sokool.
Kitty's pretty much picked out the typos but I will very gladly second what she has said in that this is a good chapter.
I keep trying to read the rest but I keep getting kicked off the computer.  Only finishing chapter 2. |
_________________
"A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."
Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Poltergiest
Akatsuki Jam!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 848
Reviews: 164
Country: That one place that's somewhere.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved it. As usual. Uh, I like how Annie was really emotionless n'stuff. I think Cat should have been two, that would ahve been cooler, for some reason.
Uh, whe deLucio takes Annie into the tent shouldn't he accually use the silver? If it stunts her powers wouldn't that be good? Anyway, It was good you had a reasonable response to the question why wouldn't she just blow up the whole camp.
I love Kiera and Brad! Yay! They should so get together. Anyways... Yea, thats it.
~Pol~ |
_________________
I used to rule the world, see it rise when I gave the word, now in the morning I sleep alone, sweep the streets I used to own
-Coldplay, Viva La Viva |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aisho
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 78
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 9:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
VERY good. :D I loved the interaction between Brad and Kiera!
"Sorry I was so abrupt. Yes it is a pleasant evening. I need to talk to you."
This is what I mean when I start rambling on about staccato writing. Instead of losing the commas and the fluidity--many people talk like this, I know, but you can write it so that they SPEAK staccato without making you WRITE staccato.
"I apologize for being so abrupt--the evening is quite pleasant."OR (because for some reason I can't put them together like that, it just doesn't flow for me) "I apologize for being so abrupt, but I need to talk to you."
These are just suggestions, I wouldn't presume to rewrite your work ^_^;
They're just examples. I LOVED IT. :) Annie is amazing, I would really enjoy reading more about her. |
_________________
I see no difference in race, color, religion, or sexual orientation. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who accept others unlike themselves, and those who do not.
Which are you? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
