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Leja
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 Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 6:32 pm Post subject: Check, Mate |
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A script for a radio drama. Well, this shall be interesting...
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-Theme Song-
1.1: Sidewalk
-Intro Music-
Change jingles, the taxi cab’s door clicks, taxi speeds off. NORA, a second year college student out of the country for the first time, calls down the street after the car
NORA
Thank you!
Nora knocks on the front door and JANICE JOHNSON, an elderly lady living in the boarding house, answers the door
JANICE JOHNSON [yells, over-pronouncing each word]
Hello! You must be Nora; Dee told me you were coming! I’m Mrs. Johnson, but you can call me Janice. How was your flight?
Footsteps run from down the hall and MS. DEE comes to the door.
DEE
Janice, could you make sure the chicken isn’t burning?
JANICE
What’s that Dee?
DEE
The CHIC-KEN!
JANICE
Oh, of course dear, you don’t have to be so loud about it.
Janice’s footsteps echo down the hall
DEE
Well, don’t just stand out there, inside now.
Nora steps inside and the door closes behind her
DEE
Let me have your sweater, then; [voice becomes distant] I’ll just hang it on the coat rack here. [voice returns to normal] Kitchen on the left, living room on the right, hallway straight ahead next to the stairs is to the bathroom, laundry room, and yard. Let’s have your suitcase then; I’ll show you to your room.
Pause in which Dee presumably tries to lift Nora’s suitcase
DEE
Oi, good Lord, child, what did y’ put in this thing?
NORA
A bit of reading.
DEE [mutters]
One suitcase you bring and load it with reading You’ll fit in with that university crowd all right. You could give Ralph a run for his money with all those books [yells] Dmitri! Dmitri!
DMITRI [from upstairs]
What?
DEE [yells]
I need you to come here, that’s what!
footsteps trample downstairs
DMITRI
What’s that again?
DEE
Nora needs help carrying a rhinoceros.
DMITRI [suddenly soft spoken]
Oh, of course.
Dee’s voice fades into background
NORA [whispers]
Thank you.
DEE
Stop dawdling, the both of you. Now as I was saying. This first landing. On the left, my and Maggie’s room. The right: Herbert and Janice.
footsteps on the stairs as the three ascend
DEE
Don’t put that bag down Dmitri; we’re not there yet. Nora: Dmitri’s room is on the left, Ralph’s on the right.
dialogs continues as they proceed upstairs
DEE
But don’t worry too much about Ralph; I suspect he only comes out during the full moon.
Dmitri chuckles
DEE
Here. Fourth floor. Your room on the left, Rosie’s palace on the right.
DMITRI
She’s had the whole floor to herself for years now, and I don’t know how well she’ll take to sharing.
Dee opens the door to Nora’s room
DEE
Well, here we are. I’ll yell up when dinner’s ready.
NORA [softly]
Thank…you.
Dmitri and Dee walk back downstairs, the door shuts as Dmitri goes back to his room.
-Transition Music-
1.2: Dinner
Nora’s footsteps on the stairs echo as the conversation in the dining room becomes louder and louder.
DEE
Hello, Nora, nice of you to join us. You’ve met Janice already—
JANICE
Hello again, dear, nice to see you again. I hope you’ve settled in alright. I’d offer to help, but these bones can’t make it up those stairs like they used to! Although—
DEE [loudly]
And this is her husband Herbert.
JANICE [whispers loudly]
Herb! Say hello to the new girl.
HERB
Hello, eh,…
DEE
Nora.
HERB
That’s right, Nora. Hello then, Nora. How are you doing?
NORA
Fine, thanks. Nice to see you again, Janice and Dee; nice to meet you Herb.
chair scrapes
NORA
Ouch!
DEE
What is it?
NORA
I think I sat on… a fork…
DEE [exasperated]
Margaret Denise Winfred! You come out this minute!
A little girl laughs in the background
DEE
I hear you behind those curtains. Now go run and put on your pajamas.
shuffling of feet
DEE
That’s my niece. Goodness knows where her parents are this time of year. Flying through Antarctica, no doubt; no place for a little girl.
clobbering footsteps down the stairs
DEE [mutters]
There’s Dmitri.
DMITRI
Sorry I’m late, Dee, but I just had one more paragraph to write and couldn’t tear myself away. How are you doing Mr. Johnson, Mrs. Johnson?
HERBERT
Dmitri Kalarcze, I hope you’ve been studying hard. I’m going to need a doctor to fix my hearing in a couple of years.
DMITRI
Don’t worry Mr. Johnson, I’ve got everything under control.
DEE
Save it, Dmitri. He’s studying to be a doctor, Nora. But Dmitri, I saw those books you took out months ago.
NORA
When’s the paper due?
DMITRI
Wednesday.
NORA [laughs]
Nice.
DEE
And speaking of which, you never properly introduced yourself to the new tenant. Here you are sitting right next to here and you barely say a word. Some manners we’ve taught you.
DMITRI [through a mouthful of food]
Nice to meet you.
Dee kicks Dmitri under the table
DEE
Blockhead.
DMITRI
Ow, Dee, did you have to kick me? That’s the knee I rest my notebook on. How will I finish my paper now?
NORA
Nice to meet you, Dmitri Kavarcze.
DMITRI
Nice to meet you, Nora…
NORA
Blythe.
DMITRI
Nice to meet you, Nora Blythe.
kissing sound
HERBERT
What a gentleman, kissing her hand and everything. What were you saying about manners, Dee?
Dee grumbles incoherently; Rosie walks into the room
DMITRI
Hey! Rosie!
DEE
Nice of you to join us. This is Nora.
ROSIE [skeptically]
Hi… Nora.
DMITRI
Yeah, you’re going to have to give up half the fourth floor now, Sleeping Beauty.
ROSIE [giggly]
Yeah; and there’s be no boys allowed! Nyh!
DMIRTI
Oh that’s real mature, sticking your tongue out at me. What are you now, a first year university student? Shouldn’t you be above that?
ROSIE
Yeah? Well I skipped. You’re the one who’s being immature, third year at the university and all.
DMITRI
Look. Just because--
DEE
We’re so happy to have some normal dinner conversation around here, Nora. You’re an exchange student, yes?
NORA
Yes, New York, actually.
ROSIE
The city? I’ve always wanted to go there.
NORA
No, upstate New York. Lot of trees, very snowy.
JANICE
Couldn’t you hear her accent, Dee? No mistaking that American speech.
Dee [sighs]
Are you here to study, or are you planning on staying longer?
NORA
I just needed… a change of pace for a while. I saw a flyer to study abroad two weeks ago, and now here I am. Studying literature for the year.
DEE [mutters]
Well, that explains all the books.
DMITRI
Rosie and I attend the university as well.
ROSIE [side note to Nora]
Though I should have a talk with whoever accepted him.
Chatter continues
-Ending Music-
---
No, you didn't miss it; I didn't say which country she's in. It doesn't really matter, at the moment.
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sokool15
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Hee hee...I really, really enjoyed this. A wonderful job. I could almost hear it as you were writing. The dialogue was very good, natural, flowed smoothly and nicely. Your cues, etc, were very nicely done. Not too much to interrupt the flow of the story. I'll totally read the next part when you have it up!
Comma after 'that', yes?
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| But don’t worry too much about Ralph; I suspect he only comes out during the full moon. |
Tee hee...I liked that part.  It make me giggle. I can't wait to see what Ralph is actually like.
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| I think I sat on… a fork… |
LOL! That's JUST like something my little brother would do. He loves hiding under the table, too.
| Quote: |
| We’re so happy to have some normal dinner conversation around here, Nora. You’re an exchange student, yes? |
Lol, normal.
Very good job. I really enjoyed it. Congratulations on a nice script...so far *hem hem*
Au revoir!
~Madamoiselle Kool  |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 5:05 pm Post subject: Re: Check, Mate |
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Hee, I really like this... do I sense romantic tension between Dmitri and Nora? Oooh. You've done a great job here, but a couple of things:
There were one or two little grammar glitches - I think you meant to put a period in here:
| Quote: |
| load it with reading You’ll fit in with |
And there were also a few of places where the stage directions were meant to be italicized and weren't; I can't find them now but one of them was at the "kissing noise" part.
I've never written a radio drama, but I've listened to a few. The first section is great, but in section 1.2 I think the dialogue gets a tad unrealistic in places. The part where they're "since you're in your third year at university and all," et cetera, comes across as something that's there completely for our benefit rather than something that they would say naturally. Perhaps you can use the fact that they're introducing themselves to Nora (as well as the audience) to your advantage - "Dmitri's in his third year at university... but you'd never know by the way he acts," or something like that. This is a challenging medium, since you can't even do proper stage directions because you're limited to audio.
| Quote: |
JANICE
Couldn’t you hear her accent, Dee? No mistaking that American speech.
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I feel like this would be a little more relevant if this were a text meant to be read silently, but since it's going to be spoken aloud, we'll hear Nora's accent, won't we? Again, it sounds like something that was placed there just for the audience's benefit.
Your characters are fun, I can't wait to see what this Ralph fellow is like. I enjoyed the bit of humor provided by the niece, and Janice's character is quite amusing as well. Very well written, looking forward to the next chapter.  |
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Leja
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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| The part where they're "since you're in your third year at university and all," et cetera, comes across as something that's there completely for our benefit rather than something that they would say naturally. |
ooh, thanks; I'll be sure to look at that again. Most definitely a challenge 
Ralph is a funny character, though you won't be seeing him around for a while, as he's not very social ^_^
I think I shall leave in the part about Janice, though, as she is hard of hearing and has a tendency to state the obvious ^.^ |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 9:08 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good, Amelia and I love how you've introduced the characters. A few specific points first...
DEE
Stop dawdling, the both of you. Now as I was saying. This first landing. On the left, my [I think this should probably be 'mine'] and Maggie’s room. The right: Herbert and Janice.
dialogues continues as they proceed upstairs
Here you are sitting right next to here and you barely say a word.
kissing sound [I think this should be in brackets seenas it's an audio script and this will probably be done with sound effects so you don't want it being mistaken for dialogue or 'stage directions']
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Altogether, your conversations were very interesting and I love Dmitri and Janice. You've done a great job at establishing their characters in such a short space of time. As for the plot, it seems rather flat at the moment but then, these are only introductory scenes and there's the potential for a good love story and perhaps some interesting conflicts so no worries. Work on making the speech a touch more natural and let me know when you post more of this because I'd love to read it.
Oh yeah, perhaps a little description of the scene at the beginning of each act would be nice. I haven't listened to many audio scripts but I'm pretty sure it would work and it would add to the atmosphere. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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I kinda forgot a scene above... Actually, I'm still not sure if I want to put the scene where it's currently slotted because I wanted to leave the first installment on a happy note, but I'll leave it for now. So here it is:
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1.3: Nora's Room
telephone rings
NORA picks up phone
Yes?
KYLE, Nora's former boyfriend from America is on the other line
How are you?
NORA
Not in the mood to talk to you. What do you think you're doing?
KYLE hopeful
Where are you? I can come pick you up and we'll grab a pizza to talk it over.
NORA
A pizza isn't going to fix it, Kyle. And you'd have to bus tables for a month to cover the plane fare--
KYLE interrupting
You left?! I didn't think you were serious!
Kyle's yelling continues in the background
NORA over Kyle's voice
Why don't we stop wasting each other's time. Goodbye, Kyle.
Nora hangs up and the phone clicks; cries softly |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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I think I like the scene because it adds some background history and gives a reason for Nora not seeming too social at this point. One suggestion though -
And you'd have to bus tables for a month to cover the plane fare-- [This doesn't really make sense. Perhaps it's American slang but what do you mean by 'bus tables'] |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
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| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Huh, maybe it is an American thing; "bus tables" is the job of the "busboy" (but they're not technically called that very often), it just means to clear the plates and wipe off the table after a restaurant customer has left. |
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sokool15
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| Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this. I have heard of 'bussing tables' but not 'busboy.' I don't know. But if she is American, she would use Amercian terms, yes? So you choose.
Anyway, I really liked that, because like Heather said it sort of gives us reasons why she is the way she is and a little background. |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
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| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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Hmmmm....I like Nora a lot at this point. Mostly because she seems like an older, calmer version of me (I'm OFTW!!!), which is not only insanely cool but kinda creepy.... the books over clothing and shy demeanor things. Ah-huh. Totally me in RL. :*nods*:
I'd like to see where this goes, honestly. I sense romantic interest vibes rolling of Dmitri at Nora and a rather jealous Dee in their future.
I have nothing text-wise to nitpick; everyone's already nit-combed that. (Pardon the expression, if you will. ^_~)
It does frustrate me a bit, though, the lack of character/surroundings description. But I'll get used to it.
It might be a bit out-of-place to suggest this, but if you could, like, post character profiles, I'd have a much easier time reading these things. 0_0 I keep out-of-habitually looking for description and...I'm not getting it....
As a radio drama, I think it would be very cool to listen to.
Erm....that was an absolutely useless review....sorry....>.>" 'tis hard to pull off a worthwhile review when you don't have any descriptions to pick apart....XD |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:20 am Post subject: |
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I'd like to see where this goes, honestly. I sense romantic interest vibes rolling of Dmitri at Nora and a rather jealous Dee in their future.
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Nora/Dmitri: hehehe
Dee: ... I suppose I should go back and clear a few things up; Nora/Dmitri/Rosie are all younger, more like college-age; Ralph... hibernates, so who knows how old he is, lol; Janice and Herbert are in their eighties or nineties, and Dee is in her forties or so. As such, a romantic thing between Dee and Dmitri, while it would provide sufficient drama for the series is comparatively unlikely. Watch Rosie to provide that drama 
Hmm, I might get around to posting character profiles, since a few people have suggested it. When I do, I'll put it somewhere in Misc. and link it so I don't clutter up the scripts? |
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