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Saint Razorblade
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 Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:24 am Post subject: A Red Sunrise (updated 21.8.07) |
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Um... kind of random, really, kinda came from nowhere. Not sure what I want to do with it, but it can always be better.
Round Two, ladies and germs!
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A Red Sunrise
(version 2!)
It was early dawn, the sun just breaking over the horizon, shining off the sea. A few of the bolder waves lapped against my bare toes. High tide was fading fast. The sea breeze clashed with the smoke from my cigarette like violent lovers as they met on the way to my lungs. The seabirds squawked away all around me, breaking open clams and enjoying their early breakfast. One dropped a soft black feather at my feet. I picked it up and stuck it in my back pocket. A souvenir.
I gazed to the ground at my side, watching as the deep footprints, considerably smaller than my own, were eroded more and more with each passing wave. I felt a pang of sadness, but it was quickly washed away with the next wave.
I returned my eyes to the sea, my one and only love. Police sirens rang out in the distance, out on an early-morning crime. A crab scuttled by my foot, fighting the waves as it scuttled parallel to the sea, the seabirds in perfect predator form, patiently awaiting the arrival of this foolish prey. A few early bicyclists went past on the road behind me. I could feel their eyes on my neck, feel their hesitation. But they cycled on, leaving me to kick away the crab that pinched my toe. It wasn’t any of their business what a rather scraggly-looking man was doing standing on the beach, enjoying an early morning smoke.
What fools.
The sirens were getting louder, but I paid no mind. Their business was nothing to me. A smile curled my lips. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment of peace and serenity at the start of the day.
I checked the footprints again. They were almost completely gone, only a shallow pit remaining, which could have been from anything. I took one last look at the sea, and I dropped the butt of my cigarette and buried it in the sand.
The next second, I was knocked sideways onto the ground, the soggy sand clogging my nostrils. I felt the massive weight of two or three people on my back, and I sensed three or four guns pointed at me.
“Alexander Milbourne, you are hereby under arrest for the murder of Erica Rice-Milbourne,” a voice thundered from one of the bodies on my back. I felt my arms unceremoniously forced into handcuffs, strong hands grasping my shoulders and hauling me to my feet. The rest of the burly police officer’s words fell on deaf ears. I simply smiled as they led me to their cars and stuffed me in the back of one of them.
There was no more evidence.
I had already thrown my wedding ring into the sea. |
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Last edited by Saint Razorblade on Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:51 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:53 am Post subject: |
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Nice! Here are a few suggestions:
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| the cold water making me a bit shivery |
It's always too cheesy to say something made someone ____--it's something a five-year old would say. Instead, you should say "the cold water biting my toes" or something along the lines.
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| The morning air was brisk and fresh, carrying the ocean scent into my nostrils, where it met with the smoke of my cigarette in my throat, intertwining like unexpected lovers on the way to my lungs. |
This sentence is not too bad, though not only is it a bit confusing but also just a tad corny. "carrying air into my nostrils"? Nope--bad idea--have you ever considered air being carried into your nostrils? And cigarette smoke is much quicker and better. Plus, the "unexpected" could be exchanged for "a peculiar set of".
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| Today would be a hectic one at the office, that’s for certain. |
I am not saying this is bad, but... it's an amateur line. It sort of reminds you of the times when you began to write and added "of course" or "for sure" on every other statement line. Maybe italicize it and delete "that's for certain".
But here's the most important change you must make. The ending was not surprise. Here is how a story with a surprising story works:
A businessman comes to a B&B. He meets an incredibly nice landlady, but learns that the last man who stayed in it was from two years before. Then he sees that all the animals are actually stuffed. When she serves him tea it tastes like almonds, which is how poison tastes like.
We get to know the man, we see clues, and then we find an unexpected twist in the end that has to do with something we already saw.
Here's one that doesn't work:
A man lands on Mars, his spaceship is ruined. He meets three aliens. One of them wants to eat him, another one wants to learn from him, and another one just wants to befriend him. There is a fight and the befriending one wins. Suddenly a human jumps from the friendly alien's body and kills the hungry one, and then the human and the nice alien leave for Earth.
Do you understand? Maybe by completely altering the ending it could improve a bit more.
But the story was told as if it was magic! I liked it! |
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kayles
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 8:41 am Post subject: |
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Fantastic piece! The imagery is excellent and the twist is good, but I agree with gadi, if you were to tweak it a little, it could be even stronger. Personally, I would cut "Better to be safe than sorry" and alter the following action to hide the footprint, which will limit the foreshadowing of the ending. You could also cut "especially now", thats more foreshadowing - I guess it depends how much you want in there. And "washed down with the next wave" - perhaps just say "washed away" - you don't really need to bring attention to the wave, its self-evident.
Also, when he's pushed to the ground, you mention the sand, but you don't mention the waves - I got the impression before he was standing at least ankle deep. Perhaps you could add to this?
Great concept though, love it! |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed reading this and I like your character.
I can't say much as a lot was pointed out above.
In italics maybe?
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| Today would be a hectic one at the office, that's for certain. |
I think you're probably better off cutting this line completely.
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| They would never prove that Erica Rice-Milbourne, my wife of nineteen years, had died at my hands |
A lot of info crammed into a last line and it takes away the dramatics that I felt you were going to end the piece with. Maybe keep this but end the piece differently, with a reference to the sand/sea/ smile.....
Overall, a fantastic piece and it was very en-captivating!
Well done!
Alainna
xxxx |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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OK, pirate, This was very good... I am really creeped out by this . YOu have an excelent idea, and it was well written with fairly good description. Wow, this guy is twisted.....
The last sentence, as demonstrated above is just to wordy. there are also some punctuational errors but not major ones. Fix it and it's great. |
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Last edited by canislupis on Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:16 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Saint Razorblade
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 6:51 am Post subject: |
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Revised! Thanks everbody, I think you'll like this ending much better. To be honest, I really hated the old one, but I love this one.  |
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Crucifix
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 4:44 pm Post subject: Re: A Red Sunrise (updated 21.8.07) |
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| Razorblade_Saint wrote: |
A Red Sunrise
(version 2!)
It was early dawn, the sun just breaking over the horizon, shining off the sea. A few of the bolder waves lapped against my bare toes. High tide was fading fast. The sea breeze clashed with the smoke from my cigarette like violent lovers as they met on the way to my lungs. The seabirds squawked away all around me, breaking open clams and enjoying their early breakfast. One dropped a soft black feather at my feet. I picked it up and stuck it in my back pocket. A souvenir.
How can you have bold waves? You're explaining them as if they have charecteristics, but they don't. Maybe some of the stronger waves would be better?
I gazed to the ground at my side, watching as the deep footprints, considerably smaller than my own, were eroded more and more with each passing wave. I felt a pang of sadness, but it was quickly washed away with the next wave.
The footsteps or the sadness?
I returned my eyes to the sea, my one and only love. Police sirens rang out in the distance, out on an early-morning crime. A crab scuttled by my foot, fighting the waves as it scuttled parallel to the sea, the seabirds in perfect predator form, patiently awaiting the arrival of this foolish prey. A few early bicyclists went past on the road behind me. I could feel their eyes on my neck, feel their hesitation. But they cycled on, leaving me to kick away the crab that pinched my toe. It wasn’t any of their business what a rather scraggly-looking man was doing standing on the beach, enjoying an early morning smoke.
What fools.
Fools because they looked at him? Strange.
The sirens were getting louder, but I paid no mind. Their business was nothing to me. A smile curled my lips. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment of peace and serenity at the start of the day.
I checked the footprints again. They were almost completely gone, only a shallow pit remaining, which could have been from anything. I took one last look at the sea, and I dropped the butt of my cigarette and buried it in the sand.
The next second, I was knocked sideways onto the ground, the soggy sand clogging my nostrils. I felt the massive weight of two or three people on my back, and I sensed three or four guns pointed at me.
“Alexander Milbourne, you are hereby under arrest for the murder of Erica Rice-Milbourne,” a voice thundered from one of the bodies on my back. I felt my arms unceremoniously forced into handcuffs, strong hands grasping my shoulders and hauling me to my feet. The rest of the burly police officer’s words fell on deaf ears. I simply smiled as they led me to their cars and stuffed me in the back of one of them.
There was no more evidence.
I had already thrown my wedding ring into the sea. |
Hey, Saint Razorblade, it's me Shadow, from TW. You probably don't know me, but oh well.  I thought it was quite good. Take heed to my critique. Overall, its good, keep it up. |
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kayles
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 12:23 am Post subject: |
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| This piece is a lot stronger for the revision, nice job! |
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Saint Razorblade
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 1:07 am Post subject: Re: A Red Sunrise (updated 21.8.07) |
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| Crucifix wrote: |
How can you have bold waves? You're explaining them as if they have charecteristics, but they don't. Maybe some of the stronger waves would be better?
The footsteps or the sadness?
Fools because they looked at him? Strange.
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One word: personification. 
Both. =)
Fools because they kept riding, rather than staying as witnesses the police could question.
Sorry, that was kind of bothering me.  |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007 2:01 am Post subject: |
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Excellent! I liked this one much more!
The only trouble I have is that the last sentence seems sort of... not cliche, but amateaur. "I had already thrown the wedding ring into the sea." Add some imagery to that--it's always good to end a good piece with an image in mind! Maybe, "My wedding ring was now sinking into the dark and bleak ocean, into the sands below, down down down." |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: |
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Wow---five months ago, was it, when I last read this story?
I love it. It's genius. I especially love the sense of, well, steps climbing up until the climax--the suspense building up--and I think you do this by adding less and less details as you go and more and more awareness of the police sirens.
Now for the nitpicks:
| Quote: |
| It was early dawn, the sun just breaking over the horizon, shining off the sea. A few of the bolder waves lapped against my bare toes. High tide was fading fast. The sea breeze clashed with the smoke from my cigarette like violent lovers as they met on the way to my lungs. The seabirds squawked away all around me, breaking open clams and enjoying their early breakfast. One dropped a soft black feather at my feet. I picked it up and stuck it in my back pocket. A souvenir. |
This is the only paragraph I absolutely detested. Every sentence is short and that makes for a dull read. Here is my revision; please take it into account.
| Quote: |
| It was early dawn, the sun just breaking over the horizon, shining off the sea. A few of the bolder waves lapped against my bare toes, high tide fading fast. The sea breeze clashed with my cigarette's smoke like violent lovers as they met on the way to my lungs. The seabirds squawked away all around me, breaking open clams and enjoying their early breakfast. One dropped a soft black feather at my feet, which I picked up and stuck in my back pocket--a souvenir. |
| Quote: |
| considerably smaller than my own, were eroded more and more with each passing wave. |
Eroded is a too-strong word, I think.
| Quote: |
| A crab scuttled by my foot, fighting the waves as it scuttled parallel to the sea, the seabirds in perfect predator form, patiently awaiting the arrival of this foolish prey |
The sentence is so close to being a run-on that it almost is. Divide it into two.
| Quote: |
| I had already thrown my wedding ring into the sea. |
I still think you should change this. Maybe, "Except the ring--oh, the ring, which now lays comofrtably at the bottom of the sea." or "I had already disposed of the ring, which was now probably spiraling down in the ocean's depths."
Hope I helped! |
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