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Reyu
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 Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 3:32 am Post subject: Loki |
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Last edited by Reyu on Tue Jul 08, 2008 3:21 pm; edited 9 times in total |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:38 am Post subject: |
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How interesting. I enjoyed your portrayal of Loki very much. It suited him well.
You info dumped pretty much the whole way through, a bit annoying. You need to drw out some parts and allow yourself to not rush your descriptions.
Loki is well defined as far as characterization. He is prominent and has an effect. Your shadow cahracter however is very underdone for the effect you are craving. Hopefully you can add more to it as you go.
The voice thing was a bit confusing. The constat movement of it from one description to another makes it hard to apply a voice to the character, also taking away from the shadow's characterization.
A nice start. Needs some refining but i think this will be a very interesting story. |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 5:33 am Post subject: |
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| Adam_Atlantian wrote: |
How interesting. I enjoyed your portrayal of Loki very much. It suited him well.
You info dumped pretty much the whole way through, a bit annoying. You need to drw out some parts and allow yourself to not rush your descriptions.
Loki is well defined as far as characterization. He is prominent and has an effect. Your shadow cahracter however is very underdone for the effect you are craving. Hopefully you can add more to it as you go.
The voice thing was a bit confusing. The constat movement of it from one description to another makes it hard to apply a voice to the character, also taking away from the shadow's characterization.
A nice start. Needs some refining but i think this will be a very interesting story. |
Agreed on all points. Revising is happening soon. The shadow has a name and I would hope whatever mystery I have weaved will entice you to read more  |
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Meep
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: Re: Loki |
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| Reyu wrote: |
| 8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and padlock. |
I like the way this starts, with quick, jumpy descriptions. Then suddenly you're slipping into using "to be," which slows the whole thing down. Try keeping with the style; it may not be "technically correct," but it's interesting, and I think that's what really matters.
| Reyu, with a few changes by Meep wrote: |
| 8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. Rusted double doors secured with a steel chain and heavy padlock. |
| Reyu wrote: |
| The warehouse was, spacious. At least 20,000 square foot. |
That comma shouldn't be there, and I wouldn't recommend using solid numbers like "20,000." I'd say you should at least write it out as "twenty thousand" or just leave it at "spacious" or another adjective. Does it echo when you walk in it, or is it so packed you can't see the far side and it's like a freaky, urban maze?
| Reyu wrote: |
| The shadow took the path, knowing that it was safe. The shadow could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet high. |
Don't repeat "The shadow," at the beginning of both sentences. I think you could combine them without too much hassle.
Now, why would there be a Yin-Yang symbol, which is a pretty traditional Asian symbol, if Loki is from Norse mythology? Why "hime chan"? I think that, if you're gonna call him Loki, you should stick to more European stuff; if you want to use the Japanese imagery and words, use Japanese gods.
(Sorry, I don't have the attention span to copy-edit the whole thing. I can if you want me to, though, just lemme know.) |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 6:23 pm Post subject: Re: Loki |
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| Meep wrote: |
| Reyu wrote: |
| 8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and padlock. |
I like the way this starts, with quick, jumpy descriptions. Then suddenly you're slipping into using "to be," which slows the whole thing down. Try keeping with the style; it may not be "technically correct," but it's interesting, and I think that's what really matters.
| Reyu, with a few changes by Meep wrote: |
| 8498 SW Fifth Street, Waterloo Warehouse. Six stairs, no railing. Rusted double doors secured with a steel chain and heavy padlock. |
| Reyu wrote: |
| The warehouse was, spacious. At least 20,000 square foot. |
That comma shouldn't be there, and I wouldn't recommend using solid numbers like "20,000." I'd say you should at least write it out as "twenty thousand" or just leave it at "spacious" or another adjective. Does it echo when you walk in it, or is it so packed you can't see the far side and it's like a freaky, urban maze?
| Reyu wrote: |
| The shadow took the path, knowing that it was safe. The shadow could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet high. |
Don't repeat "The shadow," at the beginning of both sentences. I think you could combine them without too much hassle.
Now, why would there be a Yin-Yang symbol, which is a pretty traditional Asian symbol, if Loki is from Norse mythology? Why "hime chan"? I think that, if you're gonna call him Loki, you should stick to more European stuff; if you want to use the Japanese imagery and words, use Japanese gods.
(Sorry, I don't have the attention span to copy-edit the whole thing. I can if you want me to, though, just lemme know.) |
Yes, Loki is indeed Norse mythology. I believe that a deity would be brilliant enough to speak more than it's original language. Why Japanese? I love that language and culture. Now don't you go thinking I am going to leave out the Japanese mythology! If the language bothers you that much, just look at is as foreshadowing >< Why no questions about the French? Heh :p
Hmm, the Yin and Yang. That is tricky to explain. One explanation is that Loki is a shape changer and once turned into a salmon to hide (which was what he was doing in the warehouse). Other than that, Yin and Yang symbols are cool ><
I never turn down a free editing. I hate to edit. Do what you want.
Edit - Fixed everything you pointed out btw. |
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Meep
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:08 am Post subject: |
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It's just a strange mix of cultures, is all. It's like ... fangirl Japanese. I'm an anime geek, myself, and a Japanophile, but I think that the anachronism here is really weird. It somehow just screams "the author of this story is an otaku!"
... no offense, though. I'm an otaku, too. It's not a bad thing, but it can be an issue when it shows through in your non-fanfic stories. Sometimes it works (eg: Corny reads shounen-ai manga in Tithe), and sometimes it really doesn't seem to fit. I really can't see it fitting with Norse gods. |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:27 am Post subject: |
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| Meep wrote: |
It's just a strange mix of cultures, is all. It's like ... fangirl Japanese. I'm an anime geek, myself, and a Japanophile, but I think that the anachronism here is really weird. It somehow just screams "the author of this story is an otaku!"
... no offense, though. I'm an otaku, too. It's not a bad thing, but it can be an issue when it shows through in your non-fanfic stories. Sometimes it works (eg: Corny reads shounen-ai manga in Tithe), and sometimes it really doesn't seem to fit. I really can't see it fitting with Norse gods. |
I am not an Otaku. I am very selective about the anime I watch and I don't read Manga at all. I can't really elaborate any further because it would ruin the plot.
I will admit that it is odd though >< |
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Meep
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:48 am Post subject: |
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Otaku is my general term for someone who enjoys anime (and/or manga). I'm also incredibly selective about what I read/watch/buy, but I'm still an otaku. Sometimes people use it for any anime fan (like in the US), or an extreme fan (as in the Japanese slang usage).
I'll be curious to see how the Japanese works into the plot. |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 2:56 am Post subject: |
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| Meep wrote: |
Otaku is my general term for someone who enjoys anime (and/or manga). I'm also incredibly selective about what I read/watch/buy, but I'm still an otaku. Sometimes people use it for any anime fan (like in the US), or an extreme fan (as in the Japanese slang usage).
I'll be curious to see how the Japanese works into the plot. |
I am use to slang >< I guess your right about me then 
I am posting another part of this tonight. Late, late. |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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Okay. Lets see what I can find.
There are a couple of things, but the others have already got most of them. This is what I found:
| Reyu wrote: |
| “Speak!” Demanded the shadow, it’s voice sounding like a million scarabs descending. |
Add the 'it's'
| Reyu wrote: |
| His head peered around the corner. Green eyes blinking in surprise. He disappeared again, for a moment, and then re-emerged, hands in his pockets with a small spring in his step. He stood there for some time, off to the side of the throne, staring at the shadow. Then he smiled and gave a little laugh. |
Add the hyphen.
| Reyu wrote: |
| “Alls fair in love and war hime chan. My life’s desire, you say? Fun, my life’s desire is fun. So simple that you probably don’t believe it, I am the trickster god after all. One question down, how many more to go?" The whole time he was talking he appeared to be in an elaborate sword fight, pausing only for dramatic effect and to slash the air with an invisible sword. |
Add the space.
These are all really minor details really.
Hope this helps.
~ Shadowsun |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 2:43 pm Post subject: |
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Everyone's pretty much got everything but I just wanted to say that I love how you're taking the approve of mythology and not skimping out on the facts of who he is. I can't help but love how you chose Loki ^.^ He's my very favorite as norse mythology goes.
Sorry...this wasn't really a crit, I just wanted to say that ^.^ |
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| Posted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| The double doors of the entrance were rusted; the glass on either half was shattered and secured by a steel chain and heavy padlock. |
you need to refrase this sentance because now you're making it sound as if the broken glass was padlick etc.
| Quote: |
| There were not even any door knobs. |
maybe you should try combininb that into the last sentance because it sounds odd there. And what would the stell chain be around if there are no handels for it to be hald on?
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| It melted away and the chain fell, lifeless. |
umm the chain and lock was already lifeless
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| The moon’s brightness was mystic, not even during winter solstice would it shine this magnificently |
that senrance does not fit there, it sort of just sticks out maybe you should try something like this ;
| Quote: |
| The moons brightness made of path beams that came into existence the minute you steped into the building. The path started at the shadows feet and lead to the light at the other end of the warehouse. |
or somethign like that
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| As it glided closer to the back it could clearly see a lone stone throne, back rest at least six feet high |
that doesnt make any sence no offence
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| The light came from a lamp hanging upside down from an extension cord that ran all the way up to the ceiling. At least fifty feet. |
you do not need that, you already said there was a light bulb at the end of the room. but question, why did all but this light go out?
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| The lamp had no shade but the soft forty watt bulb was luminescent enough. |
um here you're contradicting your self, a shade would make it dimmer, but you're trying to say how bright it is at the same time
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| The buckle on his belt shone like silver |
i REALLY like how you're using detale, but how can it shine like silver?
| Quote: |
| The man began to giggle. |
giggle?
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| Loki jumped at this and perched himself on the left arm rest. Balancing his weight on the toes of his feet. He was barefoot. |
it doesnt sound right, maybe you should try someting like this
| Quote: |
| Loki jumped at this and perched himself on the left arm rest. Balancing his weight on his bare toes. |
or somthign like that
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| A thousand, thousand scorpions all snapping at once. |
um why do you have two thousands? it doesnt make sence, and scorpions don't snap
| Quote: |
| “Alls fair in loveand war hime chan. |
you forgot the spacing
I REALLY LIKE THIS STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will keep looking, i love how you used so much description, and you mad Loki, absolutly lovable awsome job!!! |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Mon Aug 27, 2007 6:31 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Reyu! I love the story so far. You portrayed Loki really well and I like your descriptions and I must say, I love the use of the yin and yang symbol. Here's a few suggestions, mostly concerning those apostrophes I mentioned earlier -
The path started at the shadowcolor=red]'[/color]s feet and lead led to the light at the other end of the warehouse.
At the shadow's arrival the man's eyes opened, [Perhaps semi colon here?] an amazing green.
The shadow's hand twitched as if in anticipation of slapping him silly.
The shadow's voice still feminine but it meant business.
“All's fair in loveand [Missing a space.] war hime chan.
All that was left was the throne, the moon light [Moon and light should be one word.] and his echoing laughter.
The sound of death approaching was the shadow's scream of anger.
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Overall, a nice story Reyu and I shall certainly read more. |
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Reyu
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| Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Fixed everything. Thanks everyone!
Thousand, thousand works
Scorpions snap.
Loki kept that light on.
The shade is what is on a lamp to dim it. This lamp had none.
Silver has a shine and it does *look*.
Yes, giggle.
Soon... Very soon. |
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:01 am Post subject: Ch-ch-ch-choppy |
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I enjoyed it immensely; I have a soft spot for vague characterizations. Quite possibly my only problem with the entire piece was that you tended to make your sentences very choppy, to the the point where it became difficult to read. The choppiness of the first paragraph was extremely well done, but after a while that strength faded. Your characters truly shown; I had no trouble at all imagining their faces.
Good job! |
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