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To Swallow a Swallow
To Swallow a Swallow

by Suzanne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on August 18, 2007
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Lyla. Part 1
Lyla. Part 2.
Lyla. Part 3
Lyla. Part 4
Lyla part 5
Lyla. Part 6
Lyla. Part 7
Lyla. Part 8.
Lyla. Part 9.
Lyla. Part 11
Lyla. Part 12
Lyla. Part 13
Lyla. Part 14.
Lyla. Part 15
Lyla. Part 16.

Lyla. Part 10.

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:34 pm    Post subject: Lyla. Part 10. Reply with quote

Exclamation Swearing towards the end Exclamation

Please check out my section under the Writers Corner as I need some help!! And thank you as always for all the loyal crits!!

_____________________________________________

Tom’s mother looked…washed out. It seemed as though someone had come along with an artists set, erased her colour and added deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes. Her hair that was normally dead straight and sitting on her shoulders, shiny and smooth, was today pulled into a tight bun. It made her look old.

Before I could even close my mouth, which had opened instantly upon seeing her, she had stepped over the threshold. I remained holding the door open, my mind screaming at me to throw her out of it. But I was frozen still. The last time I had seen Tom’s mum was when my mum had dragged me round to her house to tell her that I was pregnant. That occurrence was over three months ago and I’d avoided her since.

“Mrs Pinnick,” I forced myself to say politely. “I think you should leave.”

Laura Pinnick acted as though I hadn’t even spoken. She glanced into the living room and seemed to be muttering to herself. Then she just called out, “Thomas! Tom!”

I heard the sound of a chair scraping back on wooden flooring and prayed that this situation would resolve itself.

“Tom,” Tom’s mother and I said in unison. Tom looked from his mother, to me, to the open door and back again.

“What-”

“Darling,” Laura’s voice sliced through the now icy air. She hurried over to Tom and draping her arms over her son she looked up to his face. “Are you ready to come home?”

“Laura.” None of us had heard my mum come down the stirs. She had changed out of her night dress and into jeans and a vest top. Her copper hair clashed with the bright green stitching on her jeans. Was she here to rescue me?

“Hello Miranda. Do you have any idea as to what is going on?” Laura’s voice was rigid with both dislike and intimidation. I couldn’t tell which one over powered the other.

“It seems that Tom would rather spend the night here than at home. Why don’t you come back tomorrow, when the both of you have had a little sleep and time to think?” Mum reasoned diplomatically, coming to stand by me.

Laura let go of her son and rounded on us. I backed towards the wall slightly, gearing up for a barrage of verbal abuse.

“I believe, Miranda, that it is not your place to tell me what I, or my son for that matter, should or should not do.” Her words were almost whispered, but to me her voice was ear-piercing.

“Just leave, Laura,” mum ordered forcibly.

“No!” Laura shouted. Her eyes bore into mine and I was suddenly very conscious of the fact that I was in my night clothes. “Your promiscuous daughter will not come between me and my son. Not again! Not ever!”

“Mum!” Tom cut across, his face flushed.

“Dragging my family down with you, Lyla,” she screamed at me, her body visibly shaking. “Corrupting my son and giving us a bad name! I wouldn’t be surprised if that thing isn’t even Tom’s.”

The words hit me physically. I could feel my body reacting to the blow; shutting down slowly. I felt sick.

“Get out of my house!” mum was screaming now.

I clutched onto the wall, exhaustion stopping me from joining in with the shouting. If I had not felt so fragile I may have reached out and slapped Tom’s mothers leering face.

Mum and Laura were only inches apart from each other, mum holding open the door and repeatedly screaming for Laura to leave. Tom had come to life and was pleading with his mother to go. But I doubt Laura even heard him; for her voice was the shrillest of all three.

“Look!” she hollered. And abruptly she snatched at my arm and dragged me closer to Tom.

Both mum and Tom silenced, terrified about what Laura was about to do.

“Look at her!” I stopped trying to struggle free and closed my eyes, willing myself not to vomit. “Filth! Filth and scum! Nothing more than a knocked up girl who wants to take my son down to the gutters with her!” And with that she shoved me forwards as though I had a horribly contagious disease that she was terrified of catching.

I could stand it no longer. I sunk down on the stairs, my head bent towards my knees, crying without embarrassment.

“I hate you,” Tom hissed, edging towards Laura’s red, contorted face. “Just piss off home.”

Laura went to argue, but something stopped her. With one last withering glare at us all she stormed out of the house, down the front steps and out of sight.

“Stupid bitch,” mum muttered as she slammed the door shut. I turned to see if Tom had heard my mum’s comment but he was staring fixedly at the door, his face no longer flushed but ashen, his expression murderous. He turned away.

Mum was watching him too, now fully recomposed. I slowed down my breathing, trying to stop the tears from flowing. I had to close my eyes again as a rush of light headedness came over me.

“Lyla, sweetheart, are you feeling alright?” Mum was leaning towards me, her hair brushing against my face.

“I’m fine,” I said, standing up a bit too quickly and having to clutch onto the banister for support. “Tom.”

Tom had his back to us and his head was turned downwards, making it impossible to read his face. He made no move at the sound of his name. I watched his back rise and fall as he breathed.

“Tom,” I repeated. “Please.”

But instead of turning around to face me, he walked out of the hallway and into the kitchen. The back door slammed.

I stared at the place where he had been standing and let images from the day flash by my eyes like a series of snapshots.

Entering the hospital, the cold jelly on my bump, lying on the grass, throwing myself onto my bed, watching TV, kissing Tom, answering the door… So much had happened in twenty-four hours.

I felt mum pull me into a hug and I only realised then that I had begun to cry again.

“I’m trapped,” I whimpered into her shoulder.

“No, honey, you’re not. You’re gonna be fine. Don’t upset yourself.”

I yanked myself away from my mother, wobbling slightly, smearing my tears across my face with the back of my hand.

“Upset myself? Didn’t you hear what she said? I’m nothing but filth! A simple whore in her eyes!”

“Lyla,” mum said sternly.

“Just leave it,” I wept. Then I stormed into the kitchen, intent on talking to Tom.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice installment! I really wish you'd make these longer, though. Very Happy

The thing with Laura could use some work. It's like BOOM, Laura comes in, yells a few cusswords about her son, and then leaves. Make it drawn out. Make it so that we tremble when Laura comes in. Make it so you can see Laura, smell her disgust.

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I agree with what previous critiquer said. It's a little sudden. Although the entire screaming part was very good, I must say, you should work into and out of it a little more.

One thing I noticed...Laura is so intent on NOT leaving, and no matter what anyone says, she won't. Then, suddenly, you have this sentence: "she looked like she was about to argue, but something stopped her and she left."

I think either you need to delve a little more deeply into what that 'something' was, or have her leave in a different manner. Maybe you have her say that she has renounced Tom as her son and leave, or something. But don't give us a weak explanation for her sudden departure: that 'something' made her do it.

Anyway, overall good, and I can't wait for more!

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 6:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Read it as i usually do. Very Happy

Alll good. but i agree about Laura coming in screaming a few words and then leaving.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2007 12:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree about the part where she leaves, I think there could have been a more understanding reason, or maybe you could have told us what that reason was for the reason of leaving? if that made any sense atall? Razz

Anyway, i enjoyed this again, hope it's not too long for the next part!

(sorry that was a short crit but I'm at work :S)

Meevs
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i read Lyla's story from part 1 to 10, and i loved it!
i think it was kind of realistic, and i liked your style of writing, but i hope you insert some more background imformation.
i didn't really spot any mistakes, so, great job! Very Happy
in this part, i thought you should describe more about Laura. why she left and all that.
keep up the great job! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Utterly fantastic!
Very dramatic indeed. I am really really looking forwar to the next installement.
I really have nothing to suggest, I see how Laura's abrupt exit could be interpreted as a bit too abrupt. Though I don't necessairily think that it has to be drawn out. The fact that it is so quick keeps it true to real life, when people explode they often realize their mistake in the middle of their rage. I don't know if that was what you were going for but that is the way I interpreted it.

"“I hate you,” Tom hissed, edging towards Laura’s red, contorted face. “Just piss off home.”

Laura went to argue, but something stopped her. With one last withering glare at us all she stormed out of the house, down the front steps and out of sight."

To me it seems as though by grabbing Lyla, Laura crossed one of those invisible boundaries. For Tom that was it, and his mother just removed herself from the situation, the smartest decision she had made the whole evening it seems.
Anyway, all that to say that if you feel that the scene needs to be extended then by all means do it. But if I was anywhere near accurate in my interpretation, then you do not have to Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally back, yes? Apparently, its impossible to keep away. I have already said that while critting the last piece I just had to take a sneak-peak at what happens in this part? Ah, we all have to survive somehow, don’t we, now.


Quote:
Her hair that was normally dead straight and sitting on her shoulders, shiny and smooth, was today pulled into a tight bun.
The first part, the one before the comma, sounds
a bit awkward. How about: “Her normally dead straight (…)’?

Quote:
That occurrence was over three months ago

Again, sounds a bit awkward.

Quote:
Hello Miranda.

Comma.

Quote:
If I had not felt so fragile I may have reached out and slapped Tom’s mothers leering face.

May ~ might


Okay, that’s it for now. I found Tom’s mother a very believable character, and the whole scene was very cool.

Ugh, sorry, mother needs the computer. Till next time!
Esme

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes! Excitment (no coment on the swearing).lol
Okay, you said:
“Darling,” Laura’s voice sliced through the now icy air. She hurried over to Tom and draping her arms over her son she looked up to his face. “Are you ready to come home?”
Two things I want to point out.

1. When you said "Laura said" I was at first kinda like Laura? Maybe some better indication of who Laura is. (I do know it is the mom. I am not stupid)

2. Don't worry nothing wrong. Except I really felt like going:
"Darling!?" I felt really mad at her coming and all.

I just love this. Brilliant. I felt like I was there and I was watching from close by.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It seemed as though someone had come along with an artists set, erased her colour and added deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes.

At first, this seemed awkward to me, but I couldn't figure out why. I re-read it a few times, and now I know. It was the "and added deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes." My brain automatically tried to erase parts of the sentence and it ended up making no sense at all. To fix it, I would suggest changing the sentence to someting like:
"It seemed as though someone had come along with an artists set, erased her color, added deep lines to her face, and dark shadows beneath her eyes."
Or-
"It seemed as though someone had come along with an artist set and dulled her colors, setting deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes."

Quote:
Her hair that was normally dead straight and sitting on her shoulders, shiny and smooth, was today pulled into a tight bun.

I think you spent too much time talking about how her hair used to be, and not enough about how it became. How about you just say that her normally shiny, dead straight hair was pulled tight into a bun...and elaborating on the bun. Are there random fly-away hairs, or is it pulling back the skin on her forehead, reavealing thin blue veins? What is the hair doing now, it doesn't matter how it used to be.

Quote:
Before I could even close my mouth, which had opened instantly upon seeing her, she had stepped over the threshold.

You use the word 'had' in this section twice. I would suggest taking the second one out, and the point of what you're saying will be clearer and less cluttered. =D

Quote:
But I was frozen still.

I'm normally all for starting sentences with But. Fight the man! But, in this case, I think it stunts your writing rather than enhances it.

Quote:
Mrs Pinnick

I'm not quite clear on english grammer, so forgive me. I'm pretty sure that is should be written Mrs. Pinninck. With a period.

Quote:
Then she just called out

The 'just' is unnecesarry in this case.

Quote:
Hello Miranda.

Comma after Hello.

Quote:
I couldn’t tell which one over powered the other.

over-powerd. Unless it's another one of those US VS. English things.

Quote:
But I doubt Laura even heard him; for her voice was the shrillest of all three.

Again, I think starting this sentence with but was unnecessary. It's fun and all to feel dangerous when writing, but only so long as it works as intended.

Quote:
smearing my tears across my face

Take out the first 'my', so it becomes:
...smearing tears across my face.
Most readers will assume that the tears are her own...hopefully. ;D
______________________________________________________________
Exclamation Plot:
I slightly remember reading this, but alas, my comment is nowhere to be found! From what I remember of Lyla, this is just after Tom comes back, and now his mothers there. I think you made the mother character really well, unfortunently, you fell into one of the most difficult things to write: an argument between more than two people.
There were moments when Tom seemed to dissapear, or Lyla's mom faded out. Remember, just because they aren't talking doesn't mean the characters dissapearing. In arguments, people rarely stand there like statues and wait for their turn to speak.
You are a wonderful writer, and like I said, it's a hard type of scene to write. With a few small here-and-there edits, this could make it look easy to us lesser mortals ;D


Razz Characters:

Lyla: I've always liked Lyla, otherwise, why would I be readng this? In this section, there were a lot of things that made her really good. For example, when she started to feel sick, I think you did that very well. Not overdramatic, or cliche, just good. =D No complaints on Lyla.

Tom: As I said before, Tom seemed to fade in and out in chapter. There was hardly any emotion from him, up until the end. Remember, Lyla doesn't have to be the only one stressed out. This is his Mom causing all the problems, to the girl he loves. How is he going to react? Is he just going to stand there and take it until she leaves? And if so, why? Flesh it out a bit.

Lyla's Mom: Generally, I like Lyla's mom. The only problem I had with her in this particular section was that she didn't stand up for her daughter more. Sure, she did a little bit, but I didn't feel her anger. She should have been pissed. I would have been.

Tom's Mom: I already said that I thought she was the most fleshed out and well taken care of character in this chapter. Now, just make all the other characters shine like her and you will blow us all to the wind and back. =D

Idea Overall Impressions:

I think this was really good for what it was. The mistakes weren't distracting or anything, and once again the only advice I can give is to flesh everything out a little bit. Short and sweet is good, but sometimes I'd rather eat steak than ribs.

Keep up the good work,
-JC

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tom’s mother looked…washed out. It seemed as though someone had come along with an artist's set, erased her colour and added deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes.

That occurrence was over three months ago and I’d avoided her since. [I think this sentence is redundant and would suggest deleting it.]

She hurried over to Tom and draping her arms over her son she looked up to his face. [This is a touch awkward. Maybe 'She hurried to Tom's side, draping her arms around him and looking up into her son's eyes.']

“Laura.” None of us had heard my mum come down the stairs.

If I had not felt so fragile I may have reached out and slapped Tom’s mothers Laura's leering face.

_____________________________

This is getting better with each chapter. I think you showed Lyla's emotions and disposition very well here and some of the dialogue was brilliant. I agree that Tom and Lyla's mother occasionally faded out of the conflict and appeared to be taking it in turns to fight and protect Lyla rather than both speaking and shouting at once as often happens in an arguement but this was good. I think Tom's mother is a superb character and her lines of speech were easily the best!

I agree that she leaves too abruptly though. I think she should have had the last word, got in one more sentence before turning. She seems the type to me who always wants the last word before they are satisfied. Also, maybe have one of them swoop forward to help Lyla or demand that Tom's mother release her. I mean she's pregnant for starters, they should be highly concerned for her health and very angry!

Also, I'm not sure about Tom storming away without even checking on Lyla. To me, that doesn't show love. He says he loves her, goes against his mother for her but when she's possibly hurt, certainly dreadfully upset, he marches out and leaves her? Again? Surely he's resolute on staying by her side now.

Can't wait to read the next part. The plot is developing really well and I love all these sources of conflict and all the building relationships. I think I'd like to see more of the previously established relationship between Laura and Amanda - did they used to sit side by side on the sofa, chatting and gossiping while the children played? Were they friends? Or did they always dislike one another?

Good work!

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 10:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The others have covered the reviewing so well there's very little for me to do anymore. This part was very good because of the drama, and I think you've built it well.

Quote:
The words hit me physically.


Words can't hit physically, so this is awkwardly said. I think you should change it to "The words hit me in the face" or something.


Quote:
Her eyes bore into mine and I was suddenly very conscious of the fact that I was in my night clothes.


This is good.


Quote:
mum holding open the door and repeatedly screaming for Laura to leave


You give the impression she is screaming "Leave! Leave! Leave!" which isn't, I think, what you exactly meant.


Quote:
I sunk down on the stairs, my head bent towards my knees, crying without embarrassment.


This is good; you show us that Lyla isn't any Supergirl that can stand everything.


You must watch out for this, so it won't get too repetitive. That's all I'm going to say for now. Good job!


Demeter xx

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's just too good to keep away from for more than two hours:

Quote:
deep lines to her face and dark shadows beneath her eyes.
There are a lot of adjectives here. This may be better as: "deep wrinkles to her face and shadows beneath her eyes."

Quote:
my mum come down the stirs.
'stairs'?

Quote:
Laura’s voice was rigid with both dislike and intimidation.
This word seems a little weak.

Quote:
over powered
One word.

Quote:
hollered. And
A comma would work better here.

Quote:
“Just leave it,” I wept. Then I stormed into the kitchen, intent on talking to Tom.


**

Lovely! Or at least, I enjoyed the new-found suspense and conflict. Without a doubt it had a great point behind it but you need to draw the action a little longer. Conflict isn't just screaming and not understanding what's going on--you seemed to understand that with what Laura said but we need it to drag on--perhaps Tom stands up and starts shouting, becomes protective of Lyla and Laura runs away, upset. I also agree with Kitty15 about Tom storming out. You can let anything happen as long as you let the emotions and thoughts come with it, here Lyla didn't even think twice about casually walking in and preparing to 'talk' to Tom, after Lyla is crying on the stairs. A great place to describe this would be at the end:

Quote:
“Just leave it,” I wept. I stormed into the kitchen, intent on talking to Tom.
That last bit would be better written as something dramatic yet unbelievable, so much so that we can just understand how Lyla feels but not her actions. For example: "ready to murder Tom." We know it won't happen, but we know how she feels.

Great chapter, looking forward to the next one!


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