Topic ID: 18916
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sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
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 Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 6:07 am Post subject: Mercenary Wings 16 |
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Last edited by sokool15 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:48 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Poltergiest
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hooray! Okay, I liked this one more mabye because there was less action and more planning... Hmm... Anyway, I'm not sure Brad would just agree to go off anf do the project without knowing what it is but mabye you could have him think, "I don't know what it is but I need to gian thier trust." or something like that...
I liked the flight with Kiera, LOVE CONNECTION DETECTION! He he... Uh, I think its kinda cool that Brad's claustraphobic, (IF thats even how you spell it.) But it shows that he has at least one major weakness that acually makes sense.
I like Raztik, he's cool. Uh, I didn't get the part about the wall but I think they were just sitting on it. You should do something cool, like, mention the awsome view of the sunlight forest before them, or somesuch. I also liked hwo Raztik was suspicious of those two and how Brad responded. It was really good! Post more!
~Pol~ |
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greenjay
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 1:50 am Post subject: |
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| Brad landed smoothly on the top of the steps, the tips of his wings brushing the walls on either side of the stairs as he braked and his feet touched down lightly on the stone. The guards at the gate sm held up their pikes, and Brad looked down, holding up his hands and folding his wings. |
Ahh, typo
That's all I found! Good job  ! I REALLY liked this one, keep it up!
-GJ |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2007 9:30 am Post subject: |
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You are getting negligent my friend but can I blame you? At 100 it must be very difficult to avoid typos and such. Here's what I found -
He stopped in front of the woman and bowed, looking her up and down. She was an older woman, her brown skin sagging at her cheeks, her figure plump and matronly, and tracings [Perhaps traces would sound more natural?] of wrinkles across her smiling face.
Brad nodded and sucked in some air into his lungs.
"Beautiful," she shouted back at me. [I think you mean Brad...]
Kiera was laughing with delight, but when Brad performed a flip in the air, she turned around and clutched at his shoulders protestingly. [Maybe 'in protest' would sound better?]
Brad and the king walked sedately down the stone steps, and when they got to the bottom, out of earshot of the guards, King Raztik lifted himself onto the wall and sat there, dangling his legs.
"Well, your majesty, I'm not exactly sure what it meant," said Brat [I was sure he was called Brad...] cautiously.
"Wait...you're willing to do the project, but you don't know what it is?" asked King Raztik amusedly. [In amusement or his voice thick with amusement might work better.]
And then of course there is the one that greenjay kindly pointed out.
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Lol. Sorry but I couldn't resist. As for general observations, I love your writing style and I'm growing more fond of the characters with every chapter. The relationships are growing well and I can't wait to see if there is some sort of love interest between Cat and Seden. A brilliant chapter as always,
Heather xx |
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