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Black Ghost
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 Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:04 am Post subject: A Winter Memory |
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I can't sleep now.
Snowflakes drifted down from the heavens. They spiraled and swirled in the winter air as if dancing to a symphony. The trees were wrapped in blankets of white, yet standing tall in the face of the biting winds. Even the layers of snow on the floor lay smooth and perfect.
Well, almost perfect.
There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around it seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.
This lump, though, was something more than a disturbance. It was a person. She lay there in the snow, a bundle of white and flesh. After a while she began to stir, the thin layer of frost falling off of her. Her black hair was in a tangle around her face, and as she stood up in the deep snow it seemed as if it was plastered to her skin.
Who am I?
She walked slowly at first; her feet kept sinking into the snow. The white, lacey dress that clung to her sides seemed to blend in with ground, making her look like she was growing out of it. Soon she lost her balance, and held on to one of the trees.
Where am I?
She sank to her knees, trying to breathe deep, even breaths. It wouldn't work. The anxiety kept dripping in her like water. She looked up at the surrounding landscape, taking it all in. The snow, the trees, the mountains. But why wasn't she cold?
Where...
Her eyes continued to glaze over the scenery. A boulder. Someone was sitting on it, with a heavy cloak draped over her. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she looked towards the ground, as if praying.
Crystal
For a moment all she could see was the name. Clear and bright, each letter detailed and perfect in her vision. Her name. Crystal was her name.
The cloaked figure cocked her head in Crystal's direction. Her lips formed into something like a smile. But as Crystal crawled towards her, she could not see her face. But those lips...
"I thought you would never get up."
Crystal felt dizzy. She had not expected the hooded person to speak. She had almost thought it was a statue, or some figment of her imagination. But she seemed real enough. At least, more real than the snow, or the forest, or the cold she could not feel...
Crystal reached out a hand and grasped the bottom of the cloak, just to prove to her that the person was indeed there.
"Please, get up," said the figure, and Crystal could feel the cloth being tugged out of her clutches. "You look like an animal."
Was she an animal? No, that couldn't be. She certainly didn't feel like an animal. But then again, what did being an animal feel like? Crystal didn't know. But she did know that animals could not speak.
"What happened?" she croaked. Painfully, Crystal got back to her feet. A little unsteady, she tried to focus on the pitch black hood before her, waiting for an answer.
"You mean you don't remember?" replied the hood. Crystal couldn't tell if the voice was sympathetic or sarcastic, but she did notice for the first time how beautifully clear and smooth her voice sounded. It was as if silk was gliding over her senses.
Crystal shook her head, and the world started to spin again. The hood's small smile faded, and she rose from the boulder.
"I don't think I believe you," she finally said, crossing her arms behind her back. "I think you know exactly what happened."
Crystal shook her head again.
"Don't lie," spat the hood. "I saw everything. The blood on your dress is proof."
For the first time Crystal became aware of what she was wearing. She glanced down, feeling the lacey dress with her fingers. And near the bottom there was indeed a small stain of crimson. She stared at it for a moment, squinting. It was in such deep contrast to the searing white around them that it almost frightened her.
"This isn't my dress," she said dumbly.
"Of course it's not," said the hood coolly. "And I'm sure you didn't drag her off, either."
"Drag her off?" repeated Crystal, taking a step closer towards the towering black figure. "Who?"
"Yes, Who," said the hood. "That's quite a good question, isn't it? Too bad you don't remember."
Crystal stood there as the hooded figure turned and left, slipping into the depths of the winter forest. As the last of her robe went out of sight, Crystal felt something sink inside her.
"Wait," she said feebly, stumbling a few steps forward. She fell against the boulder, and scraped the palm of her hand on a rough edge. She inhaled sharply, aware of the hair that stuck around her face, hot and sticky. Crystal tightened her grip on the side of the boulder. Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she feel cold?
"Wait," she whispered again, almost afraid to speak over the deafening silence of the forest.
A small red bird perched itself neatly on the tip of the boulder, as if on cue. Crystal lifted her head slightly. The bird cocked its head at her, and then fluttered out of sight in an instant. It zoomed off several yards way, finally settling on a broken old sign.
As she got up, Crystal kept her eyes focused on the bird. She walked towards it slowly, allowing herself to sink fully into the snow with each step. Like the bloodstain, the bird's red feathers were so sharp against the pale snow that it sent a shiver down her spine.
She stood only a few inches from the bird now, and she reached out her hand to scrape away the frost from the sign's surface. As the letters came into view, the bird sped off again, this time soaring high above the trees.
Ranger's Station
1/4 Mile |
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Last edited by Black Ghost on Thu Aug 30, 2007 2:27 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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Fan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:49 am Post subject: |
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Popping in to say something before this cursed library computer logs me off.
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| The snowflakes around her even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection |
It would add to the mistique if you continued to describe it as it for now as you tell us its a woman in the next paragraph.
I must say, I thought this was very good. Your wording phrased the confusion of Crystals mind very well. |
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Dream of the Fayth
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| Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 9:50 am Post subject: |
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Hi Magicman. I know you have a fancy for fantasy so I'm here to critque
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Snowflakes drifted down from the heavens. They spiraled and swirled in the winter air as if dancing to a symphony. The trees were wrapped in blankets of white, yet standing tall in the face of the biting winds. Even the layers of snow on the floor lay smooth and perfect.
Well, almost perfect.
There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around her even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection. |
I liked how you described the action of the snowflakes and relate it to a theme or an idea. Well done on that.
Well I can't really find anything wrong with this. This was technically and emotionally flawless! I love this! You relate the environment to the characters in a very compelling and unquie way that I felt a strong connection for Crystal. The way you described her actions were elegant and fitted the situation well.
The last line was very good. I have a feeling the Ranger's Station has some relevance to the plot. But what!? I need to find out.
I'm hooked man. Tell me more. |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 12:07 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments, guys. ^_^
Fantasyartist>> I totally agree about the "it" thing. I changed it right away, so thanks for catching that.
Squallz>> Your comments are so awesome, I'm glad you liked it.  And the Ranger's Station? I guess you'll have to wait for the next couple chapters. ^_~
Thanks again for any and all feedback.
MM |
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FlyingDream
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:50 am Post subject: |
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Hey,
I really liked how you described everything. It kept me reading. I don't have any complaints now, so keep writing! |
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sokool15
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 5:17 am Post subject: |
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Oooooh, interesting! I think I'll keep reading this. Intriguing, exciting, and well done on keeping and stirring the reader's interest. It started well, with beautiful descriptions, and then abruptly turned to intrique, hints of murder, and all that exciting stuff.
So great job on that count!
Your writing was overall very smooth and easy to read, and your dialogue was well done. A couple of very tiny nitpicks:
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There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around it even seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.
This lump, though, was something more than a disturbance. It was a person. She lay there in the snow, a bundle of white and flesh. After a while she even began to stir, the thin layer of frost falling off of her. Her black hair was in a tangle around her face, and as she stood up in the deep snow, it seemed as if her hair was stuck that way. |
The word 'even' is something we say when we speak, which is fine, but it should stay out of your writing. It just - don't ask me why - presents a hint of immaturity to your otherwise-mature writing. In both of these instances, nix the 'even' and the sentence would be a whole lot better, and make just as much sense.
One more thing...your description of the hair in a tangle around her face was good, but when you said: "it seemed as if her hair was stuck that way," there are multiple meanings the reader could get from it, hence making it confusing. Multiple meanings are great for poetry, not for fiction.
It seemed her hair was stuck to her face by something? Or it seemed as if her hair was stuck in a tangle around her head, frozen in it's position? Also, you repeated hair.
So clarify that.
Anyway, good job! I look forward to seeing where this leads in Chapter 2, right?
Okay, so cheerio! ~The Kool One  |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 5:48 am Post subject: |
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This is a really intriguing beginning, and the description is very vivid. I have no idea what's going on, but that's a good thing- it means I HAVE to read more. As long as you eventually explain everything, some confusion in the beginning is good, I think.
Yeah, so... everyone else caught the only flaws I could see...
Sooo this is not constructive. At all. Sorry.
But if you post more, hopefully I can give you a decent critique! ^_^ |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys!
sokool15>> I fixed the "even" thing, thanks for catching that...and I changed the hair description. More clear?
MM |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 3:19 am Post subject: |
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The quiet crunching of snow filled the night. Step by step, Crystal walked in heavy footfalls, seeming to sink deeper each time. Her eyes stayed ahead, with as much focus as one could gather under a painful headache. Even the crunching would dizzy her at times; it was just so loud.
The ranger's station was supposed to be only a quarter of a mile away, but Crystal felt as if she had walked that distance several times over already. Every snow laden tree and rock she passed looked the same, as if she was walking through a small patch of forest that somehow kept repeating itself.
But the thing Crystal couldn't stand was that she was so warm. She even tried to grab handfuls of snow and smear it on her face. It may as well have been crushed styrofoam. The cold air didn't caress her face; the icy chills didn't run up her spine. She felt as if trapped in a bubble, slowly suffocating inside it.
And the dress.
It seemed to cling to her body, and as she looked down, the bloodstain would continually flap in and out of her sight. She thought maybe it was the reason she couldn't feel any cold. But that was impossible, she told herself. Then again, so was her inability to feel even the slightest chill while almost knee-deep in snow.
Crystal yet again let another foot fall forward into the snow, but this time there was no crunch. Strangely enough, her second step had the same effect. It was if she was stepping into some kind of gel, with the snow sucking in her foot as it sank.
And then hardened.
Something sickening fell into the pits of Crystal's stomach. She tugged at her right leg, and then the left. They wouldn't budge. She twisted her body side to side, straining her legs as much as she could. The gel-like snow had hardened like cement. She was trapped.
The sky was beginning to grow pitch black and starless, while unnatural shadows seemed to engulf the trees. More of them came together into the open, swirling together into a vortex of darkness. It molded and settled into something tangible, taking the shape of a human.
And it walked.
Crystal screamed as the thing came closer, while clawing at her legs like a madwoman. With no face to speak of, it just hung its head and walked toward her, its blurred limbs seeming to move in slow motion. The world around her continued to grow darker; soon Crystal was incased in a dome of shadows.
"Get away!" she screeched. She yelled and yelled, screaming at it in the dead of night. The clumps of snow she threw never seemed to get far enough, falling just short of the faceless demon.
But still it came closer. Its shadowy residue began licking at Crystal's dress. She suddenly stopped screaming. As the blackness touched her, she began to feel something. Her body went limp. The dark monster was on her in an instant, holding her up. As its formless arms grasped her, Crystal gasped. The most beautiful sensation washed over her body and she felt cold. A rush of chill air filled her lungs, and a newfound life cascaded inside her.
The thing gripped her firmly, but Crystal could sense gentleness in its touch. She didn't fear any longer. She felt wonderful and alive.
Looking up into its empty face, Crystal saw the subtle outline of lips, and before she knew it the formless mouth was pressed against her own, and everything was hopelessly blurred.
#
Crystal sat in front of mirror, staring back at her blank expression. She also saw the white, lacey dress she had on. Except, there was something different about it. It was much longer, the tail piled on the floor in elegant ripples.
"Oh, you just look so beautiful," came a chocked voice from behind her. The woman came to her back, and a large, exquisite veil was draped over Crystal's face.
A wedding dress.
"But you must be so nervous," the woman continued, adjusting the veil. "I almost threw up when I got married." Then she laughed a little, and smoothed over the sides of Crystal's dress.
Crystal only stared back at her reflection, her face hidden by the veil. This was it. Her wedding day had finally come. She was getting married.
She was getting married?
She jerked to her feet, almost knocking down the woman in the process. Raising a hand, she felt the thin, pearly material covering her face. It was real. This was real.
"Crystal, what's wrong?" exclaimed the woman, a bit flustered. "And what are you doing with your veil?"
Crystal slowly turned on the spot, turning over the veil in her hands. She looked down towards the floor, shaking her head.
"I'm not supposed to be here."
She didn't understand what was happening inside her. Subtle warmth pulsed through her veins. This place felt so familiar, as well as the dark haired woman standing before her. But at the same time, she felt something was terribly wrong.
"What are you talking about?" said the woman, placing her hands on Crystal's cheeks. An unknown comfort settled inside her. "Look at me, Crystal. I'm your mother, and I know that this is going to be the happiest day of your life. Don't let yourself think otherwise."
Crystal hesitantly placed a hand over her mother's. The familiar touch triggered something within her. Unable to control it, tears streamed down her cheeks. Her mother's wrinkled old face blurred before her, and it was she could do to keep herself from collapsing.
Suddenly there were footsteps, and a tall woman stuck her head into the dressing room.
"Everything okay, Mom?" she called. "How's Crystal?"
"She - she's fine, Tracy," her mother yelled back cautiously. "She's almost ready." Some more footsteps and Tracy was gone again.
Crystal's mother looked into her eyes, with her brow furrowed and lips thin. She finally sighed and embraced her. The comforting warmth inside Crystal intensified, and she hugged back, heaving with her sobs. Soon they parted, and her mother grasped Crystal’s shoulders, her expression sharp. A sweet organ melody began playing in the main church hall.
"It's time to go."
"But I can't," gasped Crystal between sobs. "I can't do this, not now."
Her mother only stared more intensely. She reached down and squeezed Crystal's hand, then began leading her to the wide double doors of the church hall. Crystal reluctantly followed, still reeling from the surge of emotion that had come over her.
Soon Crystal was standing only inches away from the long, elegant handles of the door, with gold vines snaking their way up to the ceiling.
"Go," she heard whispered in her ear.
The doors just seemed to fly open by themselves, and a wave of light splashed out into the church lobby. Dozens of anxious faces turned in unison to face her, while a lone tuxedoed man only stood with hands folded at the alter, smiling at her.
Crystal's heart not only fluttered, but soared. Like in a dream she glided down the aisle. She passed several glittering mirrors, but as she turned to them she saw her face veiled and glowing and perfect despite the tears that had been flowing only moments ago. Everything was perfect. The rows of seats were covered in the same gold vines, with violet flowers blooming everywhere. Dazzling sheets of silk hung from above in arcs, showering the place in a myriad of breathtaking colors.
It was all she could do to keep her vision focused ahead; with every step she took towards her husband-to-be, a sense of bliss fell over her. All she could perceive was his clean-shaven face, hair combed back in a neat yet wild manner. This vision grew larger and larger until she was almost nose to nose, staring deep into his green flecked brown eyes.
An "I do" seamlessly left her lips, and before long the veil was lifted, and he kissed her. Crystal kissed him back with such force and passion that she witnessed magnificent explosions of color under closed eyes.
She never wanted to let go.
#
The hot stickiness came back to her as Crystal lay stirring in the snow, and for a moment she wondered whether she had ever been awake, half expecting to see the cloaked figure sitting before her again.
But that couldn't be so, for a low growling now echoed from all around her. Crystal shifted her head, feeling the hairs on her back standing on end. The moon was glowing again upon her frail body, and all the shadows had disappeared.
But as the growling grew louder, Crystal's sight instinctively turned to the last shadow among the trees, where she locked with a pair of shining eyes. |
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Dream of the Fayth
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 4:13 am Post subject: |
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| The quiet crunching of snow filled the night. Step by step, Crystal walked in heavy footfalls, seeming to sink deeper each time. |
Excellent! Sets the mood of the story straight away.
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| It may as well have been crushed styrofoam. |
Styrofoam used in this context spoils the fantasy feeling generated by this piece. Comany names and scientific based words shouldn't really be used in this innocent piece.
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| The cold air didn't caress her face; the icy chills didn't run up her spine. |
I don't like "didn't" used twice like that. It disrupts the flow.
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| The sky was beginning to grow pitch black and starless, while unnatural shadows seemed to engulf the trees. More of them came together into the open, swirling together into a vortex of darkness. It molded and settled into something tangible, taking the shape of a human. |
Nice and scary.
Review:
One word: Amazing!!!! This was genius! It kept my attention the whole way through. The pacing in this story is quite good. It flows along very well and doesn't bore the reader with pointless details. That's a good thing Magicman.
I like Crystal very much. She seems so elegant and smooth. I like how you relate this to her environment. I believe that she has some sort of a symbolic relationship with the snow. Maybe my assumption will be revealed soon.
I love the horror scene. You built up to that scene very well with the descriptions and movement. The flashback gives the impression that the mysterious shadow is more than meets the eye. You left it at a cliffhanger, just when I was about to find out about this shadow. Grr!
Overall, amazing! |
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Adam_Atlantian
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:50 am Post subject: Re: A Winter Memory |
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Hello there, Magicman. I will be your CCF Critique this evening. Please place your tray in the upright position and....*attention span depleted*
| magicman wrote: |
I can't sleep now.
Snowflakes drifted down from the heavens. They spiraled and swirled in the winter air as if dancing to a symphony. The trees were wrapped in blankets of white, yet standing tall in the face of the biting winds. Even the layers of snow on the floor lay smooth and perfect.
Well, almost perfect. Well placed. Most of the time sentence length paragraphs are far to weak to stand on thir own but you did a superb job of placing one that is quite strong.
There was a lump in the mix, interrupting the quiet beauty of the forest. It was white as well, but still distinctly out of place. The snowflakes around it seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection.
This lump, though, was something more than a disturbance., Iit was a person. She lay there in the snow, a bundle of white and flesh. After a while she began to stir, the thin layer of frost falling off of her. Her black hair was in a tangle around her face, and as she stood up in the deep snow it seemed as if it was plastered to her skin.
Who am I?
She walked slowly at first; her feet kept sinking into the snow. The white, lacey dress that clung to her sides seemed to blend in with ground, making her look like she was growing out of it. Soon she lost her balance, and held on to one of the trees.
Where am I?
She sank to her knees, trying to breathe deep, even breaths. It wouldn't work. The anxiety kept dripping in her like water. She looked up at the surrounding landscape, taking it all in. The snow, the trees, the mountains. But why wasn't she cold?
Where...
Her eyes continued to glaze over the scenery. A boulder. Someone was sitting on it, with a heavy cloak draped over her. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she looked towards the ground, as if praying.
This was a bit confusing. The transition from the white dressed girl and the person on the boulder is not clear enough.
Crystal
For a moment all she could see was the name. Clear and bright, each letter detailed and perfect in her vision. Her name. Crystal was her name.
The cloaked figure cocked her head in Crystal's direction. Her lips formed into something like a smile. But as Crystal crawled towards her, she could not see her face. But those lips...
"I thought you would never get up."
Crystal felt dizzy. She had not expected the hooded person to speak. She had almost thought it was a statue, or some figment of her imagination., Bbut she seemed real enough. At least, more real than the snow, or the forest, or the cold she could not feel...
Crystal reached out a hand and grasped the bottom of the cloak, just to prove to herself that the person was indeed there.
"Please, get up," said the figure, and Crystal could feel the cloth being tugged out of her clutches. "You look like an animal."
Was she an animal? No, that couldn't be. She certainly didn't feel like an animal. But then again, what did being an animal feel like? Crystal didn't know., Bbut she did know that animals could not speak.
"What happened?" she croaked. Painfully, Crystal got back to her feet. A little unsteady, she tried to focus on the pitch black hood before her, waiting for an answer.
"You mean you don't remember?" replied the hood. Crystal couldn't tell if the voice was sympathetic or sarcastic, but she did notice for the first time how beautifully clear and smooth her voice sounded. It was as if silk was gliding over her senses.
Crystal shook her head, and the world started to spin again. The hood's small smile faded, and she rose from the boulder.
"I don't think I believe you," she finally<(Wordswap)> said, crossing her arms behind her back. "I think you know exactly what happened."
Crystal shook her head again.
"Don't lie," spat the hood. "I saw everything. The blood on your dress is proof."
For the first time Crystal became aware of what she was wearing. She glanced down, feeling the lacey dress with her fingers. And near the bottom there was indeed a small stain of crimson. She stared at it for a moment, squinting. It was in such deep contrast to the searing white around them that it almost frightened her.
"This isn't my dress," she said dumbly.
"Of course it's not," said the hood coolly. "And I'm sure you didn't drag her off, either."
"Drag her off?" repeated Crystal, taking a step closer towards the towering black figure. "Who?"
"Yes, Who," said the hood. "That's quite a good question, isn't it? Too bad you don't remember."
Crystal stood there as the hooded figure turned and left, slipping into the depths of the winter forest. As the last of her robe went out of sight, Crystal felt something sink inside her.
"Wait," she said feebly, stumbling a few steps forward. She fell against the boulder, and scraped the palm of her hand on a rough edge. She inhaled sharply, aware of the hair that stuck around her face, hot and sticky. Crystal tightened her grip on the side of the boulder. Why didn't she feel it? Why didn't she feel cold?
"Wait," she whispered again, almost afraid to speak over the deafening silence of the forest.
A small red bird perched itself neatly on the tip of the boulder, as if on cue. Crystal lifted her head slightly. The bird cocked its head at her, and then fluttered out of sight in an instant. It zoomed off several yards way, finally settling on a broken old sign.
As she got up, Crystal kept her eyes focused on the bird. She walked towards it slowly, allowing herself to sink fully into the snow with each step. Like the bloodstain, the bird's red feathers were so sharp against the pale snow that it sent a shiver down her spine.
She stood only a few inches from the bird now, and she reached out her hand to scrape away the frost from the sign's surface. As the letters came into view, the bird sped off again, this time soaring high above the trees.
Ranger's Station
1/4 Mile |
Well done. You have provided a good amount of mystery while keeping the reader entranced to continue reading.
Characters are solid so far. You kept them consistent and strong. Crystal and the hooded figure were easy to tell apart as far as speech and mannerisms. You did need more clarification in the area I marked.
The plot is still unrevealed at this point. We know there has been a murder, at least we are led to believe as much but what is actually going on is still shrouded in shadows. Nicely I might add.
Nicely done so far and I see you have already posted more. |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Sun Aug 19, 2007 2:50 am Post subject: Re: A Winter Memory |
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Wooooow. I love love love. I can't wait to see this make it to full fruition so we can read the whole story.
In the first chapter:
| magicman wrote: |
She sank to her knees, trying to breathe deep, even breaths. It wouldn't work.
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I know that "breathe" and "breaths" are different words, but for some reason, someone trying to "breathe breaths" sounds a little sing-songy to me.
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Her eyes continued to glaze over the scenery. A boulder. Someone was sitting on it, with a heavy cloak draped over her. Her hands were folded in her lap, and she looked towards the ground, as if praying.
Crystal
For a moment all she could see was the name. Clear and bright, each letter detailed and perfect in her vision. Her name. Crystal was her name.
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At this part, I thought that she was remembering that the cloaked figure's name was Crystal, so I was a little confused. It seemed like seeing the person sitting there was what sparked the remembrance, so I just assumed that that was the woman's name: Crystal. I figured it out eventually, though. Also, no period after Crystal - any reason why?
As far as the second chapter goes: after the "dream sequence," the not-feeling-cold comes back, right? I guess that's what the "hot stickiness" is. Okay, I get it.
The only thing I wasn't really keen on was the "clawing like a madwoman," I think the "like a madman/woman" description is kind of overused and I would like to see you be a little more creative there.
Over all this is a fantastic piece. Your use of color and light here is amazing, you've got some funky chiaroscuro stuff going already. The contrast of the blood red/pure white... yeah, pretty awesome. Stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed.
I'm really intrigued by this as a whole... the suspense is too much. |
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Black Ghost
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| Posted: Sun Aug 26, 2007 5:41 am Post subject: |
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It was now snowing softly, whereas before it had been almost deathly quiet. The wind made a soft whistling that weaved between the tree branches, as if some voice was calling out beyond the horizon.
But Crystal noticed none of this. What she did notice was the angry wolf that crouched low before her, its teeth protruding viciously from the sides of its mouth. The grayish fur made it seem like a small smudge on the forest floor. A very terrifying smudge.
Crystal stood almost completely still, her breathing as shallow as she could possibly make it. Something inside her didn't seem to be working. She saw the wolf, but the same time it felt as if she wasn't there. It was almost like the wolf was a dream. They both seemed to be in suspended animation, the soft whistling wind blowing through their ears.
The low growling sent an unsettling shiver through Crystal's body. It was ripping her apart. The waves of sound went slowly through her, dismantling her insides. The heat also dulled her senses; she felt smothered by it.
And then a chirping sound drove its way through the hostile barrier. A little red bird flew over Crystal's head, landing on a branch hanging just above the wolf. Crystal flicked her eyes up a fraction of an inch and saw the bird cock its head out of the corner of her eye. It began to flap its wings violently, and kept making a high pitched chirp. Crystal could feel the frame of tension cracking, and the wolf even moved its head an inch lower.
Her breathing quickened, but it wasn't out of fear. The surge of adrenaline was finally catching up with her, and her vision came into sharp focus. The long, pointed fangs of the wolf finally seemed to register with her as the whole world became crisp and clear.
The bird was still making a commotion, flapping and chirping in a mad frenzy. It was calling to her, urging her. Crystal could almost hear it screaming. And like everything else that became clear, she finally heard what it was telling her.
Run
Crystal turned on the spot and started pumping her legs forward as fast as she could. The wolf snarled viciously behind her, and she knew instantly that the chase was on. The snow was thinner here, so she didn't sink every time she took a step. Everything was a blur around her until a large, boxy structure suddenly came into view. The ranger's station. Somehow Crystal had come within several yards of it while she was unconscious. How that happened, she dared not think about at the moment.
Crystal was now running uphill, with the ranger's station perched atop the hill. She could feel her legs growing white hot and large knots being pulled tight in her sides. She sensed the wolf at her tail, and she was sure that within seconds it would all be over.
But the station was so close. Everything whizzed by as the large, wooden door fell into her sights. If only it was open, she could run in. But the windows were dark and frosty; no one seemed to be in there. Yet she ran. There was no other choice.
A ferocious growl exploded in Crystal's ears. And then she felt it. Something penetrated deep into her skin, and an icy jolt struck her like lightning. But she didn't stumble or fall forward. Somehow she kept going forward until her hand clutched the small iron knob, and she fell against the door like a dead weight.
And it swung open.
Crystal collapsed inside, her shoulder coming down painfully against the floor. Without thinking she kicked the door back out, and it slammed shut with such force that the sound almost shattered her senses.
The pounding in her head blocked everything out, and for a while she just lay there, desperately trying to force oxygen back into her system. Everything became silent, and Crystal could hear a faint dripping sound. She felt around the floor until her fingers dipped into something wet. Bringing her hand above her face, she was met with a palm full of shining blood.
"It's after hours," came a voice as heavy and smooth as the night.
Crystal moved her head around so she was looking upside down, and she could barely make out the outline of a pair of rough boots.
"And I don't open for no red riding hoods." |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Ahh! There's still so much that we don't know. The suspense is driving me insane. Insaaaane, I tell you.
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| Something inside her didn't seem to be working. She saw the wolf, but the same time it felt as if she wasn't there. It was almost like the wolf was a dream. |
I think I sort of know what you were trying to convey here - that state of half-asleep-ness where you're sort of conscious, but not really awake, so you can't move? That's what I got out of it. But the second "she" - what does that refer to? And how was the wolf dream-like? Was it translucent? Was it the way it moved - or didn't move - that made it "like a dream"? As it stands, that sentence doesn't really mean anything to me.
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The low growling sent an unsettling shiver through Crystal's body. It was ripping her apart. The waves of sound went slowly through her, dismantling her insides. The heat also dulled her senses; she felt smothered by it. |
First the low growing makes her shiver, then the heat dulls her senses...? I don't know, it just seems a little contradictory.
This was a very very short section, but I liked it, especially the "little red riding hood" reference at the end. And whose blood was it? Her own? Too much suspense for little Lyndsey. I'm going to have to kick you in the shins if you keep doing that. Can't wait to see what's next! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry this took so long...
I tend to start with general comments but this piece is in parts so I think I shall get the specific suggestions out of the way first...
Part one -
The snowflakes around it seemed to swirl in an especially violent way, angry that something had ruined their subtle perfection. [You use too many words here. Words are great in descriptive, opening scenes but this story is full of action and you want to create a dramatic effect. Perhaps something like 'In this area, the snowflakes swirled violently, angry that their subtle perfection had been flawed.']
It zoomed [This isn't a great way to describe the movement of a bird. Maybe 'It launched into the air, navigating through the vortex of snowflakes until it alighted upon an old, broken sign.'] off several yards way, finally settling on a broken old sign.
Part two -
It was as if she was stepping into some kind of gel, with the snow sucking in her foot as it sank.
And then it hardened.
Something sickening fell into the pits of Crystal's stomach.
The gel-like snow had hardened like to cement.
Crystal sat in front of a mirror, staring back at her blank expression. She also saw the white, lacey dress she had on.
"Oh, you just look so beautiful," came a chocked choked voice from behind her.
Dozens of anxious faces turned in unison to face her, while a lone tuxedoed man only stood with hands folded at the alter, smiling at her.
Part three -
She saw the wolf, but at the same time it felt as if she wasn't there.
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In general, you have a good story here with an intriguing plot. The mystery aspect of this is well written and I love the hints of murder and treachery but your characterization isn't perfect. Crystal is well defined with just enough information to interest the reader but the woman she meets needs more work. I think you should describe her tone of voice more and does she evoke no feeling within Crystal? If so, you should at least mention this and then build on that. What is Crystal's first impression of the woman. Is she to be trusted? Does Crystal believe her?
I don't think there's much more advice I can give you but keep writing, I'd love to find out more about Crystal's past. |
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Love is but a lie to tame the heart,
To trap and chain; ensnare the soul.
Love is just the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role. |
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