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greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
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 Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:48 am Post subject: |
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Sweet! I finally found it  . Here I go.
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Crystal was now running uphill, with the ranger's station perched on top atop the hill. She could feel her legs growing white hot and large knots being pulled tight in her sides. She sensed the wolf at her tail, and she was sure that within seconds it would all be over. |
The crossout means to cut and the bold to add. Obviously you don't have to do it if you don't want, but that's my suggestions.
Ah, that's all I found, which is surprisingly little for so much writing. Good job!
I really liked it, and it kept me mystified and full of suspense without losing me (although I'm plenty confused  ). I'm looking forward to the rest! Hope I can help out some with my comments.
-Greenie |
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“...there are many unpleasant things in this world that have lain covered for far too many years, and there are too many such questions as yours left unasked.” ~Alithel |
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Black Ghost
Life Is Sexually Transmitted
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 3:27 am Post subject: |
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Dark, damp, and cold.
"So what are you doing here all alone in the forest, little lady?"
Crystal looked down at her hands. She wasn't young. She knew she was old enough to know where she was and why she was there. But that didn't seem to be the case. If only she really were young, then it wouldn't seem so bad. Just being an innocent child wandering out in the forest, so naive and uncaring.
"I don't know," she admitted. The ranger seemed to fondle his finely polished rifle for a moment, almost as if he hadn't heard her. He snorted.
"Now don't go lying to me," he said with a small smirk. "You've got to know where you are. Just look at you, all dressed up in a pretty white gown. Off to some dance, are you?"
Crystal shook her head. "I said I don't know."
A small clock in the corner of the room ticked away, and the Ranger allowed its monotone sound to fill the room before speaking. He looked down.
"It looks you've made a bit of a mess in my cabin," he said, resting the rifle across one shoulder.
Crystal glanced at the trail of her own blood that led from the door to the small box where she was now seated. Blood still continued to flow from the gash on the back of her leg, forming a small puddle at her feet.
"You should at least clean it up for me. That's a proper thing for a young lady to do. You see, I'm a busy man and all, and I don't have time to clean up little messes."
The Ranger walked back into his small office at the end of the cabin, and returned with a white towel. He threw at Crystal, who allowed it just to fall in her lap. She stared down at it, her face almost expressionless.
White, perfect, and clean.
"Well don't be afraid to pick it up," snapped the Ranger. "Now get to work."
As if on auto-pilot, Crystal grabbed the towel and sank to her knees. In smooth, rhythmic motions she began to wipe away the blood. Stain after stain littered the white little thing, until it was nothing but a mass of dark crimson. Crystal almost reached the door when the Ranger snorted again.
"You missed a spot."
Grasping the blood-soaked towel tightly, Crystal turned around. As she was cleaning the trail, drips from her wound had made a fresh one. She numbly wiped up the new puddles, until she realized that she was merely moving the blood side to side; the towel couldn't hold anymore.
"I can't clean it," she breathed. "The blood won't stop coming."
The Ranger walked over to her, his big, leather boots making thud after thud on the hard wood floor. He swung the nose of his rifle down near her hands, and then held it like a fancy cane.
"Then you best keep cleaning till your good and shriveled," he said. "Because I can't have no dirty floor."
Crystal wasn't listening anymore. Her breathing had become labored, and she simply stared down at her shaking, blood-stained hands. Why couldn't she think straight anymore? Just clean the blood. The man with the big gun wants it clean. Just move an arm and wipe it. Just wipe it.
"Is your head on straight?" demanded the Ranger. "I said keep cleaning."
Crystal could only hear her own deep, spontaneous breaths. Nothing else mattered. She just needed to breathe. In and out, in and out. Everything had a rhythm. All she needed to do was follow that rhythm.
Something cold and hard brushed against her cheek. The Ranger was probing her face with his rifle. The long metal barrel under her chin forced her to look up at him, and she saw something in his eyes that she didn't notice before. It was strangely familiar. That subtle battle of anger and willpower. The ugliness.
"It seems to me you're not too keen on working. That needs punishment. Now I ain't your daddy, so a spanking is out of the question. But a little time alone should straighten you out, little lady."
The Ranger reached down like lightning and pulled Crystal to her feet by the back of her dress. Her world instantly began spinning, and she couldn't tell which way her legs were being made to walk. The Ranger kept talking while he dragged her, but everything came out in a jumble of sounds. Crystal did make out the words "little lady" now and again, but that was all.
The corridor stretched out forever as she was repeatedly yanked by the back of her dress. Aches began to pierce her upper body. She tripped once, but the Ranger's grip was tight, and he held her even as she dangled stupidly in the air. She couldn't even focus on her breathing now. Out of rhythm, out of step.
And then it all stopped. Crystal was standing upright, and the world only shook back and forth now, slowly settling back into focus. A small door swung in before her, and all the light seemed to get sucked out of the corridor.
"You'll enjoy it here, little lady."
The pair of rough hands grasped her shoulders, and she was made to walk forward again. The closer she came the more the room began to fill her whole world. Everything else was being pushed aside, erased from the picture.
And then he pushed her, and darkness met darkness as Crystal fell headfirst into her new world.
Dark, damp, and cold. |
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greenjay
the bane of the blue jay
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| Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2007 9:41 pm Post subject: |
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Cool. I didn't find anything to correct...so this is a pointless post . I was a little confused  , but I'm not really supposed to know what's going on so it is fine. Good job.
-the green one |
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Kylan
how superior.
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 8:50 pm Post subject: - |
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Alright, Sir MM. Here's your critique:
Overall Impressions:
Your writing style is absolutely delicious. You manage to keep your reader reading and entertained. The sentence structure varies nicely and you always, always kept me guessing. Description is obviously your forte. I can see everything. I can see the snow. I can see the bird, the wolf, crystal, the wet and bloody dress. You paint a very vivid picture, without overwhelming. Kudos.
Characters:
Crystal is a mystery. But that doesn't mean she is without personality. She is both interesting and real. No Mary-Sueness here that I can see. We also have Crystal's mother, who is less unique. The mom is actually pretty stereotypical so far. Kind, warm, sweet. In a word, predictable. If ever she shows up in your story again, shake her up. Add persnality flaws or secrets. And we have the ranger. His character is fake. He isn't real to me. I can't picture him, he speaks unnaturally, and he doesn't act like someone hired out by the government. Any person would care a little bit more about some girl lost and injured in the middle of nowhere. He/she would clean the girl up, give her a bed, talk to her. But no, not this guy. He just stands there. He probably psycho, but he's still not real. The main reason, however, I don't think the ranger is well done, is that you haven't described him much. You describe everything but the ranger wonderfully. Work on giving him an image. Describe the station too. It'll help contrast and add depth to the ranger.
Dialogue:
Your dialogue is good. Especially the interchange between the hooded character and Crystal at the beginning. Very well done.
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| "Look at me, Crystal. I'm your mother, and I know that this is going to be the happiest day of your life. |
This passage is transparent. It's obviously meant to establish that the woman is Crystal's mother. Just because she's her mother, doesn't mean she knows that it will be the happiest day of her life. Kinda lame. Have the mother say soemthing besides this. Something less obvious and nonsensical.
In the ranger station scene, you use the word 'little' ad nauseum. The ranger is saying it all the time. Find a different word or don't use it at all.
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| "It seems to me you're not too keen on working. That needs punishment. Now I ain't your daddy, so a spanking is out of the question. But a little time alone should straighten you out, little lady." |
Weird. Really, weird. But in a good way. 
Pacing:
Actually, when you read whta's been posted so far all at once, the story clips along at a pretty brisk pace. Kinda too quick. I think the placement of the flashback is a little hasty. You should place it further along in the story, when we know a little more about Crystal. It just seems out of place.
So, yeah. The story may be moving along at too brisk a pace for a novel. Just a warning.
Inconsistencies:
Okay, you never explained how Crystal got herself out of the 'gel-like' snow. Did the 'monster' help her? One minute she's trapped and the next, she's running from a wolf.
Speaking of the wolf, there is no way she would have been able to outrun the wolf. He would have overtaken her within a minute of her running. Just a little reality check.
Misc.:
Get into Crystal's mind a little bit more and flesh out her personality. Like what were her thoughts after she was kissed by the monster. What are her thoughts about the hooded figure. I want to know more about her. Take some time to explain her thoughts and feelings. What about the red bird. Does she think about it's strange behavior? By explaining in your story her thoughts, you'll also have better pacing.
Add some more flashbacks, too. I want to know more about her past life. At some point in your story you'll have to explain what happened to her anyway. It would be better to feed it to the reader in small chunks, rather than one large dumps. Just a little foresight caution.
__________
Anyway, keep up the good work! You always leave the reader intrigued. I truly want to know more about her predicament. You are an extremely skilled writer.
Let me know when the rest comes out!
-Kylan |
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